Even though Transformers 2 is going to suck hard (and, oh boy, will it suuuuck — look for the review later today!) here is an awesomely explosive Michael Bay quiz! (Rope of Silicon)
And Megan Fox thinks that pretending she’s single will save Transformers 2 from sucking. (Agent Bedhead)
Here’s a six-pack of actors comically miscast as historical figures. Aww, remember when Chris O’Donnell had a film career? That was so cute. (PW)
Another day, another set of slutty Miley Cyrus photos get leaked on the internet. (Webster’s)
It takes a lot to offend me, but damn. This new Burger King ad is pretty much just downright offensive. (Deus Ex Malcontent)
TLC has thankfully stopped production on “Jon & Kate” until August. Naturally, it wasn’t the couple’s decision or anything. (Celebitchy)
I love it that Perez Hilton has finally become the laughing stock he always was and has always deserved to be. Because she’s awesome, here is Kelly Clarkson making fun of him. (Notes On Bar Napkins)
Mattel is finally making the most emo Barbie and Ken dolls ever. (Film Drunk)
“Fuck Your Ears” by Creed and other appropriate album titles we’d like to see. (Holy Taco)
Here are some environmentally-friendly ways to transport your lunch to work. When I worked in an office I was all about those Pyrex containers. (Serious Eats)
Is it me or has the Snuggie started a chain reaction of increasingly ridiculous “As Seen on TV” products? Anyway, if you like to be titty-fucked by a piece of plastic while you sleep, this product is for you. (DListed)
Because it’s fun, here’s round two of the weirdest Japanese video games. (atom)
Did you guys know that Ben Affleck may or may not rock a toupee? I did not know that. I mean, hair plugs, for sure … But who wears hairpieces anymore? (mental floss)
1. Fuck the reality tv show, that's pretty much exactly how salons work.
2. Was that dude at the end actually Seth?
Posted by: admin at June 24, 2009 1:36 PM
I love that BK ad, but I appreciate truly shameless advertising. My favorite campaign was one McDonald's did for Disney's Tarzan called, and I am dead serious, "Jungle Fever." I nearly drove into a highway embankment the first time I heard it.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 24, 2009 1:39 PM
I told my wife that we are not spending $55 on something God gave me for free. I told her my Kush gives facials, too. Sold!
Posted by: logar at June 24, 2009 1:44 PM
I'm trying to picture that sleeping arrangement, logar, and it seems uncomfortable.
Someone, please tell me that that Kush thing is fake. If this really is a problem for you, I'm sure, like AvB, you can find a less expensive solution. My lord.
Posted by: tamatha at June 24, 2009 1:54 PM
Japan is just so gloriously fucked up. I want to go to there.
Posted by: jM at June 24, 2009 1:59 PM
Oh the Kush is real. After all, this is the land that gave us the Snuggie and the Ass Swiffer. But what is it made out of that causes it to cost 55 dollars? Is there some secret boob-supporting technology contained in it that makes it worth that much? I'm with AvB. If I really need the support, I'll use a pillow.
Posted by: battgirl at June 24, 2009 2:06 PM
AAAH!
Now I'm having hideous visions of the Burger King King (ie: the creepiest motherfucker in the history of ever) and his seven incher and AAAAAAAAAAH MY BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN
I'm sure, like AvB, you can find a less expensive solution
I'd like to tell you about a brand new product called My Face (tm).
For the cost of a six pack, My Face (tm) can rest gently between your heaving breasts all night long.
My Face (tm) also organically warms your voluptuous ta-tas, helping you gently slip away to dream-land.
Act Now and My Face (tm) comes with the "Motorboatin'" massage function.
Next time yo fine-ass titties are keeping you up, just look for My Face (tm).
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 24, 2009 2:10 PM
Next time yo fine-ass titties are keeping you up, just look for My Face (tm)
Side effects of using My Face(tm) may include, but are not limited to, drooling, night terrors, and nipple inhalation.
Posted by: branded at June 24, 2009 2:25 PM
One day, and that day will soon come, my Army Of Madness will terrorize middle America wearing nothing but Snuggies dyed black as the darkest night. Armed with spiked Kushes and flaming Ass Swiffers, my followers will deliver my message to the world. I shall remain at home, as Wendel can't breath when I'm wearing a Snuggie and I'm friggin' horrible with modifying garments so... Anyhow.
I don't understand the point of the Kush! Such is the plight of a woman with normal-sized boobies I guess.
Although, on the other hand, I won't be spending $55 on one any time soon, so yay for normal-sized boobies!
Did you all know the Snuggie now comes in leopard print?
Posted by: Melissa at June 24, 2009 2:40 PM
AvB, a pillow?!?! just how big are your boobs?
They're nice, really nice. Trust me I've seen 'em.
(Nice house by the way AvB)
Posted by: admin at June 24, 2009 2:41 PM
Men, do you find the Underpants Dragon escapes when you sleep on your side? Do you spent the night tossing and turning, trying desperately to find a comfortable position for the Crawlin' Kingsnake? You've tried strapping it. You've tried tucking it. But nothing seems to work!
New, from the makers of the Ass Swiffer (TM) and My Face (TM), comes La Derriere (TM)! Simply park your Pants Shark between these two warm, inviting globes and never worry about penile slippage ever again!
"I never could figure out to do with my Wedding Equipment while I slept. I tried everything, but nothing worked until I tried La Derriere (TM)! Now my Man Hammer rests between the cheeks of La Derriere (TM) and I rest easy! Thanks, La Derriere (TM)!
Ergonomically engineered by some of the finest surgeons in Beverly Hills, La Derriere (TM) is designed to gently swaddle your Magic Johnson in pillowy softness.
"Now my meat has its very own meat locker! Thanks, La Derriere!"
La Derriere (TM) is not sold in stores, but you have your very own La Derriere (TM) for the cost of a large diamond ring, an exotic sports car or a pepperoni pizza (New Jersey customers only)! Act now!
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 24, 2009 2:43 PM
God, I can totally imagine that Kush thing just popping out in the middle of the night and blinding my man in the eye.
oh man, someone tell me where i can get a poster of that Burger King ad. no way that doesn't become an all time collectable.
Posted by: EricD at June 24, 2009 2:49 PM
Rhyme vs. Tracer Bullet: Battle for EE Supremacy.
Posted by: admin at June 24, 2009 2:58 PM
Let them battle for the EEs with poison-tipped Ass Swiffers in the Eloquent Arena! TWO COMMENTERS ENTER, ONE COMMENTER LEAVES THE OTHER BLOODIED BY A STICK YOU WIPE YOUR ASS WITH! HUZZAH!
I'd like to tell you about a brand new product called My Face (tm).
For the cost of a six pack, My Face (tm) can rest gently between your heaving breasts all night long.
My Face (tm) also organically warms your voluptuous ta-tas, helping you gently slip away to dream-land.
Act Now and My Face (tm) comes with the "Motorboatin'" massage function.
Next time yo fine-ass titties are keeping you up, just look for My Face (tm).
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 24, 2009 2:10 PM
---------------------------------------------
But does it come with a complimentary travel case? Is it small enough to stow away easily? IS THERE A MONEY BACK GUARANTEE???
Posted by: Lauren at June 24, 2009 3:16 PM
Figgy, This isn't the first time you've tempted me with that.
(Although I'd have to compete with "The Marble Peach")
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 24, 2009 3:17 PM
My reputation precedes me. Or follows me, in this particular case.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 24, 2009 3:20 PM
I still laugh at that, TB.
So how are we going to settle this? Rap battle?
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 24, 2009 3:27 PM
Dance Off.
Posted by: jM at June 24, 2009 3:29 PM
And just what's wrong with green bean casserole, Jay?
Somebody put on Beyonce, and get OJR his dancing heels. He's about to make Tracer wish he'd "Put a Ring On It."
Posted by: branded at June 24, 2009 3:46 PM
I don't know, branded. Tracer's may have a big "Ego" but he's always been a "Survivor".
Posted by: jM at June 24, 2009 3:57 PM
First one to be able to do the "Flying Butt Clap" Wins. Although I don't really want to see Tracer's "Halo".
Posted by: admin at June 24, 2009 4:29 PM
Are these wacky products actually selling?
Because if they are - men, (specifically, two-testied men) do your testes have trouble sleeping all squashed up together? Are you afraid one little dude will dominate the other during wet dream time? Do you worry about your sperm suffocating? If the answer to these questions is "yes", then I think I have a little something for you. My friends, let me introduce you to the Testellow; a teeny-tiny pillow you can strap right onto your scrotum. Your balls have never felt so relaxed. Gone are the nights of tossing and turning. No more embarrassing "Hey, why does that one look bigger than the other?" questions. Your semen will flow more freely than ever, gua-ran-teed! Just strap Testilow onto your sac using the soft elastic (careful, not too tight!) and you'll be amazed at how quickly you fall asleep.
Now in two sizes for those of you with more to love.
I don't know why everyone's so shocked about the BK ad. Don't we all approve of the pornification of America? The only things that would have made the ad more perfect would be a picture of a shaved beaver and something that looks suspiciously like an asshole. Everything should be like porn, that's how awesome it is.
RE Optimus Rhyme: Now THAT'S an ad. And Tracer Bullet's is a very close second.
Posted by: Slash at June 24, 2009 4:37 PM
Just now checked out the Kush site - that is one of the most fucked-up things I've ever seen. To call it stupid is an insult to the word "stupid."
Posted by: Slash at June 24, 2009 4:45 PM
Good afternoon, Cindy:
I have a friend who suffers from droopy, squishy balls and I believe your product would be just the thing to set his sac straight! I'd like to know if you have a brochure/pamphlet of the Testellow, as I'm sure my friend would benefit greatly from your invention. A couple questions my friend might have:
Do they come in a wide variety of colors?
Are they microwave safe, for those chilly nights?
Are they scented?
Thanks for your time, Skittimus Maximus Esquire III
Skittimus Minimus
Friend who shall remain unnamed...
P.S. My balls are perfect just the way they are - this would be for my friend. He's the one with misshapen, lumpy, droopy-like-warm-Silly-Putty testicles. Not me.
Posted by: Skitz at June 24, 2009 5:23 PM
Unfortunately, I can say I've had the displeasure of seeing your testicles. And even though the "Tackle & Teabag Incident" (which subsequently resulted in you being banned from any future baptisms on Connie's side of the family) took place when you were still in your twenties, they weren't looking too good then either.
"Friend", indeed.
Posted by: Conrad (last name withheld) at June 24, 2009 6:39 PM
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your recent inquiry. We at Icme Products are always happy to answer any questions about our items.
Do they come in a wide variety of colors?
We do have several colors available, including Deep Valley Green, Cerulean, River Rockin' Red, Nellie's Nude and Canary Yellow. In addition, there is a neon collection near completion.
Are they microwave safe, for those chilly nights?
For both legal and safety reasons, we cannot recommend our products be heated, other than with body heat. The Testelow warms quickly upon contact with skin.
Are they scented?
This feature is still in development. If you would like to sign up for our e-newsletter, you will be immediately notified when any new products become available.
In conclusion, we are certain your "friend" will be completely satisfied with the Testelow. See our web site for customer testemonials.
Please let us know if we can be of any further assistance.
Sincerely,
Cindy
Posted by: Cindy at June 24, 2009 6:44 PM
As I recall, there was no tackling nor teabagging involved. Yes, I fell off the altar. No, I wasn't wearing any pants at the time. Yes, I might have helped myself to a bottle of the Blood Of Christ behind the desk in the Pastor's office. Does that immediately make me a teabagger? No sir, it does not. It makes you a peckerhead.
My balls are just fine, thanks...
Posted by: Skitz at June 24, 2009 6:45 PM
Damn, I can't even spell my own product name.
Posted by: Cindy at June 24, 2009 6:47 PM
I'm with Tracer Bullet. I guess I'm supposed to be mad about the BK ad because it has a woman and potential innuendo in it, but I'm just not feeling it.
Posted by: Eep at June 24, 2009 6:50 PM
Hello, Cindy
I too, have a "friend" who could use one of these. His name's Jeremy and his testicles look like they were dipped in spackle and put in a Panini Grill. If your products are scented, please let me know if there's one that comes in anti-"Dear God, You Smell Like A Port-a-Potty At The State Fair In August" scent.
Thank you.
Posted by: Conrad (last name withheld) at June 24, 2009 6:51 PM
...there are no words for how much I hate you right now...
Posted by: Skitz at June 24, 2009 6:54 PM
Dear Mr. Last Name Withheld,
Thank you for your recent inquiry.
I'm sorry to say that the scent you have requested is not on our list this year. We are, however, considering a Pine Kitty Litter bouquet. Apparently we have a large feline patronage.
We do have a suggestions area under customer service on our web site.
Sincerely,
Cindy
Posted by: Cindy at June 24, 2009 7:27 PM
Jesus, people. We know who your Droopy Balls Friend is! We've seen the fotos! Stop trying to be all appropriate and sheepish. Just say it: Everyone Poops, and I'm Friends With Cisco Adler.
The Kush is more offensive than the Meat Rocket; may I opine?
What's wrong with a nice blowjob? Everyone likes them! More things in life should make you say, "Huh, you know what would make this day perfect? If I blew you." That's just common sense unless you're at church or work.
The Godforsaken KUSH, on the other hand is just more of the hike and slice movement that one of these days is going to make us all forget what a natural born boob or bajingo looks like, and babies will crawl around trying to suckle hydrants.
Posted by: Stacy D at June 24, 2009 10:54 PM
If I order RIGHT FUCKING NOW do I get two for the same low price? And how many easy payments is that? Dammit, are operators standing by? And isn't that a clever cleaver? And ... oh, wait, 'scuse me a minute ...
*reels in megashark with Popeil Pocket Fisherman*
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 25, 2009 12:36 AM
*dices megashark with Ronco Shark-a-matic*
*places sharkburgers on George Foreman grill*
*waits three minutes*
Hey, who's hungry?
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 25, 2009 12:38 AM
YOW! Just looked at the BK ad.
Reminds me of a commercial I saw years ago, part of the Inspector 12 series of ads for I think it was Hanes. Inspector 12 was a matronly woman who inspected the underwear for rips and tears and then stuck one of those "Inspected by No. 12" little paper slips in the package. Anyway, Inspector 12 had a trainee, a nubile young trainee, if you get my drift, and she was showing the trainee how to do the job.
The last shot is of the two of them, face to face in closeup, extolling the virtues of the men's briefs, while behind them is a torso mannequin with a pair of undershorts on and a large bulge in the crotch, right between their yappity mouths.
I only ever saw this ad once, like 35 years ago, but I'm certain I did not hallucinate it. Somebody find this and get it up on YouTube, STAT!
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 25, 2009 12:49 AM
If Stacy D doesn't earn some EE fame & glory tomorrow, I'm gonna be cheesed.
Posted by: Lauren at June 25, 2009 1:18 AM
The Kush doesn't even look as though it would stay there all night, either.
This product is ridiculous, and I say this as a seven-month-pregnant woman who has gotten to the sad, sad point where she has to powder under her boobs because they're droopy and big and just kind of rest there.
I for one highly approve of Miley setting an excellent example for the "PPP" girls to follow.
Love ya! xoxoxoxoxoxox
Humbert-Humbertdaddy