Because I know you Pajibans are all a bunch of sex-crazed pre-verts… Which Muppet would you totally bang? (cityrag)
The anti-Scientologists threw a big piss party at Katie Holmes Broadway debut. (WIMB)
Remember how Governor Peggy Hill totally thought Tina Fey’s impersonation was so hilarious? Well, she watched it with the sound down. Damn Palin, you are really just a dumb sack of crap, aren’t you? (CC Insider)
And on a related note, oh dear sweet Jesus this is funny. (QuizLaw)
Not only is the portable bar the best invention I’ve ever heard of, but it should totally be the new prize for Eloquent Eloquence. Thanks to the_wakeful! (BoingBoing)
Gary Coleman is charged for trying to run a guy over with his pickup truck. If you ask me, the guy was probably a stupid asshole who deserved it. Team Gary!! (Celebslam)
A bunch of dogs had the misfortune of being pets of Paris Hilton’s and then they may have got eaten by coyotes. I’m pretty sure they must have been serial killers, spiders and child molesters in past lives. (Yeeeah!)
How does one deal with a bible-beater in the workplace? (MixTapeTherapy)
Today is National Talk Like a Pirate Day, just to let you all know. I, on the other hand, will be doing no such thing. And again, another instance where a Besties song would have been appropriate. (YBNBY)
Joe Francis is pretty much on the top of my list of “Celebrities I’d Like to See Die a Horrible Death.” Mini-dirve: Who’s on yours? (Agent Bedhead)
Holy shits! Jimmy Smits accidentally stabbed a guy on the set of “Dexter!” (Celebitchy)
So apparently there is going to be a sixth novel in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series. I haven’t so much, uh, read them… But I did see the movie with Zooey in it! Anyway, fans are decidedly not thrilled. (Yahoo!)
Leave it to some redneck to get her pussy stuck in the toilet. (DListed)
“Progresso Italian Style Panko had a denser, greasy texture and looked like they were once croutons that were crushed by Kim Kardashian’s ass.” OK? (TIB)
Elizabeth Hasselbeck might be leaving “The View” for Fox News. How totally, totally expected of her. (Jezebel)
Today’s Pajiba Love Friday Feature is Run Granny Run. I think it’s about an old lady who runs a marathon, or possibly for public office. I didn’t actually watch it, because I went to the Oley County Fair last night and then spent this morning having diarrhea from whatever the hell it was that I ate. Anyway, enjoy the movie!
Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.
OK, that rolling bar is awesome and I would love to get it as a prize but there's no way I could justify spending nearly $2,000 on it unless it came fully stocked. Damn.
And Joe Francis tops my list too. The man is lower that the lowest bacterium living in the fecal matter of a diseased duck that feeds on rancid pond scum.
Um, "...then one day this little fella showed up and said it was his boat now on on account of your pa ate him up when he was wee and hired me as Captain. So it's really more my boat than yours, if you think about it." There, I talked like a pirate. A Ghost Pirate even.
The link to yesterday's Pajiba Love (-091808)also point to this page. Can that be fixed - I didn't get a chance to read yesterday's
Posted by: Brian at September 19, 2008 12:45 PM
The Count. Definitely the Count. That sexy accent, great clothes; you bet I would want to see whats the highest number he can count to:)
I know its Sesame street, but still Jim Hensen. But from the original muppet show characters, well then, the Swedish Chef. Or the one that went around throwing fish. Smack me with that mackerel!
Posted by: Oleana at September 19, 2008 12:45 PM
Men are so bloody predictable. Even with muppets they go for the threesome first.
Posted by: PaddyDog at September 19, 2008 12:51 PM
Definitely Floyd. I have a thing for bass players, and his voice is so dreamy...um, maybe I've put a little too much thought into this.
Posted by: Three-nineteen at September 19, 2008 12:52 PM
I'm thinking Animal, just to experience the weirdest sexual experience of all my lives.
Posted by: lateformyfuneral at September 19, 2008 12:53 PM
I know, everything got fucked with the Pajiba Loves. It's fixed now, but may take a moment to update. Sorry for the inconvenience, guys!
The Muppet I'd bang is Janet. She has that sexy Chrissy Snow look plus she's in a rock band, so you KNOW she does anal. Also, she's probably got hook-ups for some bitchin Amsterdam grass.
Celebrity who I feel should die a horrible, horrible death? Bono. Self-important smugness on such a grand scale makes me stabby. Remember when that ahole went to the White House and consulted with Bush about the world's poor?
Yeah. Did he expect that it wouldn't come off as a particularly distasteful publicity stunt? Because it kind of did. Anyone recall what came of that? Because I can't seem to think of a damn thing. But thank goodness Bono's making sure the Bush Admin is on the case. Thanks to the combined efforts of Bono and W, poverty will soon be just an unpleasant memory!
...Or maybe Sheryl Crow should die tragically, just for implying that it's my insistence on using more than one square of toilet paper, and not her injudicious use of private jets that's destroying the environment. What a cock.
Posted by: Mella at September 19, 2008 12:56 PM
I'd do Bean the Bunny. I've been hankering for a good defiling, and he looks soft and untouched.
Posted by: Julie at September 19, 2008 12:56 PM
Or, you know, I should just go and fuck Wilford Brimley, because only the elderly use the term "hankering."
Dude.
Posted by: Julie at September 19, 2008 12:58 PM
Posted by: Stacey at September 19, 2008 12:54 PM
Which wouldn't have needed fixing if you were doing YOUR JOB in the first place, Nosek.
This place's gone to hell.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 19, 2008 12:58 PM
Junior Gorg.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 19, 2008 1:03 PM
This place's gone to hell.
Oh yeah, and on that note, I meant to credit Jay for the Hitchhiker's link. Thanks, Jay!
I'm no huge Bono fan but did you see that after that visit, Bush reversed his policy of cutting funding for HIV/AIDS through USAID and let them relax their abstinence only policy. Yeah, he was shamed into it, but the way to get action on big issues is to talk to the people opposing your side and find some way to move forward, not just rail against them and create more hostility. This is a leasson that many NGOs just don't understand and therefore, they get nowhere. Dislike Bono for multiple reasons, but his meeting with Bush was an important move that resulted in a real difference to funding for developing countries from the US.
Posted by: PaddyDog at September 19, 2008 1:09 PM
Is Snuffelupagus a muppet? Technically? 'Cause I look at it this way: He's got the trunk, which I'm sure he could do some funky bidness with (without any of the "No, doctor, I'm not sure how it got stuck on the Hoover" awkwardness). I could ride him home afterwards, which saves me gas money. And if we ever broke up, i could kill him and have an awesome BBQ with the thickest, juiciest Snufflesteaks you've ever laid your eyes on. The only person that would cause trouble? Big Bird. And let me tell you, that sonuvabitch comes sniffing around, I'm gonna have me another BBQ with the biggest goddamed buffalo wings you've ever seen.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 19, 2008 1:10 PM
Remember when that ahole (Bono) went to the White House and consulted with Bush about the world's poor?...Anyone recall what came of that?
Well, maybe PEPFAR. $15 billion over five years from the United States to fight the global HIV/AIDS pandemic. Thanks to PEPFAR and other support to help the world's poor, I have one good thing this administration has done to hold on to while everything else about this country turns to shit. I'm sure PEPFAR wasn't Bono's idea, but if he had any part of helping it come to be, I am eternally grateful.
Posted by: Three-nineteen at September 19, 2008 1:12 PM
Wow, what a bi...
Aaaanyway, I find it hard to find fault with what Bono does, I just wish he weren't such a tool.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 19, 2008 1:16 PM
Thanks, Jay!
Ma'am.
For the record, I like Eoin, and I'm reserving judgment on this book (I lack hardcore cred by really liking the movie too, I guess. Not a cool thing to do).
BUT I'M NOT RESERVING JUDGMENT ON THE UNFLATTERING, UNEXPLAINED LEFT JUSTI--
I am totally with you on the Bono thing. How fucking hypocritical is it to run around on your jet blaming all the worlds governments and rich people for having the money to stop poverty but not giving it up. Then the little shit runs back to his fucking multi-million dollar castles in Ireland with an inflated sense of self worth because he just went and told a bunch of people that they shouldn't have money because other people don't.
I've got some advice for the arrogant prick. Sell all of your houses, planes and toys, live like the rest of the middle class does and give away all your fucking money you smarmy, hypocritical rich bastard. Then you can lay your self righteous gilt trip on the rest of us.
I fucking loathe that prick. I would love to send him to a third world country on a pemanent basis to catch malaria and die. Then the villagers could gather round to see their champions bloated corpse being feasted upon by rabid hyenas.
Also, I totally do the swedish chef. He cooks and gives good Bork!
Posted by: Admin11 at September 19, 2008 1:17 PM
*head is covered by black, drawstring bag*
Posted by: Jay at September 19, 2008 1:17 PM
---------------------------------------------------
Just keep going about your business folks.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 19, 2008 1:20 PM
That's an easy one. I would bang Gonzo. He's fun, sweet, and probably hung.
Who I wouldn't bang? Big Bird. For some reason, I have the feeling that he would cry the entire time.
I have a cousin who looks just like Janice, I swear. All the work she's had done, plus bad aging has ruined her decent face.
Posted by: Brie at September 19, 2008 1:24 PM
Julie, I say hankering kind of a lot, and I'm not quiet elderly (yet). I totally still have all my actual teeth!
However, I usually say it as hankerin'. I'm pretty sure that's even worse, and perhaps means I'm so old that fucking Wilford Brimley would be robbing the cradle.
"Who I wouldn't bang? Big Bird. For some reason, I have the feeling that he would cry the entire time."
Sooo... that's a bad thing?
Crap.
Posted by: I Love Beets at September 19, 2008 1:36 PM
About Sarah Palin- I keep reading her comment about once dressing up as Tina Fey for Halloween. How in the world does someone dress up as Tina Fey? Did she have to keep explaining to everyone who she was supposed to be?
Yes, there's a facial resemblance but it's not like dressing up as Cher or Jimi Hendrix. There is no Tina Fey 'look', is there?
Posted by: slip at September 19, 2008 1:39 PM
Am I the only one who thinks "Talk Like A Pirate Day" basically pops up 6 times a year? It always sneaks up on me.
And, with Che Grovera's new regime on Eloquent Eloquence, I think the "Muppet's I would Fuck" list has just gotten A LOT shorter.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 19, 2008 1:42 PM
Kermit. He is sensitive, smart, funny, and he knows it's not easy being green. He understands me.
Posted by: Lindsey at September 19, 2008 1:42 PM
I sometimes feel like I missed out on some vital part of childhood by having never seen either the Muppets or Sesame Street. I also never saw Mr. Rogers or Fraggle Rock.
I did, however, grow up on Captain Kangaroo, PeeWee's Playhouse, Captain Planet, My Little Ponies, and ThunderCats.
Which may explain some things about me, but I'm not entirely sure what.
Posted by: Tyburn Blossom at September 19, 2008 1:46 PM
Goddamnit, Sarina. Are YOU going to come over here and clean all the delicious wild rose tea out of my keyboard and off of my monitor and desk, hmmmm?
Oh, and the banging? Animal, as long as he doesn't get chompy. Hickeys are soooo seventh grade.
Postscript: I am going to get that bar. I will save my pennies for years if necessary, but by God, I WILL own one of those suckers.
Posted by: Nicole at September 19, 2008 1:55 PM
I second the Gonzo love. I'm always drawn to the
crazies.
Plus with that nose, who would care if he comes a
up a little short in the "sock-and-marbles" dept.
Posted by: Drake at September 19, 2008 2:01 PM
Actually Big Bird is the first documented transgendered muppet. Started out as a sexually confused flamingo named Slender Bill.
True Story
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 19, 2008 2:02 PM
Aaarr me mateys, that hitchhiker thing idea is fer landlubbing scallywags. If'n I could read i'd fer sure think they were the best books on the high seas, not to be watered down with some salty grog...
Ok, I can't do that anymore. In any case, if you haven't read the books, do so. As much as I love Zooey, that movie fucking sucked.
Posted by: the_wakeful_Salty_Dog at September 19, 2008 2:04 PM
MILF (Muppet I'd Like to ...): Wanda, from the musical duo of Wayne and Wanda. Look at the mouth on her - I bet she'd give a great hummer.
Wayne can pass out towels afterward.
Posted by: The Wanderer at September 19, 2008 2:11 PM
Elmo. Anal. Then slit his throat. They'd never find the body.
Posted by: bucdaddy at September 19, 2008 2:25 PM
------------------------------------------------
I like where your head's at.
Do you have a newsletter I can subscribe to?
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 19, 2008 2:27 PM
Elmo. Anal rape. Then I'd slit his throat. They'd never find the body, there in the bucket I use to wash the car.
Tickle ME? Tickle ME?
Posted by: bucdaddy at September 19, 2008 2:30 PM
Arrrrrrr, these things wouldn't happen if you could edit your posts. Scurvy dogs. Hang'em from the yardarm.
Posted by: bucdaddy at September 19, 2008 2:32 PM
Stacey, despite his ultra-femme voice, I always thought Big Bird was a male. Possibly a gay one, but a guy nonetheless. As mentioned, Kermit was sensitive too, but I never got the gay vibe from him.
I second the Animal love. Then a nice orgy w/ the rest of Electric Mayhem (Janice excluded).
Hickeys would be the least of your problems, though.
Posted by: Brie at September 19, 2008 2:33 PM
You guys are so totally sick.
That being said, Sam the Eagle totally needs a blow job or something so he can chill the fuck out.
Posted by: Devo at September 19, 2008 2:37 PM
There you go, bucdaddy. Happy? Now ease up on the post button, ye worthless scallywag.
Posted by: TK at September 19, 2008 2:40 PM
Why exclude Janice, she's a happening chick?
Mr. Late just informed me he would do Big Bird. I smell a marriage counselor and some STD tests in our near future.
Posted by: lateformyfuneral at September 19, 2008 2:44 PM
I'm continuing my geriatric lovin by banging Old Tom, Really Old Tom, and Dead Tom from Muppets Treasure Island. Bonus if Tim Curry joins in.
Posted by: Julie at September 19, 2008 2:47 PM
Is it possible I could bang a hated person and kill a muppet instead? Cause I'll do Bono and have some Miss Piggy bacon for dinner. I'm tired of that bitch hanging all over Kermit. And Bono's totally a one-night stand kind of dude, who has to keep on his sunglasses and his boots while we do it.
Posted by: Cindy at September 19, 2008 2:52 PM
Oh, and I'm taking Diana Rigg from the Great Muppet Caper.
What? It has to be an actual muppet? Hell with that, I ain't no puppet-fucker.
Posted by: TK at September 19, 2008 2:53 PM
See TK, if I'm going with real people I'd go with Jenny from Muppets Take Manhattan. I'd give her the huggies, oh yes indeedy.
Posted by: Julie at September 19, 2008 2:55 PM
Janice may be happening, but lateformyfuneral, she still reminds me of my cousin. I'm ok with bestiality and hot muppet sex, but I draw the line at incest.
And I would add the cute sailor boy from Muppet Treasure Island to my sex queue, since people were mentioned. Now that he's grown, anyways.
Posted by: Brie at September 19, 2008 3:01 PM
True Story: When I was little, I got my pussy stuck in the toilet. MY pussy, not a cat. My mom left me hanging on to the toilet when the phone rang and she forgot about me. About an hour later, she thought the house was a bit quiet, so she came looking for me and saw a couple of skinny arms and legs sticking out of the toilet. I'd fallen in. I'm not sure why I didn't cry out to get her attention, but since we only had one toilet I know someone would find me eventually.
Posted by: BWeaves at September 19, 2008 3:05 PM
I cna't believe no one's mentioned Cookie Monster! Those hands! That mouth!
Posted by: Kolby at September 19, 2008 3:07 PM
Hey! Since it's Talk Like A Pirate Day, and someone mentioned Muppet Treasure Island, I'll vote for banging Tim Curry. He was Long John Silver after all.
Posted by: BWeaves at September 19, 2008 3:09 PM
Yeah, but Kolbs, think of the sounds that Cookie Monster would make during oral. It may be just me, but I'd prefer my Muppet to not shout "NOM NOM NOM!!!" while eating my box of Pecan Sandies.
Posted by: Julie at September 19, 2008 3:13 PM
I've got three Doozers running amok in my bowels... Those are muppets, right? WHOO!
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 19, 2008 3:14 PM
....I'm ok with bestiality and hot muppet sex, but I draw the line at incest.
Posted by: Brie at September 19, 2008 3:01 PM
----------------------------------------
...but incest is a game the whole family can play!
Posted by: lateformyfuneral at September 19, 2008 3:24 PM
That's an easy one. I would bang Gonzo. He's fun, sweet, and probably hung.
Who I wouldn't bang? Big Bird.
Isn't this a bit of a contradiction? *titter titter* Anyway, I'm totally with you on Gonzo. I think he'd be very attentive. Also, I'm sure the Doozers would be interesting, somehow....
Celebrity I'd like to see bite the dust? Well, it's really hard to top Joe Francis, but there are plenty of runners-up. Pretty much any obnoxious reality show contestant (including Ms. Hasselbeck, that self-righteous twit) would be a good start.
Posted by: meaux at September 19, 2008 3:24 PM
I'm ok with bestiality and hot muppet sex, but I draw the line at incest.
Totally nominating Brie for some kind of prize for this one.
Also? Right behind TK on the Diana Rigg line. Jenny's cute and all, but I feel like Dame Diana would be a wildcat in the sack.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 19, 2008 3:26 PM
Diana Rigg will always be Emma Peel to me. I still covet her outfits in the Avengers.
Posted by: Devo at September 19, 2008 3:29 PM
I thought I might ruffle a feather or two with my nomination of death, and that's okay. Bono is many things to many people, but to me he'll always be the asshole that went on American Idol and said, "A man came up to me (in Africa) and said, 'Please, take my son, because if he stays here he will surely die, but if he goes home with you, I know he will have a good life'. Well I didn't take him with me, but I have in other ways."
Now, I can understand that taking one man's dying son sets a nasty precedent for Bono because once you make an exception, everyone's gonna start asking you to save their sick and dying children. Bono's not running an orphanage; I get it. Whether he should have at least helped the boy find a family who could care for him, or perhaps even helped the boy financially is neither here nor there, because that didn't happen and therefore was not part of Bono's heartwarming tale of The Time He Met Someone In Need.
On the other hand, why the fuck did he even tell that story? He reminds me of this girl who, upon hearing that my dad had recently died of a heroin overdose, said, "Oh my gosh, we used to go to this Denny's after church, and there was this bum who would always sit out there and beg for change and we never gave him any because we knew he would just use it for drugs or booze. I used to wonder if he would ever get help or just die."
What the fuck?? What was the point of mentinoing that? So you saw something real one time and later on it made you ponder. That's super. Real happy for you. Meanwhile, it's kind of twatty to take a tragic story about someone else's suffering and make it all about your heart grew three sizes, not that day, but you know, later on, just so that people will understand what a compassionate person you finally became.
Just be compassionate; don't be an ass about it. And take off those stupid sunglasses. You're indoors, and you look retarded.
Posted by: Mella at September 19, 2008 3:39 PM
Jules - but he'd bring dessert! For afterwards! or during!
Posted by: Kolby at September 19, 2008 3:42 PM
Just be compassionate; don't be an ass about it. And take off those stupid sunglasses. You're indoors, and you look retarded.
He doesn't talk about it much but Bono has light sensitivity problems. That's why he closes his eyes a lot when he sings in concert without his sunglasses.
Posted by: Devo at September 19, 2008 3:45 PM
Seriously? What muppet would I fuck? How would that work? Would the puppeteer be operating it? Or would it just be like using a really fancy cumrag?
I think I'd rather just fuck my couch cushions in a drunken stupor. I'll still be humping fabric, but I won't have those empty, soulless ping-pong ball eyes staring at me.
And which celebrity would I like to see die a horrible death? I don't know. It would probably be easier to name which celebrities I wouldn't want to see die. But to play the game, any asshole that makes up lies to influence the public (and is well aware they're doing it) - Limbaugh, Coulter, Glen Beck, the entire Fox News staff...
Posted by: Dave at September 19, 2008 3:51 PM
I just everyone to know that I picked big bird because I figured big bird was the only one big enough. I believe all the others are just to small without hurting them.
Posted by: Mr late at September 19, 2008 3:53 PM
Anybody else want to call bullshit on Palin going as Tina Fey for Halloween? It would be impossible to disprove, so she could completely get away with lying about it.
I also bet that she doesn't know the definition of "fey", but that's another story entirely.
Posted by: samantha t at September 19, 2008 3:55 PM
I miss old SNL, particularly the episode in which they parodied the view and Cheri Oteri was Barbara Walters and she told the Hasselbeck to get back in her cage.
Posted by: Devo at September 19, 2008 3:56 PM
Thank you, Anna. That warmed my cynical heart.
Touche, lateformyfuneral. Touche.
In all seriousness, I had no idea there were so many Gonzo fans. When I was a kid, Big Bird was everyone's favorite. It's nice to see the weirdo getting the attention he deserves.
Devo, I miss old SNL, too. Tracy Morgan was awesome as a pre-surgery Star Jones.
What happened to Cheri Oteri anyway? After Scary Movie and some bit film w/Ricki Lake, she just disappeared.
Posted by: Brie at September 19, 2008 4:02 PM
I don't know but her cheerleader skits with Ferrel were too spot on and hilarious that I'd actually strain to breath.
Posted by: Devo at September 19, 2008 4:04 PM
Breathe* even.
Posted by: Devo at September 19, 2008 4:04 PM
He doesn't talk about it much but Bono has light sensitivity problems. That's why he closes his eyes a lot when he sings in concert without his sunglasses.
Posted by: Devo
Wow. He's so brave.
Posted by: Mulatto at September 19, 2008 4:17 PM
Apologize for the stutter, TK.
These evil fantasies brought to you today by the letter KILL'EM and the number ALL.
Posted by: bucdaddy at September 19, 2008 4:18 PM
Wow. He's so brave.
Meh, just sayin' there's an actual reason for his sunglasses crap. I thought he was being a dick too till I learned about it.
Posted by: Devo at September 19, 2008 4:21 PM
"I had no idea there were so many Gonzo fans"
Must... resist... urge... to make... cheap... porno joke...
Too late.
Posted by: TK at September 19, 2008 4:24 PM
Damn! Sarah Palin with Miss South Carolina's answer made almost as much sense as her original answer.
Please don't encourage "Talk like a pirate" day. It is annoying to hear someone do that stupid accent.
Celebrity death list: Paris Hilton
And that kid tried to flush the cat in the toilet. If the cat had fallen in while drinking water, he would have fallen head-first. He wouldn't have gotten his back legs stuck in the drain.
Posted by: rlr260 at September 19, 2008 4:44 PM
Celebrity I want to do: Beaker. Science is hot, he badly needs a sexual awakening, and I badly want to give it to him. In both senses of the term. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew can watch, because you know he wants to.
Posted by: Sabrina at September 19, 2008 5:45 PM
Honeydew will of course say it's in the interest of science but you know he won't be paying attention to his clipboard at all.
Posted by: Devo at September 19, 2008 5:57 PM
Dang, Gonzo is definitely hung (you gotta assume these Muppets are all growers, not showers) but he's so fucking needy all the time! So insecure. Now, Rowlf, he would play you a nice tune on the piano and then bend you over the bench. Then you could go to Veterinarians' Hospital and play doctor for a while.
Posted by: Cara at September 19, 2008 6:52 PM
Man I am late to the party on this one, but I gotta go with Gonzo as well. He was always my favorite :) Plus he's an alien...which seems slightly less freaky sex-wise than an animal.
Posted by: s. pisaster at September 19, 2008 8:01 PM
"yes, i am a pirate,
two hundred years too late..."
talk like a pirate day was cooler before the PotC movies.
as for the muppet? couldn't i just do pre-death jim henson? imagine the pillow talk!!
Posted by: bionic bunny at September 19, 2008 8:02 PM
Is this a fucking movie/entertainment critique website, or a bitch fest for liberal douche bags, who's ivory-towered professors keep feeding them dung?
Posted by: Chuck at September 19, 2008 9:40 PM
Oh and by the way, I'd fuck your mother with Gonzo's dick.
Posted by: Chuck at September 19, 2008 9:41 PM
That you, Oscar?
Posted by: bucdaddy at September 19, 2008 9:49 PM
Douche bags whose ivory-towered professors keep feeding them dung, jackass.
Fucking movie/entertainment critique website? Damn it! I Googled "Muppet sex"! You mean this isn'ta meetup group for Muppet sex fantasists? Motherfucker. Um...disregard what I said up there about Gonzo and Rowlf. Ahem. Though I have been thinking that perhaps a Gonzo/Rowlf double-team might not be so bad. My liberal douchebag professors would be so proud, had I any.
Posted by: Cara at September 19, 2008 11:48 PM
There, I talked like a pirate. A Ghost Pirate even.
This reminds me of an episode of Greg the Bunny, where Corey Feldman... No Haim... No, it is Feldman. Whoever. Corey is in a police chase and says the line "I can't be caught with puppet porn again!"
If we are including Fraggles in the mix, I'd go for Mokey, the artistic hippie sort of Fraggle. She was sweet! But if I remember the show right, she'd only be about six inches tall, right?
Strictly speaking, I don't think of Fraggles as Muppets. Only those on the Muppet Show are Muppets, even Elmo would be ruled out as a Sesame Street character. If we include Fraggles and Sesame Street puppets, we could go as far as the Gelflings from Dark Crystal... But that would get me into a whole lot of trouble and raise questions that I have no idea how to answer.
And I'd kill Tom Cruise, Tropic Thunder or not!
Posted by: Godsbane at September 20, 2008 10:15 AM
Wait, is Chuck Pookie?
Posted by: Anna "Knife Pile" von Beaverplatz at September 20, 2008 10:44 AM
What celeb would I like to see die a horrible death?
That's an easy one: Andy McDowell. I've always hated her, with her long frizzy hair and her plain jane face, taunting the audience, "I'm sooooooooooooooooooo pretty. Look at how pretty I am. Check out my new role where I play someone pretty."
I'd like to see her get eaten alive by Kirstie Alley in a no-holds-barred cage match.
Posted by: Shane at September 20, 2008 10:52 AM
So after Shane mentioned Kirstie Alley I scrolled to the top of the post and saw the picture of Miss Piggy and the two suddenly clicked together in my mind. Seriously, this isn't a Jenny Craig joke... I honestly believe Miss Piggy is Kirstie Alley in muppet form.
Posted by: Allie at September 20, 2008 11:34 AM
Actually Fraggles are a genetic Muppet off-shoot. Their tendency to go into wild, uncontrolled fits of maniacal puppet laughter and violence were deemed too dangerous. Some believe that, a Fraggle, was responsible for Jim Henson's demise.
Anyway, on November 17, 1996, President Bill Clinton signed executive order 96-0001 and had all fraggles put down.
The story doesn't end there, some fraggles are believed to have fled and joined the L.A. underground were they formed an extremely violent clique associated with the Crips.
True Story
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 20, 2008 11:36 AM
I considered Rowlf, but he seems more like the "tender lover" type than a one night stand. I think it's the piano.
Sabrina, could you handle all those "meep meep" sounds that Beaker makes? I think that's an occasion to pull out the gag.
Posted by: Brie at September 20, 2008 1:01 PM
The story doesn't end there, some fraggles are believed to have fled and joined the L.A. underground were they formed an extremely violent clique associated with the Crips.
Does that make them Frips or Fraps?
Posted by: jM at September 20, 2008 2:03 PM
Frips
*flashes complicated fraggle gang sign*
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 20, 2008 2:06 PM
Good to know. I'll have to remember not to wear my multicolored bandanas the next time I'm in Cali.
Posted by: jM at September 20, 2008 2:10 PM
*Cue me in Phil, make it heavy*
...West coast...west coast!
My heart beat for the Westcoast,
We pull the best weed in the Westcoast,
We low ridin' in the Westcoast,
So im'a die for the mudafukn Westcoast.
My heart beat for the Westcoast,
We pull the best weed in the Westcoast,
Still low ridin' in the Westcoast,
You should take a trip and visit the West coast.
COME TO FRAGGLE ROCK!
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 20, 2008 2:13 PM
[clears throat, whips out trusty voice synthesizer, cues post-apocalyptic Mad Max dream sequence (with a dash of The Warriors thrown in)]
California, knows how to party.
California, knows how to party.
In the citaaay L.A,
In the citaaay of good old watts,
In the citaaay, the city of Compton,
We Fraggle Rockin! We Fraggle Rockin!
[Drops a fresh Fraggle radish for her fallen homie Tupac...]
Posted by: jM at September 20, 2008 2:55 PM
Ahhhh, New Year's Day 1996. I wasn't doing much that day. A very long running joke with a friend of mine has been "not as crazy as my party tonight!"
There's this guy, in my habitual karaoke spot, who's skinny with a blond ponytail, not infrequently wearing tie-dye, along with shorts and flip flops, inhaling Swisher Sweets. This is the man who busts out the West Coast hits. And he's good at it, and they love him for it. It's disgusting. You have to tip your cap to your nemeses though, I don't provoke such reactions.
There was a teacher in high school commonly known as the trash monster, and she did look like the heap.
And thank you, Shane. I can't stand that partially-drawling hair coloring beast either. There's a local sports talk radio guy who almost doesn't have an accent, and somehow it just makes him sound like a dick.
Man Piggy looks hot in that pic.