Levi Johnston is holding back on us in his Playgirl spread, but really — the penis which impregnated the Alaskan governor’s teenage daughter doesn’t belong in a smut mag — it belongs in a museum. (Litelysalted)
So sad! For those of you who remember MTV from not only before “Real World’ers” started getting drunk and banging each other — but before “Real World” even existed — Ken Ober, host of “Remote Control” has passed away at age 52. (Celebitchy)
And in more sad news, British actor Edward Woodward of everything from the original Wicker Man to Hot Fuzz has also passed away at age 79. (Cinematical)
Because Stephen King can’t leave well enough alone and didn’t sufficiently jump the shark by literally writing himself into his own book, he’s reopening the Dark Tower series. (Topless Robot)
Scarlett Johansson is in a new Dolce & Gabbana perfume commercial, and goddamn her acting sucks even in that. (Yeeeah!)
Ohhhhh this is creepy. I’m never going to look at Emma Watson the same way again after this. (Unreality)
I don’t understand the difference between these new “mint fudge” Oreos and the ones that come out around Christmas every year. Does anyone else know what I’m taking about? (Impulsive Buy)
Werner Herzog actually thought Nicholas Cage might have actually been on drugs while shooting Bad Lieutenant, which would explain a lot having seen the trailer. (Film Drunk)
Speaking of Bad Lieutenant, which I am SO excited for, here’s a list of the ten best corrupt cop movies. (Screen Junkies)
The word “douche” has now officially infiltrated mainstream media, although I personally think it should be reserved for only special cases involving John Mayer and Joe Francis. (Warming Glow)
If anyone caught January Jones on “Saturday Night Live” this weekend, here’s an inner monologue of what was probably going through her head at the time. (Holy Taco)
Volkswagen has always maintained a standard of excellence in advertising, (which is probably why their shitty overpriced vehicles have always been so popular) but they lost me with this one. (Agent Bedhead)
I thought I would tear shit up with this Beverly Cleary quiz, but I only scored a pathetic 3 out of 11. Do I have a challenger? (mental floss)
Good news for those of you who like to fap it to bitchy, self-righteous chicks who love the baby Jesus! The Carrie Prejean sex tape is now at level “orange” for its imminent threat to being released. (Celebslam)
I promise this will be the only time I post a clip from the “Today” show, only because I fully expect this little girl to act like this when she collects her Oscar someday:
I only got 6 out of 11 in the Ramona quiz. I STILL think of those books when people mention Chevrolets.
Posted by: Julie at November 17, 2009 1:19 PM
Meh. I thought that between "Wizard and Glass" and "Wolves" absolutely nothing happened? That they were all so bored out of their minds it was like time had stopped.
That being said I'd love to read some background stories on some of the characters. Like what happened to Sheemie or the Coffin Hunters. They were pretty cool.
I got 8 out of 11 and think Steve Carrell is a better choice for Mr. Quimby than John Corbett.
Posted by: sassmouth at November 17, 2009 1:23 PM
Looking back at Remote Control, it's truly sad to see such a promising comedic career snuffed out so suddenly and prematurely.
But enough about Colin Quinn...RIP Mr. Ober.
Posted by: laredo at November 17, 2009 1:25 PM
DUDE, sassmouth!!! I got 8/11 and guessed Steve Carell, too!! WE ARE SOULMATES!!
I didn't get the Otis Spofford question (I only read that one once) or the Henry and Beezus question (same excuse as for OS).
Didn't even know they were making a movie! I hope they get it right!!!
Posted by: Jelinas at November 17, 2009 1:30 PM
The Fateful Tale of the Onanist
Twixt hand and peen, a midnight tryst
His hand around his junk did wrap
And from it came the sound, "Fap Fap".
Posted by: Fappy McFapperson at November 17, 2009 1:31 PM
Psshhhhh, that's how I react every day when someone bids me good morning.
What?
I value manners.
Posted by: Nadine at November 17, 2009 1:31 PM
8/11, bitchezzzz.
(Granted, that's because when I read that they were making a Ramona movie I blacked out and woke up on imdb.)
Posted by: Ling at November 17, 2009 1:35 PM
Poor January Jones. Last week's SNL was dreadful. Even the Digital Short was subpar. The Party Planning clip (Hulu) was about the only thing worth a chuckle.
But she was so good in American Wedding!*
*My lawyers have advised me to make it clear that this statement is laced with sarcasm
Posted by: NJ at November 17, 2009 1:40 PM
A Beverly Cleary quiz with:
A) No Mice, and
B) No Motorcycles.
Mr./Ms. Yael Bar-Tur, whatever the hell you are with that festive name, you and Ms. Quimby may go fuck yourselves with a large toy sports car. I'll provide the motorboat noises that will make it go.
Posted by: laredo at November 17, 2009 1:41 PM
So Dr. Richard Dawkins looks like a cute chick. I'd tap it.
Posted by: EricD at November 17, 2009 1:41 PM
That isn't Emma Watson's face. They photoshopped Richard Dawkins' face on her head.
I'll admit, I'm mildly disappointed that we won't be seeing Levi's Johnston. Rip off.
Posted by: becks at November 17, 2009 1:43 PM
10 out of 11 BITCHES! And, the only one I missed was the one about the upcoming movie, which I challenge as not a proper question for a quiz about the books in the first place. So I am going to strike that question as irrelevant and say 100%!
In fact I will spoil it:
QUIZ SPOILER!
John Corbett should not be in that movie. He is always Chris in the Morning to me and having him in this kind of role will eject him from my bunk like a trebuchet.
End Spoiler.
Also, I have friends who live on Klickitat Street here in Portland, which as you really hard core Henry and Ramona fans will recall, is the same street they lived on. THAT is some cool shit right there.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 17, 2009 1:45 PM
8/11. Granted, it's only been 12 years since I read these books.
Posted by: esme at November 17, 2009 1:48 PM
You want to see Levi Johnston's limp peen? Fine. Go the grocery store and look at a pack of chicken sausages. There. I just saved you the cost of a Playgirl and a bit of your dignity.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 17, 2009 1:49 PM
Christ on a Crutch, that little girl's screams sent my dog howling from the room. He may need therapy after that.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 17, 2009 1:50 PM
Bravo to the author of that Holy Taco piece for deliberately intimating that January Jones is so stupid as to not know who played Lisa in Rear Window. Double bravo to same if he/she is in fact inadvertently revealing that he/she is that stupid.
Posted by: laredo at November 17, 2009 1:50 PM
Pshh, esme.
You weren't alive when I last read these books. I have socks older than you! (But I'm sure not cuter or sweeter!).
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 17, 2009 1:51 PM
I think John Corbett will be a great Mr. Quimby, because I always thought Mr. Quimby was a stud. Getting down on the kitchen floor to draw Oregon on a big roll of paper? Rowr.
Posted by: vikky at November 17, 2009 1:52 PM
Fappy proves my long held theory that compulsive masturbators are secretly frustrated poets.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 17, 2009 1:53 PM
I've always kind of wanted to bang Richard Dawkins, so that's not a big loss for me. He hates god as much as I do! Yippee! Now I can think about Emma Watson hating god too. Fantastic.
I will agree with NJ about how SNL last week was absolutely horrible. The party-planning bit was truly the only funny part. Jones was absolutely terrible, for one thing, but then they had to go and have the motherfucking Black Eyed Peas as the musical guest. I HATE THEM SO MUCH. I don't think I've seen a musical performance on SNL that was that uninspired and hokey since Ashlee Simpson had her Milli Vanilli moment.
Okay, kinda sad but I scored 5 out of 11, despite never having read a single Beverley Clearly book. Or knowing who Beverly Clearly was until...Well, right now. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have our benchmark.
Posted by: Jeremy Feist at November 17, 2009 1:53 PM
Do people still watch SNL? If so why?
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 17, 2009 1:53 PM
Jeremy, you MUST read the Henry Huggins books. You just KNOW he grew up to be a porn star.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 17, 2009 1:54 PM
God dammit Steven King I already finished that series and now you are going to pull this shit and make me read another Dark Tower book you pulled out of your ass?
Why don't you just stick to writing 1,000 page books that appear to have taken their plot from the fucking Simpson's Movie and leave well enough alone?
Oregon is pretty much a rectangle with a tab sticking up on the left. Like a file folder. You don't need to be Rand McNally to approximate Oregon on a piece of paper.
Nope, no Corbett as Mr. Quimby. Why oh Why would a man that hot take a role so pedestrian?
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 17, 2009 1:59 PM
Ugh. More Dark Tower? There's no way it'll be good, right?
... I'll still read it but still. I won't like it.
And Lwa"e", I always thought it was the other way around.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at November 17, 2009 2:03 PM
My ears, they are bleeding!
4 out of 11. I SUCK. And I loved Ramona as a kid, she was so much like me.
Re: Volkswagon ads--people peeing themselves is supposed to make me think your cars are good? It makes me think they're so unsafe they're terrifying to drive, like the frame is made of foil and held together by twine, you have to steer with your feet, and OnStar is a map in the glove box with an arrow pointing to the nearest hospital and the phrase "good luck, bitches!" scrawled in the margin. No thanks.
Posted by: DeadBessie at November 17, 2009 2:05 PM
No, I meant draw Oregon. Like, Mount Olympia. And... the other things in Oregon.
I'm saying: I always thought Mr. Quimby was hot, and John Corbett, is hot, so I say good choice. If they can work in "a Mr. Nosmo King" joke in the movie, I'll be one happy lady.
You know what might help SNL a teeny bit? If they actually rehearsed beforehand and learned some of their lines. It's always so God-awful obvious that they're all reading from cue cards, and I'm too old to have people reading to me.
Posted by: DeadBessie at November 17, 2009 2:10 PM
Mt Hood? We have no Mt. Olympia I am aware of. We do have a Colombia River, but we kind of have to share it with Washington (the soggy fuckers) so that ruins it for me. I do drive over it twice a day every day though, it is a big effin' river.
Pretty much every Oregon school child has to draw the major features of the state on a piece of butcher paper at some point in grade school. Quimby is going to have to nut up and bring it to impress me.
Fun fact: the Willamette River is the second longest river in the WORLD to flow north, the longest being the Nile.
*the more you know!*
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 17, 2009 2:13 PM
Yes, Mt. Hood.
Who would you suggest for Mr. Quimby? I guess I'm so attached to the idea of John Corbett because Steve Carell and Jason Lee were such horrible choices.
Posted by: vikky at November 17, 2009 2:19 PM
7/11 on the Cleary quiz and I'm so ashamed. I read EVERY single one of her books as a kid and pre-teen. Many of them multiple times. I loved Ramona, Beezus, Henry Higgins, his dog Ribsy, all of them. I credit her books with turning me into a reader for life.
I LOVE the video of the girl's reaction. Hee.
Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at November 17, 2009 2:25 PM
Seriously, Stephen King? You went and fucked the DT Series in the ear with the shit you pulled and now your telling us you aren't done yet? Please, leave well enough alone. Some of us chalked that stunt up to a short trip to insanityville on your part, don't piss all over the little bit of love and good will we have left.
8 out of 11 on the Beverly Cleary quiz. I WAS Ramona.
Posted by: scorzi at November 17, 2009 2:53 PM
(riding a tricycle and playing a harmonica)
Copycat! Cappycot! Copycat! Cappycot!
Posted by: scorzi at November 17, 2009 2:58 PM
Agree: No Carell or Lee.
Oh I don't know. Mr. Quimby is a bit of a geek if I remember correctly. Now, don't get me wrong, I like a nerdy guy as much as the next dominatrix, but Corbett is just too big for the role. He is a big man. If this were the 80's I'd say Michael Gross, the dad from Family Ties. See where I'm going?
Maybe Robert Sean Leonard? I am watching 'House' at the moment, so I have Wilson on the brain.
I am not good at the casting thing. I just can't see Corbett doing the role. That's all. Nothing personal.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 17, 2009 3:00 PM
Hi, Pieface!
Posted by: vikky at November 17, 2009 3:01 PM
6/11 on the Cleary quiz. Shameful, shameful given what a reader I was as a kid.
As to J. Jones, is she good at anything? She's tepid as Betty and was horrific on SNL. As to her beauty, yeah, she's pretty but she looks like any other beauty pageant contestant from the heartland. Seriously. Give me Hendricks any day!
Posted by: samantha t at November 17, 2009 3:06 PM
What about using the actual dad that was on the Ramona TV show on PBS? Sarah Polley played the young Ramona and I can't see her as anything else.
SO many Ramona memories are coming back. Scrunching Susan's paper bag owl cause the bitch copied her, getting her boot caught in the mud and Henry Huggins rescuing her. Having to wear footie pajamas when playing a sheep in the Christmas pageant and using mascara to make a nose. Chasing Davey on the playground.
Ramona fucking kicked ass. Her and Anne of Green Gables (even though she ended up marrying Gilbert Blythe, when he pulled her hair as a kid she broke a slate over his head.) We need more girl characters like this!
Posted by: scorzi at November 17, 2009 3:07 PM
6/11
And I still have no idea what the books are about.
Posted by: kooling123 at November 17, 2009 3:09 PM
RIP Edward Woodward. Callan ruled. I can still remember that swinging lightbulb opening...
Yes, those mint fudge Oreos look like the standard mint choc ones. (Which reminds me, I found mint choc Oreo fudge in a shop called Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory in LA once, and it was nummy.)
Posted by: tarn at November 17, 2009 3:10 PM
5 out of 11 I only really remember the cat...
As for SN: we watched it last night on PVR and yes the only kind of funny part was planning the cocktail party, that first skit with the bad ongoing fart joke was horrible, where have the good old days of schweaty balls and Diane you are a bitch gone. We watched the best of Amy Peohler after and laughed our asses off with the exception of any skit that Drew Barrymore was in. She is truly missed as well as Tina Fey, the only good SNL shows these days are the ones with Justin Timberlake where even Sandberg isn't such a douche. Like a french whore, "i'm out"
Posted by: Mrs. Admin at November 17, 2009 3:43 PM
I just want to say 'Thanks', just a few weeks ago you posted a nipple pic in your review of 'The Stepfather'...I love you guys.....
Posted by: Jim at November 17, 2009 3:45 PM
Levi Johnston is holding back on us in his Playgirl spread, but really — the penis which impregnated the Alaskan governor’s teenage daughter doesn’t belong in a smut mag — it belongs in a museum.
If by, "in a museum," he means he should be castrated, and have it thrown in a pickle jar. That dumbfuck's responsible for enough bullshit about Bristol Effin' Palin to fill a football stadium.
Whoa! First Mr.Figgy this weekend and now Mrs. Admin are coming round? I feel like I'm meeting the family. Is my hair OK? I hope they like me...
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 17, 2009 3:54 PM
I got 8 of 11 on the Ramona quiz, but I think what's more alarming is that they are probably going to ruin a nice childhood memory of mine with a crappy movie.
Posted by: pxilated at November 17, 2009 4:00 PM
Fappy proves my long held theory that compulsive masturbators are secretly frustrated poets.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 17, 2009 1:53 PM
------------------------------------------------
We can't always find a pen, LindsEy.
Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at November 17, 2009 4:03 PM
11/11! I'm actually kind of impressed with myself, although I do think about Ramona quite often... like some of the other commenters, I was convinced that we were the same. Although, I also loved Emily's Runaway Imagination. Bless Beverly Clearly.
Posted by: Laura at November 17, 2009 4:31 PM
Right, JDW:
"Oh, bless me, I have a deep and beautiful thought I wish to express to the world, to bare my soul, so pause in wonderment...Oh shit, no pen. Oh well, might as well beat off."
I bet this happened to Yeats all. the. time.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 17, 2009 4:50 PM
"Oh, bless me, I have a deep and beautiful thought I wish to express to the world, to bare my soul, so pause in wonderment...Oh shit, no pen. Oh well, might as well beat off."
Another DT book would be fine with me, but not a half-assed prequel. How about a follow-up w/ Patrick Danville as the main character? (NUT-CRUSHING SPOILERS AHEAD)...he plays a huge role at the end of Roland's journey, and in IMO has massive potential to be a really interesting facet of a new DT book.
Posted by: stryker1121 at November 17, 2009 4:59 PM
Fair point, Snath. Fair point.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 17, 2009 5:05 PM
I clearly have no idea what goes on in the pages of Playgirl, but... So does the dude just lay there? Like, does he just drop his britches and pose? Wouldn't there need to be a certain level of arousal going on so his dingler had a little more going on?
Posted by: Skitz at November 17, 2009 5:06 PM
I got 9/11, and I second the vote for RSL to play the father. He has the versatility to actually act the part.
January Jones has to be the most boring, lifeless actor on Mad Men.SPOILER I really hope that Betty leaving Don means she'll be cut back to the occasional guest appearance.END SPOILER
And why have so many great people died all at once? So not fair. . .
Posted by: Minty at November 17, 2009 5:11 PM
"I clearly have no idea what goes on in the pages of Playgirl,"
Sure you don't. {Wink wink}
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 17, 2009 5:19 PM
You want to see Levi Johnston's limp peen? Fine. Go the grocery store and look at a pack of chicken sausages.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 17, 2009 1:49 PM
---------------------------------------------------
Limp peen. It's what's for dinner.
Posted by: Lauren at November 17, 2009 5:32 PM
Here's an idea for the Dark Tower book:
How about some info on the Crimson King? You know, the big baddie who was referenced throughout the entire series, had men in all the worlds working for him, was trying to break the Beams and end everything, and then
*spoilers*
was undone by a FUCKING ERASER?!?
You know, that guy? How about we learn how he got to be such a powerful figure, how he got to the Tower, etc, etc?
I really thought King was gonna out him as Merlyn, in keeping with the whole Arthur the Eld theme. But noooo... he just sorta crapped out in the end.
Posted by: MelBivDevoe at November 17, 2009 5:46 PM
10/11 on the Beverly Cleary quiz, bitches!
Posted by: Cree83 at November 17, 2009 7:24 PM
Not one mention that "The Equalizer" is dead? I loved that show. Jesus, I feel old.
Posted by: ALR at November 17, 2009 7:25 PM
Dammit Stephen King! As much as I love that series, he needs to leave it closed. It is just fine like it is.
I say that, but I my pants would be on fire if I said I wouldn't read a new Dark Tower book. I totally will. But I'd rather not. I'd be happiest if he just confined it to the story of the Crimson King like Mel suggested, but he won't.
He really needs to leave all the back-story and in-between story to the series of comics that he is commissioning.
I'd LOVE to hear more about the Crimson King and how about this-- an ENTIRE book about Flagg. I think they both got terribly shortchanged in the series, specially considering how much he's written about them in his other books. So come on, King. Give us the goods.
Swear to Godtopus I saw a license plate today that read:
711FAP
Posted by: , (just , cause I'm tired of typing that other shit) at November 18, 2009 1:32 AM
Skitz,
in the olden days, when I used to read Playgirl, the models weren't allowed to be hard. I don't know if that still applies, but the sight of limp peen doesn't do much for me - hence, 'used to read'.
Posted by: tarn at November 18, 2009 12:11 PM
I had a 2000 VW Jetta, and it was the worst car I ever had -- and I owned a 1970 vomit-colored Mercury Comet with bowling-ball sized rusted-out holes in the fenders! Those cars are shit (the VWs, I mean -- Mercury Comets are awesome).
Posted by: jimbob at November 18, 2009 2:29 PM
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I only got 6 out of 11 in the Ramona quiz. I STILL think of those books when people mention Chevrolets.