free counter with statistics Pajiba Love 06/22/09 | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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It Slices, It Dices ... It Wipes Poo Off Your Bum!

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | June 22, 2009 | Comments (61)

I know you guys have been dying for this: Here’s the first-ever review of the amazing Comfort Wipe. Don’t all run out and buy them at once, now. (Impulsive Buy)

Jennifer Aniston has a new boyfriend, is probably pregnant and was abducted by aliens. OK, so not really any of those things are true but she did go on a date with Bradley Cooper. (Webster’s)

Here’s a look at what exactly it is that makes a Sam Mendes film. (Film School Rejects)

If you guys weren’t aware, PBS has got a new documentary out called Ask Not, which explores the history of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” I haven’t seen it yet but it looks like a fascinating watch. (FourFour)

Steven Soderbergh and Brad Pitt’s Moneyball shut down production on the eve of filming when Columbia pictures thought better of financing it. Or, they figuratively took their “money” “ball” and went home with it. Zing! (Celebitchy)

Year One was so bad it actually make “SNL” alum Victoria Jackson cry. But to be fair, she’s kind of, you know, insane. (Film Drunk)

I grew weary of “I’m a Celebrity…” after week two, so apparently I missed bugs implanting larvae into Stephen Baldwin’s skin. Jesus H. Christ. (Seriously? OMG!)

Art Directors and CNN Producers are one thing, but Jesus — now even restaurant servers can get fired now for blogging? This is getting out of control. (KansasCity.com)

What if “Lost” were really a 90’s sitcom? OK, I don’t even watch “Lost” (I know, I know …) and I found this hilarious. Thanks, Jerce! (TV Squad)

Wow, can you believe Meryl Street is 60 already? Well, yeah, I can kind of believe it. At any rate, here are 60 ways to celebrate Meryl Streep. (Film Experience)

If you thought Asher Roth was a huge turd, check out the new “rap” sensation “sweeping Fox Nation.” If by “sweeping Fox Nation” they mean confusing the hell out of bewildered audience members. Thanks, Rita! (Daily Kos)

Here’s a live-blogging of the Much Music Video Awards, which I guess is like the Canadian version of the VMA’s, except it’s Canadian so nobody cares. Aw, just teasing, my little Northern friends. (Notes On Bar Napkins)

Can you pick out these famous TV homes? It’s harder than you’d think, I only scored four out of ten on this quiz. (mental floss)

“What am I? What am I?” This clip has been around for awhile, but I’ve yet to see and it totally made me laugh, so hopefully it will be new to you guys too. Thanks, Lauren!

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

except it’s Canadian so nobody cares.

Yes, but as JerBear pointed out last night, it's also considerably less douchey than MTV. But then, what could be more douchey than MTV?

Posted by: lizzieborden at June 22, 2009 1:08 PM

Art Directors and CNN Producers are one thing, but Jesus — now even restaurant servers can get fired now for blogging? This is getting out of control.

This is why I try to keep all mention of work off my blog, save for one or two posts. Do I think I'm going to get fired for blogging? No, but since there's the possibility, I'm doing my best to make sure it doesn't happen.

Although the other day my boss was talking about how she wanted to get on Twitter. I'm hoping that doesn't happen until I'm not working for her anymore.

Posted by: Genny (actually Rusty now) at June 22, 2009 1:10 PM

Yay! More products for the morbidly obese to assist them in remaining morbidly obese! Thanks Comfort Wipe!

Posted by: wsapnin at June 22, 2009 1:13 PM

except it’s Canadian so nobody cares.

Oh believe me, even Canadians don't care about things that are Canadian. Most of our media is pretty much just a bastardized version of America's, actually. Except for Corner Gas. Corner Gas is the SHIT.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at June 22, 2009 1:19 PM

Truthfully, their flow isn't bad . . . for a pair of pancake-ass honkies who jerk it to pictures of Margaret Thatcher and wonder why more black people can't be hilarious and polite like that lovable Webster instead of angry like that militant Arnold Jackson. "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Installing Ron Karenga as Dictator-for-Life, no doubt.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 22, 2009 1:23 PM

Tracer, those guys are gonna be on the side stage next year. You wanna go give them atomic wedgies on stage?

The very existence of that video makes me want to stab something/one.

Posted by: TK at June 22, 2009 1:25 PM

Hey Stacey, that Mental Floss link isn't working.

Thank you for that video! I'm going to walk around yelling, "WHAT AM I?" for the rest of the day.

Posted by: Melissa at June 22, 2009 1:28 PM

Those clowns have been getting atomic wedgies since preschool when they would bring copies of Weekly Standard for show and tell, and cuddle with a Lil' Ronnie doll at naptime. I'm sure they've got ass cheeks of iron by now. No, I want to lock them in a room with Chuck D and watch them cry until their penny loafers squelch with piss and snot.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 22, 2009 1:33 PM

DENZEL WASHINGTON!

Posted by: J Stride at June 22, 2009 1:38 PM

"Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

Damn you Tracer, damn you to hell. Every time I hear (or read) that phrase I die a little bit inside. And I hear it A LOT. I swear to god, my insides must be 90% death by now. Sweet, squishy death.

Posted by: the_wakeful at June 22, 2009 1:55 PM

Cracked has an awesome article about the "rag on a stick" wiper...
http://www.cracked.com/blog/?p=10106

Posted by: jotthedot at June 22, 2009 2:02 PM

Well, what WAS Willis talking about? In all the years of that show no one ever answered Arnold's question!

Posted by: Bd at June 22, 2009 2:02 PM

Fuck this! If Asher Roth and those two douche nozzles can have any semblance of a career "rapping" about fucking college and conservative politics I'm twistin' my hat back and buttoning up the other suspender.

Swathmaster D in the house bitches! Y'all better ax somebody before I open my rifle case, grab my .306 and bust a cap in yo ass at 300 yards. Dairy farmers represent!

Posted by: admin at June 22, 2009 2:05 PM

So... does it slice and dice before or after it wipes poo off your bum? Or during?

...I don't think I want that.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 22, 2009 2:05 PM

Fuck fox news. (on topic)

Everythign below is a random rant on ivy league/college "oppression," feel free to ignore.

Things I have a problem with:

1)Darthmouth is by far the most conservative of the Ivy's. I mean that's like saying X is the best Uwe Boll Film, but it does make a difference. At Columbia you WILL be oppressed if you have a non-pc viewpoint, at dartmouth, you might still have friends. This is, of course, a generalization, there are some happy conservatives at columbia, and crazy hippies at D.

2)"oppressed" college students. It pisses me off to see these punk ass bitches try and pretend that they are "oppressed" white people at fucking dartmouth. They are not. They are most likely wealthy, spoiled brats who think having to drink fair trade coffee while taking a required class on africa constitutes oppression. No one who goes to a decent college should be allowed to say that, unless they are being actually harassed, assaulted, etc. Even those who attend college on a scholarship shouldn't wine. Having an opportunity to go to any decent college is a privledge that most americans do not have. Having an opportunity to go to a school as well-respected as an ivy (and i'm not saying that reputation is necessarily deserved) is extreme good fortune. Be freaking grateful dartmouth douche-nozzles.


3) Not all ivy-musical artists suck. 1) Chromeo: do some excellent synth-pop type stuff. 2) Some of the best rap I've ever heard came from two guys who went to Yale. They released a fantastic song called "fuck harvard" that mixed the usual calls to violence with commentary on Dosteovesky.

Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at June 22, 2009 2:05 PM

If you thought Asher Roth was a huge turd, check out the new “rap” sensation “sweeping Fox Nation.”

Oh my sweet baby Godtopus, their sheer whiteness has simultaneously caused me both snow blindness and snow deafness.

Posted by: branded at June 22, 2009 2:07 PM

Yeah, you kinda beat me to it, TB. The shorter guy was actually ok. Of course, my expectations may have been low since I was expecting another performance from MC Rove.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 22, 2009 2:07 PM

Oh, great. No one comes out of a Jennifer Aniston tryst without losing his soul. Bye, bye Mr Cooper.

Comfort wipe: ridged for your pleasure.

HAAAAAAA that Full House/Lost thing turned genius with Terry O'Quinn looking fucking terrifying. Hee.

Posted by: figgy at June 22, 2009 2:12 PM

Oh my sweet baby Godtopus, their sheer whiteness has simultaneously caused me both snow blindness and snow deafness.

Lucky you. I can still hear them and now I also have Informer stuck in my head.

Posted by: jM at June 22, 2009 2:15 PM

Lucky you. I can still hear them and now I also have Informer stuck in my head.

What the fuck does: "a licky boom-boom down" mean anyway?

Posted by: admin at June 22, 2009 2:22 PM

I love that video. It would be sweet justice for my daughter whenever she gets an extreme case of the 'whats' and 'whys',

Posted by: katy at June 22, 2009 2:25 PM

We're the sensation, sweepin' Fox nation- The station, Believin' in creation, makin' a donation to the GOP foundation.
It's a temptation, to believe in deflation. But we step back, fix that.
AND EXPORT DEMOCRACY TO THIRD WORLD NATIONS!
*Other guy jumps in*
Yo Yo! We're the big white guys takin' our country back.
That's why we gave AIDS to all the blacks.
*Awkward Silence*

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 22, 2009 2:26 PM

GASP! My favorite movie website is NOT allowed to misspell Maryl Streep's name!!! I recomment this site to other people!!!

For shame.

Posted by: Eva at June 22, 2009 2:38 PM

The first time I tried to watch that "rap" video, I lasted 31 seconds. The second time, 1:02. I'm sorry, I just can't do it. I wanted to throttle the guy after he said that he "supports life" while looking upward (I'm guessing he was thinking heavenward), because you know he's a big time death penalty fan.

Grr. Hypocritical bastards.

Posted by: tamatha at June 22, 2009 2:46 PM

I have never seen that video before. And now I'm laughing so hard I snorted coffee.
Owwwww.

Posted by: Sharon at June 22, 2009 3:02 PM

@ Optimus Rhyme: (ahem) BWAH-HAA-HAA.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 22, 2009 3:09 PM

@ Optimus: "since I was expecting another performance from MC Rove."

Never speak of that again. NEVER, you hear me?

"That's why we gave AIDS to all the blacks." *Awkward silence*

OK, that made up for it. I just cackled.

Posted by: TK at June 22, 2009 3:12 PM

admin
It indicates he employed the oral section, or front two-thirds (as opposed to the posterior pharyngeal section) of his tongue in a downward motion upon her "boom boom," which is a common euphemism for both nouns and verbs dealing with sexual acts or body parts involved with sex acts.

However, the "a" that precedes the phrase "licky boom-boom down" indicates that this is a noun phrase. In this case, "licky" could be adjectival, modifying a compound noun, "boom-boom down." Alternately, both "licky" and "boom-boom" may be adjectival, modifying "down." But that moves "down" from a directional preposition to a noun, changing the meaning to a salivating, explosive pile of pillow stuffing.

Pretty sure that's what he meant.

Posted by: Sharon at June 22, 2009 3:16 PM

GASP! My favorite movie website is NOT allowed to misspell Maryl Streep's name!!! I recomment this site to other people!!!

Oh, sweet irony...

"That's why we gave AIDS to all the blacks." *Awkward silence*

I literally cackled too. Good one.

Posted by: MM at June 22, 2009 3:17 PM

Optimus just won EE for sheezy.

Posted by: Snath at June 22, 2009 3:44 PM

GASP! My favorite movie website is NOT allowed to misspell Maryl Streep's name!!! I recomment this site to other people!!!

Irony, indeed.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 22, 2009 3:47 PM

Posted by: Sharon at June 22, 2009 3:16 PM

So did he, or did he not, eat the pussy?

Posted by: admin at June 22, 2009 3:49 PM

admin,

As a chick, I can tell you I would never let that jackass near my boom-boom, in either direction. So I'm guessing the answer is no.

Posted by: Sharon at June 22, 2009 3:51 PM

that clip of the "young Cons" has me in so much pain I'm damn near paralyzed.

Posted by: VinKong at June 22, 2009 3:59 PM

OMG, you have to read the review that Cracked did. Well it wasn't a review so much as a deeply disturbing delving into the world of customer service and customer returns.

Posted by: lawyergirl06 at June 22, 2009 4:03 PM

I took the house quiz and got 7 out of 10. Which told me two things. I watched way too much TV in my youth, and my youth was too long ago.

Posted by: EricD at June 22, 2009 4:16 PM

Don't jinx me, Snath!
And Figgy, I hope when you decide EE for this week you can look at the body of my work more than just several individual hilarious posts.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 22, 2009 4:55 PM

So did he, or did he not, eat the pussy?

I thought it was about prison blow jobs.

Isn't it?

Posted by: Jay at June 22, 2009 5:14 PM

I thought it was about prison blow jobs.

Well that makes "boom-boom" much more interesting.

Posted by: Sharon at June 22, 2009 5:18 PM

I hope when you decide EE for this week you can look at the body of my work

Sending her nudie pics of yourself is bribery. Damn her weakness for hot men!

Posted by: Melissa at June 22, 2009 7:03 PM

I got 9 out of 10 of the famous TV homes right. What evil trick of the universe allows me to identify the house from 'Eight is Enough' (a program I barely watched and hated like death) but occasionally draw a blank on my own phone number?

Posted by: greer at June 22, 2009 7:10 PM

Fucking Young Cons!

My favourite bit was their sly dig at the gays, and when they equate Christianity with conservatism. Religious views are not political views, fucknuggets.

I say this as a completely non-religious person, but still. The self righteousness on display made me want to choke them with a soiled Comfort Wipe. Which I suppose they wouldn't mind too much, since they're probably pro-death penality. Like God is!

Posted by: Simon A at June 22, 2009 7:56 PM

I want nudie pics and a poem.

Posted by: figgy at June 22, 2009 8:01 PM

I felt pretty embarrassed that I didn't get the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" house, considering that I watch the show so damn much. Then I felt kinda embarrassed that I watch a TV show so much I felt annoyed at myself for not recognising the exterior shot of the house of fictional characters. Then I felt confused about which was more embarrassing, and whether the two cancel each other out in any way. Then I felt kinda hungry, but also tired, and I decided to post a response here while I weighed the "sandwich Vs sleep" dilemma a little more. This concludes your Shay-feed.

Posted by: Shay at June 22, 2009 8:03 PM

Because I've always wondered: What does the H. in "Jesus H. Christ" stand for?

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 22, 2009 8:26 PM

Huey.

Posted by: figgy at June 22, 2009 8:29 PM

Way to bring the Rhyme, Optimus.

*slow clap*

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 22, 2009 8:33 PM

Why is Mike Huckabee even still around? He needs to go the fuck away. As a Conservative Catholic, he makes my blood boil. He reminds me of every fundie I went to school with that told me I was going to Hell because I'm Catholic. And while I'm on a tangent, I never understand any pro-life people who believe in the death penalty. Hello...you can't save the baby just to fry it when it's an adult.

Ummmm, yeah, back to topic.....I think those guys are just plants by the Democratic Party to help the Republican Party down the path of their long, painful media-seppuku. I refuse to believe those two dudes are for real. Refuse.

Posted by: stardust savant at June 22, 2009 9:52 PM

Shay, you just killed me. I suggest ice cream. It's delicious and filling. Also, calcium! nutritious!

(P.S. I didn't get the Buffy house either. I have officially watched the entire run of the series AT LEAST 8 times, and more for earlier seasons. I just couldn't decide if it was or not! I blame lack of sleep, 'cause I certainly ain't hungry.)

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 22, 2009 10:20 PM

Oh, and my parents always told me the H. was for Horatio.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 22, 2009 10:21 PM

Jesus 'Hotpants' Christ.

Posted by: Daniel Hall at June 22, 2009 10:45 PM

No, no, no. The "H" was a shortened nick name.

Jesus "Hardgay" Christ.

Posted by: admin at June 22, 2009 11:01 PM

Don't tempt me Figgy. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 22, 2009 11:04 PM

And the H stands for Hallowed. As in Hallowed be thy name.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 22, 2009 11:11 PM

Why did I get the Buffy house right then? It looked a bit familiar, but the palm tree trunk sold it.

Posted by: Jay at June 22, 2009 11:17 PM

The H is for Humperdinck. Jesus Humperdinck Christ.

Posted by: branded at June 22, 2009 11:20 PM

And Figgy, I hope when you decide EE for this week you can look at the body of my work more than just several individual hilarious posts.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 22, 2009 4:55 PM
-----------------------------------------------
We're always looking at your body of work.

Posted by: Lauren at June 22, 2009 11:33 PM

I only guessed Roseanne's house correctly. I almost got Buffy's, but I was fooled by the shrubbery.

Posted by: Tarn at June 23, 2009 7:25 AM

Jay, I think I just overthought it. I do that. Just last week, I had a multiple choice test and got two wrong, both of which I had the right answer for initially. It's just the sort of girl I am.

We're always looking at your body of work.
Posted by: Lauren at June 22, 2009 11:33 PM

*snicker*

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 23, 2009 7:54 AM

I got 5 in the house quiz, which was mainly guess work seeing as I haven't even heard of half of those shows, let alone seen them.

And I think the Buffy house was tricky, I very nearly didn't pick it because it didn't look right to me. I think it must be the angle. Go with that.

Posted by: Carrie at June 23, 2009 9:54 AM

P.S. I didn't get the Buffy house either. I have officially watched the entire run of the series AT LEAST 8 times, and more for earlier seasons. I just couldn't decide if it was or not! I blame lack of sleep, 'cause I certainly ain't hungry.

AvonB, I've watched every episode at least three times, and have the entire series on DVD. I wish I could say I'd wavered in my choice, but I literally looked at it and went "That's not Buffy's house. I'd recognise that if I saw it." and clicked another option. Shameful, really.

Oh, and I opted for sleep. Probably for the best, as we had no ice-cream in my house and I'd just have craved some had I stayed awake long enough to read your post.

Posted by: Shay at June 23, 2009 11:33 PM