free counter with statistics Pajiba Love 07/24/07 | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Pajiba Love

Pajiba uber-crush Maggie Gyllenhaal is the new face of Agent Provocateur lingerie. Rowr! (Celebitchy)

What to tell your kids during that awkward “What’s an Emo?” conversation. (Hispanic! At the Disco)

Oh… God… No. Please, no. I’m getting sweaty and nauseous as we speak. (YesButNoButYes)

OK — So maybe Bear Gyrlls is embellishing his feats of survival — but since I’ve seen the guy drink his own urine and bite into live animals like they were goddamned sandwiches, I don’t know if I’d go so far as to call him a fake, either. (Galley Slaves)

What do Dolores Umbridge and Elle Woods have in common? (Film Experience)

Wow, you’d think the administration who predominantly fabricated the story of the capture and rescue of a female soldier would at least be able to tell the difference between that soldier and an airhead on MTV. You’d think. (TheEvilBeet)

Look, if someone is stealing a beer truck from a baseball stadium — I think it’s probably safe to assume they’re not a connoisseur. (QuizLaw)

Don’t miss the new installment of “Planning Sensibly For When the Zombies Come!” (YourMom’sBasement)

And in case you were wondering — no one got arrested for DUI/drug possession today; and no one had a public meltdown at a magazine photoshoot. That’s right, if the good folks here at Pajiba refuse to acknowledge it — then it didn’t happen. A-fucking-men.

As punishment for the response to yesterday’s clip — I’m going to leave you with a little ditty I like to call “Chocolate Rain.” Kids? You can thank your Pajiba-mates for this, after the jump.

Pajiba Love | July 24, 2007 | Comments (39)


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Comments

Turn it off. Turn off the Chocolate Rain! It hurts. It's scraping away my DNA bit by little bit. I hurt. I hurt. It hurts. So very bad.

Posted by: Great Mango at July 24, 2007 3:56 PM

oh god why? That was so awful. Chocolate rain, lol, oh no

Posted by: lea at July 24, 2007 4:11 PM

"And in case you were wondering -- no one got arrested for DUI/drug possession today; and no one had a public meltdown at a magazine photoshoot. That's right, if the good folks here at Pajiba refuse to acknowledge it -- then it didn't happen. A-fucking-men"

You know this is gonna get covered from wall to goddamn wall. I'm gonna take my TV and throw it out the motherfucking window.

Posted by: Manny at July 24, 2007 4:12 PM

It's still there, LS. It's in my head! Chocolate Rain is lodged beneath the folds of matter in my brain. I can't remove it. Everywhere I go, it's Chocolate Rain. To my boss's office -- Chocolate Rain. Outside for a smoke -- Chocolate Rain. To the restroom -- Chocolate Rain. I'm surrounded by Chocolate Rain. Someone help me.

I hate you. And your Chocolate Rain.

Posted by: Great Mango at July 24, 2007 4:18 PM

Why must you be so hurtful, LS? Why punish the good with the bad? Aren't you supposed to be a loving PL poster?

Who named this poor soul Tay Zonday? Was it Pootie Tang? And what the HELL is chocolate rain made of in order to cause all the stuff it does in that song?

Posted by: Vermillion at July 24, 2007 4:22 PM

What's even better is when Bear Grylls actually roasted a snake over a fire and talks about it like it's a damn Baconator. I still think the stuff on that show is useful...and I'm not complaining about those moments when he takes his clothes off to dry them on rocks. Nope, not a peep.

Ummmm...chocolate rain? Is that, like, a phrase for a new sexual fetish, a la golden shower?

Posted by: em at July 24, 2007 4:26 PM

I am a loving PL poster. But sometimes it's 'tough love,' and that's exactly why I had to do it. Trust me -- it's hurts me as much as it hurts you.

Posted by: litelysalted at July 24, 2007 4:29 PM

I don't expect Bear Grylls to actually risk his life for my entertainment. I'd probably die before I could bite into a poisonous spider. So let him have his cable TV and WiFi.

Posted by: pammeey at July 24, 2007 4:30 PM

If I hadn't already seen and heard "Chocolate Rain" on Cruel.com a while back, I assure you I'd be choking on my own tongue right now.

My hat is off to you.

But yesterday's video still sucked and there isn't a thing you can do about it now.

Neener neener neener.

Posted by: Jerce at July 24, 2007 4:42 PM

I may get ridiculed by loyal Pajibans everywhere, but...

The woman playing Alice in that Brady porn looks a bit like Parker Posey on that box art. Just a bit.

Also, in the photo of Maggie G., she looks like she could be Jeff Tweedy's (Wilco) sister.

No, I am not on drugs...At the moment.

Posted by: Mohaski at July 24, 2007 4:46 PM

I just spent 10 of the most productive minutes of my life simply staring at the lovely Ms. Gyllenhaal. And before I go home tonight, I'm likely to do it again.

Posted by: ryan at July 24, 2007 5:00 PM

re: Maggie Gyllenhaal.

That's disappointing. Like she doesn't have anything better to do than pose in skanky lingerie that's supposed to make you feel like an underfed teenager. What a poor choice for an otherwise talented artist.

Posted by: Bianca Reagan at July 24, 2007 5:22 PM

you'd think the administration who completely fabricated the capture and rescue of a female soldier

[sigh] Here's a little tip: Lying about other people lying doesn't make you seem more credible.

Posted by: The Comish (sic) at July 24, 2007 5:37 PM

My apologies -- in haste I worded that poorly. Very poorly. I meant no disrespect towards Ms. Lynch, and I stand corrected.

Oh, and Jerce?

**Angrily waves fist is the air** CURSES!!!!

Posted by: litelysalted at July 24, 2007 5:51 PM

Huzzah! We live in a world where Maggie Gyllenhaal displaces Kate Moss as a lingerie model! Life is indeed worth living.

(Sorry, Bianca, not following -- how can it be bad for a noted independent and awesome woman to project her image for a type of clothing that millions and millions of independent women choose to wear? The sample photo didn't look like some Frederick's of Hollywood crap; I'll let you know more after I familiarize myself with the website for a few hours.)

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at July 24, 2007 6:20 PM

Chocolate Rain...I shot myself in the brain...Chocolate Rain

Man, that is so bad...

Posted by: Brian at July 24, 2007 6:48 PM

litelysalted, Thanks for the correction. That speaks incredibly well of your honesty and character. And no, I'm not being sarcastic. (Can I get banned for being sincere on this site? I sure hope not.)

Posted by: The Comish (sic) at July 24, 2007 7:13 PM

"And in case you were wondering -- no one got arrested for DUI/drug possession today; and no one had a public meltdown at a magazine photoshoot. That's right, if the good folks here at Pajiba refuse to acknowledge it -- then it didn't happen. A-fucking-men"

You know what's sad about this? I had no clue any of this stupid stuff was happening until I "didn't" read it here. Now I've just spent ten minutes googling trying to figure out who these people are. Here's a better way to not acknowledge these idiots; don't acknowledge them at all. For shame, Pajiba.

Posted by: hopit at July 24, 2007 8:12 PM

socalled, I familiarized myself with the website before I wrote my previous post. I found some emaciated ladies in strips of clothing that I, an independent woman, would only choose to wear if I were a skinny whore, in the literal sense. I don't see how Maggie Gyllenhaal posing for any lingerie line, much less one that seems to cater to glassy-eyed stick figures, is good for anyone except the established patriarchy. Is this really the kind of posing you'd be proud to do?

http://www.agentprovocateur.com/jilly_2.php

Does something like that scream "empowered" to you?

Additionally, what serious male actor, besides Marky Mark, has posed for a lingerie line? If you can't think of any, ask yourself why not. There's a reason most actors choose to be photographed with their clothes on, Daniel Radcliffe notwithstanding.

Posted by: Bianca Reagan at July 24, 2007 8:14 PM

I KNEW "Bear" Gyrlls was FULL. OF. SHIT.


hahahahahahahaha, douchebag.

*Back to watching Survivorman*

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at July 24, 2007 8:15 PM

Beer truck stealing is the story of the day. Only in New Orleans....man, I miss that city.

Posted by: Hannah at July 24, 2007 8:37 PM

Bianca Reagan: Um, is it because no one had seriously tried to create a lingerie equivalent for men? Or that most male actors are just physically unappealing (or just consider themselves so)? Or that those who could be considered attractive do most of their skin baring in movies? Maybe because a male demonstrating any type of sexual openness is either doing it for laughs or gay? Or is it because women supposedly don't have sexual desires similar to men, so they couldn't possibly want to see men in skimpy clothing? Or maybe it is the other hand, and men are such horny, immature monkeys that cannot control their libidos and need some sort of stimulation every second of every day, therefore the poor women have to sacrifice their dignity to sate them?

I am not being facetious or insulting; I am simply trying to understand your point. Considering that I (and apparently socalled as well) didn't really give a crap about this lingerie until Maggie, who I would like to consider more of a 'real' woman than Kate Moss or any of the stick figures on that site, got signed, I would say that is a step in the right direction. They are realizing that heroin does not make a heroine, and maybe that they have gotten severely out of touch with the real world. But I guess if they did come out with a line modeled by Christian Bale, it would be a lot more equal.

Posted by: Vermillion at July 24, 2007 8:49 PM

Okay, Bianca, no-fair linking to a photo that proves your point. That one was yucky. You also researched before being opinionated, so double shame on you. Where do you think you are, Pajiba?

In fairness, I don't know that one ad out of literally hundreds of more traditional poses on their site defines the brand; it looks like someone got a little "artsy" with the photography, by which I mean vulgar and tasteless, but most of it looks like standard catalogue fare. And yes, the models are generally thin -- not my taste, but I don't think they look "emaciated" either -- yet MG's association with it begs the benefit of the doubt, as does the company's decision to associate with her. It would have been easy to go from Kate Moss to some other twiddledy-doofus 90-pound model.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at July 24, 2007 9:24 PM

Oh, and to answer your question, I assume you'll count underwear, as I'm the only one who wears "lingerie," and even then it tends toward the Jane-Austen-corset variety.

Anyway, Kevin Bacon and Michael Jordan have an omnipresent and weird homoerotic thing going on right now. And there's Mark Wahlberg. And ... help me Google! Um, Michael Richards' infamous Calvin Klein campaign, circa 1992. So there.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at July 24, 2007 9:31 PM

Any competent authority on survival will inform you that drinking your own urine is possible but it leads to a drastically reduced survival in much the same way as drinking sea water is possible but means you survive about half as long as you would have had you not drunk it. Approaching a wild animal whether it is an elk, moose or horse is a really good way to get stomped to death. The show is hilariously fake.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is nothing but fugly. The best commentary on Mona Lisa Smile was when the video store clerk left a message for Vince Vaughn in Dodge Ball detailing all the anal porn he had overdue and then in true disgust finally mentions that he also had not returned Mona Lisa Smile. Secretary might have been interesting if it hadn't starred her and James Spader at the beginning of his now incredible blimp phase and seeing her naked in Strip Search makes you realize why clothes were invented.

Posted by: OscarTamerz at July 24, 2007 9:45 PM

i...

dont...
get it.

chocolate rain? what? i couldnt even concentrate on the lyrics, i was tryign to decide if this kid was
A)older than 12

or

B) michael jackson

i remember hating yesterday's video, but im so confused now....

Posted by: MAx at July 25, 2007 2:09 AM

Oscar: calling Maggie "fugly" doesn't seem like a productive direction to move in.

Vermillion: I'm not that into Christian Bale. But I wouldn't mind Boxers, by Jake G. That would be cool. He'd give Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon a run for their money.

socalled: Apparently women get two choices for representation: sexual object, or sexual object of normal weight? That's not encouraging. Whereas men repeatedly get the choice of sexual subject of any weight or size.

I don't care how "artistic" the photos are. No one is going to see Ms. Gyllenhaal in overpriced underwear and say, "Now she's a talented business woman," even though that statement is true. They are going to say, "She's dressed in her skivvies to please someone else sexually."

Additionally, Queen Latifah started her own undergarment line a few years ago. However, those were both attractive and functional items. They were not made primarily for someone else's pleasure.

Posted by: Bianca Reagan at July 25, 2007 8:07 AM

Alright Bianca, so what you're saying is that lingerie for fat girls is A-OK, but lingerie for skinny girls is demeaning?

Did it ever occur to you that some women wear lingerie because they actually enjoy it, and like the way it makes them feel? Get your head out of your ass. I wouldn't go so far as to call modeling lingerie "empowering," but if MG wants to break the mold of what a lingerie model should look like and have fun and feel sexy doing it... More power to her.

Posted by: Skinny Bitch at July 25, 2007 8:51 AM

Mango here again. Just wanted to let you know, LS, that my wife left me last night. I couldn't get the song out of my head. It kept slipping out during conversations (Chocolate Rain!), TV watching time (Chocolate Rain!) and finally, in my sleep (Chocolate Rain! Chocolate Rain!)She'd had enough by 3 a.m. and decided to go sleep where it was dry and not so chocolatey.

My life is falling apart. Thanks Chocolate Rain!

Posted by: The Great Mango at July 25, 2007 8:53 AM

I totally do not get what is so fabulous about Maggie G. Could someone explain her appeal?

The impression I got from Agent Provocateur's hiring of her is that she'll take over the role Kate Moss previously had in those "Dreams of Ms. X" little shorts that play on the website.

Oh and all this discussion about whether or not she's a great antidote to uber-skinny Moss: Maggie's been nekkid in several movies (notably Secretary) and she's a mite skinnier than I am and I'm considered an average size woman (size 8).

Unless these short films feature her frolicking in her skivvies with the same post-baby squishy belly and less-than-perfectly-toned thighs that I have, this ain't no victory in the body image wars.

And Bianca, what's wrong with willingly dressing in sexy lingerie to please someone sexually? Why is that demeaning?

Posted by: Alabamapink at July 25, 2007 10:00 AM

God, how I wish I could go back in time and NOT click on the link that exposes Man vs. Wild...I love me some Bear. And regardless of where he's sleeping at night, those grubs he ate on the show the other day were most definitely real. And disgusting. And the man drank his own urine. That's bad ass in any book.

Bianca - you don't find Christian Bale sexy? Seriously?

Posted by: Kolby at July 25, 2007 10:29 AM

Oh! Oh my god! I just watched about 30 seconds of Chocolate Rain...I couldn't get past "I move away from the mic so I can breathe" without bursting into laughter. Oh man, that was awful...I am seinding it to all my friends.

Posted by: Kolby at July 25, 2007 10:32 AM

Bianca, you're going to lose this battle, my friend. I hear you, though. Ditto, Alabamapink.

It'd be interesting to see the reaction were it Victoria's Secret instead of Agent Provacateur.

Posted by: Samantha T at July 25, 2007 10:37 AM

As for the whole Maggie Gyllenhaal thing, well, until we know what it's going to look like and how she's going to pose in the adverts, I don't think it's fair to judge her for doing it. So, homegirl wants to model lingerie. Good for her. Also, Bianca, I get what you're saying about sexy (or skanky, however you define it) lingerie being used to please someone sexually, because, well, that is one of its purposes (not the sole purpose, in my opinion), but you know what? I've worn sexy stuff under my clothes when I'm taken or when I'm single. Call that whatever you want, but I like the way it makes me feel and look even when I don't have anyone to show it to.

Oh, and is there a way we can throw Jake, Christian, and Bear Grylls into a "lingerie for men" advert? Seriously, people.

Posted by: em at July 25, 2007 10:40 AM

Hey! Agent Provocateur TOTALLY stole that "Jilly" pose from America's Next Top Model. They already did the whole "you're a hot, dead model" thing last cycle. And it was way grosser and better.
Too bad they didn't do any shots with one of the models being strung up by her feet for a blood shower or getting acid poured on her. That totally would have rocked. Oh wait- I forgot. That's bad.

Posted by: Go Big Red at July 25, 2007 10:53 AM

Apparently women get two choices for representation: sexual object, or sexual object of normal weight?

Well, Bianca, that's an extreme and unsupported response to what I said, which tends to undermine credibility. In any event, by your own statement about Queen Latifah's products, women get the choices that are commercially viable, just like I do. If Agent Provocateur gets more clicks, eyeballs, and sales, then that's pretty much the end of the issue as anything other than an academic exercise. If Queen Latifah gets more, then good on her. Yes, Madison Avenue promotes a bad image of women; no, no one is forcing any woman to buy from them.

I don't care how "artistic" the photos are.

Now you're just plain mischaracterizing my argument -- the photo was "vulgar and tasteless" (to quote myself), which is why I used those crazy quoty thingies in the first place.

One last thing: I'm hetero male (eat it, Dustin), and while I consider myself fairly enlightened about what is sexy in the wide, wonderful range of female appearance, I'm around a lot of guys who are, um, not, and I've read and seen enough on the internet to know the disturbing range of male tastes (Thank you, Dan Savage!).

My point: The photo you linked to -- well, I don't know what the fuck they were trying to accomplish with that, but it certainly was not something that would sexually entice more than a small fringe group of men. It was pretty ridiculous and hopelessly unerotic by any standard. It held virtually no resemblance to actual sexy commercial photos successfully targeting hetero men. You're correct that it certainly was not empowering to females, but it wasn't debasing them for men's tastes either. I mean, look at the thing -- it's just bizarre, and not even in an interesting fetishy way. There might be a handful of "no seriously, I'm straight" guys who would like it, but not enough to justify the resource expenditure to produce it.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at July 25, 2007 12:35 PM

Maggie G. hmmmmmmm

I'd hit it.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at July 25, 2007 2:09 PM

Re: Chocolate Rain... Litelysalted is using her powers for EVIL!

She is drunk with power.

Look upon her and tremble, pajiba-ites.

Posted by: TK at July 25, 2007 3:17 PM

I should be feeling relief that "Cousin Oliver doesn't figure in the story," not disappointment ... right?

Also: "Lu Bricate." Heh.

Posted by: Gidget Jones at August 2, 2007 3:42 PM