free counter with statistics Pajiba Love 08/20/08 | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Pajiba Love

Ugh. The Olympics just got downgraded from “somewhat annoying” to downright frigging depressing. (wweek)

That slimy piece of shit Joe Francis appeals to our sense of justice. If there were any real justice in this world, Joe Francis would have already died from a rare disease which causes your genitals to melt off. (WIMB)

It is a real tragedy when a woman can’t get “railed by her boyfriend” in the privacy of her own home. Won’t somebody think of the children? Oh, wait — that was the point. (QuizLaw)

OK, so this is why Dustin left me? So he could report Zombie Activity? Come on! If zombies are more of a threat than celebrities, then why do celebrity blogs outnumber zombie blogs by a ratio of 10,000:1? Hmph! (ZombieForecast)

Jennifer Aniston tries the “Tom Cruise” approach to dating. And no, it has nothing to do with the Big Balls All Male Nude Workout DVD. (IDLYITW)

Insert your own “Orange You Glad” joke here. (Popoholic)

If you happened to catch the hilarious Spaghetti Cat clip from “The Soup” from last weekend, the mystery has finally been solved. (DListed)

Fergie used to statutory rape Justin Timberlake. (Celebslam)

I remember watching a video in Jr. High, about the gentrification of Times Square… And by now, pretty much everyone has forgotten that it used to be a hotbed of crime and filth. (FourFour)

Maybe this is shallow, but I don’t think I could get with a dude with four cats. Nope, no way. Total dealbreaker. (MixTapeTherapy)

Burger King’s new “Apple Fries” are neither “Apples” nor “Fries.” No wait, they totally are just apples. I just thought it sounded better that way. (TIB)

What if the Cookie Monster mated with a Cake Monster? (CounterfeitRedHead)

If you’re not already familiar with the brilliant comedic genius already, take a few moments to get to know Karl Pilkington. (YBNBY)

Here are the Top Ten Reasons why Margaret Cho rocks. (GirlNamedBoo)

After the jump, reader Marra submitted this clip which is pretty much the freakiest and most awesome thing I’ve ever seen. And no, I’m still not telling!

Pajiba Love | August 10, 2008 | Comments (38)

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

How many times do I have to tell you, Stacey?
If an older guy rails an underaged girl, it's statutory rape.
If an older girl rails an underaged guy, it's fucking awesome.
So I guess what I'm saying is, Fergie raped that po' boy.

Posted by: insertclevernamehere at August 20, 2008 3:49 PM

I statutory raped a 14 year old once... But I was like, 17. Technicality, motherfuckers!!!

PS: Prisco I left a comment for you on WIMB.

Posted by: Stacey at August 20, 2008 3:58 PM

I couldn't date a dude with 4 cats because he would make me all sneezy.

That clip is creepy--but those kids had it comin'. Greedy little bastards.

Posted by: wsapnin at August 20, 2008 4:07 PM

I love both Joel and the spaghetti cat. I have a slight suspicion it's a lie, but if they wanna run with it--great!

Orange is one of two favorite colors, and Kate doesn't look too skinny.

I approve!

A Cat-Man ain't to be trusted...just like his fucking cats.

I had the same initial thought as Impulsive Buy, thinking it'd be some cross between a McDonald's pie and a Taco Bell churro.

BULLLLLLLLLSHIT.

Posted by: Jay at August 20, 2008 4:07 PM

Wow, pretty amazing video. Guess who's never eating rabbit again though.

Posted by: jbrader at August 20, 2008 4:15 PM

I want jelly now.

Posted by: PissBoy at August 20, 2008 4:20 PM

....


aaaaand THATS why I dont trust children who wear red

Posted by: nadine at August 20, 2008 4:21 PM

Of course the kids had it coming. Seriously, if a little golden jam-eating imp starts turning bugs into jewels, you get the fuck away from that thing!

And for the record? I fucking LOVE the spaghetti cat. Look how cute he is! Awwwwwwwww, he's eating pasta. If a guy had four spaghetti-eating cats, I would SO date him.

(And P.S. to MO, I'm the Jeremy not on a team. Thanks!)

Posted by: Jeremy at August 20, 2008 4:22 PM

That little rabbit movie was WEIRD, but it wasn't strange enough to wipe the image of a nekkid Margaret Cho with a penis out of my brain. Why did I click on that link? Why? Must douche brain now.

Posted by: BWeaves at August 20, 2008 4:22 PM

Zombies...Celebrities...same thing. Both are trying to steal your braaaaains. Celebrities zap them via horrible TV shows (The Hills). At least zombies have the common decency to do it the old-fashioned way (oral extraction from the skull).

Truth be told, both would probably chew their own arm off to get a small child that they could call their own.

Posted by: branded at August 20, 2008 4:23 PM

I really liked Margaret Cho until it seemed she kinda didn't really want to be a comedian anymore. That's fine but...I'll just go elsewhere for my standup.

Let me also give a tangential shoutout to PES animation.

http://www.eatpes.com/

Posted by: Jay at August 20, 2008 4:31 PM

I'm asking for an exception to the "no guy with four cats" rule.

My grandmother was 86 when she died suddenly, and she had three cats. When she died, they had no place to go, so my father, who lived alone and had one cat, took them in.

Then he died.

I'm not even, like, a fan of cats, but those poor things ahve been through enough. My brother and I inherited his house, and there's no way we could just get rid of them. They're so emotionally scarred as it is.

Point is, I would never ever have four cats on purpose, but now that I DO have them, I'm too big of a softie to part with them (and they grow on you like a fungus.)

So, please, can I get a special dispensation?

Posted by: Bucko at August 20, 2008 4:31 PM

Awww... You most certainly are excluded from the rule, and in fact even get extra points for obviously being such a kind-hearted humanitarian.

Posted by: Stacey at August 20, 2008 4:41 PM

Wow, that kid really dove for that muff.

Posted by: jM at August 20, 2008 4:53 PM

I second that comment from Stacey, Bucko... you have a big heart to deal with that many cats. My previous housemate took two cats in when his mother died, and they were added to our already existing two felines.

Needless to say, it makes for an active household.

Posted by: Becky Tri-Tip Goddess at August 20, 2008 5:13 PM

Dear Bucko,

You seem like you're easy prey soft-hearted... perhaps I could interest you in just one more cat? He is not a fatty, although he is quite large, like a Shetland pony. He, uhh... might eat your eyeballs in your sleep. He also likes to chew on flip-flops and leather things (but only the expensive stuff) and he will steal your contact case at least once a month, and you'll find dozens of them, like, inside old shoes in the basement and underneath furniture about a year later. But he's toilet trained! Let me know if you're interested!

Love and Skittles,
Sarina

P.S. DO NOT turn on the blow dryer in his general vicinity. It will NOT end well. Just, you know, fair warning.

Posted by: Sarina at August 20, 2008 5:15 PM

If he can toilet train the other cats without my intervention, then I'm sold.

Posted by: Bucko at August 20, 2008 5:18 PM

FYI: Margaret Cho definitely still does stand-up. A lot. She is on a new tour as we speak.

Posted by: boo at August 20, 2008 5:18 PM

Thanks, Jer!

*sigh* I wish my husband would let me have four cats....then again, it's hard enough to clean up after two....

Posted by: MO(meaux) at August 20, 2008 5:34 PM

Ahem - excuse me:

If you're going to link to an article about Michael Phelps and then post a picture relating to that article, you need to post a picture of a WET AND MOSTLY NAKED MICHAEL PHELPS. Preferably hugging a wet and mostly naked Aaron Piersol.

Thank you. That is all.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at August 20, 2008 5:36 PM

I was told last night that Michael Phelps has helped inspire a new term: "neck downer".

Hey, I'm just passing that along, don't hit me.

Posted by: Jay at August 20, 2008 5:41 PM

Jay, I call him Bagface.

Posted by: jM at August 20, 2008 5:58 PM

So what is the male equivalent of butter face (as in "she's hot but her face is..."). This is an important question that must be answered. Is it neck downer? Bagface? Other ideas?

Posted by: clarity at August 20, 2008 6:15 PM

That was kinda disturbing. Seems like it might have been based on one of those sick old fairy tales I used to not read as a kid.

Posted by: Lucas at August 20, 2008 7:02 PM

SHADOWS OF DAKARON

I have never been so happy and delighted with seeing yet another boring-ass file at my job, just now this evening- 'specially since I'm usually just a sullen, cranky, functioning alcoholic guy on weekday mornings, but much more outgoing when I've brought some alcohol to the late-night workin'.. It just really cheered me up when I least expected it, and wanted to share.

To the chase: The name on this particular case just somehow brought out the 'happy guy' in me, and I feel it would only be fair to thank you at this time, since I've been wanting to tell you other stupid shit for quite a few weeks now regarding your most-illustrious screen name but couldn't quite muster up the courage to let go with another rant without something to back it up:

The guy whose case I'm working up now, his middle name is- I kid you not - 'DAKRON'!!

Yeah, 'DAKRON' without the 'A'!!**

I know, man, I'm laughing too! Without that obvious vowell in the middle, it just totally takes away from the sheer power and instant recognition of the name.. so I think it's safe to assume this disabled, uninformed person did NOT have any idea that you, dear sir, might have a similar title, else it would have been a blasphemy upon his family and future otherwise, and he would have had to pay even more dearly than he already has for hijacking such an excellent screen name. It goes unsaid the person has never read Pajiba.

As for my secret, I truly hold the Shadows of Dakaron title close to my heart:

When I'm surprised or suddenly overwhelmed, my recent responses have been "Great Shadows of Dakaron!"

Upon knowing I have to work late, I venomously hiss to myself, "Holy fuckin' Shadows of Dakaron!"

Whilst working unexpectedly late, I scream out vehemently towards the bastard that made me have to work late ('cause he's gone), "By the Shadows of Dakaron, you will suffer my unholy and tortuous wrath, you hell-intent bastard!!!"

Dude, this shit is carrying over to my home life: "Holy fuckin' Shadows of Dakaron!" when my fave show didn't record on my DVR;

"By the GODDAMN Shadows of Dakaron, you wouldn't catch one of my kids playing on the SHED!!";

to late-night horrors of the past I thought I'd buried forever: "Oh, another fuckin' gangbang by my unseen relatives for me in the Shadows of Dakaron!!" I try not to invoke your name during these horrendous sessions, but high emotions overwhelm me at times, friend.

Soooo... after we all got hit by a bus I was able to conclude my long e-mail goodnight&thanku.

Just thought you should know, oh Great SHADOWS OF DAKARON. I guess the incident that brought this out was my disgust at the very thought of another troller using someone else's screen name, I don't know the details and don't care. just keep watching those bastards, whomever.

Whewww, glad that's off my chest...

Love to All

Posted by: TMax at August 20, 2008 7:16 PM

That was a fantastically weird and awesome video. Thanks!

I wonder how many celebrities ARE zombies?

I know two: Michael Jackson and Elizabeth Taylor. How many more? HOW MANY MORE?!

Posted by: figgylicious at August 20, 2008 7:33 PM

I know this website is known for it's revelry in its own snarkiness and clever ways to insult others, but I love the Olympics. I'm tired of all these jaded cynics who love to dump on an event that still rises above the corporate interests and politics to be a truly compelling drama. I strongly disagree that the Olympics are "somewhat annoying to downright frigging depressing." It's been a long time (about 8 years now) since I felt good about rooting for the USA and goddammit, I am for these games and it's exciting! Cheering for Phelps and watching in awe of the power and graceful of our teams, and hell, I even found me getting excited over BMX racing! Sure there is a certain amount of cheese involved with the coverage of these events, but it is reassuring that an optimistic part of my soul hasn't been corrupted by the decay of pessimism as some contributors at Pajiba have.
So, Pajiba, don't go changing for me. I still want my daily dose of snark, but for god sake leave the Olympics alone! It only happens once every friggin four years!

Posted by: Travis at August 20, 2008 7:52 PM

".... I love the Olympics. I'm tired of all these jaded cynics who love to dump on an event that still rises above the corporate interests and politics..."

-------------------------------------------

I know what you mean, that's why I'm especially pleased that Mr. Phelps decided to forgo the usual Wheaties deal and signed a multimillion dollar contract to promote Kellog's SUGAR Frosted Flakes to promote the health of the millions upon millions of American children that need...mor sugar.

WE ARE TIGERS!! MIGHTY MIGHTY TIGERS!!! Corporate cynicism be...damned. The Olympics ARE GRrrrrEAT!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 20, 2008 8:20 PM

Don't forget Rosetta Stone, Bslim. That just seems like a huge fucking ripoff. $200 for Level One? BULLSHIT.

Posted by: Jaci at August 20, 2008 10:32 PM

Sarina, is he fully toilet trained now? You never finished with the last update about Simon and the toilet.

My house already has 2 large black temperamental felines with yellow eyes. They have yet to forgive me for bringing in a gray kitten almost 2 years ago.

LeRoi Moore died? WTF? I am stunned.

Posted by: Melody at August 20, 2008 11:08 PM

Yes, Melody, he is. Well, for the most part, anyway. I have to get out the litter box if I'm away and have other people taking care of him, because he pretty much hates everyone but me and won't behave himself for anybody else. He's marginally okay with my mother and sister, but everyone else is lucky if he just ignores them. He tends to make an evil nuisance of himself when he gets in a snit. He never bites, but he'll gleefully engage in vandalism and rampant destruction of property.

Posted by: Sarina at August 21, 2008 12:34 AM

BarbadoSlim -

Snark! Snark! Snark!

You mean to tell me that you were concerned with what endorsements Phelps was to receive as he was racing?

Who cares what happens after the Olympics. Being in the moment and enjoying the thrill is what it is all about.

Posted by: Travis at August 21, 2008 1:07 AM

[...]rises above the corporate interests and politics[...]

Really? Hm. I kind of thought it was all about corporate sponsorships and advertising time, and that there are politics there same as everywhere else.

Just me, then? In that case, I guess I'll go back to my usual ignoring it rather than being cynical and snarky about it. Hopefully my soul hasn't been "corrupted by the decay of pessimism" yet. Or, what some of us call "realism".

P.S. It happens every two years now. This year is the summer sports, and in 2010 they'll have the winter events. I wonder if that's so they can sell more advertising time? ... no, that must just be that pesky cynicism again....

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 21, 2008 9:32 AM

"he will steal your contact case at least once a month"
...wait, Sarina...you mean I'm NOT the only one who's had that happen?
Because EVERYONE I mentioned it to just gave me the "uh...okay..." + back away slowly treatment, and I'm starting to get a complex.
In addition to the complex, I also got a large decorative box and started keeping my contacts and jewelry in that, which has prevented any further incidents.

Posted by: Rachel at August 21, 2008 11:06 AM

"...wait, Sarina...you mean I'm NOT the only one who's had that happen?"

Oh hell no, honey. Cats are dirty rotten thieves.

Stuff my cat steals on a regular basis:

- Contacts
- Lip balm
- My phone
- My iPod
- Remote controls
- Flash drives
- SD cards
- Anything shiny he finds in my purse if I forget to zip it shut
- Travel packs of kleenex (holy fucking shit he is OBSESSED with these)
- Hair binders
- Socks

Posted by: Sarina at August 21, 2008 12:48 PM

I just know I'm gonna be sad when the Thursday edition goes up and the cute Japanese ping-ponger is gone from the front page.

Really...the Olympics can't be depressing if she's around.

Posted by: Jay at August 21, 2008 1:33 PM

Depressing? Who the fuck cares about Phelps and crossover fame?! Did no one else watch the Brazil vs. America game? I fucking love Solo and Mitts. Crazy bitches.

Posted by: Jon at August 21, 2008 2:35 PM

That clip is going to give me nightmares for years to come. Those little two-dimensional kids wielding that huge knife and slicing open random animals....yikes.

Posted by: tt_marie at August 21, 2008 2:43 PM