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Where Unholy Rumors Go To Mate

By Agent Bedhead | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (45)

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Today, we’re discussing the unholy mating of two types of recurring rumors: (1) A reboot of the Tomb Raider franchise; (2) The alleged frenzy of casting directors to put Kim Kardashian in movie roles. Because appearing in a sex tape and possessing critical mass really puts one on the map. (Showbiz Spy)

Who wants to bone a billionaire? Gerard Butler does. Thankfully, this is not the title of one of his upcoming movies. (Celebitchy)

Is Christopher Nolan’s Inception the future victim of too much hype and unfair expectations? The answer depends on whether anyone has figured out what this damn movie is actually about. (Rope of Silicon)

Before The A-Team hits theaters this Friday, be sure and check out The Lowercase a-Team. Yes, there will be midgets. (Screen Junkies)

In San Francisco, a man has created 3D topographical maps to demonstrate rates of various crimes. Of particular note is “Prostitution Mountain.” (Gizmodo)

Katy Perry is disgusted by the “blasphemy” of Lady Gaga’s new video. I guess this means that dropping the Christian music career and pretending to be a lesbian to sell records is somehow okay. (Pop on the Pop)

The upcoming Karate Kid remake has inspired an Anti-Remake Protest in Texas. Hey, can we get an Anti-3D Protest while the picket line is still hot? (Cinematical)

Christina Aguilera’s hot pants have caused some sort of controversy. Although I’m not sure how anyone notices anything but the war paint. (Amy Grindhouse)

Charlie Sheen, highest paid television actor, has totally screwed CBS and Warner Bros with his supposed plea agreement negotiations. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

A random wave of internet undercurrents have joined forces to declare a new holiday called “Cheer Up Keanu Day.” Put it on your calendar and be excellent to each other. (Agent Bedhead)

Nothing is ever Lindsay Lohan’s fault. It’s the rest of the world that lies, steals, and sets her up to look like a terrible person. Including her SCRAM bracelet. (Yeeeah!)

Here’s a graciously-written review of the amazing and terrible acts from the Sasquatch Music Festival in Washington. (Audiosuede)

Tyler Perry — mogul, director, playwright, and racist — is a size queen… of real estate. (Real E-Stalker)

The following music video features Christina Hendricks as some sort of sexy android, if you’re into that sort of thing: (Daily Motion)

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at agentbedhead.com.









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Comments

some blank ()'s up there?

Posted by: Drake at June 9, 2010 1:24 PM

I couldn't even see Aguilera's pants over that microphone stand covered in vagainas.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at June 9, 2010 1:31 PM

Wow... I can't spell today. Am I drunk?

Posted by: Patty O'Green at June 9, 2010 1:41 PM

Katy Perry is disgusted by the “blasphemy” of Lady Gaga’s new video.

Bah, it's the tacky unoriginal song that's disgusting.

Posted by: Jay at June 9, 2010 1:41 PM

So has Katy Perry converted? Because the church she was raised in believes Catholicism is almost Satanic and the imagery in the GaGa video is explicitly Catholic. Put this one down to attention-seeking.

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 9, 2010 1:51 PM

...well, if there's a blase way of being disgusted, I guess.

Posted by: Jay at June 9, 2010 1:51 PM

I really, really, really hate Katy Perry.

Posted by: MM at June 9, 2010 1:52 PM

Kim Kardashian is a very attractive woman so long as she's not talking . . . or being sprayed with Ray J's urine. And while I have to give her credit for actually trying to learn how to act before taking movie roles (assuming the source in that terrible story can be trusted) the girl has all the charisma of a stockyard in August.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 9, 2010 1:59 PM

Observing Christina Hendricks' tits in zero gravity, all processes around them slow down causing emitted light to appear redder and dimmer, an effect known as gravitational bonershift.

Should anything cross the sweaterpuppy horizon, it becomes impossible for an object to move along any path than one that moves toward the center, the cleavagetational singularity.

Posted by: D-Day at June 9, 2010 2:03 PM

Only someone as brainless as a Kardashian would actually want to draw comparisons to Angelina Jolie. I will admit to actually enjoying the Tomb Raider films, but still.

I suppose none of it should come as a shock now that Megan Fox, useless in her own right, has been replaced by a Victoria's Secret model who can't even really claim to be an "actress".

Sigh. I weep for the future of womankind.

Posted by: Samantha at June 9, 2010 2:05 PM

Of course Tyler Perry is a racist Agent Bedhead, how else would you explain him becoming a mogul, a very successful director, and a real estate maven? Agent Bedhead I would have taken you more seriously if you had said he a was the twenty-first century version of Nino Brown a.k.a. CMB or Cash Money Brothers from “New Jack City.”

Posted by: Pookie at June 9, 2010 2:06 PM

I used to love Katy Perry, for prurient interests, of course. But then she got Branded. If you really hate her, avoid her Twitter at all costs. Ugh.

If they do another Tomb Raider movie, which the world needs like another season/mini-series of Heroes, I'd like to put forward Emily Blunt as the lead.

And, D-Day wins for best comment of ever of the day so far.

Posted by: RobP at June 9, 2010 2:08 PM

PaddyDog, that's what I was thinking. Since when does an Evangelical give a shit about defending what they consider blasphemy against Catholic imagery? It seems to make like it's more a statement of some religious people's views on sexuality, both hetero and homo, told through the view of the religion in which she was raised. Maybe the Pope would hate it....okay, the Pope probably does hate it, but I understand it.

In short, suck my ass Katy Perry.

Posted by: stardust at June 9, 2010 2:14 PM

If they do another Tomb Raider movie....
I'd like to put forward Emily Blunt as the lead.
Posted by: RobP at June 9, 2010 2:08 PM

What about Shia LeBoeuf?

Posted by: The Internet. at June 9, 2010 2:17 PM

"In short, suck my ass Katy Perry."

Posted by, stardust at June9, 2010 2:14 PM

Now that's a sex tape I'd pay to see.

Posted by: Pookie at June 9, 2010 2:19 PM

Of particular note is “Prostitution Mountain.”

Sweet, no need to put a lot of planning into the next vacation. Just pack the lederhosen and start practicing the yodeling.

Posted by: EricD at June 9, 2010 2:23 PM

I find myself offended by Lady Gaga's new video. Not because of my faith, but because I have taste. There is no narrative and not a single new idea in sight. The already repetitive song was expanded two minutes for the extra La Isla Bonita and Express Yourself references. She repeatedly wears rubber clothing in the video. The men dancing in the video are inconsistent in their choreography, with many going a bit limp-wristed on the military choreography while others can't femme it up enough for the high-heeled bed nonsense. It is an assault on all senses that can be assaulted by television.

Posted by: Robert at June 9, 2010 2:23 PM

I don't care one whit about the Inception hype. I am going to love the shit out of that movie!

Posted by: Cindy at June 9, 2010 2:27 PM

Inception = (Dreamscape x Nolan) - Snakeman

Posted by: laredo at June 9, 2010 2:29 PM

So we have a video of Christina Hendricks as a sex robot, and all anyone seems to care about is hating Katy Perry? It seems like a mix-up of priorities.

Still, does anyone else hear that "Alejandro" song and think it was "I Saw The Sign" from Ace of Base?

As far as The Karate Kid remake, my roommate put it best: if the Chinese haven't complained yet, then there is no real point.

he a was the twenty-first century version of Nino Brown a.k.a. CMB or Cash Money Brothers from “New Jack City.”

Hmmm....flamboyant and strangely charismatic crack dealer who uses and abuses people to put out his product, destroying the very people he professes to care about? Yeah I could see that. Wow, never thought there would be a day I would agree with you, but there you have it.

People gather around: Tyler Perry is not a racist. he is a cinematic crack dealer. And the main person proving that black people can't write, according to Larry Wilmore.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 9, 2010 2:34 PM

Exactly, no snakeman, so why should I give a shit?

Posted by: Jay at June 9, 2010 2:37 PM

Ha that's hella funny. I got robbed on Capp street by the smallest mexicans ive ever seen then two weeks later i got into a fight with two black kids that couldnt have been more than 15. I ended getting sliced with a box cutter and had to get stitches. I love the mission. Four Loco and me dont mix.

Posted by: Sad rockstar at June 9, 2010 2:41 PM

Still, does anyone else hear that "Alejandro" song and think it was "I Saw The Sign" from Ace of Base?

Actually, I hear "Fernando" by ABBA. (Which I think she actually namechecks in the song?) Plus, I'm old.

Posted by: MM at June 9, 2010 2:49 PM

think it was "I Saw The Sign"

I've seen it referred to as "Don't Turn Around", but they and "All That She Wants" are all the same song. Go ahead, start thinking of one, and it'll seque into another, and you'll have a perpetual motion medley in your head. It's really ghastly.

There's really nothing good this "Alejandro" experience can bring us. I knew it was trouble when I saw that American Idol footage.

Posted by: Jay at June 9, 2010 2:50 PM

Christina is trying way too hard to keep up with the Gaga antics. It's just like with J-Lo trying to be Beyonce--they think that all they need is flashy costumes and weird hair, and that that will make up for the absolute Blahness of their new albums that no one gives a shit about. There have to be other ways of reinventing yourself, but they're all just going the Gagayonceanna (throw some Rihanna in there) way, and they're failing most spectacularly.

So I've decided I still love Gaga and the video itself, but I hate the song. It's too repetitive and very Ace-of-Base (Jay is right for once!), and I do not want to have my brother's name stuck in my head all day. It's too weird.

Posted by: figgy at June 9, 2010 3:17 PM

Given that Aguilera used to wear ASSLESS CHAPS, I'm not all that concerned by her wearing hotpants over tights.

Especially since I regularly wear hotpants over tights and covet her red ones

Posted by: Nadine at June 9, 2010 3:18 PM

And Lindsey, for the love of everything holy, for the sanity of this entire planet:

FUCKING STAY HOME YOU DUMBASS TWAT.

Start knitting or whatever the fuck, but just STAY AT HOME.

Posted by: figgy at June 9, 2010 3:19 PM

I'd like to point out 2 things wrong with the Alejandro video that Katy Perry neglected to mention:

1.) Even though it's morally wrong to kill people based on their looks, anyone who looks like Jim Skafish deserves to die just so that my dreams can be safe again. And here she gives us an entire army of backup dancers/sex partners akin to the Skafish.

2.) The second name that appears after "GAGA" is "KLEIN." Now, after doing some research, I discovered that this name refers to (famous?) photographer Stephen Klein.

Whatever, I'm all about giving directors some credit (even if I have no idea who the fuck they are), but I have to say it was a bit of a let down.

The reason being that when the white, bold, caps-locked "KLEIN" appeared against the black background on my screen, I shrieked with joy, thinking "Damn it, AWMAHGAGA! You finally - finally - have exceeded all my expectations and made the penultimate video by putting fucking Chris Klein in your video, and thus marrying your unnecessary sexed-up flair with that godawful shitfest of an audition that made spit my morning Cheerios all over the monitor with laughter the other week!"

But no - instead we get the run-of-the-mill envelope-pushing complete with clothed sex moves and outlandish outfits. With Skafish clones. And I sat through all of it waiting for that fucker from American Pie to show up.

Dissappointment doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.

Posted by: shamong at June 9, 2010 3:21 PM

De-lurking for Vermillion. There's even an Ace of Base/Alejandro mash-up here: http://www.hardcandymusic.com/2010/06/lady-gaga-ace-of-base-alejandrodont-turn-around-mash-up.html

Posted by: studpup at June 9, 2010 3:35 PM

Of particular note is “Prostitution Mountain.”

Best single sentence ever? INDUBITABLY

Posted by: Caroline at June 9, 2010 3:42 PM

Vermillion do you think TP is a racist?

Posted by: Pookie at June 9, 2010 4:04 PM

Why must we inject race into anything? Can't we just call Tyler Perry a shameless hustler who panders to the lowest common denominator and leave it at that?

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 9, 2010 4:17 PM

Because Agent Bedhead and not "we," injected race into her critique of Tyler Perry's real estate adventures. And I'm still trying to figure out her reason for calling the guy a racist.

Posted by: Pookie at June 9, 2010 4:26 PM

I can't believe I missed seeing Neko Case with the New Pornographers.

Sigh. As much as I love the perks of small town livin', missing out on great bands is killing me softly.

On a brighter note, I just finishing listening to the Broken Bells video (I've been wanting to check them out for ages) and I'm digging their sound. So "Yay" for today!

Posted by: kootenay girl at June 9, 2010 4:27 PM

Vermillion do you think TP is a racist?

Well, not as much a racist as a cinematic crack dealer...that is why I said I agreed with you, silly!

Posted by: Vermillion at June 9, 2010 4:35 PM

Why did we bother posting a picture of Aguilera wearing booty shorts when she's WEARING FUCKING LEGGINGS UNDERNEATH. ZOMG THAT'S LIKE (insert aged male has-been) WEARING HIS BOXERS ON THE OUTSIDE.

There is nothing scandalous about that outfit. You can't wear "sexy" (I gagged a bit) shit on the outside without showing, y'know skin.

Yeah, I remember when she wore assless chaps and people made a giant f'ing deal. But, lest we all forget the 90's (early aughts, whatever) she was wearing a bikini underneath.

Woopadeefuckingdo get naked or stay at home with your husband as he slowly morphs into the Bratwurst from Milwaukee Brewers home games.

Posted by: D-Day at June 9, 2010 4:35 PM

Ok I agree. I like the way you say silly, very sexy.

Posted by: Pookie at June 9, 2010 4:42 PM

Posted by: studpup at June 9, 2010 3:35 PM

Well thank you. And congrats on stepping into the lion's den.

Now I hate you forever and ever for that link. So there is that.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 9, 2010 5:15 PM

Yeah, that's the thing, I'd let it go if the song was, you know, catchy, which should always get due credit, but it just sucks.

Posted by: Jay at June 9, 2010 5:31 PM

What's so racist of Tyler Perry? I mean, isn't it a prerequisite that every African American comedian dress up like a fat, elderly woman who sassy talks at some point in their career?

Posted by: Case at June 9, 2010 6:22 PM

Fuck Gaga and Katy Perry, Broken Bells are clearly the winners in today's Pajiba Love. Well, besides the people who had tickets to Sasquatch. Seriously, in addition to the folks in that post, Public Enemy and My Morning Jacket were there. FUCK what a lineup.

Posted by: ChristianH at June 9, 2010 6:26 PM

Every time they cut back to Lady Gaga's face in this video I expected to see somebody else. Madonna? I dunno. Just somebody other than Lady-Gaga-human-female-equivalent-to-a-silverfish. I actually admire LG a lot in terms of her marketing machine, but damn she's physically a limp stalk of celery.

Also: I was promised a gay orgy. This video did not deliver. If you're going to do a gay orgy, do it right. Blaspheming against the Catholics? Eh, they're used to it. But if you're going to go the gay orgy route, I'd better at least see some guy-on-guy tongue. /FAIL.

Also, also: that's one fucking ugly haircut those boys are rocking.

Posted by: malechai at June 9, 2010 8:14 PM

She looks very much like Gwen Stefani at one point.

Posted by: figgy at June 9, 2010 10:56 PM

Observing Christina Hendricks' tits in zero gravity, all processes around them slow down causing emitted light to appear redder and dimmer, an effect known as gravitational bonershift.

Should anything cross the sweaterpuppy horizon, it becomes impossible for an object to move along any path than one that moves toward the center, the cleavagetational singularity.

D-Day, I think you're on to something. This should be a college course (for credit, of course). I'm in!

Posted by: Uriah Creep at June 10, 2010 5:45 AM

Daniel Simpson-Day
Faber 2013
Dr. of Hendricksian Tittyological Astro-Physics

Posted by: D-Day at June 10, 2010 11:29 AM