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Pajiba Love 07/02/09 | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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But What About Bubbles?

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | July 2, 2009 | Comments (41)

Since the big question on everyone’s mind for the past week has been “What ever happened to Bubbles the chimpanzee?” CNN finally decided to do a little crack reporting and find out. (DListed)

One of the Jonas Brothers has gotten engaged. What is it with these Christian boy bands and getting married by the time you can drink? (Webster’s)

There’s a Star Wars fan movie contest going on over at atom, and you can head over and vote for your favorite! Or, you know, laugh at all the nerds. (atom)

Karl Malden has passed away at the ripe old age of 97. (Rope of Silicon)

Sia did a stripped-down version of “Breathe Me” — as in, the famous “Six Feet Under” song — for KCRW in Los Angeles, and I only made it a few seconds in before my whole body was covered in goosebumps. (Deus Ex Malcontent)

Here’s a list of the ten most fascinating bank robberies in movies. (Spout)

I’m completely fascinated by the upcoming movie Antichrist although I will probably never, ever, EVER see it. Weak stomach and all. (Bloody Disgusting)

This is the cutest craiglist personal ad ever. And you know, I bet she reads Pajiba, too. Thanks to Alison! (craigslist)

Any East Coast ‘jibans headed to The Jerz this weekend? In celebration of the 4th of July, here are some screen shots from a documentary filmed in Wildwood, NJ in 1992. (FourFour)

Everybody’s waiting to see if Megan Fox will turn ingrate against Diablo Cody like she did Michael Bay. Or as the new terminology goes, “Heigls herself.” (Agent Bedhead)

Hmm… Were Michael Jackson and Billy Mays deaths connected in some way? No, no they weren’t. But this is kinda weird anyway. (Screen Junkies)

Just in case you were wondering, yes, Hayden Panettiere does get naked in I Love You, Beth Cooper. (Yeeeah!)

Was Ted Danson really a sex symbol in the 80’s? Here he is doing a PSA warning young girls to steer clear of pick up lines, and he is decidedly just fucking creepy.

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

Congratulations...now I have one more person to add to my list of people I'm afraid will randomly walk into my room and attack me while I sleep. That brings the list to about five so far.

- The King (You goddamn know why)
- Michael Bay (For spoiling the script to Transformers 3. Apparently he IS going to explode Megan Fox's tits in the next one, and she WILL have robot balls.)
- Stephen King (Have you SEEN the Maximum Overdrive trailer?!)
- Sarah Jessica Parker (though I could hear her clopping a mile away)
- Ted Danson

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at July 2, 2009 1:29 PM

In order of randomness:
Monsieur Pazienza always brings the goods, music-wise.

I wonder if that Craigslist ad was the author of Indexed.

One hopes that I love you Beth Cooper is more like the book than the trailer would imply.

Posted by: octothorp at July 2, 2009 1:32 PM

What is it with these Christian boy bands and getting married by the time you can drink?

No, what is the deal with CHRISTIANS getting married before they can drink? I live in the buckle of the Bible Belt. All of these Christians believe that they can't have sex until they are married. So what do they do? They marry the first person that they want to fuck, usually right out of HIGH SCHOOL. Then, a couple of years later, after they have squirted out a couple of obnoxious little cum stains, they realize that they can't fucking stand the person they married, and they get divorced. Because apparently God will smite you if you stick your dick in anything without his express written permission, but abandoning your wife and kids is A-O Fucking K.

Seriously, I am 28 and I know at least 5 people my age who are married, divorced, and remarried. Or virgins.

Posted by: Blakemas! at July 2, 2009 1:45 PM

OK, making me click on the Breathe Me link in the middle of the day is just cruel. Sobbing...

Posted by: Cindy at July 2, 2009 1:49 PM

Ted is much easier on the eyes these days. All I can focus on in that video is the fact that his eyes are freaky close to each other. He looks like a puppet.

Ted Danson: Dirty Dan Muppet Man

Posted by: Cindy at July 2, 2009 1:53 PM

Everybody’s waiting to see if Megan Fox will turn ingrate against Diablo Cody like she did Michael Bay.
---
This gives me an opportunity to quote David Denby's awesome first line of his TNY review:

"Transformers: The Revenge of the Fallen," directed by the stunningly, almost viciously, untalented Michael Bay ...

Posted by: , (the commenter etc. etc.) at July 2, 2009 1:56 PM

but abandoning your wife and kids is A-O Fucking K

Not true Blakemas, I have a good Christian friend who married young, has four kids and his wife is BAT SHIT FUCKING CRAZY (institutionalized twice and counting), but his family has talked him out of divorce several time because he will go to Hell if he leaves her.

I'm glad I'm an atheist.

Posted by: Xtreme at July 2, 2009 2:04 PM

Kevin Jonas is 21.

Posted by: Amy at July 2, 2009 2:07 PM

Hey Blakemas!, I was married at twenty-one and still am ten years later. Of course you can start drinking at 19 here (and I promise, I waited) and I wasn't even close to virginal. Oh, and I'm not devoutly religious. Come to think of it, you may be on to something.

I almost threw my manties at the computer screen listening to Ted woo me.

Posted by: admin at July 2, 2009 2:08 PM

Why in the world did he make this PSA?

He played a sicko, daughter-loving incestuous father in "Something About Amelia" in 1984. Did he think he was being ironic or that nobody would remember? I can't watch a Shirley Temple movie anymore without thinking of him leering at the tv screen. Sqwuick!

Posted by: krix at July 2, 2009 2:09 PM

Meh... people ruin their lives just fine with only sex; if they want to use marriage as their excuse (unlike alcohol, hormones, boredom, etc.), let 'em.

Dammit, Craigslist girl is in Sydney? Fuck.

Posted by: Vermillion at July 2, 2009 2:13 PM

The Ted Danson thing is part of a larger series which has Justine AND Justin Bateman talking about sex.
80s power!!

Posted by: Sharon at July 2, 2009 2:15 PM

RE: Craigslist ad

What's a bunny boiler?

Posted by: BWeaves at July 2, 2009 2:16 PM

You know, I can't even say “Heigls herself” without double herniating my uvula.

Posted by: Bweaves at July 2, 2009 2:20 PM

"Fatal Attraction", BWeaves.

Posted by: Jay at July 2, 2009 2:21 PM

Any East Coast ‘jibans headed to The Jerz this weekend?

I'm already here ....

I thought that was me in one of those pictures, but then I remembered I wouldn't be caught dead with a Coors light.

I live in the buckle of the Bible Belt

No wonder you're so bitter...

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at July 2, 2009 2:28 PM

I didn't make the connection at all on the Heigling oneself, so I just assumed it was foghorning while faking an orgasm. I'm sure one of the endless stream of Heigl Haters can draw a comparison between the two.

Bubbles was one of the first things I looked up after MJ's death, because the opportunity to buy MJ's monkey is one that I would never forgive myself for passing up for two reasons.

1. You could prolly lick that monkey and get a residual high so powerful you'd sit huddled under a blanket contemplating how scary space is for at least a week.
2. That monkey is getting at least a third of Captain-Crazypants McBedazzledGlove's estate, free money from a monkey? Hell yes.

Posted by: Braski at July 2, 2009 2:58 PM

Kevin Jonas can have any girl he wants, but only saves it for marriage. That's understandable, plenty of people do that in the world. But even though he can have anyone, he chooses that piece of trash.

Now the Jonas brothers are officially the most loathsome yet retarded people our culture has known since George W. Bush.

Posted by: George at July 2, 2009 2:59 PM

Just remember this: According to the Hannah Bruckner of Yale University, those who take abstinence pledges (I'm looking at you Quee- I mean Jonas Brothers) are 13% more likely to engage in oral and anal sex, without a condom.

You know cause little pieces of rubber are the devil's tools. Someone should have notified Bristol Palin of that. And just to be safe, tell the 14 year old that it's okay to have sex with a 30 year old baseball player, just make sure he pulls out.

Posted by: bignick at July 2, 2009 3:00 PM

Not exactly the Hayden I'm interested in seeing naked.

Posted by: Sofía at July 2, 2009 3:03 PM

"Stripped down version of Breathe Me" is the second language barrier I've encountered on Pajiba. I thought Sia would be stripping as she sang and that it was so sad we'd cry.

The first language barrier was during a site survey and one of the questions read "How often do you use a segway?" I immediately assumed it was another word for subway, so naturally I answered "every day."

I'm a dork.

Posted by: Sofía at July 2, 2009 3:17 PM

Anna, I'm not bitter, just tired. There are at least 10 churches within 5 miles of my house. I live in the country! There aren't enough people living here to go to all of those churches! Where do they get their congregation?!?!?

In the northern part of my state (let's just say it rhymes with Falabama), there are still actual SNAKE HANDLING churches.

Posted by: Blakemas! at July 2, 2009 3:29 PM

I don't know. Penitierre(sp) looks like one of the chipmunk chicks.

Posted by: figgy at July 2, 2009 3:31 PM

You know, I find it very odd that people are so indignant about the idea that some people choose to stay a virgin until marriage. I mean, granted, it's not an easy thing to do, but I think it's kind of sweet. Sex is a powerful, intimate thing, or at least it should be, and there are a lot of people who can't be casual about it - even when they swear they can. I think the idea behind saving it for marriage is based more on the idea that you should want to share that kind of intimacy with a person that you have a solid commitment with and who is supposed to treat you with love and respect in every way, and not just anyone who might or might not even care about you at all. Does it always work out that way? Of course not, that's obvious, but ideally, it could.

As someone who went through one of the religious "purity" programs as a teenager, I remember the experience as a positive one and I was never made to think that I needed to marry the first guy I wanted to sleep with, simply because I wanted to have sex. It's more that I was taught that I should wait until I found someone who loved me enough to make themselves fully committed to me. The main lesson was that even though sex is a great, wonderful, fun thing, it's even better when you share that within a trusting, loving and committed relationship. Of course, now I realize you can have a relationship like that and not actually be married, but a bunch of Baptist Sunday school teachers are not going to admit that to a room full of horny teenagers.

Also, as a resident of northern Falabama, I can assure you that the only reason a lot of young people from here get married young isn't because they want to have sex and won't do it until they are married, but because most of them don't realize until it's too late that they have other options. Also, we do have SNAKE HANDLING CHURCHES (gasp) up here, but we never make anyone shake a snake if they don't want to. At least not on your first visit.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at July 2, 2009 4:52 PM

When I clicked on the link to see who the Jonas brother(do they even have individual names?)and his fiancee, I really expected to see something different - a plasticized barbie doll? Paris-Hilton wannabe? Britney Spears, circa 1999? Something like that.

I think marrying so young is inherently stupid, but I was kind of pleased to see this chick looks like a reasonably normal person.

Posted by: malechai at July 2, 2009 4:56 PM

ZombieNurse, what a well-put statement on abstinence. Personally, I feel that if someone wants to wait until he/she gets married, it's just as much an individual choice as spreading your legs without a condom. And you don't get STDs from abstinence, and you can't get pregnant. Though I do think that the Christian community (of which I belong) has certainly erred when it comes to sex education--either they talk only mechanics and say "Don't do it" or they turn sex into an evil activity, when the reality is somewhere in between. I can't tell you how many people I went to high school with who got themselves pregnant, simply because they didn't know safe sex practices, beyond "use a condom."

Although, I will add that it's very possible that Kevin Jonas has already fucked his fiancee? I clearly remember when young Taylor Hanson (of Hanson, another Christian boy-band) wed his dewy bride, there was DEFINITELY a bun in the oven. Time will tell, Pajibans. This "hairdresser" may pull a Bristol Palin, after all.

Posted by: bonnie at July 2, 2009 6:28 PM

but we never make anyone shake a snake if they don't want to.

Smooth move ending your abstinence post with that gem.

Bubbles it at some sort of chimp farm in Florida? Yeah, he's dead.

Posted by: katy at July 2, 2009 6:48 PM

ZombieNurse, I agree that some people around here probably get married not only for religious reasons, but because that is what they are expected to do. My college roommate is from Oneonta (thats awn-E-on-ta for you Yankees), had a high-school graduating class of 33, and she was one of the only girls to go to college, instead of staying home, getting married, and having kids.

But, the Jonas Brothers whole diatribe is that they wear their purity rings because Jesus doesn't want them to have sex until they get married. So one of them is getting married.

Besides, how is Mickey letting one of them get married? Teenage girls won't or shouldn't have tingly 'ginies for a married man.

Posted by: Blakemas! at July 2, 2009 7:44 PM

Well, I don't want to speak for everyone here, but I think I can safely say that most of the people who comment here don't really give a good goldurn about the actual virginity itself. I think the complaints stem more from the judgmental self-righteousness that sometimes* seems to go hand in hand with purity statements, especially from young people who are in the public eye, of course. That sneering, "Ew, you have sex before marriage?! Unclean. I'm way better than you" attitude. Honestly, I waited until I was 19, which is when I was ready. I was, in my younger days, "saving myself" for marriage, but then I realized that I didn't want marriage (though I did want sex). It's no less valid a lifestyle choice than virginity. And, by the way, not everyone who "spreads their legs" does so without a condom.

*Please note my use of the word sometimes. That indicates recognition that not everyone who is a virgin does that. Hell, I probably come across 72 virgins on a day-to-day basis without even knowing it. I don't think I got on the line for virgindar. And honestly, once again, I just don't care.

No complaint to those who speak up for abstinence; as you stated, very nicely I might add, it's quite the personal choice. Just my .02¢ on why people might seem indignant. (Of course, there are also those who think they're better just because they do have sex. They are also jackasses.)

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at July 2, 2009 7:48 PM

I fuck like a beast, and that makes me better than you!

So there!

Posted by: Blakemas! at July 2, 2009 8:03 PM

Please note my use of the word sometimes. That indicates recognition that not everyone who is a virgin does that.

I certainly don't. *weeps silently*

Posted by: Vermillion at July 2, 2009 8:12 PM

Blakemas, if you have to state you fuck like a beast, you probably fuck like a koala bear on downers. Save the chest thumping for when it matters, like when you see the little children visit your cage at the zoo.

Posted by: bignick at July 2, 2009 9:24 PM

First of all, it was mean sarcastically. Makes sense if you read the post above it.

Secondly, children are afraid of my cage at the zoo. Something about constant masturbating and throwing feces makes their mommies afraid...

...and who do you think is giving the Koalas the downers? Roofies are the only way to get them to consent.

Posted by: Blakemas! at July 2, 2009 10:04 PM

I presume at the Jonas wedding they'll be playing "I Kissed a Girl" all night.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 2, 2009 10:46 PM

Kissing is anti-God and impure!

Posted by: figgy at July 2, 2009 11:05 PM

Well played Blakemas. However I find your lack of faith disturbing. Don't you know God said you shouldn't engage in sexual relations with animals. Now if we can just get Paris Hilton's partners to understand that.

Posted by: bignick at July 3, 2009 12:17 AM

Kissing is anti-God and impure!

Posted by: figgy at July 2, 2009 11:05 PM
---
The parts I like kissing, I'm going straight to hell.

Want to come (heh) along?

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 3, 2009 1:47 AM

MICHAEL THE NARC-ANGEL

Millions of little members of the worldwide F.F.A. (Future Followers of the Antichrist) have finally learned how to find a certain part of their lower anatomy and quickly touch it while dancing - thanks to Michael Jackson, the highest paid Lower Anatomy Toucher of all time! Special thanks also go to the Jesus-bashing, Hell-bound Hollywood moguls who were just as quick to see higher profits in lower anatomies! [Just saw this opinion on the web. Other grabby items on MSN, Google, etc. include "Separation of Raunch and State," "David Letterman's Hate, Etc.," "Tribulation Index becomes Rapture Index," and "Bible Verses Obama Avoids." - something for everyone!]

Posted by: Leona at July 3, 2009 3:16 AM

Well said, Anna. I'd like to add that I don't think it always is a question of personal choice, either: I think there are serious levels of indoctrination going on in a country where horny teenagers are supposedly forsaking sex. It's also a possibly homophobic way of looking at sex, because it suggests that sexual intercourse is only valid in the framework of a marriage, which implies a straight marriage whose goal is the production of children.

I'm also always amused at this idea of it being 'so much better between two loving people' yada yada yada. This may be the case sometimes, but it can also be really awesome between two people who don't give a shit about each other, and terrible between two people who love each other very much. And I seriously doubt that the Elders and parents preaching abstinence are doing so because it guarantees their parish/children a better quality of fuck. It's because they're fighting to preserve the institution of marriage.

Posted by: Caspar at July 3, 2009 7:29 AM

Well stated, ZombieNurse. I feel your sentiments, but you put it way better than I could have. Especially since I'm working on only my first cup of coffee and no breakfast at this moment.

I would also add that the problem is not getting married at a young age, but getting married at a young age and either being a total dumb-ass with no idea what a marriage actually is or thinking that marriage is the end all, be all.

Lookit, I got married at the age of 21. Five years later my husband and I are still married with no simmering problems that will boil up in a few years and cause us to divorce. We didn't "have" to get married as some people here in the South so euphemistically put it. No kids, no kid scares, none of that (we do want to have kids, but now is not the right time). We dated long-distance for 3.5 years and knew that we are right for one another. The fact that I was 21 was just a result of my birth-year and nothing to do with the state of my maturity. (And a side effect of my young age is that when we're old we get to be one of those painfully cute old couples that has been married to 60+ years and feel entitled to give our younger relatives unsolicited and sometimes uncomfortable relationship advice while pretending to be hard of hearing and therefore deaf to their pleas, "Grandma, you're embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend/boyfriend/fiance. Please stop.")

The difference between people like me and the other clueless "young adults" who get married young is that I was mature and self-actualized with an idea what the fuck a person has to do to make marriage work. I question the motives of people living in a dream world like Old Jonas up there - does he really want to marry that chick because he loves her, is willing to commit to making marriage work, and wants to spend the rest of his life with her? Or is he under some Disney delusion that marriage is magical and will be the end of his happily-ever-after tale.

Statistics tell me it is the latter.

Posted by: stardust savant at July 3, 2009 10:05 AM

You've got some good points stardust. No disrespect to those people on here who are married, but I for one am not going to take the plunge. I personally do not need the state to validate my relationship to someone. Rest assured if I'm getting married, there's 12 gauge shotgun planted to the back of my head.

As for Jonas, the bad thing about being a virgin and getting married is you have no idea what bad sex is like. As a favorite heroine said once: "Sex is messy. Good sex is messier". Truer words were never spoken, except for maybe, "Don't eat the yellow snow".

Posted by: bignick at July 5, 2009 3:24 AM





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