Here is the anti-SATC Pajiba Love headline (because fuck this noise!): the Top Ten nicknames for male genitalia. I’m partial to “schlong,” myself. Mini-diversion in 3… 2… 1… (YBNBY)
So if you haven’t heard, Clay Aiken is having a baby. With a — wait for it — lesbian twice his age. So, so weird. I love it!! (WIMB)
And a question not totally unrelated to the first two links: should it be against the law to ogle man breasts? I love everything today. (QuizLaw)
Owning a genuine Cosby Sweater would be second only to a lifetime supply of Puddin’ Pops. (USA Today)
At the Boozehound’s insistence, who always makes me link interviews to people I’ve never heard of: “The Venture Bros” creator Jackson Publick. (A.V. Club)
NBC’s summer lineup is picking off IQ points like a CIA sniper. (Deus Ex Malcontent)
R. Kelly’s defense backfires when proven to be less airtight than the Titanic. And why is he dressed like Zorro again? (Yeeeah!)
Holy crap. This must be like what God’s tattoos are like. (CC Insider)
Bland, greasy, artery-clogging pizza turns 50 today. Happy birthday, shitty pizza! (Serious Eats) Also? Instructions on how to turn a watermelon into a giant distributor of booze is definitely an idea worthy of Pajibans. (Serious Eats)
Sarah McLachlan triumphantly emerges from obscurity to look awesome in a bikini. (Celebslam)
Here’s some notorious bloggers who have been fired from their day jobs for blogging. So stupid, why would anyone use their real name? In other words, my day is coming too, I’m sure. (mental floss)
Is it just me, or does Rachel Bilson always looks mega cute? And I never even watched the O.C. (Popoholic)
Late addition, as directed by Boo: It looks like Al Bundy and the rest of the NO MA’AM crew finally figured out how to use the internet. (NoMarriage) And don’t miss the FAQ. (NoMarriageFAQ)
After the jump: Oh, squeee!!! Which catty, oversexed caricature are you?
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 30, 2008 3:42 PM
I'm partial to "Fuck Stick," "Junk," and "Tube Steak." I never hear it called a Johnson anymore, but I once asked my father about that and he was furious; claiming that YM magazine was giving me dirty thoughts.
Posted by: Brie at May 30, 2008 3:48 PM
*sigh* Great, now I'm craving peckers and Pudding Pops.
Posted by: Kivrin at May 30, 2008 3:48 PM
prick, dong, shark, peen, piss sword, willy, mr. happy, mud-dobber, pork rod, bush snake, old man in a swim cap, panty pusher, moses...
Posted by: boo at May 30, 2008 3:52 PM
The Colonel. Boom stick. Junk because I laugh every time it's used, and peepers and peeps from Scrubs.
JD: "Mr. Peeps? Why are you British?"
JD's junk: "I'll explain later, just lose the extra bitches."
On a similar note, I would like to share my favorite euphemism for masturbation: flibhabbeling the winkerpoodle. I don't remember where I heard it or when, but I do know that it will be the name of my band.
Posted by: Julie at May 30, 2008 3:53 PM
"Fuck stick" is a nickname I use on a regular basis---but for an idiot, not genitalia. For some reason, "fuck stick" makes me giggle.
I guess I'm old school----i usually go for "dick" or "cock". Um, that sounded really bad but strangely accurrate....
Posted by: michelle at May 30, 2008 3:53 PM
I want to take Sarah McLachlan out to the bleachers after school and get her pregnant.
Posted by: Case at May 30, 2008 3:57 PM
I'm not completely crazy about the Oriental rug pattern of said bikini, but....yes. Yes yes yes. If that "Surfacing" short haircut was still around I'd probably be melting.
Jackson! Ventures! Wheeee!
Technically I have the authority to shout "Minions!" at work, but I don't know if they'd cotton to it that much.
(Stacey, you know they won't keep such a diversion "mini")
From experience, giving your fun stuff a human name (i.e. John, Peter, Charles Baudelaire) usually means that it is 5" or less, naming it after a piece of construction equipment (Rod, Pipe, Wrench) means it's 10" or more, giving it a food inspired nickname means it's between 8 and 10", and everything else is between 5 and 8", although there are exceptions to this rule.
Posted by: Jeremy at May 30, 2008 4:07 PM
My favorite quote from the FAQ: "almost all American women around me are either already mentally unstable, or they become mentally unstable after marriage." Oh really, doctor? Is that your medical opinion?
Why do I strongly believe that the dipshit trolls from the You Want Fries with That? thread are probably frequenting the NoMarriage.com site?
That said, don't go slandering Al Bundy.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 30, 2008 4:08 PM
giving it a food inspired nickname means it's between 8 and 10"
So that's why the Felta Poon Pie girls always called me "celery stick."
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 30, 2008 4:13 PM
Does anyone else have any friends who are weirdly, annoyingly old-fashioned and prudish about genitalia names? I have a friend who refers to her vagina as her "area" and actually uses the term "manhood". Like, in all seriousness, that's what she calls it. It's like talking to an Edwardian lady. She drives me bonkers. I'd hate to be a guy sleeping with her, because I cannot imagine she's the least bit fun in bed.
Hee hee...Sarina I can only imagine the dirty talk. "Oh your baby making manhood is so hard, please put it in my no no place!"
Does anyone else have any friends who are weirdly, annoyingly old-fashioned and prudish about genitalia names?
NO. We are all perverts.
Posted by: Julie at May 30, 2008 4:23 PM
I am a southern girl at heart, and so I tend to couch my references to male genitalia in rather coy terms. As in "your business" or "little [name here]" and perhaps once or twice "the equipment".
That's in "polite" conversation though. In personal situations other terms do make appearances but that's private.
Also, yay for the Jackson Publick interview! I've been following his blog, but that had information that wasn't posted there so woo! Sunday!
Harvey Korman dying should be #1 on this list. Unless, of course, someone is writing a separate post on the matter chronicling his greatness, in which case I will forgive.
Posted by: Three-nineteen at May 30, 2008 4:26 PM
yay for the Jackson Publick interview
And Venture Bros. came in the mail today! [/happy dance]
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 30, 2008 4:28 PM
I may have to check out this Venture Brothers...
Posted by: Julie at May 30, 2008 4:30 PM
Ooooh, that NoMarriage site calls for the Murdertank. In fact I think it calls for a new form of torture:
1. Insert author into a tank of toothless zombies for violent gumming
2. Push Author up against conjugal trailer with parents inside, ala "Arrested Development"
3. Implant brain chip that playes "Groove is in the Heart" on a loop for the rest of his life
4. Tie gonads to perpetual motion machine that sharply flicks genetalia with a popsicle stick 40 times per minute.
And to clarify, I'm male.
Posted by: meh at May 30, 2008 4:32 PM
OR....she's totally Tales Of Ribaldry.
I would be shocked to the core of my being if this were true. She gets all tense and horrified by even the mere discussion of anything other than tame, boring missionary sex. She uses the word "disgusting" a lot. She's not exactly frigid, she's just...well, really dull and kind of afraid of her own sexuality. It's sad.
Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry, but that NoMarriage dude is spot on. American Women that spend time with 34-year-old shut-ins seeking mail-order lovin' are prone to mental breakdown. Usually due to prolonged exposure to soiled Tazmanian Devil boxers, duct tape, and Dorito/Mountain Dew breath. It causes massive cases of the jibblies.
You womens, using the Interweb, having thoughts and feelings, you just don't respect men. You give funny names to the reciptical that give you purpose in life: to bring forth tiny armies of malnourished children while you are baking dinners and fetching our slippers. You should be ashamed!
And my penis is called "I'm Sorry. Really I Am." Seriously, it's so small, it's an innie. The only way I'm going to get my girlfriend pregnant is a well-timed handstand and lots of hope.
Oh my GOD, I went to the no marriage site...I can't help but laugh, this guy is such a douchebag.
"3 reasons to marry an American woman
-You actually believe BBW = big BEAUTIFUL wife.
-You believe nagging is essential for personal growth.
-You really look forward to the day your BBW wife divorces you and you gladly fork over 50% over your hard earned assets, plus child support and alimony (a lard ass bitch for sure is not going to have a good job). Then after that you have to figure out how to live on 20% of your income."
Lordy McChristersons.
Posted by: Julie at May 30, 2008 4:44 PM
She gets all tense and horrified by even the mere discussion of anything other than tame, boring missionary sex. She uses the word "disgusting" a lot. She's not exactly frigid, she's just...well, really dull and kind of afraid of her own sexuality
Even though I'm technically not at work today, it feels like I'm shelving the romance paperbacks anyway. Therefore, her Tale Of Ribaldry is waiting, nay, ACHING to happen. That's how those fucking plots all start! (the historical ones anyway). Also, your friend is probably not actually real. She fell into this dimension.
The contemporary ones are all knocked up/rented by the boss man (or the SWARRRRRTHY tycoon) (but will they truly fall in love?), or Agents of KAOS are after me (and sometimes my baby) and this smartass coldhearted agent/widower Montana sheriff is my only protection and we're on each other's nerves (but we both need a new family), OR my new beau is a spooky but actually harmless werewolf/vampire/Aquaman...but there's one bad apple out there hurting people....and he seems to be gunning for me and for some reason has a grudge against my nonhuman hunk!
They're read by the bushel. There's despair to be had, but mostly in not having a cut of that business.
And my penis is called "I'm Sorry. Really I Am." Seriously, it's so small, it's an innie. The only way I'm going to get my girlfriend pregnant is a well-timed handstand and lots of hope.
That needs to be stitched on a sampler.
I'm so unrefined. I just call it a dick or a penis. I do, however, refer to my cousin's vagina as The Wonder Cave. It's a long story; it came up during a conversation we were having about sex and her fiance and gynecology, and I blurted that out, and have mocked her with it since. My mother, who was sitting at the table, laughed so hard she nearly wet her pants. We are not shy in my family.
Sarina, I can't believe this particular friend even HAS sex. Does she cover all of the legs of her furniture as well?
Posted by: Nicole at May 30, 2008 4:53 PM
No, no, you call it "I like doing other stuff anyway".
Jay, that right there is precisely why I cannot fucking stand romance novels. It's simple math, really:
Stupid + Boring ≠ Fun.
Sarina, I can't believe this particular friend even HAS sex. Does she cover all of the legs of her furniture as well?
I don't think she covers furniture legs to hide their innate salaciousness, but she's one of those frilly lace and doilies and ruffles kind of people, so yes, a lot of her furniture is skirted or otherwise covered in frou-frou fabric. Her apartment looks like Laura Ashley threw up in it. We've been friends since childhood, so I love her even though she's a boring old lady trapped in the body of a 30-year-old.
I have to laugh at novels that describe sex acts in great detail, but refer to genitalia as "her sex" or "his sex." We called a penis a tallywhacker when I was a kid.
Posted by: rlr260 at May 30, 2008 5:08 PM
"Young Lady Chatterley II" (featuring Adam West)
Sounds delightful; do they superimpose "Wham!" or "Powie!" whenever someone achieves orgasm?
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 30, 2008 5:11 PM
Jay:"Young Lady Chatterley II" (featuring Adam West)
socalled:Sounds delightful; do they superimpose "Wham!" or "Powie!" whenever someone achieves orgasm?
To clarify, Jay, when I previously said "that right there" I was actually referencing your earlier, longer description. This particular scenario, involving the nerdiest of all the Batmen and a plethora of cartoony sexual emphasis seems rather like the pr0n version of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, and who wouldn't want to experience that? The surrealism would be quite a trip in and of itself.
I am sending a NoMarriage.com link to my engaged friend post haste. You know, just to warn him.
I did see myself in some of those descriptions of western women. I already knew I had a pre-occupation with fairness, but as I kept reading the site I felt my sense of superiority rearing its ugly head.
Posted by: Three-nineteen at May 30, 2008 5:24 PM
Am I the only one who has Monty Python's Penis Song stuck in their head now?
"Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick....."
*heeheeheeeheeee* That will be playing in my head over the SatC theme music tonight...Oh, my...
Posted by: MO at May 30, 2008 5:25 PM
Clay Aiken, gay, whoa. I didn't see that coming.
Posted by: Pookie at May 30, 2008 5:42 PM
Clay Aiken, gay, whoa. I didn't see that coming.
That's because he was fucking you from behind.
Posted by: hatemail at May 30, 2008 5:58 PM
He's having a baby with his lesbian manager via artificial insemination, and their age difference is even worth a mention? Really??
Posted by: Ann at May 30, 2008 7:04 PM
I think Clay Aiken IS a lesbian twice his age. But a lesbian who wants to screw men.
Posted by: Jen at May 30, 2008 7:16 PM
insertclevernamehere - I knew a guy in college who was not only small, but really quick, so he put beads in his so his girlfriend would have something to enjoy at least. He did it himself, in his dorm room. They forced me to look at the pictures. Yes, they took pictures, and I also seem to recall that during a pre-operation argument about how much it was likely to bleed his roommate nicked his with a knife to prove it wouldn't bleed so much. Brilliant. Penises are pretty much blood sponges with tubing. It bled everywhere. (Damnit, now I'm gonna think bloodsponge... that's a terrible nickname.)
Posted by: s. pisaster at May 30, 2008 7:27 PM
A few days ago I saw a stunningly gorgeous, dewy young asian woman grocery shopping with a balding, graying, overweight man with his arm possessively around her. I was too preocuppied with my race to the milk aisle to register it, until my foreign husband leaned over and whispered "mail-order bride".
I wanted to race back and say "I'm so sorry! Didn't they tell you that the men in our country are generally obsessed with asian women, especially ones as gorgeous as you? You could have held out for a younger, less used-up model."
I honestly think *both* genders in western society have jumped-up notions of their own self-worth.
Posted by: Cruithne at May 30, 2008 7:32 PM
3. Implant brain chip that playes "Groove is in the Heart" on a loop for the rest of his life.
Damn.
Posted by: jM at May 30, 2008 7:57 PM
And my penis is called "I'm Sorry. Really I Am." Seriously, it's so small, it's an innie. The only way I'm going to get my girlfriend pregnant is a well-timed handstand and lots of hope.
That needs to be stitched on a sampler.
Better yet - it should be stitched on a penis cozy. Keep your peep warm and lower your fuck-buddy's expectations all at the same time!
Posted by: Elfrieda at May 30, 2008 10:33 PM
"That needs to be stitched on a sampler" was supposed to be italicized, too . . . Bleh.
Posted by: Elfrieda at May 30, 2008 10:36 PM
VENTURE BROTHERS!!!!!!!!!! AH MY GOD! Sorry, just got really excited. I am seriously considering selling blood just so I can get cable during the five months or so new Venture Bros. episodes are on. This is by-freaking-far the best show on TV. I hate to say it, but even better than 30 Rock (which I was sadly disappointed with in regards to the season ending episodes).
Oh, and has anyone else been having really, really weird zombie dreams recently? I do believe the Zom-ocalypse is upon us.
Emily
Ps. I actually have friends who will stay virgins until they marry. Good for them (they don't call me a slut, so I wont call them names), but I couldn't-wouldn't do that.
Posted by: Emily at June 1, 2008 1:33 PM
i love this story, seems someone at Militarysoulmate.com has told me this, i can not believe this before i saw this news here!
Posted by: helod at June 1, 2008 1:59 PM
I'm so upset about Universal Studios. The backlot tour is my most favourite thing to do there. Got to go cry in my coco pops now.
Posted by: Loob at June 1, 2008 5:04 PM
Nicknames for penis? *deep breath*
Judgment Nose, Playful Bone, Leather Needle, Nail-less Finger, Mr. Knee Head, Vein Roll, Hymen Jacal, Turkey Neck, Olive Head, Tent Rod, Mr. WhatdidItellya, Baldie with a Turtle Neck, Shaggy Bone, Uterus Drill, Vein Burrito, and last but not least, Your Sister's Pet.
This is what 12 years in an all-girls private Catholic school does to you.
Posted by: Sofía at June 1, 2008 5:31 PM
another pythonism (monty), we've always used "naughty bits" in what passes for polite conversation around here.
and harvey korman. what a tragic loss. godtopus must have needed a laugh.
he will be sorely missed.
Posted by: bionic bunny at June 1, 2008 5:55 PM
Loob, I live near Universal Studios. When I went outside today, I thought it was residual fireworks smoke from my neighbor's fervent quinceneria celebration last night. Instead, I found out that Bad Religion was right, and Los Angeles is Bur-ur-ur-urning. It seriously reaks of fried King Kong today.
Posted by: insertclevernamehere at June 1, 2008 7:21 PM
heheh I was going to offer you a consoling hug and some coco pops, but now you've made mock of my beloved Kong. :D Yeh, sucker is crispy, but I still loves him.
Trouser trout!