As much as I hate to say it, I agree that douchebag and its scions are starting to wear thin. And so, it’s time we found a replacement. Suggestions? (BestWeekEver)
Jenny McCarthy says she “cured” her son from autism due to a gluten-free, vegan diet. I’m not saying another word, so you guys have at it. (WIMB)
McCain finally found time in his busy schedule of getting creamed in the 2008 United States Presidential Election to appear on Letterman. (QuizLaw)
Hey! You got porn star in my movie! You got movie in my porn star! And just like that, a winning combination was born… (Celebitchy)
You can believe Colbert has been on for three whole years now? (CC Insider)
Jesus, this is fucking frightening. John McCain’s constituency, people. This is what we’re up against. (Deus Ex Malcontent)
The movie poster for Katherine Heigl’s new movie looks totally sexist, but I’m sure she’ll wait until she collects her big fat paycheck before saying so. (Agent Bedhead)
Madonna classes up one of her concert dates by ripping into Guy Ritchie the same day they announced their divorce. (IDLYITW)
I’m not even shitting you… Sometimes I actually eat these Gerber Graduates thingies. They’re really, really good. Especially the banana ones. (TIB)
Our darling Jeremy does a real time review of the new Fall Out Boy video. I didn’t catch it, but supposedly there’s Spaghetti Cat, to which I say: “Fuck you Pete Wentz. Fuck you right in the ass.” (NotesOnBarNapkins)
Here are ten slutty costumes you should absolutely not let your daughter dress up in for Halloween. Honorable mention: Five-dollar whore. (YBNBY)
The Texas State Fair has figured out how to deep fry soda. I am not making this up. (Serious Eats)
Today’s Pajiba Love Friday Feature, Girl 27, is kind of a downer — but it’s also a really fucked up story which needs to be told. This is one of the biggest scandals in the history of MGM studios, in which an underage dancer was raped and the case was subsequently tossed and buried:
Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.
I agree with you on those Gerber Graduates. A kid I was babysitting the apple ones and I was totally snacking on them as much as my charge was.
I'm sure deep fried coke is delicious, as deep frying nearly anything makes it better. Also, I've had deep fried mars bars, and deep fried oreos. I'm in no position to judge.
Now I'm thinking of deep fried Gerber Graduates. Mmmmmm...
The lead singer has no neck.
Pete Wentz would get his ass kicked by a chick playing guitar, a mime, and personal security.
Their drummer is a big fan of flashing and children.
There's a fourth guy in the band who does something.
Pete Wentz wishes he could be a nun.
And Pete Wentz like to dress up like a high-priced hooker, laugh as he takes the money after giving head, and inevitably end up in a ditch somewhere with choke mark around his neck.
This band is terrible. And I'mpretty sure I'm dead-on-balls (Just like Pete Wentz! Baa-Zing!) with that assessment.
6 words Pete - Real men don't wear eye make-up.
Posted by: PissBoy at October 17, 2008 12:40 PM
Replacements for douchebag:
Nutstrap
Pud whacker
And for those who think they can handle it:
Skankwich with a side of cole-slut
Posted by: MadameUgly at October 17, 2008 12:43 PM
I like Patrick Stump's jacket in that video. I am a bit of a Fall Out Boy apologist based on their earlier material but I also have little to no musical taste.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at October 17, 2008 12:49 PM
Not that I am any expert, but Jenny McCarthy is a moron when she says she cured her son of autism. And maybe her son's pediatrician is as well - because what she has described as symptoms doesn't sound like autism. And how come her kid is the only one cured? While I have no doubt that the onslaught of vaccinations in the early months and years of a baby's life are too much too quickly, I think what happened to her son has nothing to do with autism.
New insult: Blood clot or Partial birth abortion? Although, those may be too harsh to replace the mild douchebag.
Posted by: Cindy at October 17, 2008 12:53 PM
Genny...with that question you are implying that Johnny Depp and Pete Wentz could EVER be lumped into a group together. This is patently false. Johnny Depp is a man, a real man. He wears a bit of eyeliners sure, but it serves a purpose of reducing glare and is not worn to try and fit into some trendy, molded, "what's hot" image. He also doesn't smear it for "effect". You should seriously consider retracting that comment Genny. If you value your life.
About the only time Johnny Depp and Dickhole Wentz could ever be mentioned in the same sentence is when you are rattling off a list of people with brown hair. But the list would have to be alphabetical because the 'suck' from Wentz would bleed into anyone whose last names end in T, U, or W, and X, Y, Z. The contamination zone is quite large with Dickhole. Johnny would be well protected in the D's.
Posted by: PissBoy at October 17, 2008 12:55 PM
The beauty of "douchebag" is that while colorful, it is also a literal term, and thus any replacement should strive for similar etymology.
Fistula
Bidet
Vaginosis
Nugent (Nugent's Criteria is a 1-10 scale for the skankiness of a vagina. No seriously. Like a real medical scale. I'm serious, it's on wikipedia, that means it has to be real, right?)
Priapism
Polyp
Retrograde Ejaculation
LaBeouf
Posted by: stipe42 at October 17, 2008 12:57 PM
P.B, you said real men don't wear eyeliner, I found a real man who wears eyeliner. I'm not gonna argue that Pete Wentz is a skid mark on the boxers of humanity, but his choice of cosmetics has nothing to do with that fact. It's just who he is.
I'd like to nominate "Conrad" as an appropriate substitution for "douche"...
Connozzle
Radwaffle
Conbag
See? Fun all around!
Posted by: Skitz at October 17, 2008 1:00 PM
I heard that you can also deep fry Wine Coolers, with the right oil temperature they STAY cold inside the bottle.
True Story
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 17, 2008 1:00 PM
Anyone else intrigued by PissBoy's knowledge of make-up application? Smudging eyeliner for effect? Is that something all men know how to do?
Posted by: Kolby at October 17, 2008 1:03 PM
I heard that if you deep fry Pete Wentz at just the right oil temperature he tastes just like Johnny Depp.
Posted by: stipe42 at October 17, 2008 1:05 PM
I am pretty sure that the hellspawn being toted around by Ashley Simpson does not belong to Pete Wentz. Is is a known fact that Pete likes his meals with a side of chin nuts.
Mr. Depp can mince(sp?) around in a tutu wearing red lipstick and clogs and I would still do him. And no that doesn't make me gay.
Posted by: Admin11 at October 17, 2008 1:09 PM
Johnny Depp has Method actor reasons for wearing eyeliner, savvy?
I enjoy using the term "sackmunch." It's apropos to so many situations and characters.
Finally, a deep fried Snickers bar is probably the best thing ever. I liken it to manna from heaven.
Posted by: Nicole at October 17, 2008 1:13 PM
The new douchebag term should just be "John Mayer." Simple. Effective. Douchey.
Posted by: agent bedhead at October 17, 2008 1:14 PM
9 out of 10 in Blood Gulch say 'cockbite' is a grand insult.
Posted by: twig at October 17, 2008 1:14 PM
Correction Genny...My quote was Real mean don't wear eye make-up. Now...while eyeliner DOES fall into this category, I was more focusing on the smeary gray/black/eyshadow/amy whinehouse look Pete Wentz likes to sport. Eyeliner by itself, and especially as done by Mr. Depp, is far too precise to be considered a counter arguement here. If for no other reason that i won't allow it. My arguing point. My rules. I just made that up but it makes sense in my head. So ...Nanner! Nanner!
(P.S. I can't believe you countered a Pete Wentz with a Johnny Depp. That's like you bringing in Mike Tyson to fight a crippled snail in the boxing ring. You lose by rule of 'awesomeness-overkill')
Posted by: PissBoy at October 17, 2008 1:17 PM
Wait....so basically Jenny McCathy's son isn't autistic, he just has celiac's disease? I mean, okay, fine, that can fuck you up in a number of ways because it makes it hard for your body to absorb nutrients, but I'm pretty sure that it doesn't look anything like autism.
Posted by: s. pisaster at October 17, 2008 1:24 PM
Oh, shit. I just read that Jenny McCarthy link. I got an MMR shot a few weeks ago. Does this mean I'm going to get Asperger's?
Posted by: Nicole at October 17, 2008 1:24 PM
PissBoy, I could have gone the Scott Weiland route but I doubt most people would have gotten the reference. Scott Weiland, however, does make for a superior argument in that he wears eye make up ALL THE TIME and not just for a role.
s.piaster if he does have full blown celiacs that can seriously affect brain development in children. I saw a case one time where the little boy not only had stunted grown and learning disabilities, but also suffered from seizures before his parents figured out that he was celiacs. I'm guessing that the onset of symptoms coincided with vaccinations more because that tends to be around the age children start to be weaned than because of the vaccinations themselves. I don't doubt that Ms.McCarthy means well and I'm thrilled that she and her son have found a method of treatment that improves both their lives, but she does a disservice to other autistic children and their parents by acting like she has some kind of a magic bullet.
GET?! Don't you mean "Does this mean my Asperger's is going to intensify and make me more of a crazypants?"
Posted by: Julie at October 17, 2008 1:40 PM
I suggest an alternative to "douchebag". How about "rectal prolapse"? It's a real medical term for a rectum that falls out of place (and outside the body).
Posted by: True_Blue at October 17, 2008 1:41 PM
I personally like "dickweed." Thank you Crow and Tom Servo!
Although I did snort tea out my nose when I read "LaBeouf."
Posted by: BWeaves at October 17, 2008 1:48 PM
Rectal Prolapse is something I've got to see to believe. And to laugh uncontrollably at.
Posted by: Kolby at October 17, 2008 1:50 PM
I suggest "taint" as a replacement for "douchebag." Y'know, like, "God, you're such a taint." Has the added benefit of sounding kinda like "skank."
Posted by: Kivrin at October 17, 2008 1:51 PM
So, in Katherine Heigl's new movie poster, the two hearts are supposed to match up?
Posted by: BWeaves at October 17, 2008 1:52 PM
Oh, believe it Kolby, rectal, vaginal, and uretal prolapses are very real indeed. I know because I get to look at pictures of them for my job. They are not funny. They are disgusting. Disturbing. And paranoia inducing. Thanks to the glories of pelvic surgery journals, whenever I have a strange pain in my lady parts region I think my uterus is falling out.
Posted by: Julie at October 17, 2008 1:56 PM
I'm also fond of "heteroclite" which means a person who deviates from the norm.
Posted by: BWeaves at October 17, 2008 1:56 PM
I personally like "dickweed." Thank you Crow and Tom Servo!
BWeaves we all know that no such thing is possible. Rainbow killer has no heart. Anywhere.
Posted by: Admin11 at October 17, 2008 1:57 PM
Nicole (just in case that was a serious comment):
No. the alleged links (not proven, but there are some compelling stories) between MMR and autism have to do with the inclusion of thimerosol in the vaccine and the fact that it would have been introduced via the vaccine to an as yet developing neurosystem in infants. Thimerosol has now been removed from the US vaccines (but not from European ones, presumably because they are less litigious) and one assumes if you have the capacity to engage with Pajibans (unless you frequently masquerade as a McCain-supporting troll), your neurosystem is developed.
Posted by: PaddyDog at October 17, 2008 1:58 PM
Julie is such a thing really possible?
Posted by: Admin11 at October 17, 2008 1:59 PM
Wait! Wait! I forgot my favorite word of all time. It's a real word, too.
GLEET: A thin, morbid discharge of pus from the backside of a female dog with chronic gonorrhea. Also called nasal gleet when it's an inflammation of the nasal passages of a horse, producing a thick discharge.
Get that gleet out of here.
You're full of gleet.
Anyone wanna go for a gleetburger?
Posted by: BWeaves at October 17, 2008 2:01 PM
Kolby:
My sister who has sever Crohn's disease has a recurring prolapsing rectum (and I agree with Julie, it's not a pretty sight), and it's not as if one can say, "oh my rectum has prolapsed, excuse me while I just tuck it right back in."
Even weirder is the fact that my 73-year old mother had a prolapsed uterus a few years ago, causing her a lot of pain. She went in for the recommended surgery (a hysterectomy) and upon coming out of the anesthetic, the surgeon told her "good news, we managed to re-position the uterus: it may prolapse again, but at least you still have your womb". Again, a 73 year old woman. And she needs to hang on to her womb because?????????????
Posted by: PaddyDog at October 17, 2008 2:02 PM
Admin11: Yeah! My mom says it's like having a penis. TMI?
Posted by: BWeaves at October 17, 2008 2:04 PM
BWeaves:
I think we definitively established about 8 months ago that there is no such thing as TMI on Pajiba. Or if there is, Skittums has set the bar so low we would have pretty far to go before reaching it.
Posted by: PaddyDog at October 17, 2008 2:06 PM
I personally like "dickweed." Thank you Crow and Tom Servo!
I first noticed "dickweed" when Chet called Wyatt a dickweed on Weird Science, when he steals the eggs he was making for breakfast.
Chet..was sort of an, asshole.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 17, 2008 2:11 PM
douchebag = showercap
Posted by: thejodester at October 17, 2008 2:12 PM
Paddy, that is NUTS.
And it really does happen Admin. Uterine prolapses are pretty common, especially in the elderly and women who have had a large number of pregnancies. Which creeps me out about that Duggar woman and her 18 kids, every time I see her I can't believe her uterus hasn't descended.
Posted by: Julie at October 17, 2008 2:20 PM
this yeast texas state fair winner. Chicken fried bacon. mmmmmmmmmmm
Posted by: LwoodPDowd at October 17, 2008 2:29 PM
I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
BWeaves, TMI?
Posted by: Admin11 at October 17, 2008 2:29 PM
As I sit in my hotel room during a break from my job (no, I'm not one of those Friday hookers), going through your sick comments about Johnny Depp, pus and anal prolapses (I've seen pictures --- it's like having two fat penises coming out of your ass) I can honestly say this is the high of my day. Also, that I'm in desperate need for a client. I mean, boyfriend.
Julie:
You know that Duggar woman lost her uterus years ago. Now she grows her spawn in pods under a polytunnel and stuffs a pillow under her dress to cover it up.
Posted by: PaddyDog at October 17, 2008 2:36 PM
Julie - I don't think you have to worry until you've had a couple of kids and a few more decades on you. (Things I get to look forward to after menopause: No more periods. No more vestibular migraines. Uterus falls out. This has happened to nearly every woman in my family, I doubt I'll be lucky enough to avoid it. S'okay though, they can put it back with a little ring-thingy. I think it's called a pessary? I guess it's the price we pay for the multiple orgasms.)
Posted by: s. pisaster at October 17, 2008 2:37 PM
Julie, you know me all too well. It runs in the family, dontcha know.
Paddy, I was being facetious, but that is very interesting stuff. I don't know if I buy into the whole vaccination debate, because everyone I know was vaccinated and none of them are autistic. Of course, most of us weren't breast fed either; my mom was too busy smoking with one hand and drinking coffee with the other to nurse. Maybe the surgeon thought your mom wanted to keep her woman for sentimental reasons?
Genny, if there be a soul here who does not know of the existence of Scott Weiland, he or she shall be banned from the premises. So say I. *"Vaseline" plays in the background.*
Posted by: Nicole at October 17, 2008 2:39 PM
Never mind I figured it out. *hangs head while boarding the short bus*
And I have to agree with PaddyDog. You cannot divulge TMI on Pajiba. It is a learning environment. For fuck sakes consider what I learned today.
Posted by: Admin11 at October 17, 2008 2:50 PM
Nicole:
I'm not sure where I come down on it either, but to your point about all of us being given MMR, just like smoking giving someone cancer while other lifelong smokers never get a cough, it's highly possible there is a subset of infants with a predisposition to insult with thimerosol and that extra load was enough to put them over the edge. I stress: a sub-set. I am totally in favour of vaccination, but I'm willing to accept there may be a small group of children who could be at risk.
But enough about sciency stuff. Back to prolapsed lady parts.
Posted by: PaddyDog at October 17, 2008 2:50 PM
*"Vaseline" plays in the background.*
I remember the video premiering in my dorm room, without interruption or comments and on a TV!
Fourteen years ago!!!!
(if they know him now, they won't soon)
Laurie Notaro refers to the fact that "your cookie CAN fall out, I've seen pictures!" in her new book.
CHRIST! the question is "What is it you do exactly"?
Posted by: dylanj at October 17, 2008 2:55 PM
Kolby
I'm a professional Special Make-Up Effects Artist and learning how to do straight make-up for fashion/beauty/print etc. was one of the first groups of classes I took. Ya gotta be able to make someone look good for real before you can make them look good as a monster. Anyone can slather make-up and goo to make a monster...knowing how to apply and shade makes it sell.
Posted by: PissBoy at October 17, 2008 2:57 PM
Nicole I'm with you, STP was the shit. And I don't care what others may say, I like Velvet Revolver specifically because of Weiland. They are some of the best songs to wail on in Guitar Hero. (I know I'm a fucking geek.)
Posted by: Admin11 at October 17, 2008 3:01 PM
The only thing I can say to this comment thread is..ahem:
No shame, Admin11. I honestly think that Weiland is one of the best rock vocalists ever and certainly the best from the 90's. I saw him live back in August with STP. It was amazing.
PissBoy, your knowledge is impressive. Good make up of any kind is indeed an art.
*Studiously avoiding even thinking about any kind of prolapse. Ever.*
And Julie...you shut your mouth when you're talking to me! See if i ever take you to the Shiseido counter at Nordstrom's again. Good luck not looking like Bozo the Clown without my Pai Mei to your Black Mamba.
Posted by: PissBoy at October 17, 2008 3:34 PM
Is it wrong that I just imagined the Kool Aid man going down on Boo? Make sure when you climax you scream "OH YEAH!!"
Posted by: Julie at October 17, 2008 3:35 PM
Funny, that: I had a sex dream about the Kool-Aid man. But it was five kinds of wrong and I woke up with my hub's face in a death grip.
Oh, that's just FINE. But next time we hang out I'm wearing bright red lipstick, orange eyeshadow, blue eyeliner, and foundation 3 shades too dark. I give you 10 minutes before you gouge out your eyes with your keys.
Posted by: Julie at October 17, 2008 3:40 PM
Deep fried Coke is, unfortunately, a huge disappointment. I had it at the Houston Rodeo last year. What it is is leftover funnel cake dough bits covered in Coke syrup. It's not very good. Imagine eating over-cooked fried dough soaked in flat coke.
Deep fried Twinkies, on the other hand, are manna from heaven.
Posted by: AnnArrogance at October 17, 2008 4:05 PM
BWeaves: GLEET: A thin, morbid discharge of pus from the backside of a female dog with chronic gonorrhea. Also called nasal gleet when it's an inflammation of the nasal passages of a horse, producing a thick discharge.
...gently sets aside pasta with mushroom sauce that suddenly no longer looks anything like lunch.
Posted by: Drake at October 17, 2008 4:06 PM
Paddy, I love me some science learnin'. Prolapsed uteri? Meh. I've seen 'em.
I admit right now to a sense of unease about the Kool-Aid mascot. Say what we will about Dane Cook, but his early Kool-Aid bit is hilarious.
Yes. I said Dane Cook. Who wants a piece of this?
Posted by: Nicole at October 17, 2008 4:46 PM
Personally, I think douchebag is timeless, and I will probably be using it on my deathbed (to curse out the goddamn douche of a bed that's eating me, of course).
Posted by: Sabrina at October 17, 2008 4:58 PM
A female friend of mine coined the term "Twatwaffle," which I think should be chosen to replace "Douchebag."
Posted by: Case at October 17, 2008 5:44 PM
Twatwaffle it is Case. But could you please provide a definition so that I use it in the proper context
Posted by: Admin11 at October 17, 2008 6:54 PM
This reminds me of the story Florence King told about her cousin imagining she was having a uterine prolapse. The poor woman allegedly entertained an entire boardwalk by squatting over a pickle jar to catch her womb when it fell out. Her theory was that the pickle juice would keep her parts preserved so that a doctor could put it back in.
Posted by: Kris at October 17, 2008 8:11 PM
I think I'm definitely team nutstrap or team twatwaffle, although personally I like to call people 'boner'...simple, straightforward, and delightfully childish.
Gleet's good too, but you'd have to stop and explain what it means, and that sort of takes the fun out of it.
You're fucking dead to me. See this pen? see this piece of laminated paper? See my hand writing on the piece of laminated paper?
Yeah, that's me, crossing you off my Freebies List. How dare you. How fucking dare you sink so low. Katherine Heigl? I wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole now.
DEAD. TO. ME.
Posted by: figgy at October 17, 2008 11:00 PM
Then there is the classic, "Cumdumpster."
Posted by: Nicole at October 18, 2008 12:44 AM
LaBeouf
Posted by: stipe42 at October 17
You, sir, have gone TOO FAR! Nobody deserves such a comparison.
Posted by: popejenn at October 18, 2008 1:26 AM
Sweet Jesus motherlovin' Christ on a bicycle! I finally have verifiable, certifiable, archivable (yes, I said archivable), actual written proof that I am not the only person on this planet that enjoys those little teeny jars of assorted pureed scrumptiousness. Banana is, of course, a staple. Apricot is also nice for a little change of pace. And, talk about 'not even shitting you', I swear to His Great Noodliness on high that a world without baby food prunes is not a world I want to live in.
A note of forewarning: If you sit down to eat with, well, pretty much anyone and pull out a lunch consisting entirely of baby food prunes, there's a strong likelihood they will reevaluate any further association with you. Apparently it's weird or some shit. Whatever. I totally don't care that I have no friends. It's not like I sit at home alone every night, sobbing and making tiny cuts on my arm. Wait, what? Stop looking at me.
Posted by: grapewombatjello at October 18, 2008 11:33 AM
By the way, Levi Stubbs, member of the legendary Four Tops and the voice of Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors, passed away yesterday. He was 72.
Posted by: Vermillion at October 18, 2008 11:38 AM
He was a mean, green, momma from outer space. Some of the best voice acting in history.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at October 18, 2008 6:08 PM
I agree with you on those Gerber Graduates. A kid I was babysitting the apple ones and I was totally snacking on them as much as my charge was.
I'm sure deep fried coke is delicious, as deep frying nearly anything makes it better. Also, I've had deep fried mars bars, and deep fried oreos. I'm in no position to judge.
Now I'm thinking of deep fried Gerber Graduates. Mmmmmm...