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When I Think About You, I Touch Myself

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | June 11, 2009 | Comments (45)

Here’s a retrospective list of some of the best “been caught masturbating” scenes ever captured on film. It’s an art, really. (Screen Junkies)

Bret Michaels says that he risks going into diabetic shock and dying so he can sufficiently “pleasure” his ladies. And they say chivalry is dead. (Webster’s)

Ha ha! Stupid Miss California is out of a job, and of course it’s like this big thing now. Oh boo hoo, you’re not the bikini and formal wear-wearing representative of your state anymore. (DListed)

Our own Beckylooo got to attend a taping of “So You Think You Can Dance” and here is a full report back from the front lines. (TV Falls in the Woods)

As you’ve already heard, “It’s Always Sunny” is currently in town filming. Any other Philly residents want to join me for some stalking? I’ll wear my best stalking pants. (Philebrity) & (Philly.com)

I have absolutely no intention of seeing a Whedon-less “Buffy” movie, yet these casting rumors going around still made me want to punch things. (Bloody Disgusting)

This is awesome. Shepard Smith calls out all the insane Fox viewers who routinely email with their psychotic ramblings about Obama. (Deus Ex Malcontent)

Here’s another round of The Most Disturbing Animals on Earth. If you have a fear of spiders, I’d suggest not clicking because I went a bit lightheaded, myself. (atom)

I’ve been documenting Heather Graham’s poor fashion choices during the international The Hangover premiere-a-palooza — but seriously now, what the fuck Heather Graham?! (Popoholic)

This is too bizarre not to link: Monica Lewinsky surfaces after nearly a decade to hang out with … Alan Cumming? OK, I’ll buy it. (Celebitchy)

Sigh. here are seven signs that you’ve become an adult. Although, I tend to think people do still think it’s cute when I fuck up. Come on! I’m a lovable drunk! (Holy Taco)

The two hot Danicas showdown. McKellar vs. Patrick. Anyone who’s been religiously reading The Love for awhile doesn’t have to ask which side I fall on. (Jezebel)

Was it a good day today? Well let’s see, according to this handy flow chart based on Ice Cube’s song “It was a Good Day Today.” Thanks, AdaHaze! (Flickr)

Remember Dixie Carter from “Designing Women?” Of course you do. But I bet you didn’t know that she was balls-to-the-wall shit house insane, did you?

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

"Come on! I’m a lovable drunk!"

Based on several experiences, I can confirm this. Better that than the quiet/surly drunk, which I gravitate towards.

Posted by: TK at June 11, 2009 1:13 PM

I know you warned me not to click on the scary animal link, but I didn't listen.

I think I just shat in my desk chair out of fear.

Next time, I will listen.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at June 11, 2009 1:18 PM

Posted by: celery at June 11, 2009 1:20 PM

Number 7 makes me weep.


I don't want to be an adult anymore.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at June 11, 2009 2:09 PM

Dixie's creepy laugh at the end was the worst part.

Phoebe Cates, why won't you age you fucking beautiful bitch??!!!

Posted by: Cindy at June 11, 2009 2:10 PM

Damnit, you guys are making me want to click the scary animal link even more now!! AHHHHHGGHGH!

Posted by: Alex at June 11, 2009 2:11 PM

I haven't stopped biting my tongue since that fucking parasite picture.

Or, Ah habent thdobbed biding meh dung thinthe-you get the point.

Posted by: Erin S at June 11, 2009 2:14 PM

Ahahaha I love the sound of weeping Whedonites in the morning...

AAAAAAAAAH FUCK!

Do you SEE why I hate big fish? DO YOU SEE IT? They're fucking TERRIFYING. The spiders I can deal with, but the fish? hell fucking no. Those things are MONSTERS.

Posted by: figgy at June 11, 2009 2:21 PM

I remember the exact moment I realized I was an adult. It wasn't graduating from high school or college or getting a job or even buying a house. I always felt like I was just house-sitting until the real owners came back.

Anyway, my new house has a wood floor in the kitchen and so I bought a vacuum cleaner attachment that would let me clean it. When the dust bunnies started rolling across the floor, I figured it was time once again to sweep, and then said to myself, out loud, with genuine excitement, "Oo, I get to use my new attachment!"

The child inside me died that day.

Posted by: DeadBessie at June 11, 2009 2:21 PM

Oo, let's talk about dancing! Any chance Pajiba might start covering "So You Think You Can Dance", so we can discuss the performances with glee every week? Did you see Brandon do that split-leg thing in the very beginning? I actually yelled "SHIT!" out loud, it was so unbelievable. How was that physically possible?

Any ideas on what's turned Mia into a rip-roaring, Brandon-hating bitch this season? I hope he wins just to piss her off. And for the love of God, Shankman, I want to like you, but your constant self-promotion for your shitty movies no one will see is annoying as hell.

His swing dance with...Calico, I believe?...at the auditions was sweet though. Props to that girl for having a great attitude; she looks like she'd be awesome to hang out with.

Posted by: DeadBessie at June 11, 2009 2:30 PM

This is why I fucking hate Spiders: Oh sure, people say they're just misunderstood little guys that eat bugs, but no. They build fucking tunnels so that they can jab poison fangs into you and suck out your insides. Well fuck you spiders, I think you're all dicks.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at June 11, 2009 2:31 PM

I'm tackling each link up there one comment at a time.

A Whedon-less Buffy is not Buffy. It's Biffy, or Baffy, or Beefy, Meaty Slayer of the Vam-PYRES, a cheap knockoff at best. I don't care who they cast or what happens with it; it's not Whedon's vision of Buffy, and it has nothing to do with the series I loved. So...whatever.

Posted by: DeadBessie at June 11, 2009 2:38 PM

I see not one thing wrong with what Heather Graham is wearing.

That being said:
(everyone together now) I'll be in my bunk

Posted by: adam at June 11, 2009 2:38 PM

I knew I was an adult the day "Little Elvis" grew sideburns.

Posted by: Spender at June 11, 2009 2:41 PM

Yay! I will never be a grown up as I will never worry about never getting a boner! Neverland..Here I come!

Posted by: wsapnin at June 11, 2009 2:45 PM

Could Phoebe Cates be any more amazingly gorgeous? I think not. And like adam, I'll be in my bunk.

Posted by: Dave at June 11, 2009 2:45 PM

Damn. Because of Dustin I was too busy watching "Wipe-Out" last night to remember SYTYCD. For two hours. I laughed so very, very hard. What is WRONG with me?

Posted by: figgy at June 11, 2009 2:48 PM

I didn't get to watch SYTYCD, I was in my summer class that is killing me. It's all DVDR'd, though, so tomorrow after work it's a 3-hour marathon (I have class tonight too. Dammit.)

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 11, 2009 3:00 PM

Let's see... a girl with a self-admitted giant ass who can laugh at silly programs.

That's two pluses in my book.

Posted by: Rykker at June 11, 2009 3:02 PM

I don't know how much more of Mary's screaming I can take, but her Botox comment was pretty funny.

Posted by: Cindy at June 11, 2009 3:03 PM

Mmmmm. Phoebe Cates.

They couldn't remake that scene now, the bikini would be too small and the girl no where near a "girl next door." She just had it. What about the q'tip thing though? I didn't remember that. Who gets a q-tip anyway when they get water in their ear? Don't most people just turn their head to the side and beat the other ear with their hand? Always worked for me.

The Megan Fox as Buffy thing gave me a laugh too considering how many people on here seem to loathe the poor girl. Now while I can't see her as Buffy, I would love to see her as the chick that gets raped in the woods, by the woods, in the Evil Dead remake, that would be fanfuckingtastic.

Ohhh yeah and that Cymothoa Exigua that replaces its hosts tongue...what the fuck...

Oo, let's talk about dancing! Any chance Pajiba might start covering "So You Think You Can Dance", so we can discuss the performances with glee every week?

I really, really, hope that is sarcasm.

Now in my own self glee, how about "Legend of the Seeker," does anyone watch that? I was a huge fan of "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys" and "Xena" and its by the same people in the same place with the hot as hell Bridget Regan...mmmmm....Bridget Regan in a red bikini getting out of a pool...mmmmm

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 11, 2009 3:10 PM

When your rack looks as good as Heather Graham's still does (compare it to Britney Spears' boobs, for example), I say, let your nip flag fly.

Posted by: Slash at June 11, 2009 3:19 PM

....then said to myself, out loud, with genuine excitement, "Oo, I get to use my new attachment!"

In a departure from my usual line of commenting, I'm not going to slather your comment in innuendo DeadBessie. I can relate to your story as I got so bloody excited when I bought a new vacuum that I went straight home to use it. Hey, fuck off, it was a Dyson and I'm pretty sure they can fly as well as clean.

However I still refuse to, as my wife calls it, "grow the fuck up".

Posted by: admin at June 11, 2009 3:28 PM

Whoa. I hadn't actually looked at the Heather Graham pic, assuming it was the same one I saw on Go Fug Yourself this morning, but there were no nips there.

Damn. My special valley just got a little humid.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 11, 2009 3:52 PM

Alright, I am officially taking Australia off my list of places I want to go. . . freaking monster spders for fucks sake!!!

Posted by: Alli at June 11, 2009 4:12 PM

Was that a penguin on the wall mural behind Dixie Carter? I was too weirded out to look at her face, so my mind went to a happier place.

Posted by: mamasez at June 11, 2009 4:24 PM

Damn admin, you can afford a Dyson? You lucky prick.

I was reading that Holy Taco link, and I just had to click on their link with the amazing ass, and now I feel like I know what Heaven looks like.

Keyra Augustina's ass is one of the most perfect asses I have ever seen.

Posted by: Snath at June 11, 2009 4:25 PM

AA friend of mine is a fabulous chef currently working in a nice little upstate NY cafe. Occasionally celebs pop in on their way to or from the city. Not only did she get to yell at Will Arnett for asking for tomatoes and grapes on his sandwich, she just recently served Monica Lewinsky.

They had a lengthy discussion on mayonnaise. That's not a joke. That's just what really happened.

Posted by: Brian at June 11, 2009 4:27 PM

Don't worry Snath I think you can program it to go to other peoples houses to clean too. Maybe it will babysit.

Also, you are correct. That badonkadonk is the answer to all of the worlds problems. It is the utopia of ass.

Posted by: admin at June 11, 2009 4:56 PM

"I got so bloody excited when I bought a new vacuum that I went straight home to use it."

Jesus, you are a fucking loser.



...um... can I borrow it?

Posted by: TK at June 11, 2009 5:12 PM

Also, you are correct. That badonkadonk is the answer to all of the worlds problems. It is the utopia of ass.

But it can also be used for evil. Due to inaccurate translations, few people realize that it wasn't Helen of Troy's face that launched a thousand ships.

Posted by: branded at June 11, 2009 5:14 PM

Fuck, TK, is it bust admin's balls day today? Of course you can borrow it. Just return it un-fouled OK?

Posted by: admin at June 11, 2009 6:25 PM

Don't ask me to make promises I can't keep, Admin.

Posted by: TK at June 11, 2009 6:40 PM

Phoebe Cates, Heather Graham, THAT AZZZ....

I forgot what I was going to say, really. It was something...aw forget it.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 11, 2009 7:12 PM

Unless Bret Michaels is having tantric sex, he's not going to go into diabetic ketoacidosis and then insulin shock while he's "pleasuring" a woman. Not to mention his blood sugar levels would have to be way above 200 mg/dL...try 300mg/DL. What a dumbshit. That statement doesn't make him look desriable. It makes him sound like a braindead assclown.

Posted by: stardust savant at June 11, 2009 7:15 PM

Also, those hands in the picture at the top of 7 Signs You're An Adult look like they're reaching for me every time I take my eyes off of the them. Creepy.

Posted by: stardust savant at June 11, 2009 7:23 PM

I get the feeling Dixie Carter's husband is/was(?) a very happy man.

Posted by: greer at June 11, 2009 7:42 PM

Aaaaaand Bret Michaels has killed the word "pleasure" for me. I'll never hear it again without picturing him all up in some dirty chick's business. *retches*

Yes, Pajiba should cover SYTYCD! And beckylooo, I am so jealous. 'Pono is thisclose to being my fave this year, and we're barely a week in.

Posted by: Melissa at June 11, 2009 8:01 PM

Dixie Carter sounds like Carol Channing.

Posted by: adam at June 11, 2009 9:39 PM

I agree, adam. And a touch of Ethel Merman.

Posted by: superEdna at June 11, 2009 11:36 PM

Ahhhh, big deal. You've seen one ass, you've seen 'em HOLY FUCKING ASS!

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 12, 2009 12:55 AM

No, DeistBrawler, that was not sarcasm. "So You Think You Can Dance" kicks ass, features people with amazing skills, is tons of fun, and I look forward to it every week. My suggestion was based on the fact that when SYTYCD was reviewed once on this site, many other Pajibans professed to loving the show as well.

Yes, admin, I was a tad worried about my vacuum cleaner attachment being taken the wrong way, given that I am a long time reader of this site and am aware of the amazing number of pervs here, but I thought I'd take the risk. Damn, I'd love a Dyson. And that's how you also know you're an adult--you somehow amass a few hundred bucks, and blow it on a friggin' vacuum cleaner.

Don't ever buy a Kirby, folks. Their salespeople are thugs and will NOT leave your home until you threaten to call the police. Plus you need a goddamn engineering degree to use a Kirby vacuum.

Posted by: DeadBessie at June 12, 2009 7:37 AM

Dirt Devil here.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 12, 2009 10:17 AM

... and Mrs. ,.

ba-DING!

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 12, 2009 10:18 AM

Only thing that ever bugged me about the Phoebe Cates scene (and she's gorgeous!) was she dives in the water, comes out, and then wants to go get a cotton swab for her ear to get the water out. You just got in the damn pool! Of course there's water in your ear!

Posted by: scorzi at June 12, 2009 11:10 AM