Pajiba

If you're going to use Pedi-Paws, you can't just dive right in like that lady did. My dad got it, and would first turn it on so the dogs could hear the noise while he gave them a treat or affection. Then, after he'd done that several times over a couple days, he would turn it on and hold their paw at the same time while also praising them and a treat would follow immediately afterwards.

I think it was a week before he actually used it, but the dogs tolerate it. They don't like it, but they never liked having their nails clipped either

Lizzie honey, all I can say is, trust NO ONE. Guys will always look WAY better in their profile pics, and their actual penis size will always be 65% of what was stated. And now you know.

And for the record, the best homeless person sign I ever saw was a guy in Toronto a couple years bacl who had a sign that said "Need money for Booze. Hey, if you had to sleep on the street all the time, you'd wanna drink too". I gave him $10.

You say, "Celine Dion is pregnant," but all I hear is "The dragonfly swooped down and inserted his ovipositor into the female."

Guys will always look WAY better in their profile pics, and their actual penis size will always be 65% of what was stated.

It's true, all of mine are faked. But hey, 65% of a roll of dimes is still $1.75.

I've used the Pedi-paw. My dog hates having her nails did but she put up with it. I don't recommend it if you have a large dog though, it took forever. Get a Dremel instead.

Lizzie, stay away from the guy you already met at work, who you see peeking at your profile. And for Godtopus' sake, don't send him an IM the next day at work to break the ice since you've both been "found out".
And do NOT let him borrow a CD and then make him "pay you back" with a motorcycle ride and a romantic dance in the park.
Because then you'll be all smitten with Pissb-I mean, the guy you meet. Yeah, that guy.

In all seriousness, I didn't love the online thing, but it (sort of) worked for me I guess. Some people have great luck with it; I just personally didn't love the method. It felt weird to me.
I wish you the best of luck, and please keep us posted. It's great blog material. ;)

Skip PediPaws and go to WalMart and buy a Dremel Mini-Mite. Dog show people have done this for years. It absolutely works, but there's two tricks to using it to make it a good experience for the dog.

First, make sure your dog is hungry, and then feed them something delicious while you start grinding a toenail. If they're eating, they're happy, and will learn to come running when it's time to do toenails.

Second, if your dog has furry paws, get an old knee hi or stocking and put it over the paws, poking the nails through. This will keep the fur from getting wound around the shaft of the Dremel.

Also, if you buy the Dremel instead of PediPaws? If you do give up on it, at least you still have a worthwhile tool. A MiniMite is not much more expensive and comes with a rechargeable battery.

so is Celine Dion preggers with one of her pepaw husband's is it a boy/is it a girl clone's that they left in the deep freeze from when she wanted to pop out a kid a couple of years ago? cause thats just tacky... at least give the freak boy/girl you already have a NEW little brother/sister... I mean... I don't clean my freezer very often either... but I'm not gonna dust the freezer burn off of the manchowder popsicle in there... cram it up my vay-hole and call it a baby... have sex like a normal human being and be done with it...

You know, I saw that bit with Patrica Heaton on Millionaire the other night and I was so very embarrassed for her. I don't have any feelings for Ms. Heaton one way or the other, so I'm not going to go down that road. But I do have to say that I'm a freakin' engineer so I can hold my own when it comes to math... on paper. I can barely add 2+2 in my head though. And put me in a stressful situation and I can absolutely guarantee that I will lock up if I have to do math in my head.

Really? You're actually squicked out over pigs ears? God, no wonder Chinese restaurants have secret menus. You white people are really fucking sheltered.

To my defense, I do eat scrapple, which probably contains not only an ample amount of pig ear but pig anus and testicles as well. It's just not ... Ear-shaped. Squick, indeed.

And thanks for the tips on the Dremel, guys. I fully plan to look for one next time I'm out!

Whorish Mouth has no idea what she's talking about. The guy at work rules!!

Trust me, Pissboy, it will be a cold day in hell before I date any of the guys I work with.

It all makes sense . . . Celine Dion is Master Mold!

Be warned, Lizzie. Whorish Mouth wound up with Pissboy and that was her example of a positive experience. If that's the best you can hope for, you might want to give lesbianism a shot.

TK, the internet provides their heights as such:

Carrie Fisher - 5'1"
Mark Hamill - 5' 9"
Harrison Ford - 6'1"

I'm betting that the difference between the internet and reality is up to two inches on the part of both men. Carrie Fisher might just be a flat 5'.

Not all of us can be towering pillars of manhood like yourself.

If that's the best you can hope for, you might want to give lesbianism a shot.

Lesbianism also, in my opinion, is always a positive experience. You may want to take pictures though and email them to me Lizzie. The best lesbian advice always comes from guys named PissBoy. I read it right here on the internet. It's "published" right here in the comments section and ergo, true.

I know a woman who uses PediPaws on her own feet, instead of a pumice stone. Apparently, her dog hates the thing, so instead of returning it and getting her money back, she decided to try it on her nasty, scaly feet, and she swears it works for her.

Holy shit andro...way to suck the fun out of it.

I say fuck that Lizzie.

1. Find the hottest piece you can. The good guys tend to have spikey faux-hawks, pink popped collars, white baseball caps, and love making the kissy-douche face at the camera.
2. Lie. About everything. Even your name. make it something unusual like "Cleophis Sneakerpimp Magnadoodle, III"
3. Post a funny pick like picture of a poorly dressed tranny or something cute-funny like a baby panda falling out of a basket of crumpled tissues. And if anyone asks...that's your pet panda named 'Max.' He's cute, but suffers from a violent form of IBS.
4. Invite the dude to the park, and stalk him silently from the bushes. If you don't like what you see you can either run away without consequence or throw rocks at him from the cover of nature. If you do like what you see, be sure to carry a trank-gun and some duct tape so you can make a quiet and struggle-free getaway, booty in tow.
5. When you do meet. Test his mettle. Constantly twitch and flail your arms, randomly screaming somthing about psychotic monkeys with scissors. See if he can handle the random.
6. If things start to get uncomfortable, freak out. Chase him. Why bother with an escape plan when being psychotic would be much more fun, and inevitably, as he flees in terror, you're sure to find a proper exit.
7. Steal his cell phone as soon as he sits down and throw it into your complementary glass of water. If he laughs, then offer him a new phone full of candy. If he is offended grab his wrist as terribly hard as you can, pull him towards you, and tell him you didn't want the government triangulating your position.
8. Smile, relax, and try to have fun.

or...Or....OR...everything you say could be LACED with sexual undertones, with a gut-punch at the end.

Profession? Massager manufacturer

What do I like to do with my free time? Work with my hands.

What's your favorite smell? Hand lotion and astro glide.

Favorite food? Hot Dogs in buns.

Favorite Movie? Threesome, Wild Things, Behind the Green Door, 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up

Favorite Book? Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask, Knocked-up and Milky (technically a periodical)

Favorite way to spend a rainy day? Writhing around in my bed sweaty, and moaning.

Religious preference? Devout Born-Again Christian. God has been the most important thing in my life ever since I had my moment of revalation. I can't wait to share my story and a life full of the Lord's blessings and a happy home full of children and prayer....and anal sex.

Whomever you meet on whatever.com, make sure you set it up in a private place like a dark alley, and fuck him standing up, between the dumpsters. Keep a sharp knife in your hand in case things end badly. Even if you don't get married it will make for good memories.

Oh...and Favorite Song - Backdoor Man by The Doors.

Is that $1.75 Canadian or Amurrrican? Inflation makes conversions so hard.

Whichever is bigger.

Lizzie, do as we Canadians do. Ask him to meet you at the annual Moose Knuckle and Rendered Reindeer Fat Wrestle-A-Thon and challange him to a match. Be sure to use every weapon you can, from the hockey stick to the beaver tails, but be sure to do it in a sly, teasing way. Perhaps a playful slap on the antler with a snow shoe or a sensual prod with the harpoon. Then, when you're both tired from your flirty death-play and laying on the floor covered in grease and maple syrup, ask him if he would like to get something to eat from Canada's most sucessful restaurant: Nanook's Deep Fried Poutine and Yellow Snow Emporium.

As a matter of being polite, you should ask if he needs to visit the local medical igloo first. They may not be able to heal him but they make an excellent flapjack. I swear to god, this is how the Mrs. and I met. And conceived our first child.

Lizzie Borden, I've done a bit of the internet dating, and I found it to be OK - but I would say be sure you know what you're looking for. I.e. how serious are you about it? I was mostly looking for a few dates and very low-level commitment, and not everyone is.

Also, are you confident in yourself? Online rejection can be quite hurtful. A couple of times, I'd click on people's profiles who I thought seemed only OK, and think, "Hey Caspar, lower your expectations, give this one a go! Sure he's boring and not much to look at, but don't be so proud!", and then get a rejection email.

Anyway, I got a couple of dates out of it, but I think I'm better at dating in the real world - somehow, the part about selling an idea of me online doesn't appeal to me, whereas I've got quite a nice personality which actually does come across in person.

In summary: give it a go, but I think be a bit casual about it and see how it goes. And people who say they have a great sense of humour HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR.

"picking things off myself"

You are one twisted mofo, Tracer.

Oh, fuck.

I never claimed to be an ichthyologist.

This thread is why I come here. I am laughing so hard I'ma get in trouble at work.

That is all.

Ew. That pig ears link is blech. There's no way I would eat that! Everyone knows the way to eat pig ears is boiled in vinegar and pig blood.

Mmm. Just like mama used to make.

Truth be told, it's chewing that bit of cartilage I always had problems with.

Oh, when I saw Butter Flavor Crisco, I read "Butter Flavor Prisco" and thought we should ask that witty GF if such a thing exists!

Witty AND lucky! heeheehee...

Lizzie,
hone your creep-dar to a fine edge. From what I've seen most of the men on dating sites are lying one way or another, and a lot are weirdos.

Oh, and never go unarmed.