Here are the ten creepiest kids movies. Can I just say how happy I am to finally see The Peanut Butter Solution recognized on a list of this caliber? Most fucked-up movie ever. (Spout)
Screen Junkies have an exclusive interview with Transformers 2’s Derek Alvarado, who plays “the guy who gives the pilot of Josh Duhamel and Tyrese’s helicopter permission to land.” You won’t find it anywhere else. (Screen Junkies)
And in other Transformers news, people are starting to get pissed off about those two robots who happen to be horrifically offensive racial sterotypes. (Webster’s)
However, “Psshaw,” says Michael Bay. That’s not racism, that’s just “personality.” No really, he REALLY SAID THAT. (Film Drunk)
In light of recent events, Perez Hilton is taking the opportunity do some serious introspection about the way he conducts himself and lives his life. Oh, kidding. He’s started suing people. (Yeeeah!)
BREAKING!!! Eddie Murphy is shirtless and buff; yet still unappealing. (Celebitchy)
You know, I think Ellen DeGeneres is really annoying but I could never muster up enough vitriol to actually hate her. However, this post if worth it alone for the Zach Galifianakis clip alone. I watched it three times, no joke. (KSK)
When I saw that NPH was cast as a “singing Batman villain” I got totally excited, but then when I saw the words “animated series” I got totally disappointed. (Film School Rejects)
Katy perry eats pizza in the bathtub! Because she’s so quirky! And then takes pictures of it and posts it on twitter. Because she’s so quirky! (Agent Bedhead)
For all you “Californication” fans, here’s the Season Three trailer. (Popoholic)
After Dustin’s comment diversion yesterday, which I refuse to read on account it will turn me into a blubbering pile of blubbery blub, here are some heartwarming and inspirational stories of traveling dogs. (mental floss)
This is definitely the cutest thing you’ll ever see at a Wimbledon match. (Rants From The Pants)
If you’re a politician who just can’t keep your dick in your pants, here are the top ten ways you can confess to your extramarital affairs. (Jezebel)
And now, thanks to the always reliable Tamatha, here is “Facebook Manners and You”:
Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.
The Last Unicorn fucked me up. The tree with boobs still haunts my nightmares.
Posted by: badalamenti at June 25, 2009 1:07 PM
I saw the title of that diversion last night and ran away as fast as possible. Thanks for posting an alternative!
Posted by: Louise at June 25, 2009 1:08 PM
The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T.
easily the worst worst worst "kids" movie (sorry, Dr. Seuss). it still scares the shit out of me, and makes me feel really uncomfortable. like when my cousin tried to hit on me at my grandmother's funeral kind of skeeved.
Posted by: tf breakher at June 25, 2009 1:09 PM
I was obsessed with Moonwalker as a kid. I think I watched it pretty much every day. Why my parents let me do that, I don't know... but I guess that explains how I turned out.
Posted by: Amy at June 25, 2009 1:10 PM
FIZZGIG!! The skeksis scared the Pound Puppy pajamas off my tiny ass when I was a kid. When the emaciated skeksi dies and MELTS, and the bigger one yells "I am emPEROR!!" I would close my eyes and pray that they couldn't get me in my sleep.
I need to go crawl under a table as I suffer from that whole secondhand embarrassment thing. I'd be exactly like Zach Impossible to spell last name so won't try.
But before I go I need to say The Dark Crystal is awesome, although I haven't watched it in years because those Skeksie things scare me.
(It took me four times to spell embarrassment right, what the hell? I swear I know.)
The Skeksis were the worst thing I've ever seen in a movie. Ever. Worse than Gummo ever. I can't explain my fear.
Posted by: Skitz at June 25, 2009 1:15 PM
Willow fucked me up for life. The wolves, and the thing in the moat, people getting turned into pigs and the creepy midgets evil witch...horrible.
Sheesh. How can you hate Ellen? She's just...OK she's a little too 'quirky' at times but she's genuinely harmless and funny. Hating on her so bad just makes that guy look like an asshole.
OMG The Dark Crystal. What a dark movie with puppets. My sister and I LOVED that movie as kids. I bought it a year or 2 ago and haven't popped it in the DVD player yet, tonight might be the night.
One thing I never understood...how come the chick had wings, and the guy didn't? Can you believe that's that perplexes me about that movie?
Can't we get past the politicians fucking around? Everyone does it. Nothing to do with politics. The end.
Posted by: Cindy at June 25, 2009 1:24 PM
E.T. scared the shit out of me for years. That little fucker wasn't cute, he was terrifying. Plus, that long finger, even as a child I knew where that went.
Posted by: admin at June 25, 2009 1:26 PM
Thank you, Stacey. I've always thought I was the only one freaked out by The Peanut Butter Solution. I still get a lil shivery when I think about it.
Posted by: nutmeag at June 25, 2009 1:27 PM
r.i.p. Farrah.
Posted by: Cindy at June 25, 2009 1:30 PM
Never seen "The Dark Crystal". "Something Wicked This Way Comes" is BAD ASS. Shit, Pam Grier's in it, come on!
I could care less about them
So Perez is also a shitty writer?
GodDAMN do I hate when people do that. LOOK AT WHAT YOU WROTE! LOOK AT IT!!!!
When I used to take, umm, unusual chemicals, I watched The Dark Crystal. It. Was. Awesome.
Not that I encourage that sort of thing. I was a complete moron.
Hey look, that German guy is trying to make it up to England all by himself! Wheee!
Posted by: Kballs at June 25, 2009 1:38 PM
Miss Stacey you just gave me back a slice of childhood creepiness and for that I shall always be grateful. "Something wicked this way comes" was one of my favourite movies when I was a kid and I used to pee in my pants every single time I watched (hello fear of crawling spiders, nice to meet you, let's be friends forever) and it's also why I love carnivals so freaking much. but I havent heard of it ever again and started thinking I imagined the all thing. and now I find out Jonathan Pryce was Mr. dark??? meh I used to have such good taste when I was little, I should have start doing heroin a long time ago, at least I would have an excuse for all my wasted potential.
Posted by: rio at June 25, 2009 1:39 PM
Wow, Peanut Butter Solution. I haven't seen that since . . . I used to watch The Worst Witch movie on HBO. With Fairuza Balk and Tim Curry. Which in itself had some creepy moments, but was still a pile of awesome.
I'm guessing the list doesn't include the classic fuck up your children classics like Old Yeller, Bambi, The Lion King . . .
And no list ever includes Watcher in the Woods, which I know has been discussed extensively in past comment threads. But that one left me with nightmares.
NPH on Batman:Brave and the Bold is a great match. Batman:B&B is a lot more fun than the other Batman series and every week has some third tier DC hero teaming up with Batman. A musical episode should really be required for most shows. I'd watch The O'Reilly Report: The Musical
Posted by: Mrcreosote at June 25, 2009 1:40 PM
Whorish Mouth,
They discuss the fact that only female Gelflings get wings, or that males get them later in life, or something along those lines.
Oh, and, TRIAL BY STONE!!!
Posted by: Kballs at June 25, 2009 1:41 PM
The Watcher in the Woods (Disney?) used to scare the beejebus out of me. Still think it's a creepy movie.
Farrah Fawcett died this morning...
Posted by: legib at June 25, 2009 1:42 PM
*In the movie the Gelflings* discuss the fact that only . . .
Posted by: Kballs at June 25, 2009 1:43 PM
Whorish Mouth: girl gelflings have wings because boys are crap. The end. :p
Legib, I believe I hasve requested that no one ever mention Watcher in the Woods EVER AGAIN. That movie fucked my shit up. Stupid Karen and her stupid broken circle.
It was really weird to see him in "Brazil" a few years later, all cognitive dissonance with Mr. Dark's voice coming out of a clean shaven, younger-looking man.
Hm, I think I WILL go home and watch Dark Crystal! Possibly followed by Labyrinth. I can't wait 'til my niece is old enough to watch those! (I'm not going to subject her now. She's 5 and kind of a weenie. I'm working on her, though.)
I have never seen the Peanut Butter Solution. I think I've heard of it.
Being a huge Muppets fan, I watched "The Dark Crystal" the day it came out; the first showing. This was back when movies were actually made out of film. Either the studio or the movie theatre somehow managed to get the second reel on the projector upside down and backwards and showed it that way. I think they gave us all free tickets for another show.
Posted by: BWeaves at June 25, 2009 1:52 PM
Thanks Kballs. :) My child mind didn't retain this piece of information into adulthood. I will have to watch it again.
You know what else creeped me the hell out? Granted, it's not from a kid's movie, but those giant batlike dudes from Beastmaster. The ones that wrapped their wings around you, released what I'm assuming was some sort of digestive fluid/acid, and when they opened up their wings all that'd be left was a pile of bones and your feet stumps...
Can't we get past the politicians fucking
around? Everyone does it. Nothing to do with politics.
It has everything to do with politics when you're a hypocritical self-righteous "god-fearing" Republican that voted for 3 of the 4 Clinton impeachment articles and went on to making right pretty speeches about "moral legitimacy".
It also has everything to do with politics when you're the head of state government that up and takes off for 4 days without telling your staff where you're really going and remaining out of communication range for the duration of your little "vacation".
Posted by: Casey at June 25, 2009 1:58 PM
Not to complain, because I love this content every day, but would you mind changing the links so they open in a new window (which for me would be a new tab)?
The Dark Crystal, Labyrinth, the Neverending Story, Legend.
... and after that went even the tiniest fractional hope of a non-dork existence.
Posted by: twig at June 25, 2009 1:59 PM
Skitz,
Those things were The Tits!!! I don't think they had a name so I used to call them Bat Milkers. Not only did they digest you, but they sort of convulsed, bounced and writhed as they were doing it. And that slurping sound! Exquisite.
Posted by: Kballs at June 25, 2009 2:01 PM
Casey, if we just assumed everyone was fucking around (regardless of party), then we wouldn't have to relate fucking around to politics. Frankly, I think all politicians are hypocritical in some way.
Sanford was foolish (just like all of them) to think he could get away with taking off like that. As soon as I heard he was missing/hiking, an affair is the first thing that came to my mind. So if we all just didn't give a shit about it, he could have told his staff "Hey, I'm going to see my mistress - keep things running", it would again have had nothing to do with politics.
My point is, leave the morality of their personal lives out of the equation.
Posted by: Cindy at June 25, 2009 2:10 PM
Oh god, Skitz, I *heart* The Beastmaster. What a crush my 12-year-old self had on Marc Singer! And I loved those ferrets SO MUCH. So cute!
Looks like I'm gonna be up late watching movies... good thing I'm not working tomorrow!
Can I just say that no list of creepy kids films is complete without the original "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory" - I mean, seriously, you've got a creepy old man who invites a bunch of kids into his abandoned factory to punish them for their flaws; the concept alone is scary. Between the weird stalker dude who follows Charlie around pretending to be Slugworth and that song Wonka sings during the riverboat ride (complete with horrible Clockwork Orange-style imagery of chickens being killed and whatnot projected onto the walls around them) it's all just a collosal ball of fucked-up. The new one is too shiny and glossy to be scary, and Johnny Depp isn't half as crazy-looking as Wilder. With Wilder, you genuinely believed he might let the kids fall into a furnace, 'cause why the hell not? He's old, rich and has an army of vicious little Oompa Loompas; he can pretty much do what he wants. The only reason it doesn't count higher on the list of "disturbing films I watched in my childhood" was the fact that my brother would let me watch films like Jaws, Aliens and Terminator 2 with him, and freaky though Willy Wonka was, at least he wasn't stabbing people through milk cartons or sinking rescue helicopters with his 3,000 teeth and crushing jaws. That we know of...
Posted by: Shay at June 25, 2009 2:15 PM
I second misterorange's request, but only because I am an idiot and am constantly closing the tab, forgetting that it linked directly to something and didn't open a new one. I have to open a new tab to Pajiba all the time because I'm stupid.
Wait...I get it now! It's your nefarious plot to take advantage of the retards like me in order to get more hits on the site! I knew it!
For years, I thought The Peanut Butter Solution was just some weird fever dream I had as a kid, until I could look for it on the internet and confirm that I was not, in fact, crazy.
As a kid, I had a tanuki stuffed animal that you could hang on the wall. It had two red testicle balls connected together with string that went into the doll. I used pull one down (forcing the other upwards) and then pull the other for long periods of time. Kind of like milking a cow, but infinitely more disturbing. I never really knew they were balls. I guess as we were now in America, my mom never really felt the need to tell me about Japanese folklore. Or she probably just saw me playing with my tanuki's balls one day, slowly backed out of the room, and erased it from her mind.
Posted by: JapJay at June 25, 2009 2:22 PM
Beastmaster is one of the best movies EVER. How about when they throw the kid in the fire? I was so freaked out by that as a kid. Or the scary crazy man with the metal mask? Or the god damn scene in the beginning with the pregnant lady and the and blue jelly and the moving stomach, and the my GOD is the baby in the cow??!!
Never saw The Peanut Butter Solution but somewhere out there on the World Wide Interwebs is a video of Conrad in The Peanut Butter Trick, starring him and a spunky Golden Retriever named Shiloh.
You're welcome, cousin of mine... Make fun of my balls, indeed.
Posted by: Skitz at June 25, 2009 2:24 PM
I can only remember certain parts of the movies that weirded me out as a kid. The first was those creepy clowns on wheels from Return to Oz. The other was the devil thing from Legend. Oh and that creepy little troll from Stephen King's Cat's Eye.
Posted by: Dingle Berry at June 25, 2009 2:28 PM
The movie that scared me the most as a kid was The NeverEnding Story, but who wasn't scared by that movie? Also, I still haven't really seen Labyrinth to this day because it scared me too much to finish when I was a kid.
My daughter was watching Lady and the Tramp last night before bed, and the scene where he's fighting the rat brought back vivid memories of how scary I thought that scene was too.
Wow Snath, you're right, that rat scene was scary as a kid.
As a kid I hated the part in ET when all the scientist peeps in their space suits showed up and were chasing after poor little ET. And the scene where he falls or something and is hurt. That scarred me.
Old Yeller killed me.
This isn't a movie, this one Punky Brewster episode where they were exploring in a cave or something and all these kind of "horror" things kept happening. Terrible special effects, but one in particular scared the bejeezus out of me back then, and it was a huge flying bug or something. Anyone else remember that?
Hmm...on firefox if you hit ctrl and then click on the link it opens to a new tab. You can also right-click and choose 'open in new tab' or 'open in new window'
Cindy, I have to agree with you--it seems every damn one of these people cheat either on their spouses or their taxes. If anything, they just serve to live as examples as to why our tax code is such a mess (that even rich politicians are fudging it) and why moral preening is so idiotic. And as for a charge of "hypocrisy" I would point out that even when they're not hypocrites--like Bush and Nixon, both of whom as far as we know were always faithful to their wives--they can champion some rotten policies.
Posted by: Bd at June 25, 2009 2:59 PM
Oh, man. The Skeksies are freaky, and I never needed to see a Gelfing have its essence sucked out when I was a wee lass, but the character that haunted me for years was freaking freaky AUGHRA. I would have nightmares about her PULLING OUT HER EYE, and her whirling contraption of celestial whatnot. She's so scary. *shudders*
Posted by: HB at June 25, 2009 3:03 PM
I know, figgy, but I am a stupid, lazy American who doesn't think about these things until after I have clicked the link. I require everything to be done for me.
Dingle Berry:
Yes the breath-stealing troll in Cat's Eye!!! i used to make sure that nothing was hanging over the edge of my bed so that he couldn't climb up and onto me....I used to line up all of my stuffed animals in a perimeter around my bed so that they could protect me while I slept. I also became obsessive about checking the wall to make sure that there weren't those holes that he could come through...EEK. pouting at my desk.
Posted by: tf breakher at June 25, 2009 3:06 PM
There was an episode of Fraggle Rock that haunted my dreams and shattered my hopes. I don't remember anything about it except there was a red dragon. I think. There was smoke somewhere too. I believe. Its intentions were untoward. Probably. Someone help a girl out, did that episode exist, or have I been inhaling too much ant poison in my apartment?
Ditto re: the original Willy Wonka movie. Also, Chuck Jones's Rikki Tikki Tavi. Orson Welles narrated it and the shit was scary, especially the scenes with the cobra, who fucking TALKED (whispered, really)!
Posted by: samantha t at June 25, 2009 3:18 PM
Holk fuck! The Hugga Bunch?!
And I couldn't participate in last night's diversion but I do have a traveling dog story!
When I was very young, my mother and her then-boyfriend bought my sister and me a Samoyed puppy. She was white and fluffy and my best friend. We named her Pokey, after the Little Golden Book. When Pokey was still quite young (maybe a year or two old), my parents were in a car accident with a drunk driver. My mom's boyfriend (now my dad) broke his neck and had to be transferred to Syracuse University Hospital for several rounds of surgery and a very extended stay. My mother drove back and forth from Utica to Syracuse daily, and my grandparents took care of my sister and me. There was no one to take care of Pokey, though. My mother, who has never been one to really give a crap about her children's feelings, asked around and found a farmer who was willing to take Pokey in. I don't know how she found a farmer, I really don't. Maybe it was a lie and she was just shuttling Pokey off to lands unknown. It doesn't matter, my dog was gone.
Around a year later, my sister and I came home from school to find dad, who was still home recovering at the time, and a very dirty Pokey, sitting in the kitchen. Dad had gone outside to get the mail and found the dog sitting in the bushes outside our house. She had somehow escaped wherever she was and walked a good 40-50 miles back to our house, in the snow. That was the best damn dog I've ever known. I still get choked up when I think of her.
Posted by: Kolby at June 25, 2009 3:33 PM
badalamenti,
I used to be obsessed with this movie. At first my mom was all like: 'how cute she's watching a little girl movie with unicorns and rainbows'.
Then one day she actually sat down to watch it with me and was kind of really freaked out. She threw away the movie, but later when I got older, I just bought another copy. That and the Secret of Nimh, Watership Down, and the Neverending Story.
Posted by: Vi at June 25, 2009 3:36 PM
These creepy kids shows/films cause LASTING oogety-boogety. The Childhood Freakouts is the 3rd most popular Comment Diversion on the site.
I checked.
I have a lot of time.
Posted by: Lauren at June 25, 2009 3:42 PM
1. Original Willy Wonka. No contest. Loved it anyways, though.
2. Return To Oz - I couldn't watch the whole thing. The Wheelers were too damn creepy. Not to mention the whole electroshock therapy part.
3. Dark Crystal - Skexies may or may not have made me pee my pants. Still haven't watched it again.
4. Weirdly enough, there was some insane Fred Savage movie about him and the monster under his bed but all I remember is him getting sucked into the world under his bed and pinned to a revolving board with someone throwing knives at him. I had monster-under-the-bed issues for a looooong time, let me just say.
Apparently this wasn't intended for kids, but I didn't find that out until waaaaaaay too late.
Posted by: elizabeth at June 25, 2009 4:04 PM
oooh, the skeksis give me the creeps too, but the black rabbit of inle and general woundwort from watership down scared the crap out of me. also, mr. tumnus in the cartoon version of the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. that red bitch with his hypnotizing flute gave me nightmares.
Posted by: kelley at June 25, 2009 4:06 PM
Personally, I had nightmares about the cartoon version of "The Hobbit" (1977, Bankin/Rass) for YEARS. Gollum gave me the wiggins.
Posted by: Krista at June 25, 2009 4:28 PM
The Childhood Freakouts is the 3rd 4th most popular Comment Diversion on the site.
You horny bastards.
Posted by: Lauren at June 25, 2009 4:35 PM
The Lady in White messed me up.
Posted by: Kolby at June 25, 2009 4:35 PM
Ooh, I loved The Lady in White. Creepy. Of course, I was 17 when it came out, and not a small child, so....
Holy hell. Harrah Fawcett dead and Michael Jackson going ... going ...
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 25, 2009 6:00 PM
VI,
Now that you mention it, Watership Downs had some creepy moments too.
Bucdaddy(formerly)
It a sad day.
Posted by: badalamenti at June 25, 2009 6:23 PM
Legend scared the bejeebers out of me. Willow did much of the same. I still have not seen The original Willy Wonka movie. Gene Wilder creeped me right the fuck out.
What kind of sick motherfucker puts salt and pepper on a pizza? And that pizza doesn't even look very good, nothing at all like the Panormous Mrs. , and I split the other night ...
Katy Perry? Who the fuck is Katy Perry? Is he that ohhhhhwhoawhoawhiny wimpass singer for Journey?
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 26, 2009 1:17 AM
Since no one seems to have listed it yet, I'll just toss it out there: Bambi. If you really consider it, that Disney flick is the most depressing and dysfunctional shit you'll ever see in your life. Consider this: Bambi's mother is murdered by hunters, his 'friends' bounce on him the moment they realize they can get laid, but when HE hooks up with a lady some thug named Ronno tries to kidnap her, leading to a huge brawl and Bambi shoving Ronno off a cliff (which clearly indicates that the murder of his mom sure hasn't taught him the sanctity of life). He then gets shot after saving his lady from a pack of hunting dogs while his forest home starts to burn down. Meanwhile, his deadbeat dad (who's only been around to tell his son that Mommy's dead) finally comes through for like TEN SECONDS by forcing Bambi to drag his GSW ass out of their burning home. He also peaces out before Bambi's kids know who their grandpa is and leaves Bambi a burned-down home with no fire insurance policy. All the while, Bambi is mercilessly hunted humans--the very reason he's an orphan with no home. That's a slap of reality that will make jaded cynics out of even the most starry-eyed youngsters. Family fun, yay!
Posted by: the March Hare at June 26, 2009 7:16 AM
[shudder] 20 years on and the Skeksis still scare the pants off me.
My younger sisters think it's hilarious... dude, they are fucking terrifying!!
The Last Unicorn fucked me up. The tree with boobs still haunts my nightmares.