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Don't Let the Door Hit You in Your Gigantic Chin on the Way Out

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | October 23, 2009 | Comments (43)

Ashlee Simpson got handed her pink slip on “Melrose Place,” which actually kind of makes me sad because watching her complete and utter acting failure was the most unintentionally entertaining aspect of the show. Oh well. Hopefully they’ll at least make it bloody. (Celebitchy)

Alf is in the house! No problem! Happy Friday, everyone. Here’s Alf throwing down some sweet beats to start off your weekend. (FourFour)

Bronson Pinchot, not content with shooting his career in the face, has elaborated to the Wall Street Journal and taken to his twitter page. Now it’s Balki’s time to shine! (Agent Bedhead)

Scream IV is going to be filmed in 3-D. Oh, because of course it goddamn is. (Bloody Disgusting)

I actually caught “The Office” when it aired last night since my beloved “Supernatural” was a rerun, (*shakes fist in air*) and I thoroughly agree that last night’s episode totally hit it out of the ballpark. (Hairballs)

Oy, here’s something cringeworthy for the Bruce Campbell fan: The least essential works of Bruce Campbell. Really? No My Name is Bruce? That movie was the least essential thing that has ever existed. (Topless Robot)

Speaking of things that aren’t essential, they actually made an action figure of Indiana Jones from the refrigerator scene in Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. Even more surprisingly, it’s completely sold out. (Film Drunk)

The opening night for Sienna Miller’s Broadway show After Miss Julie was last night, and her acting was — how should we say? — not good. (Superior Gossip)

Here are five classic horror films reviewed by a both 10-year old and a 24-year-old. (Holy Taco)

DEAR SWEET JESUS. His face!!! What on Earth happened to Billy Bob Thornton’s face?! It looks like it was sculpted out of silly putty. (Seriously? OMG!)

David Cross bragged that he did a line of coke at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Oh big wow, you’re so cool, David Cross. Go make another fucking movie about talking chipmunks. (DListed)

Good news! The biggest nerd ever has been located, and he’s cloned himself to sing the Ghostbusters theme song a cappella. Are you really going to deny this man a third installment?

Pajiba Love is brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

I would pay real money to watch Asslee Simpson get mangled by a combine, or a woodchipper or 500,000 depleted uranium shells from an A10.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 23, 2009 1:42 PM

Holy Shit! That Ghostbusters guy is awesome. AWESOME, I TELL YOU.

Posted by: missh at October 23, 2009 1:46 PM

Now wait a second. Is that kid nekkid with a Wall-E poster on his wall
and his hand up an ape puppet's butt? Initially I was just worried about
all the time he has to concoct the video and his odd facination with the
Ghostbusters movie. The he goes all monkeypuppet on us.

Posted by: Ms MoMo at October 23, 2009 1:51 PM

You know what I find the most interesting thing about that video? It is not the fact that the guy is way into it or the awesome effect of the moving picture. But the fact that he is shirtless with the monkey puppet. Why oh why is he shirtless? And why a monkey?

But he actually does a good job with it.

Posted by: Tra at October 23, 2009 1:51 PM

@ Tra

Ha! huzzahs from an alternative universe. Good call.

Posted by: Ms MoMo at October 23, 2009 1:53 PM

I find myself inexplicably attracted to nerds of such high caliber.

Posted by: Alexandra at October 23, 2009 1:55 PM

Has anyone seen the Penis Chorale? Takes the penis game to a WHOLE new level.

Posted by: superEdna at October 23, 2009 2:02 PM

I would pay real money to watch Asslee Simpson get mangled by a combine, or a woodchipper

I'm with B-Slim on this one. In fact, I think we should pitch a reality show idea to the Cohen brothers, one where they sign up shitty actresses like Simpson, Lohan and everyone from the hills, and each week they take the worst of the bad and do something awesome to them, like the combine, or a wood chipper, or lock them naked in a room with Joe Francis on ecstasy for 24 hours.

Fuck, who am I kidding, even Joe Francis has some standards.

Posted by: Xtreme at October 23, 2009 2:04 PM

Terrific GB cover, but the dude is a bit weird. Nekkid with a monkey puppet? Really? That's a Deal Breaker.
This boy will NEVER get laid.
Also, he appears to have moobs in the drum solo. Not good.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at October 23, 2009 2:08 PM

Ditto. There's obviously a lot of work involved with making a multi-track recording. Precision is key. Determination is a driving force. At times, failure seemed the end result. And did he give up? Did he decide that making a goofy video for a few minutes of internet fame was beyond his reach? Fuck. No.

He swallowed his pride, threw away the scattered remnants of his diginity, chugged a half-gallon of cheap Scotch and roared to the heavens above "IF THIS BE THINE TEST (...hic...) BE PREPARED FOR A BATTLE! OH YES, OMNIPOTENT ONE - YOU ARE A CRUEL (...hic...) A CRUEL... UM... I SHALL REMOVE THEE SHIRTETH SO WHAT YOU MAY GAZE UPON WHAT YE HAVE (...hic...) CREATED IN THOU IMAGERY AND STUFF! MY BALLAD OF SPOOKERY SHALL FOREVER REMAIN TESTAMENT TO THE GLORY OF RAY PARKER JR.! I TREAD (...hic...) NOT IN THIS JOURNEY ALONE, FOR I HAVE THIS FUCKING... THIS MONKEY PUPPET HERE... HE IS MY SAMWISE GAMGEE! MY SUNDANCE KID! MY... I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO GHOSTESES! [...sounds of dry retching]

I'd like to start a slow clap. Right here. Who shall join me?

Posted by: Skitz at October 23, 2009 2:10 PM

Congratulations are due to Hollywood for making every upcoming genre flick in 3D. They've managed to hit on a trend even more irritating than remakes and guaranteed me not seeing a damn one in theaters. Well done.

I sincerely hope Avatar crashes and burns for this.

Posted by: TylerDFC at October 23, 2009 2:28 PM

I am completely overjoyed to see Ashlee Simpson failing spectacularly. Maybe it's the beginning of something good--Lindsay Lohan made a complete ass of herself in the fashion industry, and now this. Maybe it's the beginning of the end for all these annoying-as-fuck starlets. Hannah Montana, you're next.

Posted by: figgy at October 23, 2009 2:28 PM

Pssst, Stacey.

You saw where Dustin called Jensen Ackles bland, right?

Posted by: sarahinak at October 23, 2009 2:29 PM

I find it strange that the headline for this post, "don't let the door hit you in your gigantic chin on the way out" was immediately preceded by "the five most empowered females currently on television".

On one hand we're celebrating strong female role models, and on the other we're mocking a (generally attractive) woman for her physical characteristics? It's rather unnecessary...I mean, her shitacular acting and creepy father are fodder enough for the taunting.

Posted by: kalafraja at October 23, 2009 2:32 PM

C'mon figgy, how dare you call Hannah Montana an actress??!!?? I will not stand for it! Next you'll be calling the Jonas Brothers "singers", for crying out loud! Or Megan Fox "intelligent"! Is there no end to your debauchery?

Posted by: Xtreme at October 23, 2009 2:38 PM

Good afternoon:

My name is Pringles. I am the monkey puppet in the above-featured video. I'd like to take this opportunity to set the record straight - In no way, shape, or form was I approached to participate in the multitrack recording. Instead, I was taken by force, from my owner's room (the little sister of the young man who created the video), and humiliated beyond belief.

Earlier that afternoon, I had been enjoying a tea party with a number of my stuffed animal colleagues. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I'd be snatched from a peaceful discussion on how Barbie should rearrange her Dream House and thrust in front of a camera, sweaty hand shoved deep within my body and manipulating my...

... I'm sorry. It's still so fresh.

Thank God my time in front of the camera was cut short. Had it gone on a moment longer, you'd have seen something no self-respecting Plush should ever have to endure - I was dry humped in front of my shrieking owner then thrown headfirst into a wall where I came to rest upon a foul-smelling pile of wadded up tissues.

My name is Pringles.

Pringles the Monkey.

And I'm still here...

Posted by: Monkey Puppet at October 23, 2009 2:40 PM

I never said actress! never! Take that back!

Posted by: figgy at October 23, 2009 2:47 PM

You saw where Dustin called Jensen Ackles bland, right?

WHERE?

Posted by: Stacey at October 23, 2009 2:48 PM

I think you underestimate the power of people who collect Harrison Ford action figures.

My husband is a huge fan of Ford and he owns every, EVERY I SAY, action figure that HF has ever had made. We have a wall of Han Solo figures (with different degrees of kung-fu grip and variations of jacket and pant stripe colors) and a whole section of a room dedicated to Indiana Jones figures. We even have a spot exclusively for a figure of Bob Falfa, and I'm not even sure where that guy came from. If he finds out that there is an Indiana Jones figure in that damn refrigerator, he will track it down. If he finds out it has already sold out, he will find one and probably trade sexual favors to have it.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at October 23, 2009 3:02 PM

I never said actress! never! Take that back!
Posted by: figgy at October 23, 2009 2:47 PM

Shit. You are, as ever, correct.

*hangs disgraced head in shame*

Please feel free to extract the most diabolic revenge imaginable. As long as it doesn't involve making me listen to any "music" released by any of these fucktards. Anything but that. I'd rather be locked in a closet with a drunken Paris Hilton. Wait. I take that back. Play the "music", please and thank you.

Posted by: Xtreme at October 23, 2009 3:06 PM

Being completely tonedeaf myself, I'm always impressed by anyone who can sing acapella.

The GB song reminds me of the time a bunch of us gradstudents when to see something juvenile at the movies, and we sat behind a row of 10 little kids because they were short and didn't block the view. This was before stadium seating. The trailer for GB II came on, and when they got to the part, "Who ya gonna call?" the entire row of little kids yelled "Ghostbusters" in unison. The entire theatre laughed.

Posted by: BWeaves at October 23, 2009 3:09 PM

What's annoying about 3D? Well, besides the surcharge they put on the Real-3D glasses, but like I said yesterday, what is the offense here?

Posted by: Jay at October 23, 2009 3:13 PM

You know what I find the most interesting thing about that video? It is not the fact that the guy is way into it or the awesome effect of the moving picture. But the fact that he is shirtless with the monkey puppet. Why oh why is he shirtless? And why a monkey?

That was my first thought. Then I got distracted by the omnipresent WALL*E on the right side. Even when there are three frames it's right there between two of them.

Posted by: appwitch at October 23, 2009 3:20 PM

The real question today is what will Rowles be doing for Ryan Reynold's 33rd birthday? I don't know what he has in store, but I'm pretty sure that it will be "extra special".

Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at October 23, 2009 3:43 PM

BSlim, thank you for using my favoritest military airplane ever (OMG XOXOXO) in your description of the destruction of Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. When I was 12, I knew how many rounds the A-10 could carry for its gun. Since I'm older now, I had to look it up. That number is 1350 rounds, which means that it would take several trips to accomplish this feat, and that's ok, because maybe she's lip-synching in an armored vehicle parked in a hardened structure. You never know.

Anyway, if we neglect friction (poor, neglected friction) and assume proper loading and firing of the weapon and its ammunition, we get 500,000/1350=370.370r for the number of trips. We'll round up and say that it would take 371 trips to expend the 500,000 rounds you prescribe, and there would still be 850 rounds remaining to go find her sister.

This may seem preposterous, but keep in mind that people who run over a snake or a lawyer will often back up at least once to run over it again. This is a departure of degree and not kind from the aircraft vs. celebrity scenario now put before us. Oh, and after the pilot (whom I hope would be one of the many female A-10 pilots in the USAF who are both better-looking and have better singing voices than the Simpson sisters) has completed her rather expensive, but necessary task, the press could drop the "z" from Ashlee's hyphenated last name.

Posted by: laredo at October 23, 2009 4:09 PM

Also, in researching Mrs. Simpson-Wentz, I saw that she is credited with an episode of Melrose Place called "Shoreline". Upon seeing this, I thought at first that her character name was Shoreline, and, while I was later disabused of this misapprehension, I think that Shoreline would in fact be an excellent choice for her character's name, as she would likely be flat, lying near the ocean, and covered with seamen.

Posted by: laredo at October 23, 2009 4:15 PM

Oh, and reading the post headline, I thought either Leno was getting canceled or Bruce Campbell was getting divorced. Tell the president "yes on one and no on two".

Posted by: laredo at October 23, 2009 4:24 PM

when your flamboyant in the closet nudephobic once psychologist now wanna be actor character without a fucking clue starts being less pathetic than your real persona you're starting to have a problem. dude get it together and stop dating joan of arcadia, people stop bragging about their cocaine escapes in kindergarten!

Posted by: rio at October 23, 2009 4:27 PM

i am going to be gone for a while (well, you won't notice as for you it will be instantaneous), travelling back in time and space to personally choke the life out of ray parker jr. . .

*

. . . i'm back. he wasn't afraid of me neither. i just got my ass handed to me in 1984, in case anyone wants to pay me a little GodDamned attention!

Posted by: gp at October 23, 2009 4:35 PM

C'mon gp, get back on the horse! Go back in time to 1953 and shit kick Ray Parker Sr. If you play your cards right, there will be no Jr.!

Posted by: Xtreme at October 23, 2009 5:13 PM

Dear Sienna,

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

hahahahahahahaha ...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ...

"Actress" ... yeah ... whatever you say.

Love n at,

Shittsburgh

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at October 23, 2009 7:56 PM

Hold up.

AMBER TAMBLYN IS DATING DAVID CROSS!?!?!

WTF

Posted by: grace b at October 23, 2009 7:58 PM

Xtreme: you're gonna watch all the Olsen twins movies. One right after the other. No bathroom breaks.

You can call me FigSaw from now on.

Posted by: figgy at October 23, 2009 10:56 PM

Figgy FTW.

, goes !

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at October 24, 2009 1:20 AM

Who cares!!! My boyfriend also agrees with me. He is 10 years older than me, lol. We met online at age-gap club -- http://AgelessOnly.COM/. Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends.

Posted by: Loanna at October 24, 2009 5:46 AM

On one hand we're celebrating strong female role models, and on the other we're mocking a (generally attractive) woman for her physical characteristics? It's rather unnecessary...I mean, her shitacular acting and creepy father are fodder enough for the taunting.

I don't see how they're particularly relevant to be honest. When I saw the title I had a fleeting moment where I hoped that Leno had somehow been canned, so I don't think it's particularly gendered humor.

Posted by: Chugga at October 24, 2009 11:54 AM

I like a chin on a woman. But I have good taste.

Posted by: Lucas at October 24, 2009 4:23 PM

@Stacey

...do you even read this site?


/I kid.
//But I don't think you do.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at October 24, 2009 5:51 PM

I don't give a crap. That Ghostbusters guy is brilliant. Monkey love or not.

Did you see the way he was looking at that puppet?

Posted by: Elle Jae at October 25, 2009 9:17 PM

Didn't bother to read other comments or shitfest thereof, but my first thought upon seeing that Ghostbuster videoguy was 'Paul Dano should totally play him." In what, I would not know, but seriously, Dano can do it.

Posted by: yocean at October 25, 2009 10:05 PM

"I regret my choice of words there, and would like to amend my statement by saying I found his willingness to be ungenerous, unkind, knowingly hurtful both mentally and physically to myself and the crew to be the saddest misuse of stardom I have ever experienced or hope to experience."

Bronson Pinchot is my hero. Just when you thought he was backtracking, with his "I regret my choice of words there..." BAM! Right hook to Denzel's reputation.

Posted by: Daniel Hall at October 25, 2009 10:07 PM

Ouch Figgy, thou art true evil. I bow to your vileness.

Posted by: Xtreme at October 26, 2009 9:41 AM

Stacey

In his Top Ten Generic Actors List

*stirs pot*

Posted by: sarahinak at October 26, 2009 10:18 AM





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