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Pajiba Love

On the 10th anniversary of his death, let’s fondly remember Phil Hartman with a mini diversion: what was your favorite Hartman moment? (CC Insider)

Kirsten Dunst takes her depression on the rocks, with a twist of lime. (WIMB)

DC Comics and Time Warner tells kids with cancer to suck it. Wonder what Batman would think about that, hmmm..? (QuizLaw)

But here’s some good news: the Swayze is getting better! (Celebitchy)

Exactly how unsexy do you think a story about Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong getting it on could possibly be? Spoiler alert: it involves feces! (Yeeeah!)

Irony defined: the best photo I’ve seen in a while. (Deus Ex Malcontent)

Confessions, serve ‘em up: How many of you heavily inked ‘jibans have a tattoo on this list? Don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone… (YBNBY)

Since Nathaniel has taken the time to live blog the entire 1977 ABBA movie, the very damn least I can do is direct you over to it. (Film Experience)

R. Kelly’s strategy of claiming that it’s not really him on the video tape having sex with the underage girl going predictably not well. Ha ha, you fucker. (The Blemish)

Seriously?! Of all the reasons to pick on Rachel Ray, you’re going to start shit over an unfortunate looking scarf? Gahhhhh. (HuffPo)

If a battered and fried chicken n’ cheese product is called “any’tizers” — does that mean it’s suitable for breakfast and dessert? (The Impulsive Buy)

In one of the most awesome internet clips I’ve ever seen, Rosie O’Donnell scares the motherloving hell out of a young John Ritter, after the jump.

Pajiba Love | May 28, 2008 | Comments (55)

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.







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Comments

My favorite Phil Hartman moment will always be anything involving Troy McClure (A Fish Called Selma is one of my favorite episodes of The Simpsons).

"Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as 'Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun' and 'Firecrackers: The Silent Killers'."

I've only seen a few episodes of Newsradio, but loved him in it. And he will always have a special place in my heart as Vicki the Alcatraz Tour Guide in So I Married an Axe Murderer.

Posted by: Julie at May 28, 2008 3:39 PM

Julie!!! Vicki! I love Vicki!

Posted by: twig at May 28, 2008 3:41 PM

I can't find the clip, but the skit that makes me laugh every time I think of it is the one where Phil is in a soap opera. He keeps trying to say "It's nobody's fault," but keeps saying, "It's FObody's Nault." The look on his face when they correct him is priceless.

Of course, the Caveman is classic too.

Posted by: Riles at May 28, 2008 3:44 PM

When I think Phil Hartman, the first thing comes to mind is Lionel Hutz from The Simpsons: "Hey... This isn't the YMCA..."

Posted by: Bistro at May 28, 2008 3:45 PM

Hee! I know!

"In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a "bitch". And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or "shiv"...and cut out the bitch's eyes. And as if this wasn't enough for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the bitch's ocular cavities. ... This way to the cafeteria!"

Posted by: Julie at May 28, 2008 3:46 PM

Well, I might remember him from such films as...

Posted by: that bees chick at May 28, 2008 3:47 PM

The second-most disturbing part of the Kate/Lance story is "...the source said 'I asked her what she was doing.'"
Someone walked out of a toilet stall, and you asked her what she was doing??

Posted by: A at May 28, 2008 3:54 PM

Of course DC Comics is going to shut down the charity auction -- they're losing money that could be used to promote the "Final Crisis Goodtime Comic Gangbang Extravaganza", written by the husk of what was once Grant Morrison.

Posted by: brownribbon at May 28, 2008 3:54 PM

Julie, I swear Axe Murderer is full of so many quotable quotes you can't quote in public without people quietly backing away and refusing to make eye contact.

Posted by: twig at May 28, 2008 3:57 PM

Twig, that is so true. My two year old nephew has an enormous dome and I yell quotes at him all the time. "It's like an orange on a toothpick!" "Head! Bring me my pants!" Don't worry, he doesn't know what's going on.

I'm trying to figure out if a tattoo in the kidney region can be considered a tramp stamp.

Posted by: Nicole at May 28, 2008 4:05 PM

WORD Twig, I now have about 50 of my favorite moments running in a loop in my head. Or should I say my HEED.

Posted by: Julie at May 28, 2008 4:05 PM

full of so many quotable quotes

This one is first place with my sister and I ("Betsy's Wedding" is a runner-up) and to this day she'll still say "ooor....bein electrocuted!" and it goes over everybody else's head.

When I first told my best friend my dad had worked as a grocery store meat cutter she asked me if he linked his own sausage. Well, I loved her there and then.

Agreed, "I'm just a caveman" wins for me.

I'm glad Michelle Malkin got involved in the scarf kerfuffle. She's always good for a horrified chuckle.

And remember: Stella D'oro Breakfast Treats. Snacktime ANYTIME.

Posted by: Jay at May 28, 2008 4:07 PM

There were so many Phil Hartman moments...but my vote goes to an obscure yet precious one: a brief SNL skit he did called "The Anal-Retentive Chef."

...And YouTube apparently does not have a video of that little skit, either; but I did find the tour guide scene:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=FmFVeeLL01c

Ten years, and I still miss him.

Posted by: Jerce at May 28, 2008 4:10 PM

I know that KFC ad on the right is supposed to scare me out of eating it or something, but when I look at it all I can think of is the Colonel's wee beady eye and how he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken so you crave it fortnightly...

...smartass!

Posted by: Julie at May 28, 2008 4:10 PM

Really. If they're going to burn the Colonel in effigy, the least they can do is season him in 7 delicious herbs and spices.

I'd have to say it was when Harrman played Sinatra doing the Duets recordings. Classic.

I practice the Scottish Martial Art Fuhk Yu. It's a lot of headbutting and kicking people when they're on the ground.

Posted by: insertclevernamehere at May 28, 2008 4:18 PM

I think Roger the Stan Lee Experience (care of X-Play) said it best:

DC stands for douchebag.

Now, I have a feeling it could be a case of DC has employees assigned to eBay/online auction/online sales duty to prevent any unauthorized DC merchandise from being sold, so maybe the cancer auction shut down was taken slightly out of context. Still, it's a very, very poor move to make and I will interested to see what, if any, move the DC execs make.

Posted by: Robert at May 28, 2008 4:21 PM

I can't pick one favorite. But Axe Murderer is certainly awesome. I am currently re-watching all of the Phil Hartmen eps of News Radio on Hulu.com. Sigh. Good times.

Posted by: greer at May 28, 2008 4:22 PM

My Favorite Hartman:
-SNL- As Bill Clinton jogging through McDonald's during the election campaign and eating people's food as a means of explaining the current deficit and how he plans to fix it.

-Simpsons-Well, there is the monorail episode. But, I think I am going to go with Lionel Hutz defending Homer Simpson against the Devil. "if I don't win your case, you get a free pizza."

-News Radio- The episode when Santa Clause was stalking him.

Posted by: cmoody at May 28, 2008 4:23 PM

Gooosh. How about his Newsradio tribute? I should have posted that for today's clip, but in all fairness there's no way in hell I could watch it without tearing up at work.

Posted by: Stacey at May 28, 2008 4:25 PM

I love the Anal Retentive Chef! Whenever I'm chopping vegetables I start measuring the size of the pieces against each other and giggle a bit.

Good times. Good times, indeed, Mr. Hartman.

Posted by: Lainey at May 28, 2008 4:28 PM

The Troy McClure Ads killed me. He had another educational video "Lead Paint: Delicious but deadly".

You can use that quote about anything...I do.

Phil as Mario Cuomo: I GOT MOB TIES
(Do you know I work with 2 assistants who don't know who Mario Cuomo is? Barack Obama is basically borrowing Cuomo's Two Cities Keynote address.)

Posted by: Amanda47 at May 28, 2008 4:34 PM

Wasn't the Anal Retentive Chef one of a series? I seem to recall the Anal Retentive Handyman, with Phil double-bagging his sawdust before throwing it away.

I would comment a little more, and throw in some quotes, but right now I'm going to sit in my cube at work crying quietly - just like I did 10 years ago today.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at May 28, 2008 4:43 PM

None of my tattoos are anything like what's on that list. Of course, I've never gotten one while under any sort of influence, and I never get them done until I've been happy with a design (and where I want to put it) for at least a couple of years, so that pretty much eliminates stupid impulse tattoos.

I do, however, know a couple of people who've spent thousands excising hasty or drunken decisions from their flesh, and several others who have to either wear more clothing than is strictly necessary or spend a lot of time explaining the physical evidence of their lapses in judgment.

There's nothing wrong with tattoos, but for goodness' sake, be sober and be sure about them. If you feel an impulsive need to vandalise your carcass, just pierce something. You can always just take it out if it turns out to make you feel like a fool when the alcohol or adrenaline wear off, or you otherwise come to your senses.

I think I have offically turned into my grandmother. Except, you know, less dead.

Posted by: Sarina at May 28, 2008 4:46 PM

Phil Hartman was a personal fave of mine on SNL. He was great in everything, but right now, his parody of Jesus waiting on David Letterman(w/ David Spade as the asshole receptionist) is truly a classic that sticks out for me.

I could get flamed for this, but I actually liked R. Kelly. Not his sexual antics, but his music; I really like his voice. But the fact that he married Aaliyah when she was oh, 15 should have told people that the man had problems. At this point, R. Kelly could whip it out and piss on a poodle and I wouldn't be shocked.

Posted by: Brie at May 28, 2008 4:46 PM

well, my tattoo isn't cliched, but it looks pretty ridiculous without an explanation - it's a skull and crossbones in the middle of my back, with the weed arabidopsis growing out of its head and a cob of blue corn in its mouth. It represent my undergrad research (plant genomics, guess what our model organisms were). I scribbled a version on the back of a napkin at a conference and dared one of my labmates to get it. They responded by daring me to. And added that they would pay for it if I did. I did force myself to wait and think about it for a year before I did it though. Also, I've always planned on getting a playoff of the barbed wire armband - instead of barbed wire I would have the Schrodinger equation wrapped around my arm. Because I am one helluva nerd.

Posted by: s. pisaster at May 28, 2008 4:49 PM

I loved Newsradio. Phil Hartman was one of the best people that ever appeared on SNL. It doesn't seem like 10 years.

I love Troy McClure and Lionel Hutz.

Posted by: Melody at May 28, 2008 5:01 PM

For those brave enough to watch, here's the NewsRadio tribute episode: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NP9S3ReVOtg
Makes me tear up a bit just watching the first few minutes.

I can't believe Phil Hartman died ten years ago; it really doesn't seem that long. I recently watched a bunch of his SNL stuff with my boyfriend, and the Anal Retentive Chef sketch and the one where he has the Robot Improvement Show both stand out.

Plus all of his stuff on the Simpsons was amazing.

Posted by: Lana at May 28, 2008 5:02 PM

Frank Sinatra, baby, drunkenly, boorishly and tonelessly belting out bits of old lounge standards in between reminiscing about throwing broads through windows and nailing dames in old Hollywood.

There was also the procession of classic SNL commercials during his time there, many of which were elevated to another level by his pitch-perfect "smarmy announcer" voice.

"I'll have Colon Blow!"

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 28, 2008 5:24 PM

Damn, John Ritter was CUTE!

Posted by: BWeaves at May 28, 2008 5:24 PM

s. pisaster pleeeeeeeease get the Schrodinger equation tattoo! Geek tattoos are my favourite. I met a girl once who had a representation of Pi on her back (in a circle, of course), and I couldn't stop looking at it.

All the tattoos I have are Lord of the Rings inspired, and none of them are on that list (love the "booty crease tramp stamp".. I always wondered what to call those). The next tattoo I'm getting is a line from the Upanishads on the top of my food (to be followed, in time, with another line on the other foot), so I'll still be in the clear.

Eventually I'd like to get one on the back of my neck, but I have shoulder length hair so the whole job interview issue won't come into play.

Posted by: Lisa at May 28, 2008 5:34 PM

Phil Hartman was magic. He made Houseguest tolerable.

While my favorite Hartman character was Bill McNeal (doing the fictional idiotic blowhard years before Colbert), my favorite scene was his last appearance on SNL, when he closed the show with Chris Farley. While it was a tender sendoff in its original context, knowing that both of those guys passed away far too shortly after adds a whole other layer to it.

Posted by: Vermillion at May 28, 2008 5:55 PM

OK. I couldn't find the clip-its been removed. But I did find the transcript.

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/92/92hmcdonalds.phtml

Posted by: cmoody at May 28, 2008 6:06 PM

My favorite Phil Hartman moments all come from Newsradio, though I haven't seen enough of his SNL work:
1) The dance he does upon finding out that Dave and Lisa are together.
2) "YOU'RE obviously crippled by mental illness!"
3) Dave: Maybe you should lay off those sandwiches.
Bill: No, that's just it. I finished the last one at 12:41 last night. Ever since, things have been happening to my body.
Dave: Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation to just run away from you?
Bill: I think my system got used to its hourly fix of artificial preservatives. My body has started to age incredibly rapidly.
Dave: No, it hasn't.
Bill: Yes, it has. We're running out of time, look! Help me, I'm begging you!
Dave: You actually dyed you hair grey to convince me to bring back the sandwich machine?
Bill: Yes, I did! Now do you understand how important this is to me?
Dave: Only if you dyed all your hair grey to match.
Bill: I did!

Posted by: Lucie at May 28, 2008 7:12 PM

You may remember him from such films as:
"Alice's Adventures Through the Windshield Glass!"
"Mommy, What's Wrong With that Man's Face?"
"Earwigs, ew!"
"Alice Doesn't Live Anymore"

Also, re. sex in bathroom stalls, that person's suggestion that urine and fecal matter fly out of the toilet in a radius of ten feet? Yeah, that's a completely unsubstantiated e-mail "factoid" right there. Seriously, until I see legitimate scientific research findings proving such a silly claim, I call BS.

Posted by: Lannie at May 28, 2008 7:44 PM

Colon Blow, Caveman Lawyer, and his Frankenstein were all great, but my favorite Hartman moment comes from the mouth of Lionel Hutz:

"Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it."

Posted by: JMW at May 28, 2008 8:08 PM

Oh, I also loved when Hartman played the lord, and told the housewife to stop asking for stupid little things.

Posted by: JMW at May 28, 2008 8:09 PM

Aww Mom, you know I'm not like other guys. I'm nervous and my socks are too loose.

Posted by: James at May 28, 2008 9:12 PM

One of my favorite Troy McClure quotes from the episode where he marries Selma: "Baby- I love you like I love Fresca. Isn't that enough?"

Posted by: HJ at May 28, 2008 9:14 PM

Seriously, until I see legitimate scientific research findings proving such a silly claim, I call BS.

Appropriate turn of phrase. +2 pts.

Posted by: twig at May 28, 2008 9:16 PM

Another Hartman sketch: Sinatra. I was watching it the other day and almost fell on the floor laughing.

Posted by: Brie at May 28, 2008 9:26 PM

One of my favourite Hartman moments comes in the episode of Newsradio where he thinks he's leaving the station (I think Jimmy had lost him in a poker game). He's sitting at his desk returning all the things he'd stolen over the years as everyone else from the building queues up.

"I always thought your name was Lonnie. Now I know it's Bonnie. Here's your thesaurus."

Posted by: Daniel Hall at May 28, 2008 10:42 PM

I had an intense discussion with my two favorite girlfriends (Gools, you were there in spirit) tonight at a mediocre bar regarding the "tramp stamp" issue. My friend Keek has a shamrock on her inner hip. We were debating on placement of the "tramp stamp". Our conclusion was that if it's not directly above the Crack of Gibraltar, it does not qualify for TS status. My first ink is located squarely in the region of my left kidney. Thoughts, 'jibans?

I haven't mentioned Phil Hartman and my love for him because honestly, and cheesily, it still hurts. He was fantastic on SNL but I found my true love for his timing and wit on NewsRadio. I was an ardent fan until his death. After that, I just couldn't stand to watch. He and Dave Foley were the best elements of the show, but the other cast members were sterling as well, even Joe Rogan. Ah, Phil, we hardly knew ye.

Posted by: Nicole at May 28, 2008 11:08 PM

Bill was just bursting with adequatulance.
"Not a word."
"Is now, my friend."

Remember when he was chewing tobacco incessantly and he started using the office mugs to spit it out? Which didn't mesh very well with Dave's coffee addiction.

Posted by: Loob at May 28, 2008 11:15 PM

Hmmm tattoo list (if anything can bring me out of hibernation it's this subject)

I do have a tattoo on my ass. Actually it's less a case of "a tattoo on my ass" and more a case of "my ass is tattooed" there's a distinction. Plus it would look pretty stupid if my back piece just skipped down onto my legs and missed out the ass area entirely. Likewise I am tattooed in the "tramp stamp" area but again, this is impossible to avoid seeing as my entire back from neck to knees is included in my tattoo.

And who on earth gets tattooed drunk? It's fucking dangerous. My blood is thin enough already that I bleed a frightening amount throughout any sessions (or trips to the dentist as I discovered recently. I'm thinking I may need to see a doctor) add alcohol with all its anticoagulant magic and I'd bleed out in the chair. Not a good thing.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at May 29, 2008 5:01 AM

Aw, dude, I have the # 1 tattoo on that list, the sad and ubiquitous tribal armband. In fairness, it was 13 years ago, before every fratboy and douchebag in the nation had one. And, I'm in the process of making it into a part of a new, far cooler tattoo, that will essentially cover most of my arm.

But I don't believe in getting it removed or covered - I like the idea of tattoos as part of your history, showing your mistakes and triumphs. I'm not happy with it, but it still is a part of me.

I was young and didn't know any better. Please, don't judge me.

Posted by: TK at May 29, 2008 7:25 AM

the main problem with getting tattooed drunk is more that u will probably walk in of those parlor that seams to hire very old 3 years old kids, One of those places where you can pick your tattoos only from a catalog and you can get a std of your choice in the deal.
other than that any eventually retarded concept can actually look cool if well done. I personally rock a sweet pink elephant, I love it and I love the guy that did it for doing a great job with what come out of my brain damaged mind. he was also hot, in his jesus/rasputin kinda of way.
the only thing that separates me from getting tons of others tattoo is my bank account but I do have a list in my mind so as soon as I win the lottery i'm good to go

Posted by: rio at May 29, 2008 8:32 AM

Favorite Hartman moment, via Troy McClure: "You give it half a chance, that cow would eat you and everyone you care about."

That DC story is pretty bad, but I still hate Marvel more. Addressing a fan as "bitch" in a Punisher letter column was bad enough, but the Sentry fraud was just twisted. "Hey, let's make up a new character and lie to the fans about where he came from to increase sales!" Assholes. And Wizard played right along, so screw them too.

Posted by: Todd at May 29, 2008 9:08 AM

I love Hartman as Kap'n Karl/Captain Carl. (I maintain that pretty much everyone about my age is effed up because of our exposure to shows like Pee-Wee's Playhouse. But I still love it so.)

I do have a neck tattoo, but it's a little one on the back of my neck, and it's a symbol done in black (not telling what out of an effort to have my secret identity stay that way), so people rarely notice it.

Posted by: frumpiefox at May 29, 2008 11:08 AM

"-News Radio- The episode when Santa Clause was stalking him"

Hell yes. Newsradio in general. The episode when people kept leaving food on his desk was awesome. Well, the first four seasons were awesome. (I can't bring myself to buy the Jon Lovitz season on DVD)

We saw the Phil Hartman bio on A&E the other week and went "...aw, man.." And by the end, we were both sniffling.

Anyone else having trouble loading TIB?

Posted by: Mara at May 29, 2008 11:10 AM

I wonder if the Spambot has a tattoo?

I, personally, do not. It's just never occurred to me to get one - and now I'm getting middle-aged, I'd rather not draw attention to my ongoing collagen reduction with pretty colours. Though I've seen tatts on other people which I've admired. Not the ones in that video in the link though - did anyone else watch it? The guy with the skull on his face.... I mean, Jesus Christ in a sidecar, how crazy would you have to be to do that to yourself?

Posted by: Tarn at May 29, 2008 1:12 PM

"I mean, Jesus Christ in a sidecar..."

Are there goggles and a little leather helmet? Cuz they'd make it extra funny!

Posted by: Sarina at May 29, 2008 1:20 PM

Yes, Sarina, there are.
Also one of those silk scarves Snoopy used to wear when sitting on his doghouse being the Red Baron.
Jesus is a stickler for dressing the part.

Posted by: Tarn at May 29, 2008 3:07 PM

phil hartman moment:
i love his bit in the movie "so i married an axe murderer"!!!
check it out!! brilliant!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmFVeeLL01c

Posted by: maxpurr9 at May 29, 2008 3:08 PM

Whilst none of my ink is on that list, my former other half is covered with tattoos. Including a neck tattoo. 3 in fact; one on each side, and "hillbilly" scripted across his throat. It actually works well for him (albeit he is NOT a hick in any sense).

Posted by: Nadha at May 29, 2008 3:29 PM

I don't know about the U.S. or Europe, but it's pretty hard to get a tattoo when you're drunk in Canada. I've been asked every time I sat in a chair (7 times) if I'd been drinking, and was told that if I was drunk they would refuse to tattoo me. Maybe the rules got stricter over the years?

Posted by: dora at May 30, 2008 1:08 AM


















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