Pajiba Love 07/29/09

I'd Rather Watch My Parents Doing It

By Stacey Nosek | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (35)

Oh. My. God. GROSS. Apparently in Funny People, there is an Adam Sandler sex scene. Vomitous retchimus. In honor of that, here are ten actors who should never, ever do sex scenes. Ever. (Spout)

Since the abhorrent “More to Love” premiered last night, here are ten tasteless reality shows. You know, basically the sort of thing I live for. (Screen Junkies)

Courtney Love is bitching about the new wave of rocker grrrls ripping off her style. Guess it’s pretty convenient that she forgot about that whole Sid and Nancy thing. (Webster’s)

Here’s a six-pack of respectable movies adapted from television shows. You can begin whining now that the writer left out Serenity, but since he’s my roommate I’ll make sure to kick him in the nuts for you. (PW)

Misogynistic asshole Dov Charney thinks that people aren’t shopping at American Apparel stores because the salesgirls are too fat, not because of that whole “crippling recession” thing. (Zelda Lily)

Hold onto your monocles, for it turns out the marriage of Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson might not be infallible after all. In fact, it might actually be totally fallible. (Yeeeah!)

How well do you know your Apatow? Oh, fuck you, Apatow. I’m still pissed about the Adam Sandler naked sex thing. (Rope of Silicon)

Cameron Diaz spoke on a panel at Comic-Con for her upcoming Richard Kelly film, The Box, and inadvertently gave away the ending. Well, no one ever accused her of being the smartest Charlie’s Angel. (Agent Bedhead)

Second Pass contributor Charlene Bauer (no relation to Jack Bauer) is celebrating the release of her first novel today. So like, go check it out and stuff. (Second Pass)

Either Hilary Duff has been on a steady diet of air sandwiches or somebody got a little overzealous with the Photoshop gun. (Popoholic)

The new promotional photos for the upcoming season of “Mad Men” are chock full of spoilers. Well … Sort of. (Jezebel)

One of our readers, Lucas, got bent over and screwed hard by shitty bank fees. This isn’t normally the sort of topic I’d post on, but I thought some of you out there might help him commiserate by sharing your own tales of woe. (Shieldship)

Do you smell so bad that regular bathing, deodorant and grooming habits aren’t enough to wrangle your powerful stench? Well finally, here is a product just for you:

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.

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Comments

WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF A WORLD DO WE LIVE IN WHERE ADAM SANDLER GETS A SEX SCENE BUT ERIC BANA DOESN'T?!

FUCK YOU JUDD APATOW. FUCK YOU HARD IN THE EAR.

I am DONE with you, Apatow. DONE. Fuck off to hell! TO HELL!

*throws hands in the air, storms away*

ARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Posted by: figgy at July 29, 2009 1:21 PM

Ok, worse than Asprey which at least is practicing truth in advertising, there is a drug for Acid Reflux called (I am totally not shitting you) Aciphex.

Go ahead, say it out loud. I'll wait.

To prove that I am not shitting you, here is the website for the drug: http://www.aciphex.com/Default.aspx?media_code=WEBP1001&gclid=CNnBnfC2-5sCFRMhnAodLm1A_Q

Enjoy.

Posted by: Genny (actually Rusty now) at July 29, 2009 1:23 PM

FINALLY! Something for my butt odour.

Posted by: perfectjargon at July 29, 2009 1:24 PM

i got forced to watch "more to love" by the wife. i was itching to see if one of the competitions were to wrestle in mayo in search of a bacon bit the whole time. how bad am i? or is that just the expectation set by fox?

Posted by: pabs at July 29, 2009 1:26 PM

Aciphex works though. Kinda expensive, but tailor made for hiatal hernias.

Posted by: Jay at July 29, 2009 1:40 PM

Fuck you, Screen Junkies. "Flavor of Love" and "Rock of Love" get a pass even though they thoroughly exploit racial and socio-economic stereotypes, but "Cheaters" makes the list? Did you see The Gimp get busted? How about that one dude getting bodyslammed onto the hood of a car? It's called "comeuppance" you jerks.

Joey Greco was cheated on sometime in the past and has made it his mission to catch all cheaters, no matter the price. "Tasteless," you say? "Heroic," I say!

I'm out!

*drops mic*

Posted by: Kballs at July 29, 2009 1:43 PM

OK, this might seem obvious to some potential ASpray customers, but if you have to lift up your skirt or pull down your pants to spray your privates, perhaps you should first consider some good old-fashioned bathing. And if you're the dude with the stink rising up out of your butt crack, how about wiping your fucking ass? Good Godtopus, what is going on out in the world these days?

p.s. Do people really have stinky, green vapors rising from their bodies? Because if they do, I might have to rethink leaving my home ever again.

Posted by: Cindy at July 29, 2009 1:44 PM

Really Dov Charney? I think it's because every ad I see for your store features scrunchies and hypercolor. It's not 1991 and I'm not eleven anymore. I no longer think those are cute fashion choices (although hypercolor things are still somehow ridiculously awesome. But I'm not buying them).

Posted by: Jeni at July 29, 2009 1:45 PM

I'm fairly certain the original title of "More to Love" was "The Fatchelor".

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at July 29, 2009 1:46 PM

Pabs, I had my brother and his girlfriend over last night and we ended up watching More to Love due to morbid curiousity. A few observations:

1. Unlike The Bachelor, these girls get fed appetizers.
2. Like The Bachelor, a gal will always look like an attention whoring ho-muffin if she jumps into a pool in an evening gown.
3. Bras are a stacked girl's friend, and many of these women have no friends.
4. Ladies: you are not alone just because you are bigger. You are alone because you are a desperate fuckhead who will not stop FUCKING CRYING.
5. I hate the universe.

Posted by: Julie at July 29, 2009 1:49 PM

Does Aspray come free with the Ass Swiffer? Cos that's a totally awesome deal right there.

Posted by: figgy at July 29, 2009 1:49 PM

Does the Aspray come free with the Ass Swiffer? Cos that's a totally sweet deal right there.

Though it doesn't say much about the cleaning power of the Ass Swiffer, does it.

Posted by: figgy at July 29, 2009 1:51 PM

Ack. How did that happen.

Posted by: figgy at July 29, 2009 1:53 PM

My ass could use some effects, special or otherwise. I'm not picky. How about levitation?

Posted by: slower lower at July 29, 2009 1:57 PM

slower lower: how about the power...to move you

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at July 29, 2009 2:00 PM

The Ass Swiffer needs no aids.

Well, unless of course there is some sort of unfortunate accident - which is why the Deluxe model comes with an emergency tub of Vaseline and one of those medic alert necklaces. (You do know all infomercial products are related, don't you?)

Posted by: Cindy at July 29, 2009 2:03 PM

I'm out!
*drops mic*
Posted by: Kballs at July 29, 2009 1:43 PM

I've decided that from now on, you should announce, "Balls out!"

It works on several levels, you see.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at July 29, 2009 2:11 PM

I've never seen Jawbreaker, so that scene with Marilyn Manson was completely new and horrifying.

Posted by: Snath at July 29, 2009 2:15 PM

I thought it was proounced ASSpray until I turned the sound on.

Somewhere, Billy Mays is turning over in his grave. All of a sudden he seems like a class act, where before I had to change the channel when his ads came on.

Posted by: BWeaves at July 29, 2009 2:16 PM

julie,

i hate the universe as well. we just have to accept the fact that fox is the industry's asshole and it will keep shooting stuff out at us.

Also at first i read "morbid obesity" in your post. godtopus help me

Posted by: pabs at July 29, 2009 2:17 PM

I've decided that from now on, you should announce, "Balls out!"

I LOVE IT.

Posted by: figgy at July 29, 2009 2:26 PM

AvB,

Agreed.

*resisting urge*

*hhhrrrmmmppphhhh*

Balls out!

Posted by: Kballs at July 29, 2009 2:36 PM

Lucas - I agree that the whole overdraft charge is bullshit, but maybe you shouldn't spend money you don't have.

I wish I had a Photoshop gun at work right now.

Posted by: henchman for hire at July 29, 2009 2:45 PM

But it's made in the USA!

Aspray for the economy!

Posted by: appwitch at July 29, 2009 2:49 PM

Tracer could run circles around this Aspray ad without breaking a sweat.

Come to think of it, it's already been done this week.

Posted by: bleujayone at July 29, 2009 2:57 PM

By the way, why do I STILL not have Jawbreakers on DVD!?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at July 29, 2009 3:00 PM

How about William H. Macy as somebody who should never do another sex scene. In The Cooler he was totally frontally naked except for his genitalia which were completely contained in the dainty hand of Maria Bello making him look slightly smaller than a hamster. I mean try putting big Jim and the twins in the hand of your SO. Maybe it was some sort of appliance but it was still pretty shocking. He should check the nude sex scene box and move on to whatever is next on the list.

Posted by: OscarTamerz at July 29, 2009 3:51 PM

OscarTamerz,
What if Gay Nude Sex Scene was next on the list? Then you'd be sorry.

Posted by: Kballs at July 29, 2009 4:06 PM

How did Jack Black not make that list of actors who should never do a sex scene? There are at least 3 people on that list I would rather see gettin' down than Jack Black.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at July 29, 2009 7:01 PM

Kballs

I think nude sex scene covers gay, bestiality and 2 William H. Macys, one cup nude schiesse sex scenes.

Posted by: OscarTamerz at July 29, 2009 7:20 PM

Aaaaaugh, CHARNEEEEEY! What a dickhole.

Cameron Diaz spoke on a panel at Comic-Con for her ~~upcoming Richard Kelly film, The~~ Box, and inadvertently gave away the ending.

Hee hee. Hey, look at me, I'm immature!

But seriously now ladies, you should never give away the "twist" "ending" of your Box.

Posted by: SaBrina at July 29, 2009 8:18 PM

Henchman, I thought I had the money. Turns out they charged about 50 cents extra that I didn't know they were going to charge.

Posted by: Lucas at July 29, 2009 9:55 PM

Re: Sex scenes link...hear, hear! And to further the point:

People who should not be cast as romantic leads at all, like, ever -

Nicholas Cage (ew, ew, ew)
Will Ferrell (ick, ick, ick)
Mike Myers (gets a marginal Pass for Austin Powers, but come on, that was a hundred years ago)
Ben Stiller (see M. Myers, but for Zoolander)
Nicole Kidman (is now 78% plastic and it's gross)
Seth Rogan (many will disagree, but he does nothing for me)
Eva Mendes (NEGATIVE sex appeal, and Ghost Rider sterilized my uterus)
Michael Cera (he's looks perpetually twelve)
Rob Schneider (too obvious?)

I was almost going to put down Steve Buscemi. But then I realized that'd be a lie, cause I'd do him.

Posted by: malechai at July 29, 2009 10:12 PM

Hahahahaha SaBrina, that was excellent.

So I guess I'm the only one who fantasizes about Steve Martin, then?

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at July 29, 2009 11:14 PM

Adam Sandler having sex? *hurk* For the record, I still want to punch him in the face.

And re: Steve Martin sexiness: word. Eeeeewwwww. I don't like to watch his movies for fear that there will be even a hint of libido coming off him. Although for some reason Shopgirl didn't bother me much. Maybe because he is actually old enough to have white hair now.

Posted by: Elfrieda at July 29, 2009 11:58 PM

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I'd Rather Watch My Parents Doing It

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