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Pajiba Love 11/18/09 | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | November 18, 2009 | Comments (39)


Happy Second Annual Paheeba Day everyone! Since Pajiba Love is one of the precious few columns on this site written by someone with a healthy, functioning vagina, the show will go on as scheduled.

And this being Paheeba Day, I have to start off with a little something for the ladies: People’s Sexiest Man Alive, Mr. Johnny Depp. But in all seriousness, I know most of you ladies love yourselves some Depp but I am not feeling it. Dude used to be a piece but these days he just looks like a greasy gargoyle. (Litelysalted)

OH. MY. GOD. Here is an actual cross-section of Twilight fans who showed up at the New Moon premiere. My favorite is sunglasses-mustache old dude who is proudly holding up the “Team Jacob” sign. (Film Drunk)

And with that, here are six of the emo’est vampires who ever emo’ed. (PW)

Finally, with all this goddamn New Moon frenzy reaching a sparkly pitch, here’s a reminder as to why we still hate Twilight. (A Whole Lot of Nothing)

The A.V. Club put together this fantastic piece on the thirty best television series of the aughts, which has similarities to our own twenty best seasons of the past twenty years — although this one actually includes The Sopranos since we’re still not tired of not hearing the end of that. Thanks to Kballs for the heads up! (AV Club)

Oh, yiiiiikes. This could be awkward. Apparently Disney-Pixar’s Up shares its name and uh, certain similarities with with a 1976 Russ Meyer sexpolitation flick. Images NSFW! (FourFour)

“Dancing with the Stars” is finally nearing the light at the end of the tunnel or the monster at the end of this book or what have you. (Hairballs)

Zac Efron’s attempt at a legitimate and less ridiculous film career has been thwarted by an overzealous movie poster designer. (Agent Bedhead)

I guess at least the guy is fairing better than his High School Musical co-star, Ashley Something-Or-Other, whose biggest post-HSM accomplishment to date is wearing a bikini. (Superior Gossip)

Bob Saget is going to host a new A&E reality series called “Strange Days” which will explore weird American sub-cultures. it actually sounds pretty tits other than the part where Bob Saget is the host of it. (Screen Junkies)

Speaking of unfunny, hack comedians, Rob Schneider made a HUGE ASS of himself on a Palm Beach morning radio show. No, you know what — Rob Schneider is no Saget. Saget has much more class than this. (Warming Glow)

If you’re a horror movie villain in the deep South, chances are you’re getting a little mother-sister-father-brother-cousin-lovin’ action, so here are the most inbred movies of all time. (Bloody Disgusting)

True story: Sarah Palin’s memoir had been described as the “greatest literary achievement by a political figure in [a] lifetime.” (Deus Ex Malcontent)

I actually posted this video once before a long time ago, but just happened upon it again today and honestly, I can’t think of a better way to cap off my Paheeba Day Pajiba Love. Whether you’re digging it again or just seeing it for the first time, here is “Chainsaw Maid”:

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


Women Who Would Have Better and More Interesting Careers If They Were Men | She Was More Like a Beauty Queen from a Movie Scene





Comments

Rob Schneider is... STAPLER!!

Posted by: SofĂ­a at November 18, 2009 1:05 PM

Stace, are you implying that some columns are written by staffers with unhealthy, improperly functioning vaginas?

Posted by: Nicole at November 18, 2009 1:06 PM

Congrats to Depp, but holy guacamole - that cover photo People dug up is fucking hideous. Seriously hideous. Shia LeBoofishy. Guh. Barf. Icky ick ickers. Fuglish. Waxy McFakerface. Shittles. Madame Tussaud dumpster diving. Blerf. Chewy turkey danglers. You get the point.

Posted by: Skitz at November 18, 2009 1:06 PM

Ah, THANK you, Stacey. I've never found Johnny Depp even remotely attractive. He looks like a wet rat most of the time. He's scrawny and I hate his stupid facial hair and he looks like he never bathes.

And huzzah for Kelly Osbourne! I can't help but like her, and she's seriously adorable on the show. Plus, she kinda has the same build and round face I do, so I really wish I could dress like her (on her good days, she's really improved her style lately) and copy her hairstyles.

Posted by: figgy at November 18, 2009 1:07 PM

And oh, how damn predictable of People. Who's next? Brad Pitt? Tom Cruise?

VARY A LITTLE for cryin' out loud. Give me some Eric Bana or at least Gerard Butler. Sheesh. What a borefest.

Posted by: figgy at November 18, 2009 1:08 PM

More Johnny for me, thanks ladies! He can grease me up any old day.

Posted by: Cindy at November 18, 2009 1:09 PM

I love Chainsaw Maid so much.

Posted by: Snath at November 18, 2009 1:09 PM

Please, on this day could we have no further Sarah Palin? She is a blight on women everywhere.

Posted by: Cindy at November 18, 2009 1:11 PM

I just realized, JUST NOW, that Robert Pattinson did in fact play Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter. What happened, Rob? Why did you let them take your hotness away? Why would you trade the beefy goodness for face glitter and hair gel? Oh, honey, no. Just no. Also, your face now somehow looks like you got hit in the face with a football as an infant. You might want to have that looked at. Kisses!

Posted by: Cat at November 18, 2009 1:18 PM

I might be tempted to mock cat for not knowing who played what in Harry Potter, but just last week Sarina informed me that Madeline Khan is dead. I've spent the last 10 years thinking "She's been quiet, why doesn't she do a movie? I love her!"

I think that takes away any mocking leverage on my end.

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at November 18, 2009 1:24 PM

As the resident axe-weilding homicidal maniac, I wholly approve of Chainsaw Maid.

Posted by: lizzieborden at November 18, 2009 1:24 PM

Stace, are you implying that some columns are written by staffers with unhealthy, improperly functioning vaginas?

Well, you know, I've heard that Seth and Dustin's vaginas are just for decoration, like a hood ornament or something.

Posted by: Stacey at November 18, 2009 1:25 PM

That was the first time I've seen Chainsaw Maid. I cackled with glee. Thanks Stacey!
As far as Johnny Depp being Sexiest Man...eh. I mean, I'd still hit that, no question. But top of the list? I think not.

Posted by: Blonde Savant at November 18, 2009 1:26 PM

Wait--Madeline Kahn is dead?! *sob*

Posted by: lizzieborden at November 18, 2009 1:26 PM

Ah chainsaw maid, how you make me smile, time after time. I need to meet your real-world equivalent.

Posted by: The_wakeful at November 18, 2009 1:39 PM

Today's Pajiba Love will lead to a hit summer blockbuster:

World's Sexiest Man Johnny Depp stars in this chick-flick cum action thriller directed by Tim Burton. When danger rears its undead head, Geraldine (Helena Bonham Carter), a maid who once lived only to please her employers, must take a stand -- and a chainsaw -- to save the household. Her bravery attracts the attention of a dark, handsome vampire (Depp). But could the whirlwind romance of this unlikely pair be more deadly than zombies?

With an original soundtrack performed by the stars of High School Musical and "animation that rival's Pixar's finest" (TIME), Evening is "an achievement...sure to pull at your heartstrings and your lunch" (New York Times).

Bob Saget raves, "Five Stars! As original as America's Funniest Home Videos!"
Sarah Palin whoops, "Golly! Perfect for a hockey mom and her boorish clan!"

Posted by: esme at November 18, 2009 1:39 PM

Wait, am I allowed to profess my love for a fictional character on this holiest of days, or is that too unfeminist?

Posted by: The_wakeful at November 18, 2009 1:41 PM

Pssssshhhh, whatever Stacey and figgy. I'll take your share of Johnny Depp, thank you. More for me.

I love the list of the emo vampires. That Dracula trailer...I could edit out all of the non-Gary Oldman scenes and just watch the clips with him in it all day. In my bunk.

Say, speaking of lists of vampires - anyone know who is on the favorite vampires list in the Sexiest Man Alive issue of People? Probably just the twats from Twilight and Vampire Diaries, but I'd still like to know.

Posted by: stardust at November 18, 2009 1:46 PM

I could be argued that penises are improperly functioning vaginas. At least that's what my lesbian ex-girlfriend told me.

Posted by: logar at November 18, 2009 1:49 PM

Chainsaw Maid is pretty awesome. Bummer that they didn't keep going and show her dismembering the little girl's father.

What? Dude got bit. Might as well take care of him before he changes.

Posted by: TK at November 18, 2009 2:04 PM

Listen, it could be worse. I would SWEAR I heard them say on the radio yesterday/this morning that RPattz was People's Sexiest Man Alive. (Although *I* certainly wouldn't consider that worse, CAN I GET AN AMEN POPEJENN!)

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at November 18, 2009 2:18 PM

I know where my weekend is headed. Double feature, baby!
Pixar's "Up" for Kballs Jr., then she's off to bed.
Then "Up!" for Kballs and the Missus. Looks like it has a little (or big) something for everyone. I need to know what that woman in the .gif finds in that box. Unless it's another box! ZING!

Posted by: Kballs at November 18, 2009 2:18 PM

..."greatest literary achievement by a political figure in [a] lifetime...

HAHAHAHAHA! HA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Posted by: DeadBessie at November 18, 2009 2:39 PM

HAA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh God, my sides hurt.

Posted by: DeadBessie at November 18, 2009 2:40 PM

The thing that really weirds me out about Chainsaw Maid, is when she bows. The family could be English, French, or Swedish until she bows, and then they're Japanese. It's a subtle little touch, but it gets me every time. That and the purple guts.

Posted by: BWeaves at November 18, 2009 2:40 PM

I think RPatz is way more attractive than Johnny Depp. I mean, Sparklepire and all, the boy has gorgeous bone structure and a sweet smile. He's not exactly my type (too pretty) but he's definitely pretty hot.

Posted by: figgy at November 18, 2009 2:41 PM

Well, you know, I've heard that Seth and Dustin's vaginas are just for decoration, like a hood ornament or something.

I dunno...Dustin's kind of emo... *runs like fucking hell*

Posted by: Nicole at November 18, 2009 2:44 PM

RE Inbred Movies:

It was nice to see Spider Baby on the list. This is the movie that killed Lon Chaney, Jr. OK, it didn't exactly kill him, but it is the last movie he made before he died. It's bad. It's Plan 9 From Outer Space bad with incest and gratuituous lingerie. Highly recommended for your next MST3K party.

Posted by: BWeaves at November 18, 2009 2:49 PM

I haven't even looked at that Palin article; the fact that anyone said that about her book is hysterical to me. You know the bitch can't think, talk or write for shit, so if the book IS good, which I'm sure it's not, it's because someone else wrote it.

I'm OK with Johnny Depp, although I prefer his looks in his movies rather than that of him in real life. He has a beautifully sculpted face. Just get rid of the hair. I prefer a guy with interesting looks as opposed to generic Hollywood Ken dolls like Pitt.

Strange Days sounds fascinating. It's an amazingly diverse world out there. I stumble across things while net surfing that I never would've imagined existed. Saget is an odd hosting choice though.

Posted by: DeadBessie at November 18, 2009 2:51 PM

I don't care what you say.

I would have Johnny Depp washed and brought to my tent.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at November 18, 2009 4:19 PM

"I don't care what you say.

I would have Johnny Depp washed and brought to my tent."


I wouldn't even make him wash. I like em' Dirrrrrrrty.


Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 18, 2009 5:02 PM

May I just say that the strap-on sported in that last GIF is prodigious, magnificent, and terrifying, all at the same time. Holy Mother of Batman, that thing can swing!

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 18, 2009 5:03 PM

If a strap-on isn't big enough to swing, why bother?

Posted by: Brenton at November 18, 2009 8:22 PM

Rob Schneider is no Saget. Saget has much more class than this.

Pfft, totally. Dude can't even do a Tiger Uppercut.

Oh, Saget! Sorry!

/Some masculine stupidity for Paheeba day.
//Rose is actually my favorite SF character.

Posted by: vic at November 18, 2009 8:48 PM

If it's gonna be called Strange Days it better have a sexy-as-hell Angela Bassett kicking SOME motherfucker's ass.

Posted by: The Kilted Yaksman at November 18, 2009 9:47 PM

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! That Chainsaw Maid clip is the coolest thing ever!

Posted by: John W at November 18, 2009 10:36 PM

But what about the father in Chainsaw Maid? He was bitten, doesn't this gnaw at anyone else?
Is there a sequel?

Posted by: racahel at November 19, 2009 12:14 AM

Dad (Woody Harrelson) kills Chainsaw Maid (Emma Stone).

Little girl (Abigail Breslin) picks up chainsaw, kills (Jesse Eisenberg).

Plot for "Zombieland II."

Posted by: , (just , cause I'm tired of typing that other shit) at November 19, 2009 1:39 AM

Yum, I watched Cry Baby last night on hulu, looks like those at People did too.

I loved Chainsaw Maid! It was so gruesome.

Posted by: Mebe at November 19, 2009 2:38 AM





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