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Gay? This Man? I Refuse to Believe It

By Stacey Nosek | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (37)

simmons.jpg

Hey guys! Before we start with the links, I have a bit of news. Recently I’ve started a brand new full time job, and the pressure of putting together a daily column every day on top of trying to absorb a LOT of shit in an extremely involved position has been — how can I say? Exhausting. And stressful. And overwhelming. And so on. So starting next week, Jeremy Feist — who is basically like a little gay version of myself — is going to be helping me out around here. I’ll still be around, although I don’t know yet to what capacity. But I can tell you this much: I sure as hell don’t want to hear any bitching about it. Got that? Also, I’m really hot and cranky; thanks a lot, East Coast heat wave. Now on to your links, you link-grubbing link whores.

Anyway: It’s official! Richard Simmons is gay. Well, not official in a “Richard Simmons came out of the closet” sort of way, more in a way that a male escort outed him. Which is so much classier than coming out on your own, in my opinion. (Celebslam)

Ryan Seacrest is trying to not be such a gay by pretending to date that chick from “Dancing With the Stars.” See you in 25 years, tell-all by the male escort who Seacrest is banging now! (Celebitchy)

Here are 10 of the best rock star performances in films. (Screen Junkies)

Well here’s something I never knew before: Apparently Saturn, as in the planet, was named after a baby-eating cannibal. (mental floss)

Robert Pattinson thinks that there’s a “whole system of internet journalists” out to get him, which is of course ridiculous. But what else do you expect from a guy who EATS BABIES. (Agent Bedhead)

I love it, how with just the right objects blurred out — even the Food Network can be porn! (Warming Glow)

Tamatha is always sending me in these links from Craftastrophe, and I don’t know why I don’t link them more. Anyway, this offering would actually make the perfect wedding gift for my dumb shithead of an ex who is getting married next month. I noticed their registry was strangely devoid of dead rabbit-face art. (Craftastrophe)

I hate “Jersey Shore.” I also hate Twilight. Jimmy Kimmel is growing on me. So what’s good about this Twilight spoof with Jimmy Kimmel and the “Jersey Shore” cast? Yup: Almost nothing. (Film Drunk)

Here are eight awesome yet obscure British TV shows, none of which I’ve heard of other than the Will Arnett-David Cross thing. But on the subject of (relatively) obscure and awesome British shows, the entire series of “Peep Show” is now available on Hulu. Tell ‘em I sent you. (Topless Robot)

You know why good, hard-working American folks with morals hate the French so much? Because they take a product as delicious and wholesome as Orangina and make it all about gay bestiality. Why is it always with the gay bestiality with you Frenchies?

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.









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Comments

Screamin' Jay Hawkins - Mystery Train

Damn straight.

Posted by: Jay at June 25, 2010 12:09 PM

That picture of Giada De Laurentiis just made me happy in...places.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 25, 2010 12:13 PM

Other British show's of note:
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace
Spaced
That Mitchell and Webb Look (Pre-Peep Show)
The IT Crowd
The Mighty Boosh
and Trick or Treat with Derren Brown (magic rocks)

Posted by: Andy at June 25, 2010 12:23 PM

dammit, most of those links are blocked from work!

sadly, the only one i can get to is the "smashed rabbit face" craft post. did anyone notice that there are also bits of what appears to be a smashed turtle shell as part of the "craft"?

thanks for that. i'll have to wait til i get home to reading the richard simmons catching the gays.

Posted by: glittergirl at June 25, 2010 12:29 PM

Richard Simmons? Gay, you say?

To borrow from the great philosopher Joe Hallenbeck: The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets.

And Richard Simmons is gay.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at June 25, 2010 12:40 PM

Oh my god! Ghostwatch scared the crap out of me when I was a kid! I think it's still the reason I'm scared of the dark, those BBC bastards.

Posted by: Carrie at June 25, 2010 12:42 PM

My favorite Bowie performance in a film is The Hunger. The fear he captures in his eyes as he's assaulted with more and more make-up for his rapid aging transformation is stunning.

I take a bit of issue with the site mentioning Rocky Horror Picture Show for Meat Loaf and then not listing it as a performance of note, but that's splitting hairs. If you know anything about that show, you know Meat Loaf wound up getting the part in the US premiere and in the film because he was the first actor they had that could sing all the high notes and get all the rapid fire words out in "Hot Patootie." As in, the writers of the show were shocked that someone could actually sing what they wrote and sing it well without missing any words.

That song is a chore to sing, let me tell you. It's a high tenor rock patter song sung by someone who is supposed to be a tough motorcycle rider. They might as well have written the role as a pink elephant that juggles while balancing on the top of a ladder for how readily available that type of actor is.

Posted by: Robert at June 25, 2010 12:47 PM

I have a friend who was a male escort while putting himself through medical school. He has a great Richard Simmons story involving Ecstasy and a monkey costume. That is all I can divulge, but the story gets as weird as you would imagine it does.

Posted by: Jadashay at June 25, 2010 12:47 PM

Hmm... is this J Feist cute?

Posted by: Brian at June 25, 2010 12:48 PM

You know the sad/funny/still kinda sad thing about RobPatt's diatribe? He may as well have been staring DIRECTLY AT US! And as douchey as he can be (and forcryingoutloud wash your hair more often), I can sympathize with a person being treated as less-than-human, as many celebrities are... especially around these parts.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at June 25, 2010 12:50 PM

OMG that commercial is weirding me out!!!

Posted by: gp at June 25, 2010 12:55 PM

Also Green Wing (found on Hulu) is a great British comedy.

But truly, if you haven't seen The Thick of It, you are doing yourself a huge disservice. Remedy this situation immediately.

Posted by: Alon at June 25, 2010 1:03 PM

Brian, He's adorable.

And I had an encounter with Richard Simmons in Dallas' gay neighborhood a few years back. He really was flirting with my friend. The man is so gay that everything and everyone within 30 feet is automatically gay, and stays that way for several hours after he leaves.

Posted by: Drake at June 25, 2010 1:11 PM

Gay Beastiality cat needs to learn to shave properly.

I STILL SEE FUR ON YOUR FACE.

Boyfriend is not going to like that. And no about of Orangina that you splash around is going to make it better.

Posted by: the other nicole at June 25, 2010 1:17 PM

OK, re the Craftastrophe link, WHY have you buried the lead? The header pic on the site is a **Toddlerpede** doll. And you know we love our -pedes around here.

For anyone questions J Feist's cutieness, you've obviously not been to his blog and seen his nekkid pics. He's cute as all get out.

Posted by: MM at June 25, 2010 1:32 PM

That Orangina commercial is pretty damn bizarre.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at June 25, 2010 1:38 PM

No props for Bowie in "The Man Who Fell to Earth"?

I've always thought Lyle Lovett ("Short Cuts") was a better actor than JR, and SHE has an Oscar.

And shouldn't Dwight Yoakum be on there somewhere, or doesn't country count?

Posted by: , at June 25, 2010 1:55 PM

Stacey! How the hell did you even notice a smushed rabbit's head on that Craftastrophe site? I was too frozen in shock by the plastic Human Centipede doll to even scroll down. What would you call that? A Chuckipede?

Posted by: BWeaves at June 25, 2010 2:20 PM

Old British sitcom (mid-70s):
'Some Mothers Do 'ave 'em"

Posted by: oskar at June 25, 2010 2:51 PM

Old British sitcom (mid-70s):
'Some Mothers Do 'ave 'em"

I used to do impressions of Frank Spencer. Fact.

'Oooh Betty!'

Posted by: Carrie at June 25, 2010 3:00 PM

glittergirl
I too noticed the fragments of tortoiseshell on that lovely piece of art. Stunning.

THIS man is GAY??? Nooooo!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTxkxG3DF4k

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at June 25, 2010 3:12 PM

For someone who actually likes Orangina (I drink it)--what is that ad trying to say? That I should try using it as cologne? Is Orangina _the_ soft drink for people who's into beastiality? In short, how does linking Orangina to that disturbing mental image of man-catman sex going to sell the product?

Posted by: True_Blue at June 25, 2010 3:14 PM

You know, I'm not one of those people who screams out "GAAAAAAAAAY" at any old effeminate dude out there, but if Ryan Seacrest isn't gay, then I'm Santa Claus.

Posted by: figgy at June 25, 2010 3:30 PM

Sting in Dune
Gene Simmons in Wanted: Dead or Alive or Runaway
Mick Jagger in Freejack

Posted by: The Kilted Yaksman at June 25, 2010 3:54 PM

What happened to the orange juice that was being promoted by naked lesbians? Was EuroTrip lying to us? I've also forgotten which is lower, is it gay bestiality or gay furries that are on the bottom rung of the hierarchy?

Posted by: OscarTamerz at June 25, 2010 6:30 PM

Dear French advertisers:

Maybe you lay off the absinthe for a bit, yeah?

Sincerely,
The rest of the world

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at June 25, 2010 6:37 PM

You should check out Goya's master painting "Saturn devouring his son"- its very compelling and disturbing...ultra gruesome. Turns out, as you have learned, the planet was named after Saturn the Roman version of the Greeks Titus, who ate his children fearing overthrow.

I recommend you take a well earned vacation after a few weeks at your new gig, hop a plane to Madrid and check out the art...

Posted by: Juice in LA at June 25, 2010 6:44 PM

I have to say that the Orangina commercial weirded me out a bit, and I write stories for a furry anthology site. I was also at a loss as to exactly what the soft drink was at first, based on the other CGI furry ads for it.

Was it a soft drink? A cologne? A mouthwash? A hair (fur) conditioner? All of the above (we must remember that those European types are clever).

Very odd.

Posted by: The Wanderer at June 25, 2010 7:03 PM

Some Orangina commercials are even more disturbing, believe me. But what's even more disturbing is, where is kballs? I want me some kballs antifrench diatribe!

Posted by: rg at June 25, 2010 7:52 PM

Dali did a painting inspired by the Goya setting. It's very weird but not as viscerally horrifying.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at June 25, 2010 9:39 PM

Sting WAS in Dune, but Michael Bolton did his best work in that film.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at June 25, 2010 9:42 PM

Seriousy, WTF france. I'm watching that Orangina commercial wondering whats the big deal then that last second pops up. Them people is messed up.

Posted by: EricD at June 25, 2010 10:17 PM

"I've also forgotten which is lower, is it gay bestiality or gay furries that are on the bottom rung of the hierarchy?"

Potayto, potahto.

Posted by: Craig at June 26, 2010 12:36 AM

"I've also forgotten which is lower, is it gay bestiality or gay furries that are on the bottom rung of the hierarchy?"

Child molestation was, is and always will be the bottom rung of the hierarchy. Compared to pedophilia, even gay bestiality doesn't even come close.

Posted by: The Wanderer at June 26, 2010 1:41 AM

Damn, you all ARE some cold ass motherfuckers.

Stacey,

Congrats on the new job. In an economy such as this, that's no small feat. I'm currently in the middle of learning a new set of skills at a high-pressure job as well. Whiskey seems to help with the insomnia.

Posted by: Roaddog at June 26, 2010 2:58 AM

Now on to your links, you link-grubbing link whores.

We're getting a new link pimp? I don't know how I feel about this. I rather liked our arrangement.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at June 26, 2010 6:24 AM

home now and able to access all the links.

i was so excited to see the list of best rocks stars in films included john mellencamp. he made one film (directed and starred in "falling from grace") that is quite lovely.

it's got some rocky moments, but there's something really... honest about the film and performances.
john prine is in the movie for gosh sakes!

Posted by: glittergirl at June 26, 2010 8:45 AM