free counter with statistics Pajiba Love 06/16/08 | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Pajiba Love

Did you know? Goldfish will actually eat themselves to death. And when they do? They’ll see you in hell. (Animal Review)

Since Father’s Day was this weekend, does anyone want to take a guess who won “Father of the Year?” (WIMB)

I’ll use pretty much any excuse to link to a clip of the Spelling Bee “numb nuts” kid. Whee! (QuizLaw)

You know that whole “It’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean” argument? Well apparently, that’s a load. The chart says so. And I’m keeping my mouth shut. (YBNBY)

Kate Beckinsale insists on a “butt double” because she hates her huge, gigantic, disgusting, elephant-sized ass. (IDLYITW)

Fact: I will almost always choose a product with nice packaging design, even if I have to pay more for a possibly inferior product. I’m a sucker for good design. (Serious Eats)

For those of you who would rather get a battery acid facial before watching the Tonys, here is a recap. (Film Experience) Oooh, and Liza was there! (WIMB)

David Letterman and Spencer Pratt engaged in a battle of wits, which was basically the equivalent of a chihuahua picking a fight with a wolverine. (The Blemish)

I have to admit it’s kind of endearing in a whorey way that Holly Madison would actually go grocery shopping in this outfit. (Popoholic)

First impression of ten random famous people. Although, my first impression of Alex Winter is that he has strangely grown into an old lesbian. (DeadbeatJones)

Boring old Metamucil finally gets a “Queer Eye” style makeover. (TIB)

Speaking of Metamucil, I never thought Bea Arthur could possibly make me love her more, yet amazingly she does. Bask in The Bea’s awesomeness, after the jump.

Pajiba Love | June 16, 2008 | Comments (28)

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

I'm glad they spelled out right up front that it's "The Authentic Women's Penis Size Preference Chart." I've been hoodwinked enough times already by those faux penis size preference charts. This whole debate is why I had my penis replaced with a squirmy puppy.

Re Metamucil: Bwuh. Everyone knows Citrucel is where it's at. (Oh, the things you learn when you get an intestinal disorder.)

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 16, 2008 3:57 PM

I think you made a good choice - girls like it when squirmy puppies drool in their face.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at June 16, 2008 4:09 PM

It also encourages heavy petting. BAM!

Thanks, I'll be here all week.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 16, 2008 4:17 PM

Socalled's been dying to use that joke, I'll bet. Worth the wait, though.

And fuck a bunch of goldfish. Lameass pets.

Plus, mine used to kill themselves by jumping out of the tank. Ungrateful bastards.

Posted by: TK at June 16, 2008 4:27 PM

I knew it! TK, when I was ten I had six goldfish that all committed mass suicide. When I came home from school they were all in a perfect line on the floor in front of the tank. My punk-ass sister tried to blame the cat, but it wasn't his fault that those fish had strong religious convictions.

Posted by: jM at June 16, 2008 4:34 PM

I committed goldfishicide when I was young. Twice. I'm a scary bedtime story under the sea. My first victim I pet to death. The second perished when I created a "super fun" whirlpool.

Posted by: Julie at June 16, 2008 4:41 PM

The second perished when I created a "super fun" whirlpool.

I know exactly what you mean. Macaroni seemed like a thrill-seeker. I was mistaken.

Posted by: jM at June 16, 2008 4:46 PM

Did anyone else think the The Authentic Women's Penis Size Preference Chart itself was too small?

Posted by: BWeaves at June 16, 2008 4:48 PM

Did anyone else think the The Authentic Women's Penis Size Preference Chart itself was too small?

That's the kind of irony that smacks you in the face with its meta-penis.

Macaroni seemed like a thrill-seeker.

Like some cheese on that fish-wich?

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 16, 2008 4:52 PM

Can we please stop linking idontlikeyouinthatway? The entire site is horrifyingly misogynistic (yes, I did just utter the dreaded "m" word). I was recently directed to a post where they refer to a woman's genitals as "a badly packed suitcase."
How simply wonderful that must be to read as a young, insecure girl.
Fuck insane male ideals and fuck that asinine site.

Posted by: serena at June 16, 2008 5:01 PM

I apologize in advance for the filthiness of this comment. No children should read this comment without parental guidance.

Fuck insane male ideals and fuck that asinine site.

Funnily enough, that is how I felt about female 'ideals' and that damn chart.

That is right. As a mutant deviant from the rest of the males in my race, my penis is quite small to average. Now you know why I only like lesbian porn: I have enough insecurity as is.

But at least I have mean cunnilingus skills.

As far as Kate's insecurity, does anyone else think it stemmed from her husband insisting she get naked and freaky in the Underworld movies? I mean, having your husband direct you humping some dude in front of cast and crew (and later on, millions of audience members) has to lead to some issues of self-consciousness.

This whole debate is why I had my penis replaced with a squirmy puppy.

Now I feel worse. Thanks a lot, socalledpuppypenis.

Best part of the goldfish link: the 'quote' from the Empress. The part about being a micromanager and the 'problem/opportunity' line were my faves.

Bea Arthur is my goddamned hero now.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 16, 2008 6:26 PM

And the overshare of the day award goes to....

Vermillion!

Your prize is a big gold penis trophy.

Posted by: greer at June 16, 2008 6:31 PM

Vermillion, don't feel bad about being hung like a light switch. Mine own wee willie winkie has become the stuff of legends around here. We can whip ours out and battle them like lightsabers! On second thought, it would probably just look like two sad turtles making out.

Posted by: insertclevernamehere at June 16, 2008 6:48 PM

And the overshare of the day award goes to....

Vermillion!

Your prize is a big gold penis trophy.

*takes a bow*

Thank you, oh thank you so much. I would like to thank my parents, for making me neurotic and desperate for attention. Thanks Mom and Dad! I also want to thank the internet and its relative anonymity, at least until any potential employers actually Google my name. Thanks to all the women who refused to give me a shot, and to Erica, my so-far only girlfriend, who gave me a taste and then took it away, making me feel even lonelier. Thank you Pajiba, for your low moral standards and acceptance (and sometimes willing employment; seriously, GIVE ME A GIG, ANYTHING, I BEG YOU) of sexual deviants. And thanks to socalled,Julie, and PissBoy for breaking the TMI barrier like none before.

And of course, thank you lesbians!

Posted by: Vermillion at June 16, 2008 6:51 PM

You folks are all making me laugh extra special shiny hard right now.

Thanks!

Posted by: Becky Tri-Tip Goddess at June 16, 2008 6:56 PM

Okay, PissBoy...I'll admit to having had some doubts about your casting Bea Arthur in our movie.
But after watching that clip, I can't wait to have her on set! It'd be awesome! Bea Arthur is my hero/ine!

All this talk about goldfish suicides are making me miss my hamsters. Not because they died...because they liked to kill goldfish in the middle of the night. They'd sneak into random peoples homes, assassinated them mafia-style, then lay them out to make it look like a suicide. Sniff, they were so cute. Then one day Paco choked to death on a fishbone...from a tunafish sandwich. The irony wasn't lost on the rest of them...they immediately committed seppuku to the last man...er...hamster. I buried with full honors in my toilet, out of respect for their unique moniker they came up with themselves: FishF*ckers. Rest in piece, ye little gods of fishy death.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 16, 2008 7:10 PM

Vermillion...no words can describe the magnitude of respect and awe and just a little fear at your magnanimous offer to share so much of yourself. You are truly a hero to all us geeks who look up to you. Thank you sir. Thank you.

{slow clap starts up in the back of the room, sweeps across the audience, and then everybody is on their feet clapping their hearts out for the speaker, some women wiping tears from their eyes.}

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 16, 2008 7:14 PM

I love you all very deeply. Very, very deeply.

Speaking of dead goldfish, we had a tank full of fish who would regularly attempt suicide, only to be saved and dumped back into the tank, to swim in depression for another day. They do learn, though, because after a while, they'd wait until the house was empty before leaping to their deaths. This, of course, was when Pokey, our Samoyed, the best dog ever and lover of all living things (excepting the pizza man), would amble over and try her darndest to resuscitate the floundering (ha!) fish by laying on top of them. She did this preseumably to keep them warm. She did not, however, consider the effect her massive weight and 3-inch long hair would have on the fish. In the end, we'd come home to a stinky dog and a flattened goldfish, pressed into the carpet fibers, its dead eyes wide with fear (obviously the last emotion it felt as it watched the gigantic white cloud in the shape of a dog descend upon it, smothering it's last breaths out of its tiny gills).

Posted by: Kolby at June 16, 2008 7:40 PM

I just wanted to give a RIP/shout out to STAN WINSTON. he died earlier. If you all like movies as much as I do, I am willing to bet that there are quite a few of his masterpieces on your all's favorite lists. He was a genius, and he was one of my biggest idols as a child. RIP.

Posted by: Some Guy at June 16, 2008 8:45 PM

Can we please stop linking idontlikeyouinthatway?

Maybe they should teach the concepts of irony and sarcasm in the public schools...?

Please don't stop linking to idontlikeyouinthatway.

I have been a feminist probably longer than serena's been alive, and I think idontlikeyouinthatway is frequently funny as all hell.

Posted by: Jerce at June 16, 2008 9:06 PM

All right girls. Serena and Jerce, I think you need to unknot your knickers and kiss and make up. A long, deep tongue kiss of making up.

See? Now we know who the enemy is! It's me! Now the two of you can empower each other by bashing my teeth in together. And you can celebrate your empowerment by kissing while you're teaching me the error of my ways, which will be more fun.

Some Guy: only 62! That's practically a teenager nowadays.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 17, 2008 12:29 AM

socalled, did you ever know that you're my hero?

Posted by: Vermillion at June 17, 2008 5:37 AM

Thank alot Verm - that's exactly the song I want playing in my head during my meetings this morning.

Posted by: Kolby at June 17, 2008 8:56 AM

Good form...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 17, 2008 9:06 AM

V, you're everything I wish I could be ...

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 17, 2008 12:29 PM

Really? Well, I can fly higher than an eagle. Do you know why?

...For you are the wind beneath my wings.

The wind. beneath. my. WINGS.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 17, 2008 12:49 PM

Nothing warms my heart like finding myself in a shitty, inexplicably popular weeper.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 17, 2008 1:15 PM

Oh, my God - I loved the Bea Arthur version of SATC. What excellent sports those women are.

Posted by: samantha t at June 17, 2008 4:02 PM