Meet the new face of Stampede Light Plus! Since the Google map seemed to indicate a decidedly Northeast bias, I’m guessing most of you are unfamiliar. (WIMB)
Is it ever a bad time for Arnold Schwarzenegger “Pump You Up” joke? Didn’t think so. (QuizLaw)
When I first saw the headline that Ricky Martin had twins, I was like “Wait, isn’t he gay?” Yep, he’s gay! In your face American Family Association! (Yeeeah!)
In more Jessica Simpson news, Jessica is so skilled with the opposite sex I’m surprised she hasn’t been married twenty times by now! (IDLYITW)
The McCaingels are willing to go to great lengths to preserve the sanctity of marriage, even if it means ruining gay weddings one at a time. (atom)
Gwen Stefani may have pooped [sic] out a kid this morning. (The Blemish)
You know what I never get tired of? Weather people making asses on themselves on the local news. There should be a show on TruTV just for that. (BestWeekEver)
More and more salacious reports keep flooding in about John McCain’s long history of zombie involvement. (ZomebieForecast)
The whole entire Willis-Moore-Kutcher clan attended the premiere for Rumer’s new movie, lest you forget for one moment why Rumer Willis is in a movie. (Celebitchy)
Ha! This is like the total redneck version of Subway’s Jared. (SeriousEats)
Since I’m far too callous to have actually made mention of the dude from Dave Matthews Band passing away, here is a nice piece from Dan for you fans out there. (SlowlyGoingBald)
Two Margaret Cho posts two days in a row! This must be your lucky day. (FourFour)
If you thought yesterday’s clip was freaky, this one straight up gave me nightmares, after the jump. (Thanks, Jaci!)
That video? This was merely proof that the zombies have no chance against us because we will build giant robotic attack creatures that can run on ice and not get pushed over and walk over bricks to kill their sorry rotting asses. That video gives me hope for the future.
The bunny/idol video made me lose sleep last night. 'sfucked up.
Posted by: hater from silaom springs at August 21, 2008 3:53 PM
Yeah, BigDog is vaguely like something out of Silent Hill.
Posted by: twig at August 21, 2008 3:55 PM
About the Willis-Moore-Kutcher thing: How close in age are Rumer and Kutcher? Cause I'm thinking it's close enough for the whole situation to be creepy as hell.
P.S. robot dog/spider things are the motherfucking bomb.
Posted by: the_wakeful (in Flag) at August 21, 2008 4:00 PM
I think you mean to say that Gwen maybe poped out a kid, don't you?
Speaking of bad acid trips, that deer-dog-fly-robot thing is really freaking my sh*t out, yo. Like I actually had that weird little queasy feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when something just is. Not. Right.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 21, 2008 4:07 PM
If I were to encounter Big Dog in the woods, I would most certainly wet myself. One of the major lessons of modern science fiction cinema is that robots are bad mambajambas. It won't be long before Big Dog and his ilk totally own our silly fleshly asses.
Was it me or does Big Dog look at certain angles like two people in black unitards shoved to the waist inside the inner workings of a child's motorized vehicle?
If I were to encounter Big Dog in the woods, I would most certainly wet myself.
I wanted to see /that/ footage. If I created something like that I could not help but use it to scare the shit out of unknowing passerby.
Posted by: twig at August 21, 2008 4:13 PM
Also vaguely reminiscent of the Believe video by the Chemical Brothers. (Apologies for ridiculous multi-posts. I never have all my thoughts in the same place at the right time.)
Posted by: twig at August 21, 2008 4:15 PM
Not that I give a goddam rooty-toot about Jessica Simpson or anything regarding anything she ever does ever, but the photo of her in the ad? Sweet cracklin' Christ if that don't make me NOT want to drink one of those beers. Who the hell dresses even remotely like that? And her facial expression? Holy macaroni it looks like she's had chunks of her brain removed! WAY TO GO ADVERTISING PEOPLE! WHOOO! For reals - like there's a hole in the back of her strawberry-flavoured cowboy cap revealing a missing chunk of skull and looking like someone used a potato masher in her goopy-goo. THE ONLY THING THAT LOOKS STAMPEDED IS THE GODDAMED CREATIVE DIRECTOR'S CAREER! If the beer was called "Yeehaw Dipshitter Sideboob Ale", she might have a chance at selling it. Stampede? Not so friggin' much. GRAAAAAAGH (...oof, getting a little tight in the chest there...) Where the hell was I? Oh yeah - GRAAAAAA!
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 21, 2008 4:17 PM
I don't want to come off snarky...Oh, wait, I'm on Pajiba. OK then. And I am painfully aware of how hard it is to find good content for a column, and you do it nearly every single weekday...
...but both yesterday's (awesome) video and today's are quite old. Yesterday's (briliant) video is at least a couple years old; I'm pretty sure I first saw it on Cruel Site of the Day, which has been moribund for some time now. Robot Dog's been around for several months at least.
However, it looks from the comments like both vids are new to the eyes of many in this crowd. It seems you are doing well by Pajiba. Nevertheless, for some reason it surprises me that Pajibans are so...behind the times, Internet-wise.
Posted by: Jerce at August 21, 2008 4:19 PM
I'm not sure what the hell it is, but I really, really, really wanna hump that robot dog.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 21, 2008 4:23 PM
Hey, anybody remember that fluke-y monster from the X-Files? You know, the one that lived in the sewer system and could like come up through the toilet and kill people? Season 2, I think. Yeah, that is EXACTLY what Jessica Simpson looks like in that picture. Dear Lord, what in the hell are those beer guys thinking????
Posted by: Megan at August 21, 2008 4:32 PM
It just scares the ever loving crap out of me that it can balance itself after being kicked. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE GROUND IS, EVIL ROBOSPIDERDOG?
Jerce, my dear, when the air up there gets too thin and you wake up to find yourself lying in a strange position on the ground, I will then inform you that not all people have seen all videos on the internet, no matter how viral they may be. Some of us have these things. I think the hipsters refer to them as lives, but I wouldn't know because mine is limited to internet brain damage and rampant drug use.
I saw this video a while back and it still creeps me out. It has life-like movements despite having no actual life-like features. Cracked did a nice bit about this effect:
Alabamapink--that "people in unitards" illusion is strongest when the dog is slipping on ice. If anything, it makes the whole scene even creepier.
And I believe it's "Gwen popped out a kid". Although "pooped" is fairly accurate, from all accounts.
Posted by: DeadBessie at August 21, 2008 4:42 PM
Why do people always get so pissy when a link or a video has the unmitigated gall to be anything less than brand-spaking-new? Does funny shit get empirically less funny after, like, six weeks or something? Does awesome expire, and does humour have a shelf life? What's the cut-off before it gives you E. coli of the funnybone? Holy crap, if I go back and watch that video from a few years ago where the bride puked on the priest and then fainted just as she was asked to say "I do", does that mean I'll die in seven days?
I mean, sweet Jeeeeeeezus. I can think of a million reasons why every living individual on the planet might not have seen every funny link at the very moment it was discovered by Sir Francis e-Drake. Holy fucking God, what is the fat hairy issue with a clip being a little old?
If people are gonna bag on Stace over trivialities, then it should be about the IMPORTANT ones, like the fact that she poisons her brain with shit like Supernatural, or that she really truly wants a pink goddamn car.
Hey, anybody remember that fluke-y monster from the X-Files?
Eee hee hee!
Dear Lord, what in the hell are those beer guys thinking????
Beer taste good. Blow jobs good. Jessica Simpson's blow job face good. Jessica Simpson's tits good. And big. Big is good. Blow job face and tits sell beer. Make money. Money good.
I may be paraphrasing.
Posted by: Julie at August 21, 2008 4:43 PM
Hee hee. Great minds think alike in The House at Boo Corner!
Even though BigDog is a major BAMF, he's still a scary motherfucker. Robots who can recover after you push it over are scary. Cuz, that's the basic attack, right? "Just kick it and it'll fall over." It don't work here.
I'm of the mind to customize it as an add-on to the Murdertank™ and have it jump out and start beheadin' those dead mofos.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 21, 2008 5:04 PM
I also thought that robot was 2 guys facing each other, but making buzzing noises to pretend to be some sort of giant fly.
Posted by: BWeaves at August 21, 2008 5:19 PM
I also thought that robot was 2 guys facing each other, but making buzzing noises to pretend to be some sort of giant fly.
Posted by: BWeaves at August 21, 2008 5:19 PM
Ditto. The thing that weirded me out was how they edited it so the guys in the unitards had hooves. NOTE: If the hooves are cloven then MurderPooch is kosher!
Posted by: Che Grovera at August 21, 2008 5:23 PM
boo: Some of us have these things. I think the hipsters refer to them as lives...
Sarina: Why do people always get so pissy when a link or a video has the unmitigated gall to be anything less than brand-spaking-new? (And BTW, I take issue with your characterization of "pissy." My comments were the opposite of "pissy." I was very gentle and complimentary.)
Read the comments about the "bucket" link. Then admit I was super-nice. Thank you.
Posted by: Jerce at August 21, 2008 5:39 PM
I believe that BigDog will be incredibly useful for military purposes. That said, I would NOT turn my back on that damned thing. It looks... sinister.
Ricky Martin's out now? Damn, I guess I can stop describing the incredibly flamboyant Puerto Rican Color Guard instructor I had as "like a gay Ricky Martin" and being using "like a much gayer Ricky Martin".
If people are gonna bag on Stace over trivialities, then it should be about the IMPORTANT ones, like the fact that she poisons her brain with shit like Supernatural, or that she really truly wants a pink goddamn car.
Yeah!!!!
Oh, hey wait...
But yes, I think if anything, I think the whole "i has a bucket" debacle should show you how poorly well internet'ed I am for someone who writes the Pajiba Love column. Actually, if it came out on the internet before I started doing PL (May of '07) then it's safe to say I probably haven't seen it.
There's days of stuff in there. I'll e-mail ya to let you know where to send my royalty check! ;D
Posted by: Jerce at August 21, 2008 6:05 PM
"Read the comments about the "bucket" link. Then admit I was super-nice. Thank you."
Yeah, I remember that bullshit, and those bucket-spazzes were dickbags. And no, I will not admit you were super-nice, because first of all I don't follow instructions well, and secondly I don't think being super-nice consists of implying people are shockingly ignorant because they haven't seen robodogzilla.
Also, it makes something even more pissy when it's draped in a mantle of passive-aggressive politesse. I know this is true because I do that all the time, and I'm the biggest bitch of them all.
Please quote what was pissy in my first post, and what was passive in my reply to you.
Posted by: Jerce at August 21, 2008 6:25 PM
Yeah no im with the people totally fucking disturbed by the robot.
Its....its evil
Think about it, you watch Robot Wars and laugh cos you think that Robot mght have a chainsaw for a face but if i push it off its wheels its just gonna lay there and squeak and beep
If it has legs and can compensate for being pushed over?
We're doomed
Posted by: nadine at August 21, 2008 6:26 PM
Jerce, since we've both already attempted twice to make our points, I don't think it's necessary to drag this out further as it's clear we're not likely to reach an understanding. What do you say we just agree to disagree?
Now let's all do shots and touch each other inappropriately.
Dang, Lord Bowler (Julius J.Carry III) died
Tuesday.
Posted by: Drake at August 21, 2008 6:54 PM
Julie, you are right on. And it just once again proves what I already know, yet continue to hope is untrue - men are fucking animals. Retarded ones at that.
Posted by: Megan at August 21, 2008 7:07 PM
Hey Jercey, I didn't think it was particularly mean; just a little, you know, judgy. But NBD, as the kids say.
It is in my nature to argue.
And touch inappropriately.
Posted by: boo at August 21, 2008 7:08 PM
I'm already bent over, even though the fight had nothing to do with me.
Posted by: popejenn at August 21, 2008 8:18 PM
Hey Hey HEY!
It's lager. Therefore I'm not in. Throw all the cheesecake you want at me. Those life-size standees in the grocery and convenience store? (usually around holidays and football season. Year round in the little Mexican stores). Hell, sometimes their outfits aren't even terrible. I'll still get that same mildly queasy headache that white wine also gives me. "Hey, that's nice" and I go find what I came in for. It's got "plus" which supposedly contains vitamins in it? I'll drink my ale and take my generic multivitamin, with maybe some extra B-complex if I'm having several pints. Annette the Polish waitress could offer it to me for free and I'd still have to refuse. Even if Molly Malone or even Molly Parker (the greatest name ever in the history of Jay) said "lie down, I'm gonna pour it into your mouth, sugar" I'd still have to refuse.
You've gotta know your body, people.
Plus, Jessica looks like Fergie Pea wearing a wig here, in a very bad way too. She's also wearing what looks like a giant bandana. The hat is not flattering either. Her Daisy Duke costume would be a better sell (though I didn't care for the shoes at all). See? This isn't even using Jessica Simpson properly. If you want a blonde that people say keeps her mouth open too much, have Scarlett Johansson try to sell me hooch. Maybe one of those Amaretto di Saronno ads from the 80s. Now they were classy.
That's a MUCH better picture, clearly outshining the glum, desultory ad. I still wouldn't drink the beer, but I'd look upon it more favorably. Hell, have Kim Kardashian sell Pepe Lopez or something, maybe with those Calvin Klein jeans. She'd probably look better and I wouldn't be averse to drinking it to begin with.
So, uh, I won't be drinking that stuff.
But when's that Nick and Jessica Variety Hour gonna get a home video release? Did you all see it? It was literally stunning.
Am I the only straight guy who doesn't find Jessica Simpson attractive? Like at all? She looks like a Barbie Doll with a partially melted face. Somebody must have left her out on the dashboard in the JCPenney parking lot.
Posted by: Lucas at August 21, 2008 8:42 PM
'Bama, I'm with you on the guys in leotards thing . . . didn't even connect that it was an effin' ROBOT until they were doing the demo with the cinder blocks.
But I wasn't creeped out until I saw the prototype was property of the department of defense. You DO realize that the zombies plan to use this on us, right?
Posted by: bibliophile at August 21, 2008 11:30 PM
And here I thought that it was only religions that were to be feared...that Robodog is chillingly intelligent. If the zombies ever gained access...*shudder*.
Posted by: popejenn at August 21, 2008 11:39 PM
WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD IS THAT THING
If I saw that walking through the woods I would literally shit myself.
Posted by: Cricket at August 22, 2008 12:04 AM
Zuma Nesta Rock.....I'm completely undone. What in hipster hell is that?
Posted by: Sarah C at August 22, 2008 12:22 AM
re: Stampede Light
I live in Houston, and I still don't know what the fizzuck Stampede Light is.
Well, I suppose now I do.
Errr.. way to go, Stampede Light (Plus!)!
Posted by: slc at August 22, 2008 12:42 AM
Who designed that bloody thing, Cyberdyne Industries?
If I met that in a wood, I would just pray like hell it can't climb trees.
Oh wait - I can't climb trees.... shit.
she poisons her brain with shit like Supernatural
Mmmmmm, Jensen Ackles.....sweet, sweeeeeeet poison........ ;-)
Posted by: Tarn at August 22, 2008 9:58 AM
I was all set to crack wise about Redneck Jared's eerie resemblance to Scott Stapp, and how any beer that Jessica Simpson hocks must be watered down crap that makes O'Douls look and taste like the "hard stuff," but then I got this piece of news:
Sho'Nuff is dead. The True Master is no longer with us.
If you've seen this film, you know how brilliant it is. You know that it's the cheesiest, most hilarious, most brilliant, new wave'inest, kung fu'inest, breakdancin'est piece of 80s wonderfullness ever. You've marvelled at the way the film holds up a mirror to 80s pop music and shows just how wonderfully ludicrous it is. And maybe you noticed that the major roles in the film resembled/represented 80s music icons. You know that Carry's performance steals the whole damned movie. If you haven't seen Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon, all I can do is urge you to treat yourself.
But, looking over his IMDb profile, I was amazed to find that he was more than just one of the greatest villains to ever come out of the 80s. He was one of "those guys" - actors who you'd see in a random episode of something, recognize, and wrack your brains to figure out where you saw him. He was Lord Bowler in The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. He showed up in Hill Street Blues and The Jeffersons and The A-Team and Moonlighting and too many other TV shows and movies to mention. And, while his passing may not be on the level of a Bernie Mac or Isaac Hayes, it is - for me - a sad note. RIP, Mr. Carry. Who's The master? SHO'NUFF!
Posted by: David at August 22, 2008 1:15 PM
YOWZA that robodog is hella creepy, I can just imagine one of those spiderdeer legs kicking me in the pancreas (you know,if TK got ahold of one for his re-animated army). However, I feel like TK might have the right idea in wanting to control the undead...I may ask to join his cause so I can avoid such kicks.
I'm showing this video to all of my hipster friends who haven't seen this yet. I feel like I am oddviously lacking in coolness and internet geek credibility since I haven't been exposed to it yet. If only we could all be savy of whats cool.
ALSO! Currently wearing my MURDERTANK T-shirt!
Posted by: Just Amanda at August 22, 2008 1:23 PM
1.) Shit, we're going to have to endure ads for The Women now? Why not just put a banner for Sex and the City: The Extended Cut on DVD next to it? I hear it comes with free razorblades.
2.) Have you noticed this "Who's on your Blacklist?" ad you have posted on the sides? I thought we were through with this McCarthyist bullsh...oh...it's a list of the most talented African Americans? Oh...now I can't have Tucker Carlson and Ashton Kutcher put out of work. Godtopusdamnit.
3.) A vote for McCain is a vote for the zombies! I've heard that if he wins, he's going to start passing legislation for "meat farms", which are conveniently placed in all the "blue states". I knew politics were brutal, but I really didn't know how bad it was I guess.
Wait, so is it the robotic nature that creeps you out??
I don't get it.
I think that kind of stuff is really cool. I would program that thing to walk like a homeless wino. Now THAT would be fucking scary.
Yeah CHO!