What kind of numbnuts doesn’t use their parking brake? Oh, uhh … Nevermind, then. (QuizLaw)
Dane Cook and “Dog Poop” finally find their way into a headline together. Now who is gonna be the first to tell me they don’t believe in fate? (Celebitchy)
In celebrity baby news, the McConaughey clan continues their Idiocracy-esque tradition of naming their McConaughspawn after brand names (WIMB) and Jamie Lynn shows off her hairless, old-man monkey creature. (WIMB)
OK already? You people are chomping at the bit for a review of Beck’s new album — so I went straight to one of the most informed music bloggers I know. (MixTapeTherapy)
Not to discredit my other favorite music bloggers, who are schooling us on metal this time around. (MusicIsTheMessage)
And in more hilarious music news — somebody done snatched Marilyn Manson’s broke-ass weave. (Yeeeah!)
Contrary to popular opinion, the South American Capybara — not Spencer Pratt — is the world’s largest living rodent. (AnimalReview)
Jeremy “Jerkface” Piven openly taunts law enforcement and is begging for the business end of a taser if you ask me. (Celebslam)
Yeah, so anyway, this is why I keep linking Jezebel: because I like knowing I’m not the only 30-year-old who peruses and occasionally shops from the Delia*s catalog. (Jezebel)
The latest election poll says that people who own pets are more likely to vote for John McCain. I would like to know what entire percentage of those polled actually give their cats first, middle and last names. Shenanigans! (CC Insider)
After the jump: I have no idea what in the fuck this is, but I found it on Evil Beet and it made me snerk, so I’m reposting it for your enjoyment/bewilderment.
Stace, you don't need Jezebel to tell you 30-year-olds buy shit from Delia's. Some of their stuff is cute, and it's cheap as hell.
I have a pet (with just a name, no middle and no last, because those shenanigans are for freaks and retards) and I am most definitely not more inclined to vote for McCain. First, because I don't believe in John McCain, and second because his face kind of freaks me out. I know he had skin grafts on his nose and cheek, but why does his entire HEAD look like a skin graft? It ain't right.
Talking dogs also kind of freak me out, but I love that crazy ass video. My favourite part is that they will no longer be treated like cucarachas. I don't know why, but that's hilarious to me. When's the last time you saw a celebutard with a cockroach in a tiny Burberry hat lounging in her handbag?
I think I'll spend the rest of the week yelling "NO MAS!" at random passersby. It should be fun for everyone. But mostly me.
I desperately hope that someone does a real-time review of Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I really do.
Also, the jump link is broken.
Posted by: WhitRD at July 9, 2008 4:00 PM
Parking brake.
Posted by: Mella at July 9, 2008 4:02 PM
And now I wish I could take it back. Shit like that makes me feel like an asshole.
Apologies.
Posted by: Mella at July 9, 2008 4:08 PM
HA! When I saw the link about Dane Cook and Dog Poop, I thought "Dog Poop" was a pseudonym in that Pajiba way of renaming people to avoid the google spider(see: Rainbow Killer, The). And I was really curious to see who'd earned the Dog Poop moniker (at the same time I was a little worried about how lame this naming convention was growing).
Instead, at 140 pounds of rodent, the capybara has really embraced the whole 'being a rat' thing.
WHY is this the first time I'm hearing about "Animal Review"? It's great, and it's got information about things that actually exist in the real world (gasp!), instead of the movie- and TV-spawned fantasy lands most of us inhabit, most of the day.
Posted by: Todd at July 9, 2008 4:21 PM
I volunteer to do the review of Beverly Hills Chihuahua. You good people have suffered enough, let someone else take the hit this time.
I just went to the Boston Zoo for the first time on Sunday. I used to not be a zoo person, because I always felt bad for the animals cooped up in those small enclosures. And while that's still true in part, I've overcome that feeling in exchange for an awesome day of animal gazing...especially under the haze of ganja.
And YES, I saw a capybara. It was as magnificent as it sounds. The thing was staring straight at me the ENTIRE TIME I LOOKED AT IT. I think we fell in love a little bit, until I moved on to the white tiger waking from its nap with its tongue lolling out of its ginormous mouth. Sorry, capybara, but I'm more into big felines. No hard feelings.
Posted by: JMK at July 9, 2008 4:29 PM
Before there were the jeans there was the Levi in the Bible. Old Testament son of Jacob and Leah....head of the Levite tribe. I'm thinking that's where they got the name from. Then again, they could just be fucking retarded.
Posted by: megan at July 9, 2008 4:32 PM
I desperately hope that someone does a real-time review of Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I really do.
What happens after ten minutes in, when the reviewer claws their eyeballs out?
And what's with the McConaghate? He's adorable. Naked bongo playing arrest. That is how he will always be in my heart.
And he's populating the world with little hims. How is this a bad thing?
Posted by: twig at July 9, 2008 4:41 PM
1. Sarina, I appreciate your vote of confidence. Now if you could only make my smarmy boyfriend stop haughtily reminding me that the models in the Delia*s catalog are half my age every time I read it, that'd be perfect.
2. I had no idea the chihuahua thing was really a movie. NO. IDEA.
3. I don't care what anyone says: maybe the publicist put the bible spin on it, but McConaughey named that fucking kid after jeans. What? Huh? No talkey! I've made my ruling.
Ok, so that was lame, but seriously, y'all are my peeps around here, and I've had a rough day. So could you please drop by the metal post and give it a little time? I just need...something to feel good about today. M'kay?
Thanks, and I really do love you guys. I mean, I make references to Stacey, Sarina, Nicole, Kolby, and all the rest of you guys like you are my actual friends in real life.
And he's populating the world with little hims. How is this a bad thing?
A herd of giant-headed, Tyrannosaur-armed tiny tots named Levi, Wrangler, Oshkosh, and True Religion, running around yelling, "Uncle Rooster!" while playing with their cousins Miller Lyte, Pabst, Michelob, and Zima (the only girl in the family), not to mention smelling up the joint because they're allergic to shirts and common hygiene products? Yeah, that sounds awesome.
Of course, I may or may not be biased due to the fact that I don't believe in Matthew McConaughey. Except, of course, for when he is being eaten by a dragon.
The latest election poll says that people who own pets are more likely to vote for John McCain. I would like to know what entire percentage of those polled actually give their cats first, middle and last names.
Actually, my cat is named Huey P. Newton. But only because he hates whitey.
Posted by: jM at July 9, 2008 5:07 PM
boo,
You're so metal and you don't even know it.
And I'll be your friend.
I make good chocolate chip pancakes! We can listen to Slayer, "Reign in Blood", while we mix batter.
Posted by: David at July 9, 2008 5:11 PM
And what's with the McConaghate? He's adorable. Naked bongo playing arrest. That is how he will always be in my heart.
Twig, you are forgetting the best part of the arrest. He was high. Very, very high while naked and playing the bongos.
The mug shot is a personal favorite. How loud and obnoxious do you have to be to get arrested in Austin, TX?
Posted by: Melody at July 9, 2008 5:17 PM
Sarina: I have puttanesca sauce crusting in my hair, there's cumin under my finger nails, and I smell like salmon. Yet, through your magic, you have made me laugh. You know what that means... BURN THE WITCH! I'm kidding, but thank you.
Boo: You're so metal, you shit pennies. You and David enjoy your pancakes!
Posted by: Jeremy at July 9, 2008 5:25 PM
"... BURN THE WITCH!"
You know, I get that a lot. Do you think it might have something to do with my soulless and infinite evil?
...did someone say pancakes? Yeah I can even smell the word. Seriously though...I want pancakes.
I officially love that chihuahua movies...Sarina, I'd love to be one of the people you yell "NO MAS!" at...so that I can yell back at you "Cucaracha!". I'm going to go around calling people cucarachas. That's a bitchin' insult right there.
I like M.M. Leave the man alone...he has cute dimples, a hot body and he likes to take his clothes off. Does your precious Ryan Reynolds take his shirt off all the time? No. And whyever the fuck not?! Prude.
Posted by: Joker at July 9, 2008 5:37 PM
JEREMY!
I miss you.
Posted by: David at July 9, 2008 5:45 PM
Speaking of missing people, I miss Julie. When's she coming back? Saturday? Sunday? I know she repeatedly said when, but I wasn't paying attention so I forgot.
Ryan might eschew shirts, if only his humorless sourpuss of an untalented beeyotch girlfriend (they are not engaged...shut UP, I said they are NOT ENGAGED) would allow it.
My husband mentioned the other day that women are lucky because the vagina can always provide an orgasm for a man, but that men aren't so lucky because if their weenies are too small there's just nothing that can be done (Swedish penis enlargers notwithstanding). Afer all, he said, rock-hard pecs never brought a woman to the brink. True, said I, but moobs have prevented MANY women from orgasming.
And who says it's the penis' fault anyway? As one of my favorite sayings goes, "It's not the ankle's fault if the sock falls down."
What were we...? Oh yeah. Ryan Reynolds is hot.
Posted by: Mella at July 9, 2008 5:49 PM
Why is it that whenever I watch the videos that come with these Pajiba Loves I feel like someone just hit me in the face with a shovel? And then when I try to explain to the other people in the room, they're all "Sure, Shay. Talking chihuahuas planning taco-related revolution. Also maybe squirrels. Why don't you just put down the cough medicine and go to sleep?" Probably for the best...
Posted by: Shay at July 9, 2008 5:50 PM
David: Chocolate chip and lime zest pannywanny hoohaa's (as they are called in my house) topped with real whipped cream and a berry sauce! Fuck yes, that makes me feel loads better. You rock. You too Jeremy. And I'm totally stealing and tweaking your line. Love it.
"It's not the ankle's fault if the sock falls down."
HA HA HA HA HA ha ha ha!!!! Thanks Melia. I needed that.
Wevs, Sarina, I will never complain about the sweaty, tousled herds roaming the wilds of my McConaghy No-Kill Nature Preserve (and Ice Cream Emporium).
Posted by: twig at July 9, 2008 7:03 PM
Hey now! J&D, the two of you gotta find another place to do your dirty business - someone else 'round these here parts did the frisky whatchamacallit in the captain's seat, and there were stains that were both a pain in the ass to get rid of as well as explain. You say you've got your own perv blanket? Fantastic. Just know that if that sumanabitch needs to be fired up and deployed there will be no time taken to allow you and yours to "take a moment" to either finish, get dressed or god forbid, snuggle. This tank was built with a mission in mind, and that mission is unbridled hate drizzled in a bitter sauce of chipolte-flavored snark. And Godtopus help you should any... anything get dipped, dumped, dropped or dripped into the whiskey fountain... I'm serious now, boys.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 9, 2008 7:21 PM
I am so pissed I missed the pancake conversation. I just ate dinner, but I'm seriously contemplating throwing together some fluffy banana pancakes and slathering them with Nutella. And then eating them very slowly, with a glass of ice cold milk. Good Godtopus, thank goodness I'm eating for 2 (or maybe 6).
And Sarina - I may not believe in John McCain either, but I think it might be because his unnaturally short arms scare the living shit out of me. When he's speaking and he raises his arms to make a point, I scream and change the channel.
Posted by: Kolby at July 9, 2008 7:43 PM
Boo - I talk about you guys all the time, too. In my world, we're all buddies. Maybe we should start a Pajiba-mune, where we can all live in snarky bliss far, far away from the rest of the world.
Posted by: Kolby at July 9, 2008 7:45 PM
"I volunteer to do the review of Beverly Hills Chihuahua. You good people have suffered enough, let someone else take the hit this time."
Mike R., I saw the full trailer for this foolishness when we saw "Wall-E" this past weekend. You might want to reconsider.
And is Dane Cook going to vote for John McCain? Clearly he has a pet. This is a thought that may keep me from my rest.
And, Stace, props for using the phrase "broke-ass weave". I can't thank you enough.
Posted by: greer at July 9, 2008 7:47 PM
I will never complain about the sweaty, tousled herds roaming the wilds of my McConaghy No-Kill Nature Preserve (and Ice Cream Emporium).
twig, Jurassic Park had ice cream, too. They spared no expense! And you know what happened? That's right, almost everybody's ass got eaten. For crying out loud, all that was left of Samuel L. (Motherfucking) Jackson was a gnawed-off arm! So I guess what I'm saying is, you are only safe frolicking in the McConaughWilds Nature Preserve and Tyrannosaur-Armed Freakshow if you are one or more of the following:
a) Sam Niell in a stupid hat
b) Laura Dern
c) Jeff Goldblum in obnoxious glasses
d) A small, annoying child
e) David Attenborough (unless you're going by the actual novel, in which case Hammond's ass gets eaten, too)
Kolby knows what I'm talking about. People like McConaughey and McCain and the rest of their McStump-Armed ilk ain't natural. Arms like that just make me think of the dinosaur in Meet the Robinsons, and that shit doesn't make for any kind of proper sex symbol OR national figurehead.
Greer, I saw the trailer as well. It looks painful, but I'll do it. My cousins made me sit through a lot of shitty Disney movies that I still hate to this day. Send a maniac to catch a maniac...
Well all right Mike, but don't act like I never told you.
"...d) A small, annoying child"
Now, Sarina, don't tell me you were secretly hoping one of those little children would get eaten by a dinosaur? Go on. Don't lie.
Posted by: greer at July 9, 2008 9:05 PM
I most certainly was not secretly hoping. My fervent hope was right out in the open for all the world to see.
Posted by: Sarina at July 9, 2008 9:16 PM
Sarina - it was actually Richard and not David Attenborough...Although I have to say the idea of David Attenborough getting eaten by a dinosaur is amusing...like, would he narrate what was happening the whole way down??
Suddenly the concept of Jurassic Park being a David Attenborough documentary is appealing to me...heh...put that in your 'Life Collection' and smoke it...
Oh, and any Australian worth their salt (ie, they watch Spicks and Specks) should know what a mondegreen is, and should have known for about the last 2 or so years...
Eh. Richard Attenborough, David Attenborough, same difference. Old British dude builds a dinosaur island and gets eaten. Although yes, it would have been terribly amusing if they had actually filmed Hammond's death scene with David Attenborough narrating. He'd be all, "It appears my intestines are being eaten by a pack of Procompsognathus."
it was actually Richard and not David Attenborough...Although I have to say the idea of David Attenborough getting eaten by a dinosaur is amusing...like, would he narrate what was happening the whole way down??
That's a belly-laugher right there.
And I really like Sam Neill's hat in Jurassic Park. And Jeff Goldblum... always. Jurassic Park is a really good movie. Really.
Posted by: Lannie at July 9, 2008 10:22 PM
I too suffered through the BV Chihuahua trailer before seeing Wall-E, and I almost walked out. Of the trailer, people. I'm not sure any Pajiban could survive the torture of the full movie, but maybe before the reviewer expires, s/he will produce one transcendent work of genius and the requisite three miracles for sainthood.
It's that bad.
Posted by: Gavin at July 10, 2008 12:32 AM
Please heed the warnings about the chihuahua movie! This is a film that will draw lines in the sand! People will look differently at ones they thought they knew until they mentioned how "cute" those single-minded hordes of rat-dogs were. Parents will lose respect for their own offspring as they have to resist the merchandising onslaught.
Mediocre good thing x 1,000,000 - soul + dead mother = Disney.
Posted by: mfg at July 10, 2008 12:48 AM
Thanks for the warning, Greer. I don't know why, but I'm fond of putting myself in precarious situations like this. I blame the lack of 24 and Doctor Who adventures. I have to keep the adrenaline up somehow.
I of course didn't say that a vagina can always provide an orgasm, I was quoting my husband. And of course my husband was speaking in the most general of terms, as I'm certain Madonna's dusty old vergina ain't provided an orgasm in many a fortnight.
And let's be honest, some vaginas are so questionable of cleanliness and exotic-disease-freeness (Amy Winehouse, Courtney Love) or are attached to such a rabid humorless bitch (The Heig) that a penis would be hard-pressed to even get up, let alone off. I assure you, I don't believe for a minute that a vagina can always provide an orgasm.
Posted by: Mella at July 10, 2008 10:33 AM
Look people.
Chihuahuas are NOT dogs. They are a rodent. A domesticated rodent with bug eyes. They are creepy, soulless creatures that are not cute nor cuddly. They will cause you to eat at Taco Hell until you think that you will die. They will take your soul, put it in a Chalupa shell and feed it to their master, Satan. They will get more sadistic as they age, using those rodent teeth to remove unsuspecting people's Achilles tendons. Be afraid people. Very afraid.
Chihuahuas are evil. They will destroy us all if we let them. We must fight the evil of the chihuahuas.
Down with chihuahuas! Down with chihuahuas!
Posted by: Melody at July 10, 2008 10:47 AM
Mediocre good thing x 1,000,000 - soul + dead mother = Disney.
Brilliant.
Posted by: twig at July 10, 2008 11:50 AM
I feel strangely immaterial to these conversations. How unusual.
Sarina, welcome back! Julie said she was going to the beach for 10 days on the third, so she should be back Sunday. Mark your calendars.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at July 10, 2008 12:11 PM
Chihuahuas are food.
And as much as it disappoints me to say, that ain't Marilyn Manson.
Posted by: Stew at July 10, 2008 12:17 PM
Went to see Wall-E, and was exposed to that chihuahua trailer--twice (there was a bit of a problem with the projector, so we got a repeat, just in case we didn't get enough of the rat dog the first time).
The kid said can we see that? I told him over my dead body. Speaking as a dog lover & owner, I second the previous posters who pointed this out--chihuahuas are not dogs. They are rats who had work done to look like dogs.
Why they would do this--once, I was listing to a conversation between my mom and some other lady (I did not know her), when the lady's boob started moving--by itself, while she was sitting. She had a chihuahua in her bra, to keep the animal warm (it was a chilly day). Now, would anyone put a RAT in her bra? But a chihuahua? At least one human did it.
Posted by: Blue_in_OC at July 10, 2008 1:24 PM
"I will never complain about the sweaty, tousled herds roaming the wilds of my McConaghy No-Kill Nature Preserve (and Ice Cream Emporium)."
"twig, Jurassic Park had ice cream, too. They spared no expense! And you know what happened? That's right, almost everybody's ass got eaten."
May I interject something here? I really don't mind if MM eats my ass, if that's what he's into. Just don't kiss me afterwards. And I want Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, please.
Posted by: Mistress Violet at July 10, 2008 3:13 PM
Stace, you don't need Jezebel to tell you 30-year-olds buy shit from Delia's. Some of their stuff is cute, and it's cheap as hell.
I have a pet (with just a name, no middle and no last, because those shenanigans are for freaks and retards) and I am most definitely not more inclined to vote for McCain. First, because I don't believe in John McCain, and second because his face kind of freaks me out. I know he had skin grafts on his nose and cheek, but why does his entire HEAD look like a skin graft? It ain't right.
Talking dogs also kind of freak me out, but I love that crazy ass video. My favourite part is that they will no longer be treated like cucarachas. I don't know why, but that's hilarious to me. When's the last time you saw a celebutard with a cockroach in a tiny Burberry hat lounging in her handbag?
I think I'll spend the rest of the week yelling "NO MAS!" at random passersby. It should be fun for everyone. But mostly me.