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Pajiba Love 08/05/09 | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Fact: Hollywood Will Ruin Your Childhood

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | August 5, 2009 | Comments (28)

Since we’re always bandying about the phrase “ruin my childhood” around these parts, here’s an official list of movies which ruined your childhood. Not in the sense that they went back in time and killed your parents or anything, though. (Spout)

Want a “No Whining Wednesday” post? Laura Ling and Euna Lee have finally been released from a North Korean prison after four and a half months. (Celebitchy)

I think I’m gonna start a rumor that Katherine Heigl is cheating on her husband — just because I fucking feel like it, OK? Plus real news is boring. (Webster’s)

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Modern technology is sort of ruining movies. And to that regard, here’s a six pack of movies inspired by the internet. Gah. (PW)

In “Least Surprising News Ever” news, Stephanie Meyer is being accused of plagiarism by a 15-year-old girl. (Film Drunk)

Stephen Colbert now has an official cocktail named after him (because, of course he does) and it actually sounds kind of delicious. (Serious Eats)

What if movie posters used blurbs from terrible reviews? It kind of makes me want to go see them more, strangely. (Screen Junkies)

No wonder no one ever really got hurt on “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” when their artillery vehicles consisted of pizza throwers. Oh no, please don’t feed me or anything. (Topless Robot)

Here’s an interview with everyone’s favorite character actor cum leading man, Paul Giamatti. (AV Club)

Someone finally investigated how Netflix envelopes get to your house so fast. I always just figured it was magic or something. (Chicago Tribune)

Apparently polymorous relationships are on the rise. That’s polymory, as in, the kind without all that Mormon drama. (Zelda Lily)

Here are some possible ideas for what Ridley Scott’s Alien prequel might turn out to be. (Holy Taco)

I’m pretty sure we did a guide on this back a few years ago, but anyway, here are some other great movie monologues. (mental floss)

Finally, yay!!! “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” is coming back soon and here’s the first promo for it. I heart Charlie:

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

I have some friends that had a polyamorous marriage for years, and they just barely survived it. They're now pretty much just sticking it to each other.

I do know other couples that are continuing to make it work, though. Don't know if I could, but it's an interesting thought.

Posted by: Snath at August 5, 2009 1:15 PM

Oh jesus. The ad I'm seeing on this page? Dianetics.org.

BARF.

Posted by: Snath at August 5, 2009 1:16 PM

I don't think I've ever loved bill Clinton as much as I do right now. Also: Charlie is the shit

Posted by: The_wakeful at August 5, 2009 1:16 PM

People have been in polymorous relationships for years. They just had the decency not to let their spouses know about it.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at August 5, 2009 1:22 PM

Well that will make AvB happy.

Posted by: admin at August 5, 2009 1:23 PM

There was an Archie movie?

Who'd be dumb enough to watch that?

That one's on you, Spout.

Posted by: Jay at August 5, 2009 1:36 PM

That Netflix story? Ridiculous. Karl Marx is rolling over in his grave.

Posted by: buttercup at August 5, 2009 1:39 PM

Really funny... I was just reading about the practice of polyandry in Tibet for an anthro class. the reasoning behind it was pretty interesting, actually. Funny how different cultures have different definitions of "natural". P.S. I dislike their new background. It makes the page difficult to read.

Really? about the Stephenie Meyer thing? So, what you're telling me is, no two authors in the history of the written word have ever had the same basic idea for a book, down to some of the wording being vaguely similar. I mean, look, I think everyone knows how I feel about those books. I'm not defending her if she did plagiarize, because that's wrong. However, the "evidence" presented in that piece is shaky at best.

Heh. Heh heh heh. Hee. Kitten mittens.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 5, 2009 1:44 PM

Paul Giamatti was the only redeemable factor in Shoot 'Em Up whose name wasn't "Clive Owen", "Monica Bellucci (right)", or "Monica Bellucci (left)".

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at August 5, 2009 1:46 PM

Zelda Lily's new background, not Tibet's. I don't know what Tibet's background looks like.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 5, 2009 1:48 PM

Some of them I agree with, (most notably Cat in the Hat.) Some of them I've never seen, (Indy 4.) But you shouldn't let bullshit movies ruin great ones, I've been ignoring Alien 3, Hannibal, and Godfather III for years.

Posted by: George at August 5, 2009 1:50 PM

it's clear "Twilight" books are written by a teenage girl!!! LOL

Posted by: carrie at August 5, 2009 1:51 PM

I agree with AvB about the "evidence." Seriously, the similarities are, "...a number of coincidences in the plotlines of the books, including a wedding, a post-wedding sex scene, a woman becoming sick because she’s carrying a child with “evil powers” and the death of a main character."

Seriously? Has no one else ever used all of those elements, especially all of those elements in that order, before?

All that I saw was that one of them was 15, and the other's a bad writer.

Posted by: Tyburn Blossom at August 5, 2009 1:52 PM

I'm not defending her if she did plagiarize, because that's wrong. However, the "evidence" presented in that piece is shaky at best.

The only solution for Meyer is solidarity with others accused of plagiarism. Therefore, the next Twilight movie's soundtrack should be entirely Coldplay.

Posted by: branded at August 5, 2009 2:01 PM

Re: The Colbert video:

Being the "cocktail historian" for a publication sounds like the best job ever. How do I sign up for that? Boozehound? Any suggestions? Also, Colbert apparently isn't much of a drinker.

Posted by: Macafee at August 5, 2009 2:08 PM

The only solution for Meyer is solidarity with others accused of plagiarism. Therefore, the next Twilight movie's soundtrack should be entirely Coldplay.

The soundtrack liner notes will be written by Kaavya Viswanathan.

Posted by: Snath at August 5, 2009 2:10 PM

What is with that site's hatred of Enchanted? I really cannot comprehend it.

Posted by: Vermillion at August 5, 2009 2:16 PM

It's Always Sunny's premiere is not getting here soon enough.

And LOL/Awwww to the kitty when it falls off the table.

Posted by: JapJay at August 5, 2009 2:45 PM

...so what you're saying is that this girl wrote Rosemary's Baby too and is about to prenatally sue Roman Polanski?

I advise she refrain. Fifteen year old girls tend to fare badly in the company of Roman Polanski.

Posted by: Stacy D at August 5, 2009 3:01 PM

I'm not sure why, but I have never been able to accept the fact that Colbert is a Sunday school teacher. However, this video helps out a little bit.

That's OK, more booze for us. Thanks Stephen!

Posted by: Agent Scully at August 5, 2009 3:07 PM

We need to do the movie posters with Pajiba reviews. Good lord....we could have a treasure trove.

"MICHAEL BAY....HAS A TINY PENIS."

**TRANSFORMERS**

*photo of boobs*

COMING JANUARY 18th

Posted by: figgy at August 5, 2009 3:20 PM

Though wow "IT'S AN OBSCENITY" might be the best three word review of all fucking time.

Posted by: figgy at August 5, 2009 3:23 PM

That monologue list is great, though I would have possibly swapped Damon's monologue in Hunting with Robin Williams'. And, okay, I know I'm gonna get shit for this, but Dustin Hoffman's monologue about death in the middle of Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium is perfectly beautiful. Just watch it. Trust me.

Posted by: Christian H. at August 5, 2009 5:23 PM

We have had polyamory (note the A after the first Y) for a long time, it's called "fucking around." To each their own, I guess, but most people can't seem to handle a single significant other well, much less more than one.

Posted by: Slash at August 5, 2009 6:08 PM

What if your childhood was already ruined when you were a child?

Fuck you, Hollywood, you can't touch me!

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 5, 2009 7:13 PM

Alcohol is the not the kind of drug I expect in my Colbert Bump.

Posted by: SaBrina at August 5, 2009 10:46 PM

Posted by: replica at August 6, 2009 2:59 AM

buc: Ha! Wait, huh? Oh, aww. Hmm, yeah. I think I'm going to bed early tonight.

Okay, okay. Hold your fire. I think it's great that they're out of prison, but what the FUCK FUCK FUUCCCCCCCK were they thinking?

I don't want to seem callous, but what the FUCK were they thinking? This isn't trying to dine and dash at some highway Harvey's, this is North Korea. Yeah, the Northern one. You know, the run being strangled by the psychotic pompadour?

Fact: One can not just 'accidentally' cross the border. It takes gobs of legwork and diplomacy to even get within seeing distance, and you would never be able to travel anywhere NEAR it without a metric fucktonne of hired hands around you. I'm not saying that I want to see people forced into hard labour camps.

The number of exhaustion-related fatalities is in the double-digits. The rest get off with life-altering injuries. So, to be clear: working people to death is not how I play. But, to say that this border incident was accidental is 672 per cent fabrication.

It's like saying that you became pregnant because while looking for your prayer book, the ground opened under your feet, you plummeted, the force of the gale around you ripped off your naughties, and you landed lickety-splat on that man's erect babymaker. Also it's general knowledge that he's impotent, so it's kind of a miracle.

I remember reading about this in a few different places when it was going down in June, and I thought that the statements were so cleverly worded. I can't quote them, but I remember them talking about the two women (both in their thirties) as being 'girls', and a lot of other stuff that portrayed them as (pretty much), a couple of wide-eyes naive students of culture who got lost when looking for their hostel. Savvy writers.

Okay, I'm going to hell: I also remember reading about the personal circumstances of the two women: one had a young daughter, the other had a health condition. The argument followed that they needed to be released for humanitarian reasons. That would be wonderful, yes. But both women had those things before this happened. Countless jailed people have families and health problems--some of them aren't even guilty, which is not really the case here. That's why prison is (supposedly) a deterrent.

I guess I'm saying these things because their early release was a foregone conclusion. These women became political bargaining chips, and what better why to win one for the home team than to:

-show mercy towards the miscreants
-show American that it's not just sunglasses and nukes in N.Korea
-make heroes out of embattled journalists
-remind us of how of good ol' diplomacy can diffuse even the most dire of situations.

I think that these journalists thought that if they were sneaky and intrepid enough, they'd be journalistic heroes and lauded the world over. I'm sure that they had a lot of noble reasons on the agenda, but it just doesn't work that way. Why they thought that the stars in their eyes would blind a totalitarian regime, I don't know.

So, I guess what I'm thinking is: I'm glad they're okay and back with their families. But to that end, they're some fucking kind of lucky that one of them happens to have a famous American sister. Relieved as I am that they're okay, I'm also going to be the bitch that says, 'You lucked out. That was an egregiously colossal fuck-up.'

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at August 6, 2009 10:37 PM





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