free counter with statistics Pajiba Love 10/22/09 | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Endlessly Watchable Suckitude

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | October 22, 2009 | Comments (45)

This could probably be a comment diversion, but what’s your favorite obviously horrible movie you can watch over and over again? I have to disagree with this post though, Lake Placid is clearly satire. Come on! (Unreality)

In honor of the Heene family, here is a list of the top five most moronic families in movies. (Cinematical)

Roger Ebert has finally weighed in his opinion on the growing trend of the use of 3-D in movies. Spoiler alert! He hates it. (Film Drunk)

Wow, does it really surprise anyone that Tom Cruise was the inspiration for Christian Bale’s character in American Psycho? (Frothy Girlz)

The stupidity of America’s “Movie Movies” has somehow inexplicably made its way overseas. Hey, at least they got Leslie Nielsen, bitches. (Agent Bedhead)

Has that “Stuff White People Like” website done an entry on Kashi yet? Name me another company that makes frozen foods with goddamn pumpkin seeds sprinkled on top. (Impulsive Buy)

Celebrity reality shows continue to scrape the barrel as far as the celebrity in question and network said show is appearing on. Don’t believe me? Five words: Carnie Wilson and Game Show Network. (Celebitchy)

Zooey Descanel is going to guest star with her sister on an episode of “Bones,” which is kind of cute but really, what won’t Zooey Dechanel do? (Warming Glow)

You can expect a lot more turtles in your future. Nickelodeon has acquired the rights to the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” cartoon, whereas Paramount is making a full-length movie. My pet turtle, Donatello, heartily approves. Well, he would if his brain wasn’t the size of a popcorn kernel, anyway. (Gordon and the Whale)

Here’s a look into Emilie Autumn’s live show, although I have to admit to not knowing who the hell she is. (TMITM)

Whitney Houston is allegedly bisexual, according to Bobby Brown. Ew. I don’t want to picture her having sex with men, much less women. (Superior Gossip)

Speaking of “ew,” there might be a David Letterman sex tape floating around out there. And he actually thought he could handle this with dignity. (Yeeeah!)

You guys are gonna have a damn field day with this one. Say hello to the new sex-having G-spot-finding device, the “G-Thrust,” which looks about as comfortable as having sex on a swingset. Only actually less comfortable. (DListed)

I totally missed Harriet Carter Wednesday yesterday, if you’re interested in useless crap you can’t have sex with. (Or can you?) (IBBB)

For no other reason than Balki being the center of attention for a hot minute, here is a “Perfect Strangers”-Requiem for a Dream mash-up: (Via Warming Glow)

Pajiba Love is brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

I fiercely agree with Armageddon and Showgirls, they both suck, yet I watch them anyway. It's probably because there are two perfect things in movies, Bruce Willis and gratuitous nudity.

Posted by: George at October 22, 2009 1:06 PM

The horrible movie that I can (and do) watch over and over is Con-air. Lake Placid is right up there on my list too.

Posted by: becks at October 22, 2009 1:09 PM

what’s your favorite obviously horrible movie you can watch over and over again?

What, are you kidding?

Red Dawn.

The Horror at Party Beach.

Bluebeard is one of the worst movies ever made, seriously, and it's fucking hysterical from start to finish.

If I think of any more, I'll come back.

Posted by: Jerce at October 22, 2009 1:12 PM

I can easily picture every woman I've ever known wanting to use that g-thrust thing. But then again, every woman I have ever known is fucking crazy.

Posted by: EricD at October 22, 2009 1:17 PM

Zooey Descanel is going to guest star with her sister on an episode of “Bones”

When, dammit, when! The DVR won't just record this on it's own you know.

(Maybe TiVo is smart enough to do that, I don't know. All I have is the piece of shit the cable company provides. You know, the one that can't distinguish between a first-run episode of the Soup and the dozen times they re-run the same episode over the weekend. It's god damn 2009, Comcast, get your shit together already!)

@Pajiba After Dark, I'm counting on you to not let me miss this.

Posted by: Yossarian at October 22, 2009 1:19 PM

Oh, by the way, T-Pain released a new song, and it might very well be the worst song ever recorded.

Posted by: George at October 22, 2009 1:20 PM

Kinda hard to pick just one, since I'm a MST3K fan and can thus laugh at horrible movies, but the ones that I honestly enjoy on face value are Armageddon, The Rock (Carla WAS the prom queen!), and (though it's at worst "not great" not terrible, Can't Hardly Wait.

Posted by: octothorp at October 22, 2009 1:38 PM

While I'm very discerning about what I'll spend money on in the theater, or even renting, I'll watch just about any kind of crappy crap that's on tv.

Posted by: elsie at October 22, 2009 1:38 PM

Kinda hard to pick just one, since I'm a MST3K fan and can thus laugh at horrible movies, but the ones that I honestly enjoy on face value are Armageddon, The Rock (Carla WAS the prom queen!), and (though it's at worst "not great," not terrible, Can't Hardly Wait.

Posted by: octothorp at October 22, 2009 1:39 PM

Finally! Another use for momma's pryin' board and that length of extension cord that hold my pants up.

Posted by: admin at October 22, 2009 1:44 PM

I thought the G-Thrust was going to launch members of the G-Force into someone's rectum.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at October 22, 2009 1:49 PM

Save yourself some money- make your own G Thrust out of 2 lengths of bungie cord and a 2x4. **Light Bulb** why not just market some tube socks with some bubberized texturing on the bottoms for traction on those slippery sheets, and call it "cock socks 2000" or "action traction" or somesuch. I've just patented it, bitches.

Posted by: logar at October 22, 2009 1:50 PM

What’s your favorite obviously horrible movie you can watch over and over again?

Coyote Ugly. NO, I'M NOT PROUD. And I blame my roommate.

I have so many questions about the G-Thrust. So many questions. Most of which I ask whilst laughing through my tea.

1. There is so little difference in hip angles when using it vs. not...can't the guy or girl just make a natural adjustment? Raise your hips when he fucks you. IT HELPS.

2. What happens when the girl forgets that she's strapped to a cutting board and gets the urge to wrap her legs around his waist? Does the G-Thrust act like a rubberband and whack him on the ass? Because BONUS.

3. I was starting to get pissy when it seemed like the video was completely glossing over doing a girl from behind, when the video obliged me and demonstrated that the G-Thrust can ALSO be used as wooden leverage against her stomach. Is it just me, or does feeling like you're being bent over a church pew not sound like the most comfortable way to achieve G-funsies? If I wanted to get off AND be sacrilicious, I would turn on the television channel that airs live Catholic masses. Nothing like combining face down, ass up while listening to the Apostles' Creed.

Posted by: Julie at October 22, 2009 1:55 PM

what’s your favorite obviously horrible movie you can watch over and over again?

Independence Day. And I'm not ashamed.

Oh, man, my in-laws loooooooove that Kashi shit, and they keep trying to make us eat it when we visit. I tried their cereal once but damn it was like eating bits of chopped up cardboard soaked in water (it was soy milk, *brr*). I don't see how anyone could eat it. It's so nasty.

Posted by: figgy at October 22, 2009 2:02 PM

Whadda they mean "hates 3D too"?

Bitch, don't push your pissy agenda on me and act like you're at the forefront of the rebellion. Just don't go watch it, Mr. Drunk! I just solved your problem!

Christ.

Posted by: Jay at October 22, 2009 2:04 PM

And that Dumbest Movie Families is missing the Bakers from Cheaper by the Dozen. I wanted to smack every single one of them.

Posted by: figgy at October 22, 2009 2:06 PM

If I wanted to get off AND be sacrilicious, I would turn on the television channel that airs live Catholic masses.

Oh, Julie, The Husband and I accidentally banged a gong and got it on while a Catholic mass was playing on the television in my bedroom. The show we were watching was over and the mass began while we were mid-coitus. The best part? This was when we were unmarried and The Husband is Catholic. That could've been in Alanis's Ironic song.

It's like Catholic maaaaaasss
when you're getting your dick wet.
And who would have thought? It figuuuuuures...

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at October 22, 2009 2:09 PM

I can tell you what I WISH Zooey Descanel wouldn't do:
Sing.
WTF with those godawful 'Cotton' ads.
'The touch,
the feel,
of COTTON,
stick an ice-pick in my ear.'

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at October 22, 2009 2:10 PM

Wow, this is getting strangely dirty.

*snort*

Posted by: Jay at October 22, 2009 2:11 PM

"strip stease" with Demi Moore sucks but it's so bad and hilarious

Posted by: carrie at October 22, 2009 2:11 PM

Just a quick note on "Celebreality";

A shout out to Real Chance of Love 2 on VH1.

I watched 5 minutes of this, and lost the will to live. I'm dead serious. I saw it and realized that if this is on television, irreperable damage has been done Western Civilization by the dim fuckwits who produce, market, and perpetrate the crime of broadcasting this shit.

This is the single worst show in the history of television. PERIOD. It is not funny, not not not funny. It isn't even "unintentional comedy" funny, or "akwardly uncomfortable" funny. It hurts just knowing these people are not only out there, but being paid. Repeated viewings of this show will inevitably leave you a gelatinous cube of dumb. Your synapses will explode like fireworks attempting to comprehend the show's purpose. Higher brain functions will simply cease to be of value; you will be unable to stop asking yourself "why?" until your prescribed frontal lobe lobotomy parks you in a bed, drooling and shitting yourself next to Randle Patrick McMurphy.

Lo, my friends, I did not want it all to end this way. I was pulled in, passing beyond the event horizon simply because this goram remote on this goram $2000 TV only works when you tilt your arm at two bisecting 65-degree angles and concentrate hard enough to make your ears bleed. Food has gone paper bland, music to white noise, and my Jameson 18 Year tastes merely like Tullamore Dew.

I need help...it's hard to be motivated to go to work, or eat food...I just can't get it out of my head these mutants have a TV show where women compete for them. I'd rather dry fuck a belt sander than make out with the woman who would willingly play a game of tonsil hockey with these two idiots who are no more than 3 steps up the evolutionary ladder from an autistic mole.

I retire. Excuse my in-eloquence on the hammer blows to the skull I suffered attempting to kill myself.

Posted by: D-Day at October 22, 2009 2:13 PM

The REAL G-Thrust infomercial:

"You're hitting my G-spot perfectly, baby!"
"Oh yeah, you like that?"
*man excitedly slams feet into G-Thrust board for more leverage*
"Stop screaming, lady, I'm trying to finish off your G-spot!"
......
"Hey, where'd the board go? Wait a minute. Where'd your feet go?!?!"

Posted by: Kballs at October 22, 2009 2:22 PM

That G-force thing was pretty amusing, but Really?
Bitch, do a few sit-ups, get some muscle control and deal with it.
And who fucks on a bed that is floating in space? I mean, where do you attach the handcuffs? Get thee a head board (and foot board) bitches.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at October 22, 2009 2:26 PM

"...who fucks on a bed that is floating in space?"

If only we could all have sexual intercourse on a floating bed! And with a loving person for whom we've saved our flower for? How heavenly! How utterly beautiful!

Posted by: Skitz at October 22, 2009 2:54 PM

I'm curious as to how they'll play Zooey's introduction on Bones. I mean, obviously its not her sister on the show, but Brennan is supposed to be all about recognizing facial structures and similarities and stuff. Angela too.

h/t to the boy for the ponderance. (I added it to spell check. Its a word for me.)

Posted by: Kate at October 22, 2009 3:05 PM

Awww, Skitz is a romantic. I had you figured all wrong. I pegged you as the nipple-clamps and gimp mask type.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at October 22, 2009 3:32 PM

D-Day, you have taken the words straight out of my mouth. I cannot even fathom that there are even people on this planet like those two.

I went to a friend of a friends house and the show was playing. It was the first time I had heard of it ever. I watched a whole 20 minutes of it and I was angry, sad, amazed and slightly confused so I asked "Why is it called Real Chance of Love"

"Because that guys name is Real and that guys name is Chance"

Up until that point I was trying to be polite to the friend of the friend. Couldn't do it after that. I stood up, grabbed my drink, snatched the bottle of Bushmills from the counter for good measure, and excused myself from the house. I drank alone on the patio, watching traffic while they finished watching. I still haven't forgiven any of them for exposing me to that shit.

Posted by: ashes at October 22, 2009 3:33 PM

There are a lot of terrible movies I can watch with absolutely no qualms and even a bit of enjoyment. What can I say, I'm a child of the 80s and my weekends were ruled by TBS and TNT.
Dance movies, because I'm that kind of girl and my affections can be bought with snazzy choreography. Ohhh, but a really terrible movie that I still like? Satisfaction, that piece of shit with Justine Bateman and Julia Roberts. NY band goes and plays at the beach for a summer, and Bateman is just caterwauling all over the place and it's a credit to Liam Neeson's acting ability that he can compliment her voice with a straight face.
But I still watch it.

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at October 22, 2009 3:40 PM

I don't even have to watch some stupid ol video.

I can tell you, that there's no machine, harness or leverager-thingy
that can take the place of the edumacated skill of a talented man.

I've only known two that could things correctly.

Posted by: Ms MoMo at October 22, 2009 3:50 PM

Word, Ms Mo Mo,
Word.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at October 22, 2009 4:01 PM

What’s your favorite obviously horrible movie you can watch over and over again?
Mannequin. When I moved out of my parents house, I stole their crappy taped-off-showtime vhs because there was no way in hell I'd be able to live without having the ability to watch that movie any damn time I want. Which is once a year minimum.

Posted by: s. pisaster at October 22, 2009 4:13 PM

Well now, I'm hosed because G-Thrust was my rap name. Originally it was G-Thrust and Dark Horse but the horse went on to bigger things with that tramp Joss Whedon.

Posted by: mrcreosote at October 22, 2009 4:29 PM

Good to know I don't suffer alone Ashes!

I had much, much, much more to say about Real Chance of Love 2 but I think most of the general population has been lucky not to be exposed. On top of that, vague references and hastily put together metaphors can only go so far.

Posted by: D-Day at October 22, 2009 6:08 PM

Yossarian -

Tivo Wishlist

Title Keyword: Bones
Actor: Zooey Deschanel

Autorecord all episodes

Posted by: Three-nineteen at October 22, 2009 6:41 PM

I just realized which bad movies I'll watch: the mu'fuckin' Saw series. I know that they are bad, really really bad, but I can't help myself. I have Saw 2 on right now.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at October 22, 2009 7:09 PM

Any movie about a (preferable oversized) deadly animal threatening a sleepy, unsuspecting community and/or a small band of adventurers is okay by me. Jaws? Lake Placid? Anaconda? Can't get enough of it.

Posted by: Daniel Hall at October 22, 2009 7:32 PM

The G-Thust confused me. I think it'd only be effective if you like missionary enough to want to make it better . . . that's like buying chocolate sauce for your vanilla ice cream when you could just have chocolate ice cream. And it looks . . . uncomfortable.

"Baby."
"Yeah . . ."
"Baby . . . . I'm gonna fuck your ankles off."
"Oh yeah . . . yeah, yank my ankles . . . yank 'em!"
"Gonna swell up, nice and FAT. You want FAT ANKLES?"
"SOFATBABY! Ohhhhhhh . . . "

Posted by: Lauren at October 22, 2009 9:09 PM

God I love it when I'm going to a list knowing
I will be gassing up the murder tank if a specific selection has been excluded, and it's the first fucking one. Goddamn beautiful.

Hackers - Best bad movie of all time.

Posted by: trippdup at October 22, 2009 9:22 PM

Seastar, I love Mannequin!!! From the cartoon beginning to the dance sequence with all the costumes . . . love. Also, Hollywood.

Now I'm singing "Do you Dream About Me?"

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at October 22, 2009 9:33 PM

Having a bit of trouble with 'Deschanel' are we, Stace? You spelled it like two different ways, neither of them correct.

But what do I care? I don't even like her. Overrated McOverrateration.

Posted by: joyeetargh at October 22, 2009 10:26 PM

DEEP BLUE SEA. MOTHERFUCKERS

Posted by: Chugga at October 22, 2009 10:39 PM

Who cares!!! My boyfriend also agrees with me. He is 10 years older than me, lol. We met online at age-gap club -- http://AgelessOnly.COM/. Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends.

Posted by: Helen at October 23, 2009 12:59 AM

I was going to post something in an attempt to be funny, after all, I DID just come in second in EE, but ...

D-Day, Jesus ...

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at October 23, 2009 1:40 AM

Too many obivious, horrible movies to mention in my library but here's a few:

Halloween III: Season Of The Witch
Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster
Secret Agent 00-Soul
Screaming Skull

I can't add more... I love my reputation as-is.

Posted by: Slap Happy at October 23, 2009 3:47 AM

Is "Big Trouble in Little China" a great bad movie or a bad great movie?

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at October 23, 2009 11:28 AM





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