For being as completely ambivalent as I am about both Angelina Jolie and action movies in general, I’ll be damned if Wanted isn’t sparking my interest. Please just hurry up and tell me it sucks already. (WIMB)
Which is the better example of irony: Bill O’Reilly exemplifying humanity (TVFallsInTheWoods) or Daniel Craig cast as a Nazi-fighting Jew? (Galley Slaves)
It’s really not nice to steal from old people. Plus, those fuckers can be surprisingly agile. (QuizLaw)
Anaconda, Big Daddy, and other movies that have misleadingly pornographic sounding titles. (Cracked)
Dr. Drew finds that “Trying to retract a statement is like trying to un-shit a turd.” Tom Cruise, meanwhile, becomes distracted by the exciting prospect of poop going back in the butt. (Yeeeah!)
I think Lauren Ambrose is automatically delicious in any given situation as long as it doesn’t involve a laugh track. (Film Experience)
Quick! Somebody call Mike Rowe! We’re finally found a job more degrading than anything involving excrement. (Agent Bedhead)
Ha! Billy Bob says that Angelina is going through a “phase” and will totally come crawling back. Gotta respect a guy who’s a good sport about himself. (Celebitchy)
Breaking!! All this shit went down since I published this column: R. Kelly gets off (Deus Ex Malcontent) and Tim Russert drops dead at 58. (People) There is no justice in the world.
Watch this guy try to totally pwn atheism with a banana, and just for the hell of it, an idiot takes a weedwhacker to the chest; after the jump.
Wow. A few more minutes and this PL entry likely would have featured both R. Kelly's acquittal (!?!?) and Tim Russert's fatal heart attack. Holy shit.
Posted by: Sean at June 13, 2008 3:48 PM
My mother is bawling, she loved Russert. He was only 58, that's so sad.
Posted by: Julie at June 13, 2008 3:50 PM
Amen, Julie. My dad loved him too. Both for growing up in Buffalo and for Big Russ and Me.
Posted by: Sean at June 13, 2008 3:58 PM
Oh please tell me that picc of Angelina is photoshopped and her arms aren't really that twig thin....And I can't open the banana video right now, but I think I've seen it. One of these days I will make my own video response and point out to these idiots that the sweet yellow banana he's holding (as opposed to green, hard, have-to-be-cooked-to-be-edible plantains) was a spontaneous mutation that popped up around 1830 on a farm in Jamaica, which was then cultivated by the smart farmer who noticed it. Yellow bananas = evolution by artificial selection. ah well. At least it isn't as stupid as the "we think evolution=abiogenesis=spontaneous generation" peanut butter video.
Posted by: s. pisaster at June 13, 2008 4:06 PM
Me too on Russert. As I posted over at the Boozehound link, why couldn't it be one of the Fox News idiots? Russert was a great journalist and from what I know a really nice guy.
Posted by: PaddyDog at June 13, 2008 4:10 PM
No disrespect to the newly deceased, but that banana video left out how perfectly phallic it is, ideal for teaching giggling highschoolers how to properly use a condom, never mind its great uses for titillation and *ahem* "practice." Now, as for its allegedly non-slip wrapper, the guys must not have seen any good vaudeville - hell, even V for Vendetta showcased its awesome traction variability!
As for Sean's news, yes, that's very sad. Perhaps a PL addendum or two is in order?
Posted by: lordhelmet at June 13, 2008 4:13 PM
I love that banana video. There's so many ways to refute it. Like how the color and flavor of the banana was bred into it by farmers and that wild bananas are nearly inedible and have a pretty gross brown color (seriously, take a bite of a raw plantain sometime). My favorite refutation though is the grape. If the big guy loves us so much that he gave us the banana as the perfect food then why did he also make the grape so easy to choke on? Think about it, how many little children do you think have choked to death on grapes just in the last year? And if he's such a good the designer that he made the awe inspiring banana then why did he build us so flawed that food and air go down the same tube anyway?
Posted by: jbrader at June 13, 2008 4:27 PM
I was in a half hour meeting and more news happened in that time span than has happened all week. I'm incredulously speechless.
Thank goodness Chez was able to fashion an immediate crass joke about R. Kelly being acquitted. Cat-like reflexes on that one.
Tim Russert was brilliant. I loved watching him take the piss out of politicians on "Meet the Press." It's so sad.
And the R. Kelly news is unbelievable.
Posted by: HB at June 13, 2008 4:30 PM
Bananas: God's perfectly formed fruit. In yo' face athiests! YO FACE!!
Let's look at God's other fruits that prove His existence. There's the apple, which comes in attractive colors like green and red, which of course coincide with the colors of Christmas, ever heard of it? Only the birthday of Jesus! Plus the apple has that stem on the top for...twisting and saying the alphabet. When the stem breaks off it tells you that initial of the person that you will marry! God's plan!!
Posted by: Dangle McGee at June 13, 2008 4:32 PM
Wow, that's actually really sad. Tim Russert was fucking charming. He will be dearly missed.
Also, is it bad if I know know the names of all three guys on the cover art of Cracked's Anaconda mock up?
Posted by: Jeremy at June 13, 2008 4:36 PM
I don't understand why you think casting Daniel Craig as a Nazi fighting Jew is ironic. It isn't as though he is German or a Nazi or anything. Are you implying something by the way he looks? My boyfriend is Jewish, and both he and his brother have blue eyes and blondish hair. I believe the Bill O'Reilly story better exemplifies irony as it actually contains some
Posted by: Stephanie at June 13, 2008 4:44 PM
R. Kelly aquitted?!? They had a freakin' VIDEO TAPE!!! Did they actually believe the "It wasn't me" defense?
If there was one famous brother to go to jail and not pass go, it's that guy. Sheesh. Well, on to the next famous black person.
Posted by: happycat at June 13, 2008 4:49 PM
The athiest rebuttal video can just be someone pointing to the Russert and R. Kelly headlines. Nice try, accented Kirk Cameron side-kick. Nice try.
Posted by: Dangle McGee at June 13, 2008 4:51 PM
Man, I hated Tim Russert and looked so forward to watching MTP every Sunday, for some quality Russert hating. And, yet, I feel so sad (and shocked!) that's he gone! I spent so much time with him that, more than almost any other famous people that I don't know, I feel like I knew him. I am honestly bereft at his loss.
Posted by: megbo at June 13, 2008 4:59 PM
happycat, they don't have to be black - just famous. I believe Phil Spector is next.
Posted by: Three-nineteen at June 13, 2008 5:06 PM
"R. Kelly aquitted?!? They had a freakin' VIDEO TAPE!!! Did they actually believe the "It wasn't me" defense?
If there was one famous brother to go to jail and not pass go, it's that guy. Sheesh. Well, on to the next famous black person."
I'm not terribly well informed on the intricacies of the R. Kelly trial, because R. Kelly is disgusting and lame and I don't believe in him, but he and his pedophilic unpleasantness have made themselves rather inescapable of late, so I do know that, in addition to R. Kelly claiming it wasn't him in the video, the girl in question ALSO said it wasn't her in the video. As far as I know, the video was the primary evidence submitted by the prosecution, so I would imagine that is really the crux of issue here. It must be nearly impossible to prosecute a crime which the victim claims didn't happen to them.
s. pisaster: It's sadly not photoshopped. Angelina is disgustingly, distractingly skinny when not pregnant.
Posted by: serena at June 13, 2008 5:07 PM
It's sadly not photoshopped. Angelina is disgustingly, distractingly skinny when not pregnant.
Yeah, I have to say I have not been very pruriented by this movie's marketing, more "ewwww", plus I'm not interested in the movie anyway. Oh well, if your anticipointment is correct it'll soon be over and gone.
(Obviously McAvoy is never gonna top his role of Leto II. Why bother, Jimmy?)
Lots of non-Black famous people also get a walk in the courts. Your comment reeks of racism and I feel the need to object.
Also as Sarina said, this was a seriously flawed trial. As the biggest trial in Chicago in recent weeks, this has been all over the news here with daily courtroom updates from NPR. The video was the Prosecution's only evidence. It's an old video (the alleged victim is now 19), the prosecution's main witness was given immunity and had previously tried to extort a lot of money from Kelly, the alledged victim's own family went to a civil lawyer with the tape and not to the police. More members of her family agree that it is not she in the videotape. In other words, while he seems like a total scumbag, there was "reasonable doubt" by any judicial standards in this case. I would say this is actually a rare occurrence of a jury following legal instruction appropriately.
Posted by: PaddyDog at June 13, 2008 5:15 PM
Tim Russert dies at 58. I have a feeling Bill O'Reilly is going to live for fucking ever.
Posted by: greer at June 13, 2008 6:10 PM
Sucks to be you happycat.
Posted by: Pookie at June 13, 2008 6:55 PM
this friday the 13th totally sucks. i don't know what i'll do come november without tim russert and his little white dry-erase board.
Posted by: aprileee at June 13, 2008 6:56 PM
Quick...somebody call Alanis Morrisette!
What's ironic about Daniel Craig cast as a Nazi-fighting Jew? He played a Mossad assasin in Munich.
Posted by: Simon B at June 13, 2008 7:02 PM
Or assassin...if you prefer the traditional spelling.
Posted by: Simon B at June 13, 2008 7:05 PM
I'd love to see how Godophile Dundee explains the artichoke
Posted by: roslyn at June 13, 2008 7:31 PM
Can somebody please, please put my mind at ease and tell me that banana video is some class of a spoof or intentional irony or some such? I mean, really?!? God planned the shape of a banana to co-incide with the ridges on the human hand, but gave us chromosomal abnormalities and genetic dispositions towards cancer...why, exactly? To balance things out? "Well humans, you get this delicious and easy-to-hold fruit, but in return, many of you will die uncontrollable and random deaths. Enjoy!"
People like that guy make me believe even less in an all-powerful being; even if you buy his (retarded) logic, what he's saying is that God cared more about making bananas perfect than he did about you. Man, God's a jerk.
Posted by: Shay at June 13, 2008 8:02 PM
Hey, the artichoke is clearly a sign that the Godtopus loves each and every one of us very much. You don't even want to know what Tila Tequila had to do to earn the artichoke for humanity.
Posted by: BiblioGeek at June 13, 2008 8:09 PM
You don't even want to know what Tila Tequila had to do to earn the artichoke for humanity.
I could probably judge by the shape of the artichoke in full bloom...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 13, 2008 8:26 PM
Whoo! Go geezers!
Posted by: rlr260 at June 13, 2008 8:53 PM
Yeah, Daniel Craig already played a Jew in Munich. No stranger than Eric Bana's casting, I'd say.
Posted by: Lannie at June 13, 2008 9:03 PM
Uhhh... so was there some story on WIMB on how Daniel Craig was German, not British? Or how he is an anti-semite? No? So what the fuck is ironic? Fail.
Posted by: I Laugh At You at June 13, 2008 9:52 PM
Daniel Craig looks like a Neo Nazi. That is what is super random about the casting. I know there are blonde haired-blue eyed Jews in this world but seriously, Daniel Craig? He's like the most Arian of Arians.
Posted by: NotBlonde at June 13, 2008 11:06 PM
Except that Jewish people are split into two ethnic groups, the Sephardic and Ashkenazi (what?! "nazi" in a word about Jews? How ironic!). Sephardic Jews are from Southern Europe and the Middle East, while Ashkenazi Jews are from Northern and Eastern Europe, and their physical appearance is often reflective of the general ethnic type one might find in those areas. However, the difference in appearance between the so-called Aryan and Jewish populations of Western Europe (Germany, France, et cetera) can be attributed to bans on what the bigoted governments called mixed marriages; Jews were only allowed to marry other Jews, keeping the genes within the community. And isn't Craig playing a Polish Jew? He's just as likely to be blonde as anything else.
Posted by: Geetch at June 14, 2008 1:11 AM
So R. Kelly just plead insanity, right?
Exhibit A: Episodes 1-25 of Trapped in the Closet
*Cue Watching Montage* "I Pulled out my Beretta!"
"Turns Out he was a midget!" "The midget stripper got your fat southern wife pregnant!" *End Scene*
I rest my case.
Posted by: Rex at June 14, 2008 1:54 AM
It just plays into our perceptions about how Jews should look. Didn't Daniel Craig play a Jew in "Munich"? (I'm too lazy to look it up) I think we have this assumption that Nazis should be blonde and blue eyed because that's what the Nazi party was trying to promote in the 30's and 40's. But didn't Hitler (Big Nazi All - Might - Tee) have dark hair? (...Again, too lazy to look it up)
We're all a little ignorant, no? My neighbor almost ripped my head off when I told her she didn't look Italian. Big mistake. She went into this whole thing about how she was Northern Italian and all Italians don't look like Robert DeNiro and Blah Blah Blah Blappity. But I took it. Cause I deserved it. My bad.
Vacationed in Mexico last year and lots of people kept coming up to me and speaking Spanish, assuming I was one of the locals. They were quite shocked to find that I do not hablo espanol. Apparently I look Mexican. Who knew? I could have grown my eyebrows out and played Frida Kahlo.
Posted by: greer at June 14, 2008 10:49 AM
Maybe it was because you had that tile laying look in your eyes.
Posted by: Pookie at June 14, 2008 12:23 PM
I hate to be the bearer of bad news Shay but that clip is for real, Kirk Cameron and Mr. Dundee (I refuse to remember his real name) have been doing this for years. I grew up without cable so I had access to a lot of CBN. Unfortunately thats not even close to the weirdest thing he's said, I remember him and Kirk driving around LA, calmly discussing how sad it was that all these souls would burn in hell, and how it was their duty to administer the 5 minute conversion..they are disturbed
Posted by: roslyn at June 14, 2008 5:39 PM
She went into this whole thing about how she was Northern Italian and all Italians don't look like Robert DeNiro and Blah Blah Blah Blappity.
DeNiro is actually just a quarter Italian.
Posted by: Sulla at June 15, 2008 7:02 AM
Sulla, that just devastates me. If DeNiro is only 1/4 Italian, all of my illusions have been shattered.
...and now I must go have a word with my neighbor.
Posted by: greer at June 15, 2008 9:23 AM
Italians are a nuisance, but they make lovely spaghetti. Thanks.
Posted by: Pookie at June 15, 2008 12:11 PM
Thanks for the info roslyn! Of course, you've helped to destroy what tiny shreds of faith in humanity I had left, but that's beside the point.
Posted by: Shay at June 15, 2008 12:44 PM
If the banana is proof of God, then He must've SERIOUSLY fucked up on the pineapple.
Posted by: madamz at June 15, 2008 2:16 PM
Hey, if you want proof of God's existence, look no further than the mango...pure delicious heaven. Although I have to question his thinking with grapefruit...where was he going with that?
I'll admit, I'm so excited about "Wanted" I can't bear it. Now before you load up the Murder Tank, hear me out. James McAvoy. Common. Guns. Fast cars. Ridiculous stunts. Did I mention Common? The man is so sexy he's wrong. Oh and I love Angelina Jolie when she's being all murderous and shit...seems to come easy for her...maybe that's why I like her. Mind you I have been accused of being a psychopath.
Posted by: Joker at June 15, 2008 6:16 PM
thats weird. where did the guide to worst movie dads go? or did I hallucinate that?
Posted by: EricD at June 15, 2008 10:54 PM
what a joke! Demi Moore's hot pictures are found on an onliine ad*lt site seeki ngsugarmom ma.c om.. you know the site is a rich women seeking sugar babies site.. so it says she is looking for a sugar baby... haha..
Wow. A few more minutes and this PL entry likely would have featured both R. Kelly's acquittal (!?!?) and Tim Russert's fatal heart attack. Holy shit.