Pajiba

Are you guys getting sick of these Get Your War On clips yet?

Oh, fuck no! I love these things.

I'm a bit surprised you didn't include the latest about the Palin family...It's not politics; it's gossip!

Hm. Why have I never thought to douche with Lysol? maybe that's why my husband doesn't love me anymore...

Ahh, the Lysol Douche! Come for the searing burn, stay for the septic dyspepsia! Refresh yourself!

And also try Tampax Charcoal Breeze Tampons with Fresh Step Kitty Litter Odor Control!

And also try Tampax Charcoal Breeze Tampons with Fresh Step Kitty Litter Odor Control!

Complete with Sandpaper Freshening Wipes!

And also try Tampax Charcoal Breeze Tampons with Fresh Step Kitty Litter Odor Control!

Complete with Sandpaper Freshening Wipes!

And for those feeling less than fresh, why not try a cleansing douche made from lye and the blood of your firstborn! Why not turn your vagina into a screaming pit of agony? Four out of five women agreed at gunpoint (The last was shot), it truly is the future of vaginal care!

Oh Jerce!

As if I weren't already completely depressed by this election. You know the oxycontin thing now gives her some appeal to a whole new demographic of rural voters with rotting teeth. We are so fucked. And forget Canada: it's sandwiched between Alaska and the lower 48, so easily annexable. Anyone care to join me back in Ireland where I plan to raise free range hens and wake up at 3 am to post comments on Pajiba for about three months before the McCain/Palin regime closes it down? All that Green Card paperwork gone to waste.

I'm having a brainstorm. Pajiba Brand Feminine Hygiene Products.

"Because Vagooters are Icky!"

The term "vagooter" will never cease to make me laugh.

"Vagooter" sounds like a hybrid of Vagina and shooter, so maybe it's for squirters only.

Barbado approves of the Lysol advert, it evokes back to when Ho's KNEW their place.

*remembers fondly*

When your nauseating lady parts are too filthy for mere soap and water, use Lysol.

Lysol. Because he thinks you're a pig.

Lysol. When Draino just won't do.

"Whew! Are we having tuna for dinner?" Use Lysol or smell like a fish market.

Lysol. And why don't you lose some weight while you're at it?

Clean your cunt, bitch. Use Lysol.

Paris Hilton's autobiography? Who in the hell would want to see that? Won't it just contain the following:

- Man Paris
- the worst sex tape ever
- being rich is hard
- that's hot
- how Nikki is the "smrt" one
- the various "feuds" she has been involved in
- the various diseases she has had
- befriending Britney
- her new weave line
- the Nicole Ritchie incident
- "The Simple Life"
- her clothing line

I think I covered it all. Have I forgotten anything?

OK, where's the ad for dick cleaner? You know, a long q-tip-ish type stick to ram inside the penis hole (with some nice, "non-caustic" disinfectant conveniently located in the pre-soaked applicator). What the fuck? Men stink too.

Amen Bob Hebert!

Cindy - you're forgetting about the balls. Those fuckers stink to high wherever it is that Godtopus lives and reigns. I recommend someone invent an electric nut washer, maybe something resembling an eggbeater but with bristles?

Genny (Rusty):

I'm intrigued. Can you elaborate? Since douching was discredited back when I was a teenager, what is it that "we" are doing to our vaginas these days? Foreign objects? Small furry animals? Also, you wax your vagina? Not the surrounding area, the actual vagina? I'm repulsed and yet....

LADIES, ladies... simmer down.

Methinks that the ugly, smelly, reality...the unwashed truth, as it were, is that there are some hygiene issues around this here parts...

Kolby that's brilliant. Maybe we can put together a kind of one-two punch gadget.

Oh, common people. A cooter is a turtle. I have them in my backyard. Their full name is the common cooter, or is that Paris Hilton. I guess I'll have to wait for her documentary to find out for sure.

You know the oxycontin thing now gives her some appeal to a whole new demographic of rural voters with rotting teeth.

Nah. That demographic isn't smart or motivated enough to figure out how to register to vote.

Does anyone ever sit back and wonder what we're currently doing to our vagooters that's going to be absolutely horrifying to people two generations from now?

I already know: labial plastic surgery. There's a fad that can't die fast enough.

I've seen ads touting Lysol as a douche going as far back as the 20s. In those days, disinfection was a fairly new concept to the masses, and "sanitary" was a marketing catchword; you can see it everywhere in ad campaigns from that era.

What surprises me far more is the implication in these ads that women might actually want to have sex. Shudders!

Paddy, I don't see commercials for douches anymore, but those "feminine wipes" that are basically baby wipes are coming into vogue. Also, scented tampons and/or pads, which are the bane of my existence. And as far as foreign objects, are you familiar with the Diva Cup?

And I, personally, don't wax. Although I am aware that some women do go for the...uh, scorched earth option there. For some it is just a bikini line touch up. But the idea of waxing already horrifies me, nevermind on such a delicate area.

Tamatha, I thought your comment above was referencing Genny's comment on waxing and therefore immediately imagined a vagina snorkeling...which is a mental picture from which I will never recover.

Husbands, have you been pushed out of the bedroom again? Relegated to the ugly couch in the den? Is kitty not purring when you're around anymore? Perhaps it's time for the handy-dandy Bat and Ball Funk Buster? In two quick steps you'll be back in baby's arms.

Step One: Unwrap the Defunkifying Wand from its plastic wrapper. Squat (either in the shower or over a toilet), hold the D-Wand in one hand, and your other wand in your other hand. Now gently, but firmly push the plush, non-caustic applicator into your penis-hole, swirling in a circular motion as you go. Pull the applicator out. (Caution: Do this slowly. If the plush end does not come out with the applicator, report to your nearest emergency room immediately.) Wrap the used applicator in its plastic wrap and place in wastebasket.

Step 2: Remove the Ball Bather from the box. Insert two AA batteries into the battery compartment as directed (see Diagram 1). Hold the top of the Ball Bather (see diagram 2) with one hand and lift your testicles up with the other hand. Use the thumb of your first hand to flip the Ball Bather's power switch to the "on" position. Being careful not to allow your pubic hair to interfere with the operation of the Ball Bather (if this happens go to your nearest emergency room), run the moving brushes slowly around your testicles in a circular motion. Repeat until you have cleaned all areas. Using your thumb again, flip the Ball Bather's power switch to the "off" position. Place it back in the box until the next use.

Now you can feel good about yourself again. No more worrying about that offensive odor. The Bat and Ball Funk Buster is guaranteed to get you back in the bedroom.

I'm imagining a vagooter that squirts Mop N' Glo.

Like a Swiffer?

4 out of 5 appealingly dainty Pajiba males use a Lysol Prince Albert to combat intimacy-killing dickcheese.

"4 out of 5 appealingly dainty Pajiba males", "Lysol Prince Albert", "intimacy-killing dickcheese."

And there we have three of the five magical phrases that make my vagooter cry.

I forgot to say, I don't believe in waxing my Swiffer. It's like 1972... in my pants.

Pea, don't you know that if you douche with Coke or Dr.Pepper after unprotected sex, you won't get pregnant?

And all of Pajiba land just found out that I'm from white trash. Pass the Natty Boh.

This is just the most vagina-centric pop culture website. Yay.

As for the 53% of white women? My husband had this groovy idea for the Obama store: Obama towels with the slogan "Don't Panic." I would totally buy one.

I bought a male friend a 'Ball-cleaner' once. It was supposed to be a golfing accessory, but I think it could be repurposed easily enough....

Men stink too.

There is simply no mystery here and no excuse other than just blatantly poor hygiene. It has nothing to do with sticking anything inside anything else. You want to get a gender war going, keep making threats about our exit-only pee-holes.

Step 1: Rub wife's/significant other's Olay liquid soap liberally on frank, beans, buns, and all appurtenant areas.

Step 2: Take detachable handled shower head and spray liberally all around.

Step 3: Repeat until it stops feeling good or the shower runs out of hot water.

That bad boy is ready for its own spot at cotillion at that point.

The spaghetti cat drives?

males use a Lysol Prince Albert to combat intimacy-killing dickcheese

I bought a male friend a 'Ball-cleaner' once. It was supposed to be a golfing accessory, but I think it could be repurposed easily enough....

NO! Just no... I think we have a miscommunication occurring about the proper treatment of the Male organ. Putting things inside it? BAD. Putting the dangly bits into a viscous crushing, tumbling and bristly machine? ALSO BAD.

This has been a public service announcement.

You want to get a gender war going, keep making threats about our exit-only pee-holes.

Oh, but it's all fun and games when we get out the Lysol douche? I don't want any gender war, just fair play.

And continuing my weekly theme of mentioning random, weirdly sexual references, has anyone here read "Even Cowgirls get the Blues?" Isn't there a scene where the cowgirls fight back against the evil douche company CEO who is horrified by the smell of vaginas by dropping their pants? (*Evil ceo is also very gay, which may have been an unfortunate statement of some kind but was hopefully just meant to imply that straight men are generally fine with the smell of vagina)
Also. I am on the west coast now :( I hate it.

But Shay:

My particular corner of Ireland pays only lip service to Catholicism these days.
I am an educated woman who is capable of taking a pill a day just like it says on the box (really, who doesn't know how to do this?)and therefore not likely to be bothered by the abortion ban. And as for looming recession in Ireland, I lived through the 1980s there so it doesn't scare me.
Believe me I have no illusions that it will be a wonderland (I come home several times a year) but it beats having to look at smug Republicans and not murder someone for the next four years.

Can anyone of you republican asswipes tell me why your cunt VP selection is in hiding and refuses to answer any questions?

Licklicklicklick ACKKKKK pllllttt gargle gasp .... Oh my godtoputh, my tug, my tug!

(AvB ignores Julie's warning)

Alabama Pink - that's right...the cowgirls were like, taking it over for women's rights or something? I should probably reread the book :) I haven't read it since highschool, so it's hazy, but I remember it being pretty awesome.

Sorry, bucdaddy... but this is why we set up Tuesdays, remember?