Pajiba

I saw that DirecTV commercial yesterday and just about shit a brick. Tasteless? Absolutely. I mean, I don't put much past David Spade...I think he'd do anything for a quick buck. But, I thought he and Farley were really good friends. While I did enjoy "Fat guy in a little coat" I DID NOT appreciate it shilling for satellite TV!

/exit soapbox

If you're a "celebrity journalist" and you harbor even the most fleeting illusions towards possessing a soul, you really must drink a quart of cheap whiskey and stare very hard at a bottle of Drain-O every night.

I've got some Jodie Sweetin stories for y'all. Jodie and I (we are on a first name basis) went to college together. And by together I mean, went to the same school and even had a class together.

Week 1, during orientation she gets drunk and falls down the stairs of the residence hall and breaks her ankle. Does she seek medical attention? No, she continues to limp around campus for a week until finally getting a cast.

A few weeks later I went to a western themed club here in orange county and who do I see dancing on the bar, flashing her hoo-ha? The always classy Ms. Tanner, er I mean Sweetin.

She's lucky that this was before the advent of cell phone cameras because this would have hit TMZ and I would be posting a link to the pictures that were snapped.

But you didn't hear any of this from me, cause I ain't one to gossip.

But it's not even news! I mean, the Tracey Gold book, at least that was kind of a surprise.

Good for you Paul Haggis! Now give your best picture Oscar to Capote or Constant Gardner and we'll call it square...

The Yankees will rape the Phillies no matter how much stupid shit the fans try to pull.

DEAL with it, losers.

Regarding the story of the original Sweet Dee: while the guys certainly acted immaturely, this seems like a typical bitter break-up story to me, except that a TV-show contract was involved.

But that stuff about thetans, Haggis: You're still cool with that?

I always love the terms like "shammy religion" because they imply the ridiculous notion that some religions are more legit than others.

HOT SAUCE IS NOT FOR YOUR ANUS.

The more you know.....

HOT SAUCE IS NOT FOR YOUR ANUS.

Truer words never spoken.

This reminds me of a story my friend told me [shut up! it really was my friend. Not me. I swear!] about her boyfriend making jalapeno poppers one evening, then apparently not washing his hands at all, eventually some fondling ensued, and then some yelling, and jumping around, and running to the shower... but water doesn't really help...

Moral of the story: capsaicins and your tenderest mucus membranes DO NOT MIX.

"HOT SAUCE IS NOT FOR YOUR ANUS."

Putting jalapenos on a paper plate of nachos with a hole cut out in the middle for your wiener on a first date is unwise as well...

I, like dammitjanet, near shit a brick when I saw that DirecTV ad for the first time last night.

Then I remembered how the first one featured the little dead girl from Poltergeist, and was less surprised (though still no less likely to never, ever, ever use DirecTV).

P.S. A couple of friends of mine first met in a bar, where he, a slightly stout fellow, grabbed her slender girlfriend's jacket and did "fat guy in a little coat". They're engaged now. True Story.

I must be in the minority here, but I don't detest the David Spade commercial. I actually kind of like it. I by kind of like it, I mean love it. It comes across, to me, as more of an homage. The way he says, "Funny every time" at the end sounds like a "Miss you, buddy" to me. Maybe I'm a sap, maybe I'm an optimist, or maybe I just don't use up my time looking for things to be mad about. I dunno, but either way I love it.

Lindsey with an 'e': For the sake of preaching to the choir, I'm gonna add "protection" to the list of -tions for the buttsex. Although don't skimp on the #3. There, does count as 100 hours of community service? It doesn't? Well shit.

And Skitz...No, that is not a good idea. That is a perfectly good waste of nachoes. SHAAAAAAAAME.

While we're talking about Tracy Morgan, I wanted to share my theory: Mo'Nique, Dramatic Actress sounds exactly like Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan. Go watch the Precious trailer and whenever Mo'Nique has big scenes, close your eyes and it sounds like a Very Special Episode of 30 Rock.

Ok, so we've concluded that no hot sauce is allowed near the burning ring of fire, butt, what about ketchup? Mustard? Relish? Ooooh, mayo!? Ceasar dressing? I mean, if I'm going to toss a salad I might as well gussy that fucker up too.

Clearly, you don't want mayo. Miracle Whip is the only choice when it comes to ass-liking. Don't be so mayo, admin.

Never thought I'd say this, but fuck yeah Paul Haggis! Almost makes up for Crash. Almost.

SQUEE Ricky Gervais is hosting the Golden Globes this year!

HIGHJACK!!

I enjoy croutons on my salad.

Wait, what?

Skitz, I may need to break out the 'Dirty Euphemisms Thesaurus' for that one.

Also: Ceasar? Really? Here's a good rubric:
would it sting if it got in your eye? Yes? Then keep it out of the bunghole.

Do we have an official position on Bac-Os?

Um, perhaps I'm showing my naivte, but who has to be told NOT to put hot sauce on his/her/someone else's asshole? Who needs to be told that?

Who needs to be told that?

The same people who need a label to tell them that the bestselling "Bag O' Glass" contains broken glass.

The only time I want to hear from John Mayer is when a barber on Dave Chapelle's show tells him to shut the F*** Up!

Y'all are twisted. And I like that about you HOWEVER I'm limiting condiments to whip cream. And maybe chocolate pudding. You come at me with Hot Sauce and the clothes are back on.

Jeremy et al:

Hot sauce, tabasco, chili oil etc.--ANYTHING containing capsicum--is not for the tender mucous membranes of the delicious human body.

If you want some sting, and who doesn't once in a while, go with fresh ginger (or ginger oil if you can find it; try your nearest Asian grocery). It burns, but in a good way, not a hot-sauce way, and does no damage to the tissues.

If you're not at your work station, do a search on "figging" (in a sexual context).

If you're not at your work station, do a search on "figging"

WHAT?!

KY makes a warming liquid that's slippery and warm and does NOT set fire to your mucous membranes.

It doesn't taste very good, though.

If you haven't looked it up, how do you know that you don't know what it means? Huh? Huh?

You little...figgy, you.

So we're suppose to believe that reasonably intelligent and amusing Paul Rudd and Jason Segel are actually both fans of Jon Mayer's drivel and that he serenaded Rashida Jones with a song that he allegedly wrote for another "girl friend," Jennifer Anniston. Whoever his publicist is should resign and just get out of the business. Why don't they just come out and say Mayer was inspected and declared USDA prime heterosexual. And then they could have him go on Oprah and jump on the couch for awhile. That should seal the deal.