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Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of Oprah Screwing Over That Crippled Kid

By Stacey Nosek | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (37)

oprah_0623.jpg

I don’t want to point fingers or anything, but Oprah is almost definitely trying to cheat a crippled kid out of being the next big TV star. Never has a teen with cerebral palsy been so robbed since Skylar bought Walt Jr. the wrong kind of Raisin Bran. (Warming Glow)

Anyone remember who Jennifer Wilbanks is? The “Runaway Bride” — does that ring a bell? Yeah, well, surprise! She’s still a huge fucking loser. (Agent Bedhead)

Some asshole beat me to this in the comments section yesterday (and that’s why you never, ever post links in the comments section!) but the Human Centipede is now in cat toy form. Like it matters, my cat would just lose it under the fridge in five minutes anyway. (Film Drunk)

Mel Gibson has started showing an interest in the art of hypnotic power. So if all the Jews in this country start killing themselves, The Happening-style, I can tell you for damn sure it’s not “the plants” doing it. (Yeeeah!)

Ha ha! This is why you don’t wear 10-inch platform shoes, Lady Gaga. Because you will fall on your face, you dumbshit. (Celebslam)

Here are five films from 1984 which could stand for a remake. Bachelor Party? Oh hell yes. But only if it stars Tom Hanks again, because that would be AWESOME. (Cinematical)

A Tobias Funke/Watchmen mash-up in 2010? Why the hell not, I say! (Unreality)

Care for some Bisque’O County Jr. or Cream of Darkness, perhaps? Yep, someone has invented Bruce Campbell soup [labels]. (Screen Junkies)

HAAA! Amanda “She’s All That” Bynes, who as you’ll recall has retired from showbiz, may have actually been fired from her last acting gig. Perhaps a case of “You can’t fire me, I quit?” (The Playlist)

The “Jersey Shore” boys are appearing on “The Queer Issue” of Village Voice. Not so much because they’re gay, but because they’re prostitutes. (DListed)

Speaking of prostitutes, Jennifer Love Hewitt is starring in a — what else? — Lifetime movie in which she plays one. (Celebitchy)

This is awesome: The dude from OK Go in a staring contest vs. … Let’s just say a very worthy contender; I won’t spoil the surprise. And Zack Galifianakis is there too:

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.









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Comments

Thirty years ago my brother-in-law broke his ankle falling off his
platform boots. When, when will we ever learn?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at June 23, 2010 11:16 PM

Her platform shoes taper to an even smaller surface area at the bottom. Say whaaa?

Posted by: Caroline at June 24, 2010 12:02 AM

We is . . . not supposed to put links in the comment section? Eeep.

*dons cone of shame*

Posted by: Lauren at June 24, 2010 12:35 AM

omg, did you just call the_wakeful an asshole?

Posted by: gp at June 24, 2010 1:29 AM

Holy shit, Stacey just called me an asshole. I feel strangely validated, bitch.

D'awww, who am I kidding? Women call me an asshole all the time.

Posted by: The_wakeful at June 24, 2010 2:42 AM

Lady Gaga falling flat on her face(sort of) just about made my fucking day.

You all know I'm all for self expression and looking fabulous but Gaga annoys every sense I have (I feel pretty secure she'd smell bad and taste bad too) so that? Golden.
Wear a pair of sneakers, bitch.

Posted by: Nadine at June 24, 2010 4:27 AM

The Village Voice has non-queer issues?

WOOHOO! I just went to vote for Zach again, and he is 1 million votes ahead! Pajibans (and other web lurkers) UNITE!

Posted by: Patty O'Green at June 24, 2010 12:11 PM

Ha ha! This is why you don’t wear 10-inch platform shoes, Lady Gaga. Because you will fall on your face, you dumbshit.

Best thing I've read all day.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 24, 2010 12:12 PM

Most airports I know are full of slippery floors, people movers, and escalators. Which would make wearing crazy-ass boots and a seven-foot-long vinyl cape seem, oh, I don't know, a little flirting-with-danger, maybe?

I'm guessing the only way this could have been stupider would have been if she was running to catch her flight while clutching a giant pair of scissors in each hand.

Posted by: Wednesday at June 24, 2010 12:24 PM

I'm guessing the only way this could have been stupider would have been if she was running to catch her flight while clutching a giant pair of scissors in each hand.

Great. Guess who's gonna have the whole terminal in lock-down next time I try to fly.

Do not give her / them / it ideas.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at June 24, 2010 12:35 PM

While the Oprah news is certainly not surprising and definitely irritating... I don't think it was NEARLY as important as the announcement that Tiffany AND Debbie Gibson will appear in the SyFy made for TV suckfest Mega Python vs. Gatoriod!

Posted by: lubeg at June 24, 2010 12:42 PM

Whatever. Amanda Bynes can do what she wants so long as she keeps expressing her love for banging black dudes.

So, Amanda. Have you ever played "Road"? That's where you lay down and I blacktop you.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 24, 2010 12:47 PM

"my cat would just lose it under the fridge in five minutes anyway.
I think I would "lose it" a lot faster than that.

Posted by: Odnon at June 24, 2010 12:52 PM

"Team Centipede > Team Jacob"

Posted by: Human Centipede - Segment Two at June 24, 2010 12:54 PM

Yeah, dickety-do-dah!
sorry, that was just the first thought that came to mind, w/ a grin on my face

Wasn't interested in a single 'Love' item today, but always read the comments - and Tracer's just made it easier to go back to work and brighten my day.

Posted by: Bill (Formerly Bill) at June 24, 2010 1:02 PM

So, Amanda. Have you ever played "Road"? That's where you lay down and I blacktop you.

Then I'll come along and spray the nice white lines so all the traffic knows where to go.

Posted by: admin at June 24, 2010 1:16 PM

Oh my god, that Oprah shit pisses me off so much. That kid isn't just cool because he's handicapped: That video is hilarious, and I would watch a show with him on it every day if I could. Seriously, we've gotta swing that vote back, or I'm going to cut somebody.

I KNEW we couldn't trust Oprah! There was always something in those eyes!

Posted by: ChristianH at June 24, 2010 1:20 PM

Wow. So I love me some Gaga, but that was monumentally stupid of her. Always wear sensible shoes at airports, Gaga.

Posted by: figgy at June 24, 2010 1:51 PM

But oh man do I love crazy-looking shoes.

Posted by: figgy at June 24, 2010 1:51 PM

So, Amanda. Have you ever played "Road"? That's where you lay down and I blacktop you.

This and the Gaga story will keep me going for much of the day. I will do my best to maintain a sense of professionalism but I can't promise anything.

Posted by: katy at June 24, 2010 1:52 PM

for some odd reason Lady Gaga is starting to remind me of Howard Stern in his Fartman days. Looks wise, not that she is prentending to go around and fart everywhere.
Gah, I'm trying to not ingest coffee today. It's not going well.

Posted by: ninetwenteetoo at June 24, 2010 2:26 PM

1. That staring contest was rigged, man.

2. That Zach guy is amazing. He doesn't need Oprah. Any channel will pick him up after that video. What charisma!

Posted by: BWeaves@cfl.rr.com at June 24, 2010 2:35 PM

Stacey I’m absolutely positive you wouldn’t have opened up a big mouth if that kid that Oprah supposedly fucked over were black, but since the kid was white and seeing as Oprah is black she must have played the race card to help out the "sassy" black woman, right? And of course that black woman that got a ton of votes IS “sassy” because hey, most black women are indeed "sassy" in your opinion, right?

Posted by: Pookie at June 24, 2010 2:43 PM

ACK! The Bruce Campbell link led to the Runaway Bride story...

Posted by: appwitch at June 24, 2010 2:46 PM

JLH plays a hooker but let me guess she's one of those high priced call girl types, where the john comes to her penthouse apartment?

Oh and it's probably all about being empowered.

Posted by: John W at June 24, 2010 2:56 PM

Seriously, that Zach kid is hilarious. I would watch his show. Hell, If her were older and I were younger, I might add him to my five freebie list (I've been thinking of cutting Adam Baldwin--unless he promises to let me play with Vera, if you know what I mean, and I think you do, wink, wink, nudge...fuck it so I miss Monty Python sometimes).

Posted by: rezcat at June 24, 2010 3:01 PM


Well if THAT ain't a dream come true.
Doing white lines on Tracer's caramel ass.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at June 24, 2010 3:07 PM

I thought they already made a remake of "Bachelor Party".

It's called "The Hangover".

Posted by: Westcott at June 24, 2010 3:19 PM

Uh...by the way...Amanda Bynes was not in She's All That. That was the Freddie Prinz Jr movie with that chick (I think Rachel something) that I'm not interested enough to look up right now.
Amanda Bynes was in She's The Man. And What a Girl Wants.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at June 24, 2010 3:41 PM

Wow, that Amanda Bynes post kinda makes me feel sorry for her. They manage to make her retirement seem more inevitable and necessary than ridiculous.

Still, like Bullet said, I will always support her...ahem..."love" for us of the more colorful persuasion.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 24, 2010 3:41 PM

Stacey did not write the article about Oprah that she linked to, so calling her a big racist that thinks all black women are "sassy" would be something that a fucking idiot would do.

Posted by: Craig at June 24, 2010 5:55 PM

My love for OK Go knows no bounds.

Posted by: gee. ay. at June 24, 2010 7:32 PM

Craig, I didn’t call Stacey a racist. I simply made the observation that Stacey agreed with some columnist that accused Oprah of being a racist. And why is your anger directed at me? You should be mad at the columnist that implied that Oprah was a racist without any proof to back it up. I accept your apology, Craig.

Posted by: Pookie at June 24, 2010 8:05 PM

I'm citing violation here. Code very clearly states you cannot use greatness such as Encyclopaedia Brown in a sentence while ate the same time and in the same sentence brandishing trash like Oprah.

It's not a minor offense.

I checked in with the Great Brain, of Utah, and he agrees, so does Sobol.

Posted by: idleprimate at June 24, 2010 11:46 PM

Ah, trolling. Pookie is, as always, the king.

Posted by: ChristianH at June 25, 2010 1:34 AM

Is is wrong that I want to find video of the Gaga incident (GagaGate) and make a loop out of it for my amusement? It could be a dynamic screen saver!

Posted by: Uriah Creep at June 25, 2010 5:51 AM

C’mon ChristianH, I’m not that bad, I mean I do bring sunshine sometimes.

Posted by: Pookie at June 25, 2010 8:52 AM