Pajiba

Those Inappropriate Movie Soundtracks are absolutely fantastic!!

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom...when white met bread.

Hmmm...bad child star parents. Nevermind the Lohans, I'm surprised the Culkins didn't make that list. Or the Jacksons.

That would have been really inappropriate had they used the scene from the book -- she was masturbating with a crucifix.

Sorry for the childish first comment but I had to do it once... anyway. I've just seen the veggie riblets review and that review, although it's positive, encompasses what I hate about veggie-meat products. The truth is that veggie burgers or veggie riblets or veggie whatever have no taste whatsoever and they are simply inundated with spices or sauces to give them some taste. The best thing which the reviewer finds about the riblets is the "smoky barbeque sauce that they come drenched in"! You can have barbeque sauce drenched on anything. What's the point of buying some overpriced veggie-meat which looks like meat but doesn't taste anything like it. It's like eating bunny shaped cereal and calling it veggie rabbit. Do vegetarians really eat this stuff? Doesn't it make more sense to cook up something really tasty with real vegetables yourself? I would like to see what any vegetarians out there think about such products? There are so many interesting things vegetarians can eat. I think eating these would reek of desperation. Why would any vegetarian want to pretend they are eating meat anyway?

McRibs suck? You bet your ass. McAnything sucks. Well, except maybe for the fries, which I quite like.

I love that list of orgasm facts, even though I knew most of them from reading Bonk. And while the video is fun, the written description she has of being there while pig inseminators are inseminating sows and doing their best to have them experience the piggy peak is much funnier, in my opinion.

And congrats on two years, Stacey!

*childish first comment*

Posted by: barf at May 22, 2009 1:49 PM

Well, barf, I will try to answer you as best I can. I am not technically a vegetarian (though I have given up pork entirely and haven't had beef since January or so) since I still eat of the chicken and the fish, but Ms. Donut went vegan about a year ago. Since I rely on her delicious cooking for the majority of my meals, she sometimes uses (or makes) vegetarian meats. Tofurkey sausages are pretty good (much tastier than your standard hot dog) and her homemade vegan sausages (at least this last batch) are delicious. I'm lucky my wife is a killer cook.

I don't ever try any fake bacon products. I love bacon. I really, really do and the few I've tried just never even come close. So, I don't want to sully my fond memories of bacon.

To be honest, I may not have the most discerning taste, since I have no real sense of smell, but most (not all) of the veggie meats I have eaten taste good enough and the texture is pretty much right on. (Texture is a big issue for me.) So, they're good. They taste enough "like meat" for me.

Are they as tasty as the real thing? No, absolutely not, but at least when I eat them I know no animal who was likely smarter than my dog (whom I love dearly) was tortured and killed just because I wanted something that taste a little bit better.

That's why I eat the fake, veggie meats. I'm sorry if it upsets you so much. I don't do it because I feel superior to anyone and as a long, long time lover of bacon and sausage, I certainly can't begrudge anyone from eating and enjoying it. It's just a personal decision that I've made.

I'm still pondering the chicken and fish thing.

Hope that helps.

Thanks for your answer forbiddendonut. It doesn't upset me. I was just wondering what vegetarians think about such products. And maybe I'm still suffering from the last time I ate vegetarian burgers. The texture was like cardboard and the taste was just lots and lots of spices. Nothing like a 'real' burger. You've intrigued me enough to give veggie meats another go.

Happy Pajiversary Stacey. Of course you realise that when Jeremy was offering you a hammock, it was of the banana variety.

RE: Orgasm Facts

Fact: My Father-in-Law's first job was at a turkey farm, jerking-off turkeys. It was extra funny as the first time I heard about this was also the first time my parents and in-laws met. God I miss that man.

Posted by: barf at May 22, 2009 1:49 PM "Do vegetarians really eat this stuff? Doesn't it make more sense to cook up something really tasty with real vegetables yourself? I would like to see what any vegetarians out there think about such products? There are so many interesting things vegetarians can eat. I think eating these would reek of desperation. Why would any vegetarian want to pretend they are eating meat anyway?"

I'm a person who eats fish but no meat products (pescatarian? I just know some people get mad if you say you're a vegetarian but you eat fish, & I'd hate to offend) & I'm married to a true vegetarian.
We eat these prepared "fake" meats occasionally for various reasons, the main one being convenience. We try to eat whole foods as much as possible, but sometimes we both have long hard days & no one is in the mood to chop, stir, simmer & wait. Pop these riblets in the microwave & they're tasty in 4 minutes! There's no desperation involved. We eat all sorts of other, more "interesting" meals most nights, so what's the problem? I agree most store-bought meat substitutes are overpriced & high in sodium. We're working on recipes to make our own fake meat because we are cheapskates.

I once worked with I guy who had previously sold bull semen for a living. He had loved to answer the, "what do you do?" question from women in bars with, "I'm a semen salesmen". It left most of them speechless until one young lady, without missing a beat, replied, "Oh yeah? Is yours any good?" He married her.

Oh man. That Morgan Freeman speech from Glory gets me every time.

Another clown related Deep Thought:
"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."

barf, veggie meat products can actually be really good. I think it's really good for people (like me) who became veggies later in life and are transitioning from a meat heavy diet to not eating any meat at all. Morning Star brand is really good, and Trader Joe's makes some great meat substitutes (my favorite is stuffed "chicken" that has actually the same texture and similar taste to real chicken). I guess it's a matter of taste, but being able to eat meat substitutes has made changing my diet pretty dramatically a hell of a lot easier.

Also, the Shining video was hilarious.

Anyway. It's not as good as the semen salesman or the turkey jerky (ha! see what I did there?) stories, but I used to work in a pet supply store (no animals, thank you, just supplies) where we sold the very popular beef pizzles. We always took great joy in telling the suburban moms who came in and asked, "My dog loves these so much! What are they made of?" that they are freeze-dried bull penises. My god, the looks of horror on their faces. Especially if they were accompanied by children.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at May 22, 2009 3:22 PM

I ordered some of these things off the internet for my dog. They were called "bully sticks". I didn't quite realize what they were until I opened the box and inside was a label that read: 100% bull penis.

We refer to the McRib as the McCartilage.

And with Orgasm-fact list... I call foul on the after-you're-dead situation. Just because the purely mechanical spasm of ejaculation can be triggered? Nope. That's not what that word means.

I mean, if I hook a battery to a dead frog's legs and they go to twitchin', that don't mean the frog's enjoyin' a swim.

I hate to tell people I'm a vegetarian, because I don't want them to think I'm one of THOSE vegetarians. I don't care what other people eat, and I don't want to get into a discussion with them. I don't want to lecture anyone or give anyone a hard time for cheating on their diet.

I eat mostly vegan style because dairy makes me sick and I don't like the taste or texture of meat. I will eat fish on rare occasions (yeah I cheat on my diet, who doesn't?). I do eat some of the fake meats because sometimes I just want something chewy / salty / meaty along with the veg, and I'm OK if it doesn't taste like real meat (so much the better, actually). Some brands are better than others, and some require serious smoothering to make tasty. Personally, I don't like the fake ribs because I don't like Bar-B-Q flavor or texture. I didn't like the real thing when I ate meat, either.

Bad scenes from good movies, well, not so much scenes as audio. If I could change anything in films, I'd rewrite Jar Jar Binks's lines, and give him a new voice. Phantom Menace would go up at least 20 percent on the Tomatometer.

Jar Jar's followed us here, and has come to extract revenge. Run for you lives!

Lawdy No! Feets don't fail me now!

Clowns and cake DO NOT go together! That is one fast way to kill my love of cake and I'm not going to chance it.

And since I've openly admitted that my spine is made of jello, you all know that there's no way I'm looking at that Exorcist clip. I don't care how "hilarious" it's supposed to be.
I never even saw the whole movie because I was too busy trying to shove my head into my armpit. I'm not going to ruin that nearly 10 year streak!

figgy, since you're still up and I'm drunk, wish me a happy fucking birthday, dammit. I'm declaring May 23 my holiday.

Lebron for 3. *tear*

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TCFKAB!!!!
How does it feel to reach 12 years old?!
FYI: Watch out for vaginas. They are a support system for crazy brains with tits (BBQ dust might agitate said tits' nipples). Luscious, mmmfffiing, fantastic tits. *closes eyes*

*peeks out*

figgy,
Come back to us you cute little sweetie. If you'll miss S. America, move to Miami. Same thing, yo.

Scenes to take out of good movies: The car scene at the beginning of Star Trek. Replace that with something meaningful, like adding time near the end of the film to make the battle less anticlimactic.

Aaaand I spelled Stacey wrong because I'm a dipshit. Sorry!

Kballs, I enjoy it, the little girlies are just getting ripe and they're ... oh wait, you said:

"How does it feel to reach 12 years old?!"

I misread that.

Think I'll go one better. As Stephen Wright pointed out:

24 beers in a case.

24 hours in a day.

Coincidence?

God, those child actor stories are horribly depressing. I had no idea Buffy met such a sad end and so young.

I've always wanted to re-work nearly all of What Dreams May Come. Including re-casting nearly the whole thing. I love the story, I love the premise.