snuggie.jpg
Snuggie Sex?

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | August 28, 2009 | Comments (40)

Because it’s Friday and I know you guys are all full of beans and want to giggle about something totally fun and immature, here is the official Snuggie Sutra. Via YBNBY! (Snuggie Sutra)

Joe Francis, who makes me want to fucking vomit even when he’s not beating up girls, beat up a girl last night. I think a bit of vomit just trickled out of my ear. (Webster’s)

SPOILER DESSERT! Here’s more shit that’s gonna happen on “The Office.” This scene is totally gonna make me bawl, isn’t it? (Warming Glow)

What if Franklin from “Arrested Development” was a murderous, misogynistic puppet from hell? Well, then, you’d have the most offensive movie ever made. Basically, it’s like Pookie in doll form. (Four Four)

Behold, Jennifer Tilly’s rack. For it is a thing of wonder and beauty. (Superior Gossip)

Dan Carlson posted this on facebook yesterday, and I spent a good twenty minutes cackling over it. See? This is what we’re all missing out on by boycotting Wal-Mart like the bunch of liberal hipster snobs we are. Update: Site appears to be dead. DAAAMN YOU, WAL-MART!!!!! (People of Walmart)

This sadly didn’t really happen, but some tabloid is reporting that a monkey attacked Jason Biggs while he was on vacation and tried to “bite his face off.” Hey, at least they win points for awesomeness and creativity. (Film Drunk)

And in other news of tabloids making shit up, the UK’s Sun reported that Megan Fox was in talks to play Catwoman in the next Batman movie. Yeah … We’re glad this one’s not true. (Topless Robot)

HOLY SHIT. Are you guys also reeling about that woman who was rescued after being kept in a backyard for 18 years? (Jezebel)

I don’t watch Lost, (I know, I know) but here is a cool Saul Bass vintage-style poster print based on … Something about the show. I don’t know. Sorry, that wasn’t a very good link caption. And, it’s sold out. But thanks to NJ, anyway! (That and Basket Weaving)

Words like these are exactly why I love Urban Dictionary. (Agent Bedhead)

For anyone who cares about such things, here are promotional pictures of Dakota Fanning and some of the other turds from Twilight: New Moon. (Gordon and the Whale)

I can’t believe I haven’t linked this yet, but a few weeks ago our resident gay pornstar Jeremy Feist started a cooking blog, and it’s kind of totally adorable. Somewhat NSFW. (Pornstar in the Kitchen)

On a final note, I’m going on a much-needed vacation next week, because sitting around in my pajamas blogging all day is hard work, dammit. So Agent Bedhead and Drew Morton are going to take care of you in my leave. Be good to them, because if you don’t you’re getting nothing but links about brain feet and eyeball gouging when I get back. Edited to add: Oh, and Flesh Cheetos too. Can’t forget about them.

Finally, I think this might be the funniest Hilter movie spoof ever. Via Screen Junkies, here is Hitler Hates the Avatar Footage:

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

Meh. The SnuggiepantsSutra is MUCH more interesting. (Somebody was gonna say it ...)

And so is the CommaSutra

(See, there's never a period to mess things up.)

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at August 28, 2009 1:22 PM

"...nothing but links about brain feet and eyeball gouging when I get back."

You forgot Flesh Cheetos. Never forget the Flesh Cheetos.

Posted by: Skitz at August 28, 2009 1:27 PM

Haha... love the video.

Posted by: Royalewithcheese at August 28, 2009 1:31 PM

The Jaycee Dugard kidnapping (and un-kidnapping) is all that's been on the news in my area. An incredible story, really.

Posted by: JapJay at August 28, 2009 1:41 PM

I'm glad to see that Hitler and I are on the same page about Avatar looking like the biggest clusterfuck of all time. To those actually interested in seeing it...what exactly is drawing you in?

Posted by: Abe Froman at August 28, 2009 1:46 PM

Wow. Jennifer Tilly looks really pissed that we're staring at her boobs...

Re: moustaches. A friend had one for a show I was just in. It was a full beard with the chin part shaved off. We realized it didn't have a cool name, so we christened it "the Root Beer Puller", after the Olde Timey apothecary who would make you up a nice root beer float.

And I know Twilight is Total Ass Plasma, but I do still adore Dakota Fanning
(shut up! I do!) and I think this is a great "transition to the grown up world" role for her. (I also worked with Cam Bright years ago (not bragging...) and wow, he got big!)

Posted by: Odnon at August 28, 2009 1:49 PM

I'd just like to say, that the thought of having my face eaten by monkeys TERRIFIES me. Seriously, if there's one thing I learned from 30 Rock, it's that I'm more likely to be mauled to death at the zoo then to get married. Thanks a lot, Jack Donaghey.

And it alarms me that I can cover my funstuff with whipped cream and Stacey refers to it as adorable. What else can I do? "Awwwww, he's fisting Francois Sagat! CUUUUUTE!" Hmmmmm...maybe if I try some of this Comma Sutra stuff...

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at August 28, 2009 1:53 PM

Didn't the Jews already invent Snuggie sex?

Posted by: Snath at August 28, 2009 1:53 PM

Jeremy, I love me a nekkid man in the kitchen.

Just one comment. Please pay more attention to the positioning of the tag when doing an apron shot from the rear. It was a bit distracting, and it wasn't what I wanted to be distracted by.

Posted by: BWeaves at August 28, 2009 2:11 PM

Damn. The Hitler video hauntingly echoes my Avatar concerns.

Is this a Master Storyteller returning from self-exile to utterly revolutionize the art of cinema, with the biggest budget imaginable and the finest minds in film production at his disposal, or are we seeing the first pieces of incandescent aluminum peeling away from Cameron's fuselage as yet another great and imaginative filmmaker begins to burn up in the oxygen-rich atmosphere of unbridled and unquestioned creative freedom?

Posted by: laredo at August 28, 2009 2:11 PM

Sorry ladies but if you all don’t have cans like Ms. Tilly I just hope your cooking skills are top notch.

Posted by: Guess Who! at August 28, 2009 2:34 PM

Oh good Lord! That people of Walmart site is ridiculous. And funny. But also sad as I notice that quite of few of them are from my home state.

Florida sucks sometimes...

Posted by: Trouble at August 28, 2009 2:43 PM

The second worst part about that Joe Francis story (the first being, obviously, that a woman was assaulted) is that it makes me root for Brody Jenner. BRODY JENNER! The dude who has his OWN NAME tattooed up the side of his torso and who leeches his fame off his friends who are actually interesting enough to have their own reality shows because he's about as interesting as wonder bread! After reading the whole incident I kind of like Brody Jenner a lot more and that makes me uncomfortable.

Seriously, how big of a douche do you have to be to make a dude who was best friends with Spencer Flesh Beard Pratt look like a model citizen? Well, you have to be Joe Francis.

Posted by: Rusty (formerly Genny) at August 28, 2009 2:43 PM

This totally made my day. I read Pajiba daily so imagine my delight when I saw this page - I illustrated the Snuggie Sutra and two friends of mine did the captions. This week it made it to Pajiba.

Next week it will become self-aware.

Posted by: fleurdelis at August 28, 2009 2:54 PM

I have never seen freakier people than the ones I saw shopping in Walmart when I lived in Oneonta, New York. Ho-lee shit. They were always dirty--and I mean with like, LAYERS of dirt on them as if they hadn't bathed in months--and their clothes would be covered with crap, and they would always have sickly-looking babies with them, and the wives looked a LOT like the husbands, or maybe that was just the impression I got from their REALLY angry faces. The hair was always matted and sweaty, and they always looked so ANGRY at me. I've never been more self conscious of being dark skinned, let me tell you. I mean, really, I come from a third world country and I'd never been more freaked out by people. They looked murderous and just plain terrifying.

And yeah, I love Wal-Mart. I have no money and I need cheap food. and in college, I was even poorer and more desperate, and living in upstate New York. Life ain't cheap.

Christ, the Twilight vampires look like morons. Eric would kick their asses with both hands tied behind his back. Gah, what sorry excuses for "vampires". I mean, really, they're nothing but Gossip Girl douches who just happen to be immortal and like the taste of blood. they are NOT fucking vampires.

Posted by: figgy at August 28, 2009 2:58 PM

Eric (would kick their asses) with both hands tied behind his back.

I have other ideas for that scenario...

Posted by: Cindy at August 28, 2009 3:03 PM

...Aaaand now I do too. There goes my afternoon.

Posted by: figgy at August 28, 2009 3:06 PM

For a guy who's never killed anybody, as far as we know, Joe Francis really makes a strong argument to be the worst person alive.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at August 28, 2009 3:11 PM

I was going to make some comment about Eric being the hotness, but I was trying to use the word 'ludicris' and I realized I don't know how to spell this word unless I'm referring to the rapper. I'm blushing with embarassment.

Posted by: Marra at August 28, 2009 3:15 PM

Listen Tracer just because the women folk here at pajiba don’t like Mr. Francis, it doesn’t mean you have to hate him also. After all, he's the guy that brings us dvds of the ladies gettin’ it on with each other, and in my book he's an untouchable.

Posted by: Guess Who! at August 28, 2009 3:18 PM

Anyone watch that "Black Devil Doll" tailer??

Oh so hilariously offensive. Me likes.

Posted by: ashes at August 28, 2009 3:42 PM

I can't get the WalMart link to work. I've tried cacheing it on Google, and no luck. Why am I not allowed to see it! RAAAAH!

Posted by: Donut Plains at August 28, 2009 3:55 PM

Yes, Guess Who, because if Joe Francis were to suddenly be unable to make movies the supply of girl on girl pornography would dry up. Obviously. He's the only man brave enough to feature drunk girls clumsily feeling each other up in videos designed for the sexual excitement of men. There is no other place that I or you or anyone could possibly think of where typing in "girl on girl" would net you a wealth of videos of ladies downing fur burgers and bearded clams. If only there were some kind of portal through which people across the world could connect with one another and offer up videos of women flicking each others beans. I suppose, sadly, that that day has not yet arrived and we're stuck in the dark ages of having to seek out the few and far between sources of pornography in grueling treks across frozen tundras to barter for material to abuse ourselves to. Oh! If only there were someone who wasn't a boil on the ass of society who could have the vision to say to themselves "You know what's better than one hot woman who's naked? Two hot women who are naked!" alas, I suppose Joe Francis is an innovator in the field of peddling naked woman flesh the likes of which this world has never seen before and will clearly never see again.

Posted by: Rusty (formerly Genny) at August 28, 2009 3:59 PM

Genny you and I are kindred spirits, we both like girl on girl action. I always sensed that about you. I must admit I’m kinda turned on by your raw passion.

Posted by: Guess Who! at August 28, 2009 4:12 PM

Such throwaway salaciousness today. Disappointing. Don't just clock in.

Posted by: Jay at August 28, 2009 4:27 PM

Is "Black Devil Doll" an update of "Black Devil Doll From Hell?"

Because I've seen that one, at a horror remix and it was . . . I mean the entire audience was shrieking and then laughing and then screaming.

http://fr.facebook.ca/video/video.php?v=1046139280049

NSFW, there are boobies and a snippet of puppet/human lovin.

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at August 28, 2009 5:01 PM

I only heard about the WalMart site yesterday, and when I checked it this morning it was immediately offline. Do you think maybe the WalMart head honchos heard about the place and decided to take a snit fit? It seems really unlikely, even though it was the first thing to pop into my mind.

I second the disgust at having to side with Brody Jenner. You know Francis has to be the scum of the Earth when he's so vile as to make you cheer on that Brotard.

And Tilly. Mmmm, Tilly. How old is she, in her fifties? But age means nothing compared to a rack like that. I would wreck the lady.

Posted by: spideychris at August 28, 2009 5:02 PM

Ummmm Jennifer Tilly looks kind of scary. I'm just saying...What the hell happened to her?

I'm remembering her and Gina Gershon in wonderful lesbian....*Homer Simpson drool*

Posted by: Deistbrawler at August 28, 2009 5:25 PM

black devil doll...


WOOOOOOWWWWW!!

Posted by: VinKong at August 28, 2009 5:31 PM

Goddddamn it, they took the Wal-Mart site down. Some people are just no fun at all.

Posted by: Mick J at August 28, 2009 5:43 PM

Have I mentioned that I have a huge crush on Sarcastic Rusty?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 28, 2009 5:54 PM

Jennifer Tilly is 51! She's done well.

Posted by: Paul D at August 28, 2009 6:55 PM

How did I not know how incredibly cute Jeremy is? I don't even mean ONLY his ass, but his face, the total package? Cuteness!

And the songs on his blog are so infectous, I had to open up a new window to come back to Pajeeeba. I didn't want to stop listening.

I'm the original Snuggiepants. All others are faking.

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at August 28, 2009 7:56 PM

I know that no one cares, really, but... the Volturi from Twilight are supposed to be giant douchebags. They're not cool vampires-- they're assholes who enjoy fucking other vampires' shit up if they don't agree with them.

So WTF is up with that one guy looking like he's trying to summon the forces of darkness through his hands? He's not going to go Super Saiyan on us or anything. Plus I hate Sheen for doing this movie, not least because his character is the one cleolinda refers to as "Dumblevamp."

I should probably not drink and then post on Pajiba with a cat licking my face because no one gives a fuck.

Posted by: That Girl at August 29, 2009 12:13 AM

People of Wal-Mart beta site is still up in all its mulleted gloriousness: beta.peopleofwalmart.com

Posted by: K at August 29, 2009 1:36 PM

I thought New Moon was supposed to have a leeetle bit bigger budget than the last one. So why does the make up on those guys look like it was done by an angry mime? And the wigs!! Oh the wigs...

Posted by: Megan at August 29, 2009 4:37 PM

HAhaha, K, thanks for the new People of Wal-Mart link. I may have nightmares (*shudder* The blonde mullet, eek!), but the laughs are worth it.

I've actually seen the van in the first photo on the page in person (at the Sydney, Nova Scotia Wal-Mart parking lot, no less); it's...er...unique!

Posted by: meaux at August 29, 2009 5:20 PM

Did anyone else catch the part in the "Downfall" parody where Hitler mentions Stalin and the subs mention Lucas. Funny.

Posted by: Mehdi at August 29, 2009 7:04 PM

fleurdelis> Your snuggiesutra made me giggle. Thanks!

There is nothing about Jaycee Dugard's story that isn't incredibly wrong and creepy.

Posted by: ScienceGeek at August 30, 2009 7:23 PM

I saw Black Devil Doll on Sunday so you never have to.

Posted by: David at September 1, 2009 2:21 PM





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