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Do Shut Up, Already

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | June 2, 2009 | Comments (32)

A talking animal movie can go either way. It can be good, or it can be oh my God this is so fucking terrible I want to kill myself. Here’s a list of the best and worst. (Screen Junkies)

Turns out the whole Eminem-Sacha Baron Cohen ass-plant stunt was predictably staged. But hey, at least we now know Eminem has found his sense of humor and he didn’t even have to visit the Wizard of Oz for it. (Webster’s)

Christian Bale really wants you to know that he hates having his picture taken and will never be a model. What a shame, he’s so pretty. (Agent Bedhead)

The USA Network is upping their game with the new series “Royal Pains,” which is basically like “‘Entourage’ on crack.” (Hollywood Reporter)

New ice pops finally give us the chance to lick Daniel Craig abs. Well, if you live in England, anyway, because apparently we’re too much of prudes to have sexy ice pops over here in the states. (Serious Eats)

Reason #32894 why Bill Murray is more awesome than most people? He once headbutted McG right in the face. (Film Drunk)

Mariah Carey says it isn’t Glitter’s fault that Glitter sucked, it was 9/11’s fault. Hmm … What do you guys think? Maybe I should do a real-time-review to test this theory? (Celebitchy)

This one is especially for Dustin: Ryan Reynolds shows us his “awwwdorable” faces at the premiere of The Proposal. Ha ha ha! (Seriously? OMG!)

Reminder! The eagerly anticipated “Man vs. Wild” guest starring Will Ferrell is on tonight. I hope Bear cuts him open and crawls inside his belly for protection from the elements. Anyway, here’s a totally unrelated quiz to see how well you know Will Ferrell. (Rope of Silicon)

Beth Ditto says that Katy Perry is offensive to gay culture. Well of course she is. She’s also offensive to pop culture, the ears, the eyes, and music in general. (Starpulse)

Here’s a bunch of overpriced crap Urban Outfitters want you to wear this summer. By the way, I really fucking hate stupid Urban Outfitters. (Jezebel)

Here’s a literal translation of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” I never realized, on top of being the most annoying karaoke song ever, it’s also the most pointless video ever:

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

Mariah Carey says it isn’t Glitter’s fault that Glitter sucked, it was 9/11’s fault. Hmm … What do you guys think? Maybe I should do a real-time-review to test this theory?

YES OH MY GOD YES. Yes you really should. Also, I have that movie on DVD... it's totally not 9/11's fault (which... what?!), it's totally MARIAH CAREY'S fault! Or whoever told her she could act.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 2, 2009 1:10 PM

Do not - I repeat, DO NOT - do a real time review of Glitter. Becuase you know what? It won't be funny, or entertaining.

It's hard to explain how a movie can suck so bad you can't even make fun of it for sucking, but that's what Mariah Carey has acheived. I don't know if it's the lack of a plot, the horrible acting, the terrible writing, or the pacing of the movie, but it will literally destroy your soul. And I like you Stacey, I really do; so please, don't watch Glitter.

Posted by: Marra at June 2, 2009 1:12 PM

Loved the Eclipse vid. 3:01 - total spit take.

Posted by: Odnon at June 2, 2009 1:20 PM

Total Eclipse of the Heart was my junior prom theme. Honestly.

Posted by: Kolby at June 2, 2009 1:23 PM

Have always, ALWAYS, hated 'Total Eclips of the Heart' and her raspyass singing.

But I have always, ALWAYS, loved Will Farrell and scored a 7/10 much to my disappointment. Sorry kids, he makes me laugh.

Posted by: wsapnin at June 2, 2009 1:28 PM

Did you read the katy perry link? It's less about calling out Katy Perry and more about bashing the woman (who is gay and a musician) for daring to speak when she doesn't look like toothpick. Pretty offensive and I'm sort of sad there was a link to it from pajiba...

Posted by: susiemoss at June 2, 2009 1:33 PM

God, if you're going to mock Bonnie Tyler, at least have he good graces to find someone that can carry a tune. My ears are burning.

Posted by: meh at June 2, 2009 1:36 PM

Beth Ditto is awesome! I just recently discovered The Gossip (by listening to the best radio station on the planet, The Current) and I lurves them.

Posted by: Snath at June 2, 2009 1:41 PM

Pretty offensive and I'm sort of sad there was a link to it from pajiba...

Sorry about that. I actually agree. I had read the story somewhere else on another site and unfortunately skipped the context on this particular story. I like Beth Ditto, personally.

Posted by: Stacey at June 2, 2009 1:42 PM

Okay so my link to The Current is apparently broken, somehow.

Let's try it again!

Posted by: Snath at June 2, 2009 1:47 PM

susiemoss, quite right. That so-called snarky post on Yeeeah! turns out to be quite a juvenile lowball to Ditto. Turned me off and I don't even like The Gossip.

Posted by: Ader at June 2, 2009 1:54 PM

Um, Milo and FUCKING Otis!

Posted by: perfectjargon at June 2, 2009 2:07 PM

I'm going on the record and waiting for the backlash, I loved Joe's Apartment. If a movie can manage to imbue creepy crawly vermin with personality and a liberal dose of spirit fingers, it's got my wholehearted support. That is hangover theater at its most shitacular.

Also, watched that Total Eclipse song at least three times in the past week. Gets better with every viewing. AH, zombie choir boy!

Posted by: Leigh at June 2, 2009 2:09 PM

YES, perfectjargon, Milo and Otis was my favourite movie. GOD.

Posted by: Marcela at June 2, 2009 2:12 PM

I know I'm old when I'm upset that Francis the Talking Mule didn't make both lists.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 2, 2009 2:15 PM

Milo and Otis was a childhood staple in my family. Good call, perfectjargon.

Posted by: Leigh at June 2, 2009 2:20 PM

susiemoss - that's what I was going to say. Jesus Christ, could Yeeah! have trafficked any more in ridiculous, hateful stereotypes?

Posted by: tamatha at June 2, 2009 2:40 PM

Stacey - thanks for changing the link!

Posted by: tamatha at June 2, 2009 2:41 PM

RE: Daniel Craig Popsicle

1. What flavor is it? Cause it looks brown.

2. What are his hands doing? They look like they disappear inside his whatever it is he's wearing over his nether regions.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 2, 2009 3:09 PM

Maybe I should do a real-time-review to test this theory?

YES, please, Stacey!

Posted by: Melissa at June 2, 2009 3:41 PM

Beth Ditto, THANK. YOU. You must be the voice of reason or something. And that video was so incredible. Ah the 80's cheese, may it never end!

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at June 2, 2009 4:00 PM

not 'talking-out-loud' per-se, more telepathic: i liked th cat in the movie 'go' that was communicating with the drugged-out guy who was sweaty, but (i remember) sort of cute.


that cat had like 2 lines, and made the movie.

Posted by: gp at June 2, 2009 4:19 PM

Total Eclipse of the Heart is an awesome song which everyone should belt out at the top of their voice. You could do that video thing with 85% of music videos? How many of them actually make any kind of sense? Very few.

Posted by: barf at June 2, 2009 4:54 PM

Leigh, I'm totally with you in your Joe's Apartment love.

Posted by: jiggity at June 2, 2009 5:12 PM

Christian Bale really wants you to know that he hates having his picture taken and will never be a model. What a shame, he’s so pretty.

Well then it's a good thing I have about 5GB's worth of photos of Bale in various stages of undress that I may or may not have gotten from whenever he was in the shower sleeping or in his pool was posing for photo shoots. Just in case he goes insane and decides to never pose again. Please Christian, don't do that to me. I have needs.

I'm just gonna go lick Daniel Craig's popsicle now.

BAM.

Posted by: figgy at June 2, 2009 5:13 PM

Total Eclipse of the Heart should only be sung by Kif Kroker.

That is it. No exceptions or arguments.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 2, 2009 7:31 PM

That total eclipse video nearly made me pee.

Posted by: villain's minion at June 2, 2009 11:20 PM

that total eclipse video IS my fave.

(ever)

Posted by: gp at June 2, 2009 11:36 PM

Barf, you didn't just graduate from college in the life sciences field, did you? Because I have the weird feeling I know you.

Posted by: NF at June 3, 2009 2:16 AM

NF, not as far as I know but who knows what has happened to my life in a parallel universe with a same me? I hope I'm more successful than I am over here... oh wait, what did you say? life science? Hmm well, I have graduated in a particular social science subject. Is that what you mean by life science? What state do you live in? Ok, I'm all confused now.

Posted by: barf at June 3, 2009 4:41 AM

I will agree that Katy Perry's music is horrendous, but she is not at all offensive to the eyes. She has one of the best, most natural looking bodies in entertainment. And that British accent.

Posted by: Kballs at June 3, 2009 8:41 AM

What exactly does "riding on the backs of our culture" mean, though (minds out of gutter, please)? Katy Perry is totally awful, agreed, but I mean...she made a dumb catchy pop song about something tons of college girls do. Doesn't it actually sort of imply that that's okay now? Isn't it kind of a triumph for gay culture that sexual exploration is okay and you can sell a billion records singing about it? I don't know, I guess as a straight person maybe I couldn't possibly understand? but it seems pretty counterproductive to basically make these absolute demands for sexuality.

I am genuinely curious, not trying to be controversial.

Posted by: HB at June 3, 2009 10:16 AM