free counter with statistics Pajiba Love 07/21/08 | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Pajiba Love

First of all: a big, friendly reacharound of gratitude to TK for filling in for me last week. Did you guys miss me? Second of all, I’m still in lazy, vacation mode, so here’s a story about a sheep fucker. (QuizLaw)

And since TK already done broke the rules … Ah, fuck it. Lindsay Lohan’s new line of leggings come with built-in kneepads. I’d say you couldn’t write this stuff, except you can, and I do, on a daily basis. (WIMB)

Everybody hates Jessica Simpson, now including people whose main source of income is returning their own used cans of Miller High Life. (IDLYITW)

The Jersey Shore is a scant three hour car drive from me, and yet, I never ever go there. Not ever. I wonder why that is? (FourFour)

A buddy of Dan’s made these awesome-slawsome “Ben Linus for President” t-shirts, and I’m promoting them because, well, I love cool t-shirts and it’s what I do. (GrubbyTees)

Because I adore Ms. Mix and Bitch, and absolutely care what she has to say: here are her Top Ten Office Blow-Offs. On a related note: glad to know I’m not the only internet stalker. (MixTapeTherapy)

I’m gonna have to side with Mrs. TK on this one. Not a fan of the “screamey” genre of music. To each their own, eh? (MusicIsTheMessage)

T.R. Knight gets outgayed by a straight dude. In related news, Perez Hilton has been outgayed by a straight gossip blogger. (WIMB)

Missssccha Barton sets out to debunk those cellulite photos by posing topless and photoshopped within an inch of her life. Well done! (Popoholic)

Check out the newest internet craze, sure to spread faster’n a RickRoll in an online celebrity sex tape forum: LOL Jughead. (MightyGodKing)

Starbucks failure presented conveniently in Google map form. Let’s all point and laugh,shall we? (Serious Eats)

A bunch of college level a cappella nerds totally one-up Ben Folds’ version of “Bitches Ain’t Shit,” after the jump.

Pajiba Love | July 21, 2008 | Comments (34)

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

Yeahheyhowsitgoingwelcomebackmenoske...

So Sally Mae Purplepants is gone. Great. Now her creepy cousin's shown up for a few days?

I fully appreciate the idea of deciding to avoid your typical "Model" types (airbrushed a pube's width from being completely computer-generated), but there's something about American Apparel's models that Freaks. Me. The. Hell. Out. Is anyone with me on this? They've got like... like a vacant death-stare, or something. Like you'd have 'em over for barbecue right? Long after the party's over, you've cleaned up, hosed out the grill and as you're going around the house shutting lights off, you'd find 'em crouched in your basement eating bugs...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 21, 2008 3:56 PM

Gack!

A simple "thank you" would have sufficed ;)

Posted by: TK at July 21, 2008 4:01 PM

Skittimus: YES!
I was just remarking to my coworker that I don't GET American Apparel ads....ill-fitting boring clothes on sickly looking scary people....this is supposed to make me want to buy stuff?

Posted by: peachfish at July 21, 2008 4:25 PM

Why would someone ever do that to such an adorable, sweet, sexy in that timid way creature? What is the world coming to?

Posted by: jM at July 21, 2008 4:28 PM

Ahem...they're not pandas, jM...

Skitt, I've been trying to avoid staring at any of those models...it's like they're trying to reach in to rip your soul out and hypnotize you into buying their crap.

Definition of Irony: Lindsay Lohan advertising leggings with kneepads. You're right...you can't make this shit up. Now we need Pamela Anderson's line of swimwear, complete with implants.

Welcome back, Stacey!!! You missed a helluva lot.

Posted by: shadows of Dakaron at July 21, 2008 4:37 PM

I'm with Mrs. TK too. Not a huge fan of the scream-y music, though the Main Squeeze is a huge fan. That's why I sent him the link to that Music is the Message posting.

Hey, it's important to have some separate interests. It keeps the relationship strong.

Posted by: tamatha at July 21, 2008 4:47 PM

Phew! Thanks for snapping me out of that Shadows, though I would say that I'm an equal opportunity employer of... okay I'm done.

Posted by: jM at July 21, 2008 4:57 PM

The models all look like young Eastern European girls rescued from a sex slavery ring. There is something so creepy about them. It disturbs.

Posted by: samantha t at July 21, 2008 5:19 PM

Aw shucks (blush, blush) - the adoration is totally mutual.

Hope you had a restful vaca - Lord knows you're the hardest working gal on the internet I know...

And yeah, TK is great, but Pajiba Love just ain't the same without you!

Posted by: Ms. Mix & Bitch at July 21, 2008 5:30 PM

I'm with samantha on that one. I wonder if I could order a couple to be in my Robert Palmer Posse - it would seem they have the facial expression (or lack thereof) down...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 21, 2008 5:31 PM

Where in the panda-raping hell are you seeing these models?! Oh...right, got my adblock on. I haven't seen an ad in ages. I kinda miss them. Especially the ones encouraging me to punch a monkey with my mouse and win a trip to the zoo where I'll find a million dollars hidden in the lion's den.

Posted by: Joker at July 21, 2008 5:36 PM

Skits, remember when Sally Mae Purplepants amused me, and then she wouldn't go away, and so then she started to freak me the fuck out and I kind of had a mild (but public) nervous breakdown about it? I know Jay remembers. Well anyway, I think I've come full circle on the American Apparel Horde of Zombie Strippers Models, because Suzy Swimwear up there is cracking my shit up. Sure, she looks pissed off, but she's definitely less eat-your-face-off creepy than Sally Mae. Suzy gives off a palpable aura of apathetic zombieness, like she just can't be bothered with consuming human flesh. She's all, "Uuuuuuggggghhhhhhh. This is the most unflattering bathing suit in all of creation which does not feature a skirt or actual ass ruffles. I should not have to put up with this. I am a STAR, goddammit. And I gotta pee, or I think maybe I have a yeast infection... SOMETHING'S definitely going on to make me stand like this. I look like a drunk colt. I'm so glad I didn't bother to brush my hair for this shit. God, I hate this job."

Posted by: Sarina at July 21, 2008 5:36 PM

Sarina! Project Mary is a go for tomorrow.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at July 21, 2008 5:47 PM

I look like a drunk colt.

Sarina, you are coldblooded. I want to be you when I grow up.

Posted by: jM at July 21, 2008 5:53 PM

What the hell is "Project Mary"? If it has anything to do with a bag of flaming poo, count me in!

If it has anything to do with slipping a handful of roofies in my PBR and dropping me off somewhere along Interstate 35, thanks but no thanks. I've been down that road one too many times...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 21, 2008 5:55 PM

"Sarina! Project Mary is a go for tomorrow."

Hee. At first I was sorta, "Uhhh...the eagle flies at midnight?" because I am a forgetful idiot and I had no idea wtf you were talking about, but then I checked my email and I am a good 64% less retarded now.

The eagle still totally flies at midnight, though.

Posted by: Sarina at July 21, 2008 5:58 PM

The eagle still totally flies at midnight, though.

Which is why that's totally passé as a password response: too obvious. The correct response is, "Skittiums is totally, without question heterosexual."

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at July 21, 2008 6:01 PM

Aww...I want secret codes and forbidden meetings late at night!!!

Skittimus...the lion sleeps in the nude. At one in the morning.

[wink, wink]

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at July 21, 2008 6:07 PM

Heterosexual like a fox!

Seriously though - if it is the roofie thing, just leave me with my pants and enough dough to call for a cab... 'kay?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 21, 2008 6:09 PM

secret codes and forbidden meetings late at night

Project Mary is for the Greater Good of Pajiba. All shall be clear soon! Or slightly less muddled than usual. Which is pretty good!

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at July 21, 2008 6:09 PM

I do remember the purple breakdown, after wondering if it was some link I hadn't gone to. Suzy, well...the suit is unflattering. Would I rather just have the plunging neckline and no mary jane strap? No, it might even look worse then. The sort of needy expression I don't realize either. Beyond that: I know it's not her fault but she seems to have a kind of upper lip I don't like, plus it looks like she only has a waist on one side. If one just has a wide waist, fine, but she looks real weird.

The ugly hairstyle is her fault. Shit, can't I just see more of the lame shorts and leggings that would look tacky and ill-fitting in reality's daylight? That's all you're worth, AA! Why try to be more?

Posted by: Jay at July 21, 2008 6:10 PM

Heterosexual like a fox!

awesome-O. Third out-loud chuckle today. I can't even remember what that's from.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at July 21, 2008 6:10 PM

Also, I love what the King of Queen Archie's world is doing.

Posted by: Jay at July 21, 2008 6:13 PM

Oh. I get it now. The blue nun's sippin' the juice, eh?


[...this means we're burning down Conrad's house, right?...]

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 21, 2008 6:13 PM

Goddammit Skits, we're gonna blow up his house with POPCORN, just like in Real Genius! HOW MANY TIMES MUST WE GO OVER THIS? The laser's all set up, and I rented a school bus and went to Sam's Club and bought them out of Jiffy Pop. You better not goddamn forget the oil, or we're totally screwed.

Posted by: Sarina at July 21, 2008 6:23 PM

Oh I am there. I happen to have three tons of butter sitting in my warehouse not doing anything. It was for...uh...a prank...not related to pandas...and sheep...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at July 21, 2008 6:29 PM

Pookie's Movie Prognostications: "Cousins"

American Heritage Dictionary defines incest as sexual relations between persons who are so closely related that their marriage is illegal or forbidden by custom. Whew! Luckily that doesn't apply to me, because back in the day I considered my cousins at the family reunion nothing more than appetizers at a smorgasbord. And that brings me to my latest review "Cousins" , which stars Ted Danson of minstrel fame, and the lovely Isabella Rossellini. Danson's character (Larry) meets Rossellini's character (Maria) at each other's parents wedding. Larry is married to Tish (Sean Young) and Maria is married to Tom ( William Petersen) many of you movie buffs will recognize Petersen as Will Graham from "Man Hunter" in my opinion the best film in the Hannibal Lecktor series. Anyway the plot revolves around unhappy spouses Larry and Maria who grow closer as it becomes evident to the both of them that their respective spouses, Tish and Tom, are cheating on them with each other. Larry's father Vincent (Lloyd Bridges) and Maria's kin folk Edie (Norma Aleandro) know that these two want to get together for relations. When it becomes apparent that love is in the air for these two, they decide to throw caution to the wind and sail away together on Larry's boat. This was a good movie that shows that true love is just around the corner.

Posted by: Pookie at July 21, 2008 6:37 PM

Though I don't personally worship at the alter of Starbucks, it isn't so much hilarious that so many are closing. While they admittedly over-saturated the market to an obnoxious degree, they also provided their employees with excellent benefits and decent pay.
So, yeah, let's laugh at all the people losing their jobs. Ha ha.

Posted by: serena at July 21, 2008 6:42 PM

Haven't started reading yet (I'm very late here tonight), but just had to say

THANK GOD you're back, Stacey! If TK had been allowed to do one more 'Pajiba Love' feature, I'm afraid the column would have been terminated completely, because this guy really didn't have the talent for seeking out the best, as we Pajibanites prefer it here, over yours. Your absence was indeed mourned.

You ARE the 'Pajiba Love', baby!

Posted by: TMax at July 21, 2008 8:44 PM

Oh, Pookie, you wrote a movie review here, huh? Like anyone here is ready to read a review of an oscure, totally unrelated film that- oh, fuck it, I won't burn your sorry ass here, saving it for later.

Wanna shut the fuck UP now, shit-stick??

Thank you

Posted by: Not Conrad at July 21, 2008 8:56 PM

Play nice now, TMax honey. TK did a good job, and he got his reward in the form of simultaneous anal sex/hand job.

And Sarina? Mind if I borrow your laser when you're done with it? There's this guy I knew who never called me back after my first time, and, well, nothing says "YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED" like a focused beam of heat on the fun stuff.

Posted by: Jeremy at July 21, 2008 9:03 PM

These fucking guys, a bunch of comedians, always with the jokes. Listen Conrad, why you busting my balls? I come here to do some writing, to hone my skills. I won't let you come here to bad mouth me. Shouldn't you be somewhere fluffing some guy for his next scene?

Posted by: Pookie at July 21, 2008 9:10 PM

ahhh i just spazzed out to bitches aint shit.

Posted by: dene at July 21, 2008 11:40 PM

Bitches Ain't Shit is my new favorite song. I love college chorus classes singing demeaning rap songs in a capella.

TMax. Jeez, boy. Lay off TK. Don't make me break out the Valium darts.

And just so you know, Stacey, I fucking lost it when I went to the Would You Rather? thing. Seriously. You know I'm a fiend.

Posted by: Jaci at July 22, 2008 2:50 PM