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Ha Ha, Jay Leno Still Sucks

By Stacey Nosek | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (31)

leno-porsche-towed.jpg

Huh, that was totally smart for NBC to make giant asses out of themselves and throw Conan O’Brien under the bus for the fat sad sack of fart wind Jay Leno, because now “The Tonight Show” as hosted by Jay Leno is underperforming even more than it was with Conan. (Warming Glow)

Even though M. Night Shyamalan’s movies have been getting more progressively shitter than my cat’s litter box throughout the week, he’s got a top secret project in the works with a few big names attached. (Film Drunk)

The posters for Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps (money never sleeps? What in the silly fuck does that mean anyway?) are out and they look rather Godfather-esque. (Agent Bedhead)

Here are seven of the most memorable reunion movies. I’m not even joking, Romy and Michelle is still one of my all time favorites. (Screen Junkies)

And here are nine unintentionally hilarious movie deaths. (Uproxx)

Los Angeles residents are to be warned: The Andy Dick Terror Level Alert Chart is rapidly approaching “red.” (Celebslam)

What’s even worse than giving Toy Story 3 a middling review? Comparing it to the Holocaust. Suck on that, haters! Thanks, Jodi! (Slash Film)

Watching a plane go down in a movie from the perspective of the passengers is one of the most uncomfortable things ever, and here is proof. In fact, the only thing more uncomfortable is probably seeing people get sewed together, ass to mouth. (Unreality)

Sexy old broad extraordinaire Helen Mirren has gone topless for New York Magazine. Rowr. (Evil Beet)

WOW. What’s the only thing kids hate more than the maths? Terrible rap music, as sung by really unhip white guys. (mental floss)

Jerry Seinfeld says that Lady Gaga is a jerk and he hates her, but that’s OK because I think Jerry Seinfeld is a jerk and I hate him; and now I just want to tie him to a chair and force him to listen to “Poker Face” until his ears bleed. (Celebitchy)

Yesterday I got totally excited about the new Donkey Kong Country video game, but if it’s even possible I may be more excited for this video game where cute teddy bears beat the motherloving crap out of each other. (Gamma Squad)

Now, I don’t want to start any slanderous, horrible rumors or anything, but Gary Coleman’s widow or ex-wife or whatever the hell she was almost definitely murdered him. (DListed)

I’m a little late posting this — which has inadvertently become a pattern with me lately — but here’s an excellent mash-up to Keisha’s (I refuse to put that asinine dollar sign in there) hateful, hateful song “Tik Tok” (which I also refuse to spell in asinine sticky caps):

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.









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Comments

U S A! U S A! U S A!

Posted by: eskiimomo at June 23, 2010 12:15 PM

I'm a creepy pirate dummy and I'm rappin' for Je-bus.
I look like I'm from Satan so you'll never believe us.
You shouldn't have sex and you shouldn't smoke grass.
Take it from the dummy with a hand up his *record scratch*

Posted by: MC Pirate Dummy at June 23, 2010 12:16 PM

The first unintentionally funny movie death that came to mind was the random guy in Titanic who bounces as he falls to his death once the ship goes all vertical. The first time I watched that movie, my date couldn't stop laughing and gasping, "He bounced... he bounced."

Posted by: superEdna at June 23, 2010 12:24 PM

You know, from what I heard of the Seinfeld diatribe (couldn't access your link), I kind of don't blame him. He's pissed because her bad behavior was rewarded; isn't that what we complain about for celebrities all the time? Plus, as much as I appreciate her wackass fashion at times, when you're in the real world, put on some friggin' pants.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at June 23, 2010 12:24 PM

Posted by: The_wakeful at June 23, 2010 12:27 PM

DONOVAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Kballs at June 23, 2010 12:31 PM

Super disappointed not a single death from Cabin Fever was on that list, but man, I do love that car crash in Meet Joe Black. I was 14 and about to cry at how many cheesy missed glances there were in that scene and then BAM.

Posted by: A. Sefa at June 23, 2010 12:42 PM

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now Poker Face is stuck in my head...

pah pah pah poker face pah pah poker faaaaaaace

Posted by: Tammers at June 23, 2010 12:47 PM

Aw what the fuck, Tammers. That was uncalled for.

::jams pencils into ears::

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at June 23, 2010 12:53 PM

Wow, now I might actually have to start liking Jerry Seinfeld.

HEY-OH!

Posted by: ChristianH at June 23, 2010 12:56 PM

In the one with all the reunions movies.
This sentence, "Channing Tatum in a surprisingly intense performance as Antonio, Montel's doomed childhood friend."
Wait, what?!?!

Posted by: Nimue at June 23, 2010 1:03 PM

Seinfeld is within his bounds to hate her. They put her stupid, drunk ass in HIS luxury box (that he pays for) without asking. Sorry, but skanks getting to use my luxury box for being obnoxious? That would be a hell no. So, Team Jerry.

Posted by: ninetwenteetoo at June 23, 2010 1:13 PM

"Channing Tatum in a surprisingly intense performance as Antonio, Montel's doomed childhood friend."

I'm guessing that means that he squints harder than he has ever squinted before. While shirtless. He must always be shirtless.

Posted by: jM at June 23, 2010 1:13 PM

Parts of my body are reacting to Helen Mirren in ways I never expected...


...(and it's about time M. Night Shaymalaymamama did another movie with Bruce Willis. Both of their careers could use it).

Posted by: Barnes78 at June 23, 2010 1:21 PM

That Cast Away crash was pretty horrific to watch. I remember I actually ended up getting nauseous and a bit of vertigo. Can't watch it again.

And obviously not a movie, but the crash in Lost was pretty spectacular, too. Just completely terrifying.

Posted by: figgy at June 23, 2010 1:27 PM

I bet Leno is crying all the way to the bank.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at June 23, 2010 1:29 PM

I still can't get that Shia LaBoeuf as Gollum picture from the other day out of my head. But those homicidal Teddy Bears help.

Posted by: Odnon at June 23, 2010 1:36 PM

The plane crash list cannot be taken seriously, as it does not include United 93: the most uncomfortable plane crash movie of all time.

Posted by: Bistro at June 23, 2010 1:37 PM

And as for Sienfeld:
Seinfeld first said when asked about the June 10th incident, reports the NY Post, “I wish her the best.. you take one ‘A’ off of that and you’ve got gag.”
That's why he got bazillions of dollars right there.
Sheer Poetry.

Posted by: Odnon at June 23, 2010 1:40 PM

I make no bones about it: The first link I clicked was the Helen Mirren one.

And if not for the fact that I have a rule against married people, all that talk about pink handcuffs and dildos would have had a greater effect.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 23, 2010 1:44 PM

Godtopus bless Helen Mirren and her spectacular rack.

Anyone who pays $100 for a cat toy should be shot.

People watch The Tonight Show? Really?

People listen to Jerry Seinfeld? Really?

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at June 23, 2010 1:51 PM

Seinfeld is within his bounds to hate her. They put her stupid, drunk ass in HIS luxury box (that he pays for) without asking. Sorry, but skanks getting to use my luxury box for being obnoxious? That would be a hell no. So, Team Jerry.

Exactly.

Posted by: Jay at June 23, 2010 2:26 PM

Each time I successfully forget the Human Centipede premise, someone brings it up again! STOP IT!!!

Posted by: Laura at June 23, 2010 2:27 PM

“The Tonight Show” as hosted by Jay Leno is underperforming even more than it was with Conan.

This makes me very happy. But I wonder if it makes Conan more or less sad.

Posted by: EricD at June 23, 2010 2:36 PM

Jerry Seinfeld is an unfunny douchebag, and his opinion of anything is worth less to me than a bucket of cold piss.

Posted by: The Kilted Yaksman at June 23, 2010 2:51 PM

Lady Gaga is an untalented shit stain, and her antics at any event is worth less to me than a bucket of warm diarrhea.

Posted by: Case at June 23, 2010 7:22 PM

Anyone who pays $100 for a cat toy should be shot.

Well, fire away, M'Lady.
I paid $125 for a window-height, carpeted "cat tower" and it's been the first thing to draw their attention completely away from the multi-hundred dollar furniture that I DON'T want them scratching their claws on.

And I'm not about to get them declawed, so take that probable suggestion and (ever so kindly, being as you are one of my favorite Pajibettes) stuff it.

Both of these cats are older ADOPTED adult females.
Declawing an adult cat would be the same as cutting YOUR fingers off, at your current age, at the first knuckle; the first knuckle back from the tip (I was a veterinary technician for seven years -- I've seen it all) -- it's incredibly painful, as I'm sure you are able to imagine what having your fingers cut off in that manner would feel like.

So, yeah... I paid an exorbitant price for something that both preserved my older cats' health, and my higher-priced furniture.

But if that makes me mentally defective, please go ahead and put me out your misery.

Posted by: Rykker at June 23, 2010 7:27 PM

Ke$ha.
i can understand not wanting to include the asinine $.
But why'd you stick an "i" in there?

Posted by: Scott at June 23, 2010 8:58 PM

"Even though M. Night Shyamalan’s movies have been getting more progressively shitter than my cat’s litter box throughout the week,"
Really? do proof read anything you post?

Posted by: Jack Random at June 23, 2010 9:17 PM

"do proof read anything you post?"

Obviously you don't.

Posted by: Native American Joe Pesci at June 24, 2010 2:29 AM

Stacey, I just had to say that your taglines today made me laugh out loud. I don't normally say laugh out loud and I refuse to write the acronym which shall not be named, but I did, in fact, laugh out loud. And I approve of not putting the dollar sign in she who shall not be named's name. Ugh. Putting a dollar sign in your name is totally the 00's version of dotting your i's with hearts.

Posted by: tinmo at June 24, 2010 10:16 AM