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G.I. Joe Movie May Suck More Than Previously Anticipated

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | June 12, 2009 | Comments (48)

There are rumors flying around that G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra had the worst test screening in the history of Paramount. Literally, they could have probably made a better movie with a camcorder and G.I. Joe action figures. (Agent Bedhead)

Because pictures of “athletic men in their undershorts generally tend to speak for themselves,” here is David Beckham and a thick rope. (Yeeeah!)

I had to temporarily suspend my efforts to ignore “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” to post this clip of Kate denying one of her kids a drink of water. This woman is a goddamn monster. Somebody send in child services, STAT. (Webster’s)

Ha ha! Here’s celebrity famewhore doctor “to the stars” Dr. Drew in his first broadcast television appearance. Let’s all point and laugh at him. (Seriously? OMG!)

Really, who needs to wear a codpiece and simulated nipples to kick ass? Here is a list of fight scene fashion for the “everyman.” (Screen Junkies)

If you model your get rich quick crime scheme from something badass you saw in the movies, chances are you’re probably going to jail. (Spout)

The marketing for Final Destination 4 has officially gotten out of hand after a lady who missed her flight on Air France 447 got killed in a car accident. Shit! (CHUD)

Here’s a list of the top 20 all-time Horror Science Fiction movies. When I was like six my mom watched Invasion of the Body Snatchers with me and afterwards I refused to sleep by myself for days because I thought there was a pod under my bed. Serves her right. (Bloody Disgusting)

And Then There’s This by Bill Wasik sounds like an interesting read of the current landscape of our blink-and-you’ll-miss-it viral pop culture. (Second Pass)

Sure, Harry Potter might be great and all, but guess what? You’re still reading a childrens’ book. Deal with it. (Holy Taco)

Oh my God gross! Michael Jackson has apparently been “mining” cartilage from his ears to rebuild his nose and now his left ear looks like the ear of a troll from Troll 2. (Celebitchy)

Here are five television aunts worth remembering. (mental floss)

Since I am all about anything involving Hammer Pants, here is a clip of a bunch of dancing people wearing Hammer Pants scaring the shit out of a bunch of hipsters. Thanks to Mr. Creosote, who I had the pleasure of meeting along with the lovely Mrs. Creosote at PajiBacon East!

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

The list of movies is perfection (and David Cronenberg is a genius).

I am going to scream if I have to hear/read one more word about Jon and Kate; that woman is just horrible.

Posted by: Cindy at June 12, 2009 1:10 PM

That video made my day. I need to get me some of those pants.

Posted by: Kolby at June 12, 2009 1:17 PM

Okay, say what you will, but that last Harry Potter book is intense. I don't think any childrens book would include that much bloody violence and swearing. Sure, it's not Fight Club novel. But seriously, I'm stunned more parents didn't complain. But then again, maybe they read the books and realized they're awesome.

I'm an English major, so I read all the high art sort of thing (I'm going through a list of Pulitzer Prize winners. I'm on The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay right now.), but I can still enjoy Harry Potter as much as (or more than) anybody.

Posted by: ChristianH at June 12, 2009 1:19 PM

They already made GI-Joe with action figures and a camcorder and called it Robot Chicken. In all seriousness, I would much rather watch GI-Joe if it were made that way.

Posted by: Prisoner 24601 at June 12, 2009 1:26 PM

"The Thing" only No. 2? That's a fuckin' travesty, a disgrace, a terrible injust ...


"Alien" No. 1?

Never mind.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 12, 2009 1:28 PM

What would have been your #1 choice, bucdaddy?

Posted by: Cindy at June 12, 2009 1:30 PM

The old guy in the headband - wasn't he a contestant on one of those Think You Can Dance shows from last summer?!?

Posted by: malikvlc at June 12, 2009 1:36 PM

I need to watch The Thing again. I really don't watch enough movies about mutant aliens with horribly disgusting (and god damned awesome) special effects.

Posted by: Snath at June 12, 2009 1:36 PM

Actually, the last four Harry Potter books are qualified as 'young adult' novels.
And really, who cares? Good reading is good reading.

Posted by: serena at June 12, 2009 1:39 PM

The thing I find most attractive about Beckham is his hair and they went and riuned it. Stupid artsy fartsy underear ads.

Posted by: elsie at June 12, 2009 1:41 PM

I have a special place in my heart for Altered States. Sensory deprivation is something I've always wanted to try.
That and the hammerdance up there. The beginning when the two guys start flying around sideways is priceless.

Aunts have really been phased out in today's high falutin' network shows. And where's Aunt Jackie from Roseanne, godamnnit!!!

Posted by: Kballs at June 12, 2009 1:49 PM

"It's GONE, MacReady!"

Posted by: Sin at June 12, 2009 2:14 PM

Also, where's Predator? An alien hunting you in the jungle doesn't count, but an alien hunting you on a ship comes in number one? Not sure I agree with that one...

Posted by: Sin at June 12, 2009 2:17 PM

I knew you were in league with that Australian troll, Nosek.

Posted by: Jay at June 12, 2009 2:18 PM

The mere fact that mega-slut Sienna Miller was cast in G.I. JOE should have been prima facie evidence that it's an unredeemable blow-fest.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 12, 2009 2:22 PM

WHERE DID THEY GET ALL THOSE HAMMER PANTS!?!

(I realize I'm focusing on the wrong thing, but seriously, where do you find that many gold lame harem pants? Is American Apparel selling them? I bet American Apparel is selling them.)

Posted by: Genny (actually Rusty now) at June 12, 2009 2:24 PM

Last night's Venture Brothers episode featured a "GI Joe"-style combat sequence. Damned if the Joes didn't look like the Village People when they stopped killing the bad guys.

Posted by: The Wanderer at June 12, 2009 2:29 PM

The mere fact that Channing Tatum was cast in G.I. JOE should have been prima facie evidence that it's an unredeemable blow-fest.

Honest to God, who continues to give this guy work?

Posted by: jimbob at June 12, 2009 2:29 PM

@ChristianH: the parents are too busy complaining about how the books are going to turn all their children into evil, devil-worshipping, Wiccan-loving pagans.

Fuck, that *IS* alotta Hammer pants. P.S., I love the old guy in the jacket and tie and headband with his Hammer pants.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. And by work, I mean returning to those Beckham pics and drooling. And possibly doing some Kegels at my desk. Nobody will even know! HA! Take that, responsibilities!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 12, 2009 2:41 PM

I watched that too, TheWanderer. I've never really liked Billy Quizboy and Pete White, but it was funnier than I expected.

Posted by: Snath at June 12, 2009 3:11 PM

Hey Genny (actually Rusty now), a quick Google search for "gold hammer pants" revealed you could buy them for a low price of $50.00.... If I hadn't just received a $100 red-light camera ticket, I could begin to consider getting some!

Posted by: Gnaius at June 12, 2009 3:25 PM

The mere fact that _________________ was cast in G.I. JOE should have been prima facie evidence that it's an unredeemable blow-fest.

There fixed it for ya.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 12, 2009 3:31 PM

Oh, and Hammer pants is love.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 12, 2009 3:32 PM

I caught the Hammer-Dance video somewhere last week, and it made me happy in the...yes, the pants. I am just as delighted to see it again here.

I want more Hammer Time! Can they do an Abercrombie & Fitch next time? Please?

Posted by: Jerce at June 12, 2009 3:52 PM

"There are rumors flying around that G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra had the worst test screening in the history of Paramount. Literally, they could have probably made a better movie with a camcorder and G.I. Joe action figures."

Isn't that like saying that your shit will stink worse than you thought after a night out on the town of Dennys and McDonalds washed down with a can of prunes and 7 Jack and Cokes.

Posted by: George at June 12, 2009 3:54 PM

I digress; my library files the Harry Potter books in the Young Adults section! HA!

Posted by: Agent Scully at June 12, 2009 4:01 PM

Sheesh, I really should read the other comments before adding my own insights.


Rock on serena.

Posted by: Agent Scully at June 12, 2009 4:05 PM

I think the best part about that video is the sharp contrast between the tight-ass hipster jeans and the gloriously roomy hammer pants.

Posted by: Marcela at June 12, 2009 4:49 PM

god, i wish i still had my purple hammerpants.

Posted by: djfox at June 12, 2009 4:58 PM

I almost hate videos that make me laugh loud enough for my neighbors to hear me... I'm sure they're questioning my sanity when that happens since I live alone.

Posted by: snapnhiss at June 12, 2009 5:24 PM

I would seriously love to get caught up in one of those flashmobs one day. I live in London, they're always doing ridiculous stuff for T Mobile in the middle of Leicester Square. Am I ever there? Noooo. I could easily be one of those people standing slack jawed in the background while people dance.

Posted by: Carrie at June 12, 2009 5:27 PM

Event Horizon and Species make the top 20 'all time' list, but Forbidden Planet and the original Day the Earth Stood Still don't?

/FAIL

Posted by: Dave at June 12, 2009 6:03 PM

Gnaius, via deep investigative research (I followed the link at the end of the vid) I found out that it's viral marketing for A&E's new "Hammertime" series, so I'm betting the television station provided the Hammer pants.

I still love the video, I just wish someone was selling Hammer pants so I could look at people just wearing them down the street and whatnot. (Still looking at you, American Apparel, purveyors of questionable taste and excessive amounts of lame and spandex.)

Posted by: Genny (actually Rusty now) at June 12, 2009 6:18 PM

I still read children's books as an adult, because there are so many that are incredibly good. J.K. Rowling was a classics major and includes many elements of mythology/etymology in her work--Remus Lupin, anyone?? People who scoff at adults who read Harry Potter are either fanatics who insist it's witchcraft or snobs who don't know a good story because it happens to be marketed for children and young adults.

And that was my rant for the day...

Posted by: bonnie at June 12, 2009 7:04 PM

Also, where's Predator?
I don't think Predator was as much a horror flick as it was an action flick, compare it to Alien and it had no where near the suspense.

Event Horizon and Species make the top 20 'all time' list, but Forbidden Planet and the original Day the Earth Stood Still don't?

/FAIL
I'll give you Species but don't you dare say shit about Event Horizon. It was the only film to every really creep me out (and yes I am a horror nut and no, technically it wasn't the only film to really creep me out Freaks did a good job too) I mean come on? Can you see???? Can you see???? Plus Sam Neill and Laurence Fishburne? Your fingers should be broken for spilling such travesty.
I don't think Invisible Man should be on that list, it opens the door for way to many things. Like, The Stuff, Signs, Frankenstein, Phantoms...

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 12, 2009 7:19 PM

Take that, you fucking hipsters! It's Hammertime. And yes, I will be watching the show. Shut up.

Posted by: greer at June 12, 2009 8:05 PM

What would have been your #1 choice, bucdaddy?

Posted by: Cindy at June 12, 2009 1:30 PM
---
"Alien" is a fine No. 1. I was making a little joke. Perhaps too little.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 12, 2009 9:03 PM

Undeniably brilliant -- found this blog post on YMC about the marketing strategy behind this video. Really worth reading. Some seriously clever bastards: http://bit.ly/F7IKc

Posted by: zach at June 13, 2009 12:43 AM

Aw hey! I thought Event Horizon was real cool, actually. I'm all, '...Millah!' in a squeaky, breathless voice when I think of it. Did they make it? I DON'T KNOW! That and choosing my karaoke song is why I have insomnia, okay? It's scary shit and this from the all-time number one Alien/s fan.

And another XKCD comic in honor of the video:

http://www.xkcd.com/210/

Posted by: replica at June 13, 2009 2:26 AM

"Some seriously clever bastards"
---
"There Ain't Half Been Some Clever Bastards"

-- Ian Dury and the Blockheads

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 13, 2009 3:06 AM

"The Thing" only No. 2? That's a fuckin' travesty, a disgrace, a terrible injust ...

"Alien" No. 1?

Never mind.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 12, 2009 1:28 PM
____________________

Hmm, I wonder what , meant there? Guess Cindy and I will forever be in the dark about ,'s personal preferences.

What a pisser.

And in case you're wondering, Cotton Candy confuses and angers children under the age of 2, especially if you don't let them shove it in stranger's socks and golf shorts.

Posted by: Kballs at June 13, 2009 3:11 AM

Oh please, Hammer! Don't hurt 'em!

Posted by: Mick J at June 13, 2009 5:13 AM

kballs, Cindy,

Christ. *waves hand dismissively*

OK, OK, I'll 'splain to ya:

I was miming that when I got to No. 2 on the list, I was pissed because "The Thing" obviously should have been No. 1. But then I saw the No. 1 and there went my argument. "Alien" rules.

'K? Class dismissed ... not so fast, Cindy, if you want to improve that grade you can see me in my office. 10 p.m. Pick up a bottle of Jack. *wink*

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 13, 2009 10:50 AM

Sweet Jesus in Jodhpurs, the films they missed on that list:

The Fly (the original - help me!)
It! The Terror from Beyond Space!
Forbidden Planet

And, of course, the most horrifying of all:
The Care Bears Movie. Oh, the horror ...

Posted by: The Wanderer at June 13, 2009 7:43 PM

TCFKAB, I was making fun of Cindy for missing your obvious love of Alien as the #1 choice.

I respect you too much to call you out for missing that.

Your friend,
Kballs

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Posted by: Sandra at June 14, 2009 3:06 PM

We're cool, balls, K?

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 14, 2009 3:29 PM

I think the saddest thing about that clip of Kate(satan) and the Plus Eight, is how resigned the kids 'You're so mean' sounds.
It's not shocked like 'Oh my god you've just done this totally out of character thing which has completely surprised me!', its more like 'You're so mean, this is a fact, I know it because I've had years to come to realise it, you're a horrible person'

I heard about another, similar incident recently where one of the brood wanted something and she not only denied the kid what they wanted but went on to lament how hard her life was. I mean for fucks sake, the bitches husband just incredibly publically cheated on her, by the nature of media she should be made out to be the saddest most put upon human being ever, look at fucking Jennifer Anniston! The Media loves a wronged woman! But nooo, she's managed to take all the sympathy she should have and vomit it back into the faces of the people offering it. I hope the kids get to live with their dad and his gf spoils them rotten, I'd rather see them in ten years as spoiled pseudo celebs than seeing them on the news finally being rescued from the sweat shop she;s running out of their basement, having turned to wallet making when the tv show goes belly up

Posted by: Nadine at June 14, 2009 4:24 PM