Paris Hilton is back with a brand new gaggle of gutter skanks in her never-ending pursuit of best friend foreverdom. (Four Four)
Holy crap, “Californication” and “Dawson’s Creek” show runner Tom Kapinos just threw the whole “Dawson’s” cast under a bus. Suck it, Holmes! (Webster’s)
Well the first Bruno lawsuit is coming out, because of fucking course it is. This time Sacha Baron only put an old lady in a wheelchair. Nice. (Celebitchy)
Christina Ricci and her enormous, Jolly Green Giant of a fiancee have sadly called it quits. (Yeeeah!)
More “Dexter” casting news! They’ve hired Courtney Ford to play a hot chick reporter character for next season. She’s got to be better than effing Lila, anyway. (Bloody Disgusting)
Really, A&E? You’re going to cancel the TV show of a guy with cancer? No, go ahead. Just run more shows of people addicted to huffing computer keyboard duster. It’s cool. (Seriously? OMG!)
If this photo of Tracy Morgan dressed up like a cell phone riding a bike being chased by a pit bull is any indication, his new Kevin Smith movie A Couple of Dicks is going to be A-mazing. (Screen Junkies)
Here’s an interview with Gael García Bernal. Mmm … Gael García Bernal. (A.V. Club)
Remember back when Will Ferrell was still like really funny all the time? Here’s his 25 best characters. Love the Dodge Stratus dad. (IGN)
Here’s a review of The Master author Colm Tóibín’s new novel Brooklyn. (Second Pass)
I got really excited when I saw that Jell-O was teaming with Cold Stone Creamery for a new Jell-O Pudding Ice Cream, but it has nothing to do with pudding pops. It’s just pudding in the ice cream. Hmph. (Impulsive Buy)
Here’s five reasons why survival-horror video games aren’t always horrifying. I don’t know, if there’s zombies involved I usually think it’s pretty scary. (Notes On Bar Napkins)
I posted this on Webster’s yesterday but I had to repost here because it is my new favorite thing ever. I kind of love a Jonas for once:
Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.
Wouldn't any normal-sized American man look like the Colossus of Rhodes next to Ricci? She's like three apples high. Heaven knows she's more adorable than a unicorn carrying a basketful of rainbows, but she is absolutely elfin.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 4, 2009 1:17 PM
I only watched that Jonas video because of figgy's comments, and it was worth it. The Mr. and I look forward to the day we have to break it to our girls that their favorite heart throb is totally gay. Good stuff!
Posted by: katy at June 4, 2009 1:18 PM
You promised you would never mention Shmaris Shmilton ever again!!
YOU PROMISED, GODDAMNIT!
I go away for a few days, and this place goes to shit, I tell you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to being delirious from the jetlag and Xanax.
Looking at that dude it seems that Ricci's vagina is capable of withstanding impressive amounts of pounding.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 4, 2009 1:29 PM
Is there really that much of a market for herpes among twenty-something women?
Posted by: David at June 4, 2009 1:37 PM
I got really excited when I saw that Jell-O was teaming with Cold Stone Creamery for a new Jell-O Pudding Ice Cream, but it has nothing to do with pudding pops. It’s just pudding in the ice cream. Hmph.
...and that's bad because......
OMG, that Jonas is the gayest gay that ever gayed. (Sorry, Jeremy!) Adorable!
Wow. As the pudding ice cream gets warm, it doesn't melt, it just turns into regular pudding. That is profoundly disturbing. It's a dessert topping! It's a floor polish! I'm freaking old.
Remember back when Will Ferrell was still like really funny all the time?
No, no I don't remember a time like that at all.
Because it never happened.
Posted by: Drake at June 4, 2009 1:50 PM
So Will Ferrell's not funny anymore? Are you sure it's not that he's in a lot of shitty movies? I thought he was funny on Conan and Tuesday night's episode of Man vs. Wild.
Posted by: henchman for hire at June 4, 2009 1:53 PM
Maybe it's the return of EE but you guys are cracking me up in this thread. "Three Apples High" got a giggle but Lauren, that was magnificent. Uproarous, obnoxious laughter.
And as a man who learned the Single Ladies dance for Greek Week, I have to say he's an amateur. Weak.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 4, 2009 2:05 PM
I'm afraid we'll need to see video proof of that, Rhyme, dear. Otherwise your claims are completely empty.
Also, I didn't say Will Ferrell wasn't funny anymore, I just said remember when he used to be funny all the time. Because he's not funny all the time anymore. He's funny some of the times, like when he goes on Bear Grylls, but most of the times he's in teh suck family comedies. And that is my clarification.
Is that some sort of dig at Beyonce for being a ...curvier woman?
If so...I still hate the Jonai
Posted by: Nadine at June 4, 2009 2:42 PM
Wow Stace!!
I come back after a 3 week work absence, I find to my dismay that Eloquent Eloquence has been revived (no offense Figgy, I love you, but EE just drives the attention seekers to post drivel in the hope they stand out), and am about to exit gracefully when I see a link to Colm Toibin's work. You are the absolute best ever.
Posted by: PaddyDog at June 4, 2009 2:44 PM
Makes you realize how God-Awful Beyonce's choreography is when you aren't being distracted by her ass.
Posted by: ShannonAnn at June 4, 2009 2:47 PM
I'm now picturing their foreplay as the opening level of God of War II.
Snath, you're my favorite person until further notice. Congrats.
Posted by: twig at June 4, 2009 2:50 PM
Poor pit bulls. They just can't catch a break.
Jon Stewart would not approve.
Posted by: Kate at June 4, 2009 2:56 PM
My friend was sitting directly across from James Van Der Beek at a bar in LA the other night and guess what he was talking about...yeah, DAWSONS FUCKING CREEK, 10 years later. So sad and hilarious at the same time.
Posted by: letsspoon at June 4, 2009 2:57 PM
The Will Ferrell list was nostalgic. I still love the guy.
I'm with Jeremy Feist about that pudding-filled ice cream. It just sounds insanely gross. Kind of like a ketchup-filled donut. They're both delicious on their own, but a flavor holocaust when put together.
Posted by: Kballs at June 4, 2009 3:04 PM
Wouldn't any normal-sized American man look like the Colossus of Rhodes next to Ricci?
And I've just gotta give you a golf clap, Tracer, for pulling out one of the seven ancient wonders. Respeck.
Melissa you ought to know that such a video will never see the light of day. Such a thing was only seen by select sororities and was part of a long standing tradition of song and dance. If it pops up on Facebook, people will burn.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 4, 2009 4:14 PM
I love survival horror games, but I've only managed to beat one in my life (Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem). That's because as soon as the first scary undead whatever shows up on the screen, I turn into Mantan Moreland, beat feet to the console, and pull the plug out. Then I run till I can't run no more and the evil zombies can't get me. Which, of course, leads me to my room covered in the horror posters, lined with the overflowing shelves of horror books, and most likely showcasing some piece of horror related art I was working on.
The thing I don't get is, why is that boy wearing heels? I mean really..it's not like his motorskills were that awesome to begin with. I'm glad the Jonas craze hasn't reached Holland yet..or perhaps I'm just blissfully unaware of it.
Posted by: Mona at June 4, 2009 5:04 PM
Am I the only one who thinks Tom Kapinos is being kind of a douche. Whether it's true or not (which it probably is), calling out past coworkers for being asshole 6 or 7 years later is kind of classless. How many people are surprised they were difficult to work with? No one. But to out of the blue just say, "I had this really horrible job and the people I worked with were assholes"...makes you look like the prick who can't get over it.
Posted by: Austin asking for trouble at June 4, 2009 5:12 PM
Then I run till I can't run no more and the evil zombies can't get me.
I read this as "can't get with me" and got a horrible mental image.
Zombies! The only thing worse than them chomping on your femur is when they hump your leg.
Posted by: Lauren at June 4, 2009 5:57 PM
That video kind of made me want to take his virginity. Yes, I'm going to hell.
Posted by: MissNev at June 4, 2009 6:35 PM
"Here’s five reasons why survival-horror video games aren’t always horrifying. I don’t know, if there’s zombies involved I usually think it’s pretty scary. (Notes On Bar Napkins)"
And that my friends is the reason why Pajiba still refuses to review video games. They still can't immerse you or are as savvy as film. Let's face it, were it not for the interactive bit, video games would be boring because the plots are so thin and there's not that much to most of them.
The ice-cream pudding sounds amazing. I want one down.
Never let it be said that I watched a jonas video. I didn't click on that thing and I'm proud of it.
Posted by: barf at June 4, 2009 6:46 PM
I was a Cold Stone employee for 2 years. They had some of the grossest ice cream while I was there that the pudding thing does not phase me at all.
Wasabi
Black Licorice
comparatively, jello chunks just sounds normal.
Posted by: Kate at June 4, 2009 7:32 PM
I'm going to pretend that Tracy Morgan is not starring in a Kevin Smith movie dressed as a cell phone. No, I'm choosing to believe that it's Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan who has a dream sequence (off his meds), in which we find him dressed as a cell phone, running away from Jack Donaghy in a police officer's uniform and a dog with the head of Kenneth.
I miss 30 Rock.
Posted by: bonnie at June 4, 2009 10:01 PM
haha he reminds me of Chris Kattan's Mango Character from SNL
Posted by: Mr. Patches at June 4, 2009 10:51 PM
referring to the lil dude in the video that is
Posted by: Mr. Patches at June 4, 2009 10:51 PM
EE just drives the attention seekers to post drivel in the hope they stand out)
---
Hey! That was uncalled-for!
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 5, 2009 12:49 AM
Whenever I see a man in a leotard, all I can focus on is wondering how he gets his wangus to stay tucked. So thanks, Stacey, now I have Jonas Junk on my brain. I'm going to have to go dig it out with a wire hanger.
The thought from my brain that is... not his pristine virgin penis from between his legs.
Posted by: superEdna at June 5, 2009 12:57 AM
What makes you think he has a penis?
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 5, 2009 1:18 AM
The Cricci hasn't been adorable since she got so skinny. Now, she could kill someone with her chin.
Posted by: FabMax at June 5, 2009 6:12 AM
And a big shoutout to former buckdaddy for giving me something else to ponder about Jonas netherregions (or the lack thereof). You people kill me. No, really, I wish you'd kill me.
Posted by: superEdna at June 5, 2009 10:02 AM
Reads "The Cricci" Busts a gut laughing. I love her but that is an awesome nickname.
Posted by: villain's minion at June 5, 2009 8:01 PM
Actually, Tracy Morgan is riding a tricycle, not a bicycle. It's the tricycle, with its connotations of childhood and innocence, that allows the photo to surpass "funny" and proceed directly to HIGH-larious.
Renny Harlin would have used a bicycle. Kevin Smith, on the other hand, is a genius.
Posted by: Moog at June 7, 2009 2:43 AM
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That kid is so delightfully gay. And he's cute. His brothers look like hush puppies, but he's definitely got the eyebrows I like.