free counter with statistics Pajiba Love 07/15/08 | Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Pajiba Love

Welcome to a kinder, gentler Pajiba Love. Of course, we start things off with ‘Jiba fave Michael Ian Black challenging the douchelicious Tucker Max to a fight (Michael Ian Black)…

…aaand doucherod Tucker Max, clearly no master of irony, accepting. (I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell) (H/T to socalledonlycousins for the heads up)

Continuing our theme of violence, what makes churchgoin’ even more God-tastic? Free guns! Yee-fuckin’ HAW! (Quizlaw)

Because I am a petty bastard who will use any opportunity or platform to take a shot at A-Rod (CelebWarship)

Pour one out for our people in St. Louis, a city that is being conquered by Belgium. You heard it here first. A sad day for cheap, shitty American beer, I tell you. (Barstool Sports)

Keeping with the theme, here are other American-as-apple-pie companies that are clearly foreign agents of evil. I’m looking at you, Hellman’s, you delicious, traitorous bastard. (Mental Floss)

What would cement my status as the freak of my bucolic little suburb, with the added bonus of feeding my zombie fetish? Goddamn do I want this. (Agent Bedhead)

Aw, what the crap. The only Hollywood couple I actually give a fuck about breaks up? Am I going to go for the cheap Matt Damon joke? No. Instead, I blame that squeaky voice, which would drive any man to the edge of madness. (WIMB)

Speaking of Hollywood couples - actually, let’s just go ahead and agree that we are doomed as a species, people. And we fucking deserve it. (Gallery of the Absurd)

Alright, Pajiba Foodies: Prepare to simultaneously be completely revolted and disturbingly aroused. What? That’s just me? Aw, go screw. (via The Onion) After the jump.

Pajiba Love | July 15, 2008 | Comments (40)


Pajiba Love is temporarily being brought to you by TK, who is pinch hitting for Stacey Nosek this week. You can email him here.


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Comments

One of the guys who was staying at the beach house with me last week was reading Tucker Max's book and declared him one of the "funniest motherfuckers he's ever read." So me and two of my girlfriends took turns reading the essay about when he first had anal sex with a model (uh huh) he was sleeping with, and it became a videotaped shit, lube, and vomit encrusted mess.

It was not funny. And not because it came across as incredibly insensitive and douchetastic. Which it was, but I can't bring myself to get worked up about some random asshole who I'll never read again, just as I won't read other people who bug me...it's because his sense of humor and writing style bored me to tears.

Posted by: Julie at July 15, 2008 3:50 PM

TK,

It did not happen. No stinking Belgium company bought Anheuser-Busch. It DID NOT happen. The city of St. Louis will not be losing one of it's most well known things. Busch Stadium will not be renamed InBev Stadium. Nor will Busch Gardens. There will still be Clydesdales. In short, America will not be losing one of our best known and appreciated symbols.

Thank you for your corporation.

Melody (a St. Louis resident in absentia)

Posted by: Melody at July 15, 2008 3:51 PM

Wait a minute here. Entenmann's is owned by a foreign company? Well, there goes my evening. I was planning on eating an entire box of chocolate frosted donuts and now they just won't taste the same.

Posted by: Kolby at July 15, 2008 3:59 PM

What makes Needledick Max's response all the more laughable is his claim that Michael Ian Black is drafting off Max's book campaign to hype Black's book. While neither of them is exactly a household name, MIB was already finding success on television at a time when Max's lies about his sexual conquests were limited to regaling a dozen drunk frat boys playing "I'm so totally not gay" grabass in someone's basement.

That Max took the bait and is helping to publicize Black's initial "challenge" would be sad, if it weren't proving the douchetasticness of his utter doucheroddery.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at July 15, 2008 4:00 PM

Oh, my God, is it ever not funny for somebody to write "needledick"? Thanks for the much-needed laugh, socalled.

Posted by: samantha t at July 15, 2008 4:19 PM

Yiiiikes. Those Jolie-Pitt worshippers creep me the fuuck out. Whacko #8 calling Angelina a "matyr," added a whole new level of crazy to this weirdo stew. Does this mean they're going to sacrifice her to the wannabe celebrity stalker gods? And I just "luv luv luv!" how one is going all "Better Homes and Gardens" on the races of her children. "Oooh, I know!! Next they should get a indian one, or a exkimo!!!! That would be sooooo CUTE!!Like an adorable, angelic, holy rainbow of LOoOoVE. LOL" Ugh, I need to drink some black coffee and bang my head against the wall now.

Posted by: Erin at July 15, 2008 4:20 PM

I can't watch the video with sound on at work, but the news crawler at the bottom of the Onion News Network had me cracking up.

Posted by: Julie at July 15, 2008 4:23 PM

Oh, my. I've loved Michael Ian Black since his days on the state, and his post cracked me up.

What was even funnier was the way-too-convincing-to-be-ironic vitriol he was getting from Tucker Max's minions in the comments. Methinks they love their idol a bit too much...

Mr. Black, you just let me know if you think you'll be needing some protection in the days to come. Ahem.

And well done TK on an all-around kickass PajibaLove!

Posted by: ShinyKate at July 15, 2008 4:38 PM

When will people stop perpetuating the myth that Sarah Silverman is in ANY WAY funny? It must end and she must go away. Seriously, I'd feel sorry for her and her embarrassingly lame attempts at "shocking comedy" if she weren't so freaking annoying.

Posted by: cmoody at July 15, 2008 4:50 PM

can somebody hit Tucker Max with a brick? Please?

Posted by: roXet at July 15, 2008 4:58 PM

"....Like an adorable, angelic, holy rainbow of LOoOoVE. LOL".....oh, godtopus help us. I keep thinking of a line I read recently... "they're not Skittles, Angie, they're CHILDREN."

Posted by: nancy at July 15, 2008 5:08 PM

Oh I do love The Onion. Maybe I'll buy it when I get disgustingly rich. Oh and yea...I'm a foreigner (this applies no matter which country I'm in).

I almost woke up my nephew (and suffered my sister's wrath) while reading those Brangeloonies comments. That's comedy gold right there! Why aren't they on youtube or something? Fuck Chris Crocker, these guys are the shit.

Julie, good to see you back, I missed your special brand of batshit ;-)

Posted by: Joker at July 15, 2008 5:32 PM

The good thing about it Charlene, was that 24 hours later, the boil opened and I was able to get the puss out. the core was very large (I have a hole in my arm right now from where the core was - I can fit my iPod shuffle in it though, so no worries!) I was able to get out enough of the core to grab it with tweezers and pull it out all of the way. I cleaned out the hole, packed with gauze and now I'm ready to heal! I swear to god that's the last time I ever go on a month-long cocaine bender in Mississip... Hold on a sec...

GODDAMIT! I'm on the wrong friggin' site again...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 15, 2008 5:33 PM

Skitt, I'm not even joking, I'll marry you as soon as the law allows for inter-species marriages.

Posted by: Joker at July 15, 2008 5:35 PM

Kick his ass, MIB!!!!

Sarah Silverman is not that funny. The only barely entertaining thing about her was her show, and that was because her sister and Brian Posehn was on there diluting the suck. Oh and of course the Matt Damon thing, but that was built off of the joke about Kimmel constantly bumping him of the show. And I can't say anything about "Jesus is Magic", since I haven't saw it yet.

That said, I would still like to have intimate relations with her. Over and over again. And especially in the positions that make baby Godtopus spray ink. And if her sister would like to make it hot Jewess-on-Jewess action, I would not be displeased.

Posted by: Vermillion at July 15, 2008 5:37 PM

"Needledick" is usually pretty good for a laugh. In the same vein, I always crack up when Ray calls Walter Peck "dickless" in "Ghostbusters." Also, is "gaping maw" ever not funny?

Posted by: Geetch at July 15, 2008 5:43 PM

With you, V; Sarah Silverman is in that select group of women, for whom I'm pretty sure nothing would be off the table in terms of degrading or unholy sexual acts. Even if she wouldn't do it, she would simply smile and say no.

Funny, I think her show was the weakest of her efforts that I've seen. I tried it a couple of times, liked Posehn pretty well, and thought the rest of it was shite. But I've seen her live act a couple of times and found her pretty good. Not great, but pretty okay. Jesus Is Magic is spotty but largely entertaining, especially the musical numbers.

I agree with the criticism I've heard that if she were a man or a marginally attractive female, she would get far less attention or validation. But where in our society is that not true, especially in the entertainment world? Jessica Alba, Rainbow Killer, Schmann "Schmabortion" Schmoulter (who looks like a trannie on a clotheshanger but is the best the far right crazies have to offer) -- all of these women are working way above their pay grade while far more talented women toil in obscurity.

I guess what I'm saying is that my penis applauds Ms. Silverman and her successes.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at July 15, 2008 5:51 PM

See, since I hadn't been able to see her live shows, I wouldn't really know. But we are weirdly similar in tastes, so I will take your word for it. And I wholeheartedly agree with the rest of your comment.

I may be biased towards her show due to her sucking the thumb (and apparently more) of Black God.

Posted by: Vermillion at July 15, 2008 6:03 PM

Yes, those gun givin' freaks are Baptists, but they are SOUTHERN Baptists. Don't lump those motherfuckers in with me. I'm AMERICAN Baptist. What's the difference? Let's begin with the split in the church around the time of the Civil War when one half of the church wanted to keep their slaves and the other half thought it was wrong.

Posted by: wsapnin at July 15, 2008 6:11 PM

Yes, it's true. This man has no dick.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at July 15, 2008 6:16 PM

I may be biased towards her show due to her sucking the thumb (and apparently more) of Black God.

Which is generally why I have a soft spot for her (to go along with my more firm spot) -- shocking just to shock is nutritious for our cultural intellect. I like her live act just because of all the offended people in the audience, the disapproving murmurs and outraged gasps. Like, um, what the hell did they think they were getting?

Is her envelope-pushing calculated? "Hells" and "yes." But I appreciate people who walk out to the edge; it makes it safer for the rest of us.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at July 15, 2008 6:17 PM

While I appreciate what Sarah Silverman is trying to accomplish, I don't enjoy her show. I tried. It was too grating. I actually feel the same about Kimmel. The world was much safer while they were together.

The Onion News Network shouldn't give Yum! brands any ideas. And the news scrolls at the bottom are hilarious.

Posted by: greer at July 15, 2008 6:36 PM

Skitt: Once again, you have simultaneously revolted me and made me laugh until I cough up a lung. Literally. It's lying beside my keyboard. I know I should put it back in there, but I'm not too sure how. Is there a doctor in the thread?

And Poor, poor Kimmerman. They made a nice couple. Oh well, at least we have Amy Poehler/Will Arnett.

Posted by: Jeremy at July 15, 2008 6:43 PM

You know socalled, I agree with it being good to shock. But, when its so obviously desperate the way her "comedy" is, I just feel embarrassed for her. Its like I can hear her saying "please find me shocking and then just maybe you won't realize that I have no actual talent." And that just makes me sad for her, but then I actually hear her annoying whining voice and start hating her all over again. It is a shame that she and Jimmy broke up, those two fucks were so annoying as to be perfect for each other.

Posted by: cmoody at July 15, 2008 6:44 PM

You know socalled, I agree with it being good to shock. But, when its so obviously desperate the way her "comedy" is, I just feel embarrassed for her. Its like I can hear her saying "please find me shocking and then just maybe you won't realize that I have no actual talent." And that just makes me sad for her, but then I actually hear her annoying whining voice and start hating her all over again. It is a shame that she and Jimmy broke up, those two fucks were so annoying as to be perfect for each other.

Posted by: cmoody at July 15, 2008 6:45 PM

Okay, her voice was annoying. So among those degrading things I think she might let one do would be the ball gag. Perhaps that's how she and JK stood each other: permanent ball-gag rule in the bedroom.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at July 15, 2008 6:47 PM

beer is the LEAST of belgium's concerns right now

Posted by: iguanodonna at July 15, 2008 6:50 PM

Belgium!

I'm just upset that Bass sold their own damn brewery to buy Holiday Inns and "The Cream of Manchester" Boddingtons is now brewed in Wales and Scotland.

The labyrinth of ownership ends at InBev apparently, and they were already both being imported by Anheuser-Busch, and the InBev site still says "brewed in Manchester" because some cask ale is (and the closing of the brewery in Strangeways for competitive efficiency's sake left a....bitter *snort*...taste in Mancunians' mouths), and Bass is still "in Burton upon Trent" except for the beer that is exported to the US.

Who the fuck is actually making my English beer and WHERE?????

Posted by: Jay at July 15, 2008 6:54 PM

beer is the LEAST of belgium's concerns right now

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080715/ap_on_re_eu/belgium_government_3

Golly, you are correct!

Reap your seeds of beer hubris!!

Posted by: Jay at July 15, 2008 6:57 PM

r.e. The Onion video clip:

The scary part about the feed bag is that a lot of people might think that it's a great idea. Kinda like those KFC Famous Bowls that Patton Oswalt hates so much.

Posted by: DGM at July 15, 2008 9:06 PM

The feedbag brings us one step closer to our hoverchairs and lunch in a cup.

You say that like those are bad things. -TK

Posted by: wsapnin at July 15, 2008 9:19 PM

Sarah "bat-my-eyes-while-I-say-something-shocking-and-act-all-cute-as-I-throw a coy look over my shoulder" Silverman? Pass.

Posted by: QueBarbara at July 15, 2008 10:05 PM

If you think Michael Ian Black's comments are funny, check out the comments on Tucker Max's site. Those people are keeping the Hilton, Lohan, and Pussycat Dolls' careers alive. The only way I want this "fight" to "really" happen is if the rest of The State do a run-in and administer an ol' school wrasslin' beatdown, complete with steel chairs as Max' "fans" boo and cry over their fallen "hero". Then film the foolish thing and make it a bonus feature in the upcoming The State (complete series) DVD. Hell, I'll pre-orders copies of that right now!

Posted by: David at July 15, 2008 11:01 PM

I was seduced by those commercials for the KFC famous bowls! It looked good on TV. But it was horrible, I would call it a hot mess but it's KFC so it was more of a slightly warm, almost room temperature mess.

Posted by: Jess at July 16, 2008 1:25 AM

beer is the LEAST of belgium's concerns right now

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080715/ap_on_re_eu/belgium_government_3

Golly, you are correct!

Reap your seeds of beer hubris!!

Bof, this crisis will pass as well, I can't imagine living in a yet smaller country.

Besides, I don't even recognize InBev as a Belgian company, given the majority of the board of directors is made up of Brazilians. http://www.inbev.com/go/corporate_governance/organization_chart.cfm

Blame Bernardo Pinto Paiva, not us puny little Belgionians.

Heehee, Pinto...

Posted by: Adere at July 16, 2008 5:21 AM

Other David,

I was staring at the comment for like 5 minutes trying to remember whether I actually wrote it, but I didn't.

Hello, other David. With our powers combined, we can create a comment monopoly.

Posted by: David at July 16, 2008 10:21 AM

MIB is awesome. He alone can describe in depth the best way to cajole a girl into doing anal and still be endearing (twaddling, anyone??). Tucker Max, the dry heave of the internets, could take lessons.

Posted by: Mella at July 16, 2008 11:56 AM

upcoming The State (complete series) DVD

David (or other David), really? is this finally actually really happening? I hadn't heard... not that I'll hold my breath until i am gripping the box for dear life in my sweaty little palms... but really?

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at July 16, 2008 2:12 PM

upcoming The State (complete series) DVD

David (or possibly other David), really? is this finally, really, actually happening? I hadn't heard this joyous piece of news... not that i'll be holding my breath, at least not until i'm gripping the actual physical box in my sweaty little hands for dear life... but really? really and truly?

huzzah!

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at July 16, 2008 2:16 PM

oops. the internet ate my comment.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at July 16, 2008 3:22 PM