Madonna’s new tour has got more 50-year-old beaver than the large rodent geriatrics home. (Yeeeah!)
Lindsay Lohan’s dad challenged Kevin Federline to a fight. I am not making this up. (WIMB)
Ha ha, this is outstanding. Dear GOP, “Suck it!” Love, TDS. (Deus Ex Malcontent)
Illegal produce sales will not be tolerated. Can we get the Department of Homeland Security on this, please? (QuizLaw)
TK said that I am to blame for this. But Dustin was the one who showed it to me in the first place, so I blame him. (xkcd)
“American Idol” is getting a fourth judge this season… And since I guess it doesn’t make me not want to watch the show any less, uh good job? (Celebitchy)
For anyone who wonders why we’re all a bunch of pissy elitists on this site, look no further than iTunes top movie rentals. (MightyGodKing)
And while I’m on the subject of being a pissy elitist… Please don’t encourage Zack Barf to make another movie. Please! (MixTapeTherapy)
5 out of 5 scientists Pajibans agree, Dane Cook is a douche. (Agent Bedhead)
I know the Stuff White People Like craze wore thin with some of you pretty quickly… But F it. Christian Lander seems like a really nice, down to earth guy and I’m really happy for him and his success. (AV Club)
Remember when Cap’n Crunch did “Oops! All Berries!” cereal? Well that was still not nearly as effing bad of an idea as this garbage. (TIB)
What’s the longest you’ve kept a Netflix movie? I’ve got one at home now that I’ve had for about five months, and I thought that was bad. (Pop Candy)
After the jump: claymation zombies, with compliments to The Wakeful. That is all.
I love love LOVE that zombie thing. But what about the dad? He's totally chainsaw-bait now!
Posted by: Snath at August 25, 2008 3:49 PM
I just...I just don't know what to say. I want to be Chainsaw Maid when I grow up.
Posted by: the bees knees at August 25, 2008 3:54 PM
Let's not mention how long it took me to figure out that girl:cup ratio comic.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at August 25, 2008 4:03 PM
If that doesn't win some sort of Academy Award, I'm moving to Guam. That maid's got some balls... Wait, I mean.. that there's a brave maid. Why would she have balls? That's just ridiculous, right? Am I right?
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 25, 2008 4:10 PM
I love xkd. Almost as much as I hate Madonna's beaver.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 25, 2008 4:12 PM
I love, nay LOVE, "Oops! All Berries"! I buy multiple boxes whenever the fine folks at Quaker deign to bless me with another limited edition.
So you just fuck right off, Ms. Nosek! It's people like you that keep O!AB from becomming a permanent part of the Quaker lineup. Gads!!
Posted by: Mella at August 25, 2008 4:14 PM
I'd just like to say, for the record, that we don't get ANY of the good cereals up here. During a camping trip down in New York, we stopped off to get groceries, and spenta good twenty minutes in the cereal aisle, going bananaramabatshitzania over Trix and Cookie Crisp. Mmmmmmmm...Trix.
I read Stacey's comment without reading the ones above it and thought she was saying "O! Agent Bedhead?" and I got kind of confused.
I should probably get some more sleep.
Posted by: TK at August 25, 2008 4:47 PM
I really don't think it's fair to make fun of Madonna's age. Granted, the woman is old(er) in her profession, but take a look at the Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, The Who. She might not be your particular "cup of tea", but at least she's doing what she loves, and judging by her ticket sales, what other people love as well.
I won't be sticking around for the inevitable insults coming my way...
Posted by: Conrad (last name withheld) at August 25, 2008 4:57 PM
Wait...if it's Honey Bunches of Oats that are now just bunches...what's missing? It's not Bunches and Oats, right?
And Stacey's not posting old information...but Whitney's recycling a column!
For shame, Whitney! You're cute but I don't trust you but I'm sometimes interested in what you're writing about and well...well, this just breaks my heart. I think it was someone here who pointed out that she never has anything negative to say. And it was like "Aha! That's what's weird!" Like when I realized a coworker who made me uneasy never seemed to actually laugh, or the girl character in the "Fear Her" episode of Doctor Who annoyed me because I hadn't realized that I hate the sound of whispering (especially kids. Some kids think they're using "manners in the library" but they're excited about something or arguing so it's just these loud piercing breathless jabs of high frequency. It's not quiet) (and on a somewhat related note: do people who type really loudly have any self-awareness that they are being loud? And it sounds so ANGRY too. Then your mom's phone starts playing "76 Trombones" or "A Lover's Concerto" and....well I spend a lot of my life in a shuddering cringe)
Cripes, I'm almost embarrassed for Madonna. Yeah, she's an icon. Yeah, she'll go down in history. Yeah, she's had some great songs. But holy frick, lady - do your shit with some style as opposed to the "hey I may be fifty, but I'm still controversial and sexy and I can do things the younger women can do" tour.
It's not quite as weird as Marilyn Manson still trying to shock people, but it's uncomfortable just the same...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 25, 2008 5:16 PM
Let's look on the bright side of the iTunes rentals: Stop-Loss made the top 10. Small victories?
What!? "Oops! All Berries!" is the shit. It's like speed wrapped in crack and dipped in Red Bull. Once after one bowl, not only did I teach myself Portuguese, I also reset my grandma's hip and punched a goat. It was the most productive half hour of my life. Yes, it's like eating diabetes and when it gets stuck in your teeth you look like you went down on a rainbow. So what? A grandeza tem um preço(Greatness has a price).
Posted by: Three-nineteen at August 25, 2008 5:48 PM
Keep in mind bionic bunny, that those in attendance paid money to have Madonna perform the way she does. Otherwise, they could have stayed at home and listened to her music.
Posted by: Conrad (last name withheld) at August 25, 2008 6:06 PM
Ugh, grandma Ciccone trying to whore it up at what, 65?
Yuck, old disgusting people need to cover up, I don't know whether to help her reach for Ben Gay or her diabetic testing supplies.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 25, 2008 6:12 PM
If she'd class up her act a little more, I'm gonna guess she'd be a little more accessible to fans of hers that don't wanna see her dry-hump an assless-chapped boy-toy while simultaneously deep throating a microphone. I'm all for her being an older performer, Conrad, but being trying to shock (i.e "Sticky Sweet" tour anyone?), she's making herself a goddamed mockery. There's nothing wrong with flaunting what you've got, but there's no need to force it down everyone's throat. Case in point - I've got a friend who took his son to a Stones' show and he said it was awesome having his son digging the same music he did when he was a kid. I like(d) Madonna's music, but there's no way in hell I'd bring my daughter to go see her writhe around on stage, grinding her hips against bedazzled crucifixes. She's become a pop-culture parody. Leave the slutty whore thing to the Pussycat Trannies, and try to have a little friggin' dignity, lady...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 25, 2008 6:32 PM
I guess you could look at it this way - would she be proud or embarrassed to have her daughter watch one of her shows?
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 25, 2008 6:33 PM
Yes, it's like eating diabetes and when it gets stuck in your teeth you look like you went down on a rainbow. So what?
I am totally stealing attributing this to jM on my stationary for EVERYTHING now! Man, that cracked me up! In my head though, I hear Wilford Brimley saying it. True story.
So, I know it's late, but I couldn't resist pointing out that the Chainsaw Maid has music from TWIN PEAKS, PEOPLE! You see at the end that Angelo Badalamenti was credited with "Audrey's Song". As in, Audrey Horne.
Yeah, I love that song.
Posted by: JMK at August 25, 2008 8:54 PM
I'd like to put in a request here - should, for whatever reason, Godopus fall o the wayside as the official mascot of Pajiba, can we get the Chainsaw Maid to take his/her/its place?
Please don't smite me oh (un)holy Godtopus - your tentacled visage is paramount to my existence. I worship at the ninth tentacle of pain, please understand the Chainsaw Maid is only filler for the absence of your excellence. If you must smote somebody, please smote... uh... um smote Stacey, because... because she thinks your a douche...
[...sorry, Stacey...]
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 25, 2008 9:15 PM
Wow. I shouldn't be typing if I've been drinking. "your a douche"? Really? Man alive, I thought I had a better understanding of the English whatchamafrick...
Stacey - I wanna take a moment to say I'm sorry. should a Godtopus show up at your door, thrash you within an inch of your life with a barbed tentacle and leave you laying at the end of your driveway, nekkid and gasping for breath, I will gladly pay for a thirthy-minute massage at your local masseuse. Did I spell that right? Masseuease? Missuseses? Massuse? HELP A FUCKING BROTHER OUT HERE!
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 25, 2008 9:26 PM
I can't wait for the day when we get "ALL MARSHMALLOW LUCKY CHARMS!" and watch snooty parents who'll buy anything for their kids try and control their sugar-overdosed brats all day long.
Yum yum! You know the day is coming soon.
Posted by: figgylicious at August 25, 2008 9:56 PM
It's masseuse, Skitt, you're good. The masseuse practices the act of massage, which according to wikipedia: treatment and practice of soft tissue manipulation with physical, functional, i.e. mechanical, medical/therapeutic, and in some cases psychological purposes and goals. AKA Best definition ever. I had to share it.
I AM Chainsaw Maid for dinner.
WOAH. HALLOWEEN.
I shouldn't post when I've taken vico-din-dins.
Christ.
Godtopus, smite my humble self with thine barbed tentacles, thrashing to the latest breath, with only the sweet, sweet rush of hydrocodone/acetaminophen 7.5/750 mg to ease me into the longest dark.
I had to look up how to spell acetaminophen. I'm a pharmacy technician.
Sigh.
Goddammit. I'll shut up now, because I'm a fucking tard when I'm smashed.
Smashed, frashed.. didja see what I wrote there? "thirthy-minute massage". What the hell is a "thirthy"? No more Bartle & Jameseses for me after seven bells, sister. Jeses Crhi - OMIGOD I'M SUCKING GOAT BALLS AT THE KEYBOARD!
I am truly ashamed. I am but a douche on theses heres interwebritaries.
On a sidenote my dear Jaci, when a 'Jiban sees a 'Jiban comin' through the rye, is there any chance you wanna set me up with a boatload of morphine? Not for me, of course, but my uh... my friend's brother's cousin... he's got himself some impacted stool and... well listen, just send me a pad of pre-signed pharmacist notes and we'll call it square, m'kay?
Thanks in advance...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 25, 2008 10:26 PM
Am I alone here? Is the thread dead? Am I free to be me?
...anyone...?
Well alright then. I'm going to make a confession - about nine years ago, I was in Texas and we (me & my road trip pals) stopped at a fancy-ass mega-mall thingy (complete with an indoor ice-rink). We were sweating our asses off (no air, 100-plus temp outside), so we decided to kill a couple hours at the joint until the sun went down. Anyhow, we were in some high-end store and I tried on a pair of seven-hundred dollar slacks, sans underwear, just to say I did it. In conclusion, if you or anyone you know bought a pair of seven-hundred dollar slacks in Texas about nine years ago, there's a good chance my naked, sweaty balls were in them there britches. You're welcome...
Posted by: Skittimus Freestylimus at August 25, 2008 10:35 PM
And one time (actually a couple of times), when I was in high school and working at a Pizza Hut delivery joint? Yeah... I hawked a looger in a deep-dish pizza. I knew the guy because he'd called and complained a bunch of times and I was fed up with it. So, in conclusion, if you're initials are C.M., you lived in Boulder, Colorado, you liked pizza, and you were a dick, there's a good chance I spit on your food...
You're welcome...
Posted by: Skitimus Fessupipus at August 25, 2008 10:40 PM
If your name is Conrad, and you happen to be a twat, there's a good possibility I slept with your wife when she was a "dancer".
On the plus side, know that your son is your son. I sold ours on eBay - HEY-OOOOOOO!
I may or may not be joking on this one... Oh, I totally slept with Connie - I'm talking about the selling the kid thing...
Posted by: Skitimus Itstimetocomecleanipus at August 25, 2008 10:45 PM
The ultimate irony of that Dane Cook story is that the research was done by a WSU professor. I went to WSU and that fucking shit bag is treated like a god by all the dumbass frat/sorority types out there. I know girls who crush on him so hard they'd probably take it up the ass from him in front of their own mothers.
Posted by: jbrader at August 25, 2008 11:14 PM
I want to go on the record here - I did all of these things - AS A WHITE PERSON OF COLOR. There. I said it. I have to black out now... I shall enjoy reading this tomorrow...
Posted by: Skittimus Ohidontevencareanymore at August 25, 2008 11:15 PM
"...I shall enjoy reading this tomorrow..."
... AS A COLORFORM OF ... (waitasec) .. as a ... (oops) ... AS A WHITE COLRED PERSOM! IN THE PANTS! HAHAH ahahahaaaa.... ha.
\yeah...
Posted by: Skirm... skimitusp.oh.frick it/ . at August 25, 2008 11:19 PM
...anyone know how to get vomit out of a bearskin rug?
Posted by: skitmyzmAX... at August 25, 2008 11:22 PM
Heh. I fell asleep for a few minutes. Sorry. Wide open mouth, snoring, drooling, all that loveliness.
Skitt, my love, to be properly fucked up I would definitely recommend some immediate-release oxycodone/aceteminophen, with no less then 25 mg of oxycodone, or go with time released 160 mg Oxycontin if you are looking to do nothing but soar up above in the sunny, sunny skies for a minimum of 8 hours...now available in Canada! Buy the subcutaneous injections for immediate results.
I fucked Conrad's mother. In fact, Conrad there's a good chance that I am the reason your crackwhore of a mother left your father- I am just THAT irresistable. Then I left her ass, with a squalling baby and then....
Aw, fuck it. I'm sorry, but every time I see the name Conrad, I picture Romany Malco, and I love him too damn much to fuck his mother and leave her. I will totally shoot you in the leg, though.
That pizza thing made me think of something amazin. I recently read a book about a chick who moves to Alaska or something to become a wildlife marshall after her husband dies. The best part of that novel? The woman takes her husband's ashes, pretends to be a service technician, and dumps them in the deep-fryer at his favorite fast food joint.
Brilliance.
If you're ever in Freeport, IL, Skitt, hit me up. I will hook u up with sum SH!T, man! Actually, no, I'll totally get arrested, but go to the hospital and say that you strained your back. That place hands out Vicodin prescriptions like Pez.
I'd also like to mention that I was listening to "Maniac" during this entire post. I thought it was awesome, so I should share. Damn, I want some ice cream.
Posted by: Jaci at August 25, 2008 11:27 PM
Oh, and I'm pretty sure that Virgin's Tears gets out everything. If you can't get your hands on that, try oxyclean.
Posted by: Jaci at August 25, 2008 11:30 PM
I have nothing against Madonna, but I found that geriatric beaver joke really really funny. I didn't laugh, but I beamed inwardly. I have no idea why.
4th judge on Idol, eh? Meh. I watched this past season (first and last season I'll ever watch) simply because I wanted to fuck the dick off of the guy who ended up winning. I admit it! I HAVE NO SHAME IN THAT! But I do have shame in actually having watched the show, so no more. Next season is a no-go. I'll stick to masturbating to old episodes of Season 7 alone in the comfort and privacy of my own, dark room.
Posted by: monkey_b at August 26, 2008 2:37 AM
I thought you meant the winner of season four, and I was like...Carrie Underwood has a dick? That's a trick.
Posted by: Jaci at August 26, 2008 3:00 AM
But... I also said guy. *raise eyebrow*
It's okay, I don't blame you for failing to register any winners past Carrie Underwood. In fact, I barely registered any of the ones past Kelly Clarkson! Yet somehow, somehow, I got sucked into this season. And now American Idol will forever be synonymous with the name "David Cook" in my mind, and unfortunately, vice versa. *dreamy sigh*
Wow. I really opened up last night, huh? Just goes to show - you shouldn't beer bong Bartles & James on an empty stomach.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 26, 2008 10:42 AM
"ALL MARSHMALLOW LUCKY CHARMS!"
I just had an orgasm. In my pants.
And then Skittimus made me pee myself. Now I smell. At work.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 26, 2008 11:49 AM
Anna von Beaverplatz - at least you don't smell like rotten fruit spritzers and dried vomit. Again, anybody know how to get stomach contents outta a bearskin rug?
It really holds the room together...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 26, 2008 12:09 PM
As long as nobody's floating around here, here's another confession: when I was seventeen, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake ID. My name was Brian McGee. I stayed up listening to Queen. When I was seventeen...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 26, 2008 2:51 PM
I've been absent here all day, but let me just say one thing: If there's one thing that's fiercer than Godtopus... It's ME. It knows it. It's come to terms with it.
And there's a Mennonite-run general store near me that sells the weirdest shit -- and they have huge bags of cereal marshmallows. I'm not making that up.
Oh, those Mennonites... What will they think of next?
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 26, 2008 3:09 PM
huge bags of cereal marshmallows
As in, large bags containing nothing but the marshmallows from a marshmallow-cereal? Little crunchy sugary dehydrated marshmallows? And the super fine colorful marshmallow sugar at the bottom of the bag from the ones that get crushed?
I just had an orgasm. In my pants. Again. this is the best day at work ever.
(Except for the peeing. That was just gross.) How's that rug, Skitts? I use a spray called Nature's Miracle; I've seen it get fistfight-blood out of a white blouse, and it's good for "accidents" too. You can find it at pet stores. Good luck!
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 26, 2008 3:12 PM
"As in, large bags containing nothing but the marshmallows from a marshmallow-cereal? Little crunchy sugary dehydrated marshmallows? And the super fine colorful marshmallow sugar at the bottom of the bag from the ones that get crushed?"
I think just reading that gave me diabetes, hyperglycemia, and possibly a thyroid condition. I'm pretty sure I might have had a mild seizure, as well. Also, most of my teeth fell out.
heh. Yeah, I have a bit of a sweet tooth. Or thirty.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 26, 2008 3:29 PM
Y'know what I'd do with that many marshmallows? I'd compress them all into a giant 'mallow I could keep at my desk and take bites out of when I'm feeling blue...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 26, 2008 3:38 PM
heh. Yeah, I have a bit of a sweet tooth. Or thirty.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 26, 2008 3:29 PM
Or fifty, or sixty, since Sarina's are now available.
What is it with you girls and sugar? This morning Mrs. Grovera was walking around with cupcake frosting on her upper lip -- from the frosting she had licked off of the leftover birthday cupcakes! Don't go trying to tell me I got the only frosting-licker in the whole bunch, either...
Posted by: Che Grovera at August 26, 2008 3:41 PM
Oh, no, Che, I will frequently purchase a jar of cake frosting from the grocery store.
I do not purchase cake mix.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
*Note to self: find Mennonite general store, buy bag of cereal marshmallows, compress into giant marshmallow ball, transport to work. Thanks for the idea, Skittimus!
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 26, 2008 4:06 PM
Oh, no, Che, I will frequently purchase a jar of cake frosting from the grocery store.
*Note to self: find Mennonite general store, buy bag of cereal marshmallows, compress into giant marshmallow ball, transport to work.
AVB, I'm sure you'll use the frosting as cement. Am I right?
You and Mrs. G share the same frosting purchase habits, apparently. Does your family tree perchance have a branch in Central Illinois?
Posted by: Che Grovera at August 26, 2008 4:18 PM
Cement indeed. Naturally. I use it to cement the inside of my stomach! Ha!
Sadly, I do not believe my little family shrub has extended its roots particularly far from the Northern NJ area, though I was never into genealogy. I'd have to ask my sister, or my mom. I think most likely Mrs. G. and I are merely soul sisters. Or, you know, sugar sisters.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 26, 2008 4:26 PM
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I love love LOVE that zombie thing. But what about the dad? He's totally chainsaw-bait now!