I don’t know much about “Square Pegs,” but I can tell you one thing — although I’ve never seen a single minute of it I already hate it less than “Sex and the City.” (A.V. Club)
Seriously? Any plastic surgeon who does this much work on a 14-year-old girl who hasn’t suffered severe third degree burns should have his license revoked and be publicly castrated. (WIMB)
One thing you should know about Rep. Henry Waxman? Never piss off a man holding a tiny wooden hammer. (QuizLaw)
Unlike Dustin — who is capable only of bitchiness — Nathaniel has complex feelings over the fact that Jake Gyllenhaal has been cast in the lead for Prince of Persia. (FilmExperience)
Hell yeah! Let’s hear it for us girls with chicken legs! (Popoholic)
The internet was originally created for good, but it was inevitable that the dark forces of annoyingness would eventually take over. (Cracked)
Have I died and gone to 1980-something? Sharon Stone is flashing her hoo haw again (IDLYITW) and Madonna is showing everybody her boobers in see-through clothing. (Celebslam)
“American Idol” is mercifully finished for another year, and if you haven’t been watching, Nobody Fucking Cares was the big winner this season! (The Blemish)
Wait, wha? The list of the “Funniest People in America” includes Ricky Gervais? Not that I dispute the inherent funniness of Ricky Gervais, but what pray tell, is your definition of “America,” Entertainment Weekly? (CC Insider)
Now I don’t poo outside like the guy in the clip, but I don’t particularly care for public restrooms, either. But if this was my only way of getting past it, I would sooner hold my bowels until they explode. (Jezebel)
This is absolutely true: celebrity reality TV has gotten so bad that even I can no longer tolerate it. OK, barely tolerate it. (MakinLoveIn2003)
Ohgodohgodohgod! I have never been so much simultaneously hilarified and horrified all at once. As College Humor puts it, “a warning for kids and an instruction manual for molesters,” after the jump.
Good Godtopus. I need a shower after that watching that video. Is bad that I kept laughing during the whole thing? I thought it was going to get funny at some point. Never did.
Posted by: jM at May 22, 2008 3:59 PM
Those aren't chicken legs, Litely.
Those are works of art.
Posted by: Riles at May 22, 2008 4:20 PM
If it's bad to laugh at that clip, I don't wanna be, uh, not bad.
And just remember: "No live boys were molested in the making of this film."
Shit Stacey, there are so many things in today's PL I want to comment on, I don't know where to start and I don't have that much time. My priority has to be Madonna. Did she make some pre-death pact with Tammy Faye Bakker to carry on her mascara legacy? Who gives two hoots about the nipple, it's Madonna's nipple, we've been subjected to it since 1983. But the eyes, oh my God, the eyes? She is now officially a crazy old woman.
Posted by: PaddyDog at May 22, 2008 4:22 PM
Oh, and I didn't call them chicken legs, the Popoholic man did. My legs are skinnier than that anyway. Sigh.
I had to comment immediately after looking at those pictures of Ali Lohan. The child is unrecognizable. She's obviously had a nose job and at the very least her lips done. She looks nothing like herself. She looks like she walked off the set of a shitty remake of Goodfellas - that's what she looks like.
Posted by: Kolby at May 22, 2008 4:36 PM
And just remember: "No live boys were molested in the making of this film."
All the time it was playing, I was wondering, "Did they thoroughly vet this old man actor? Because he seems a little TOOOO accustomed for the role." I still laughed, but it made me feel bad inside, I swear.
Moving on to a happy happy sunshine and rainbows topic to counter that darkness, I have to say Nathaniel's analysis of the Prince of Persia casting was spot on. While I don't quite have the man-love for Gyllenhaal he has, he raises some very good points. It is sad that, for being demonized as such a den liberalism, Hollywood is still forced to bend over backwards to a bunch of morons. I'm looking at you, Kentuckians who proudly voted against the black guy named Hussein.
Unless they are the Modern Genie (the Middle Eastern version of the Magical Negro) or villains, it doesn't look like too many actors of such descent are going to be getting much high-profile work.
As far as the latest Lohan nonsense, part of me feels like just taking Ali and shaking all the plastic out of her. And then turkey-slapping her mother for good measure (if only I didn't think she would like it).
OK, and now I've seen the video. All I know is someone should have realized those kids weren't really learning anything over at the old man's workshop - that was one shitty birdhouse.
Posted by: Kolby at May 22, 2008 4:48 PM
"'American Idol' is mercifully finished for another year, and if you haven't been watching, Nobody Fucking Cares was the big winner this season!"
Word to that. My boss last night made me be sure to run a story in our newspaper about who won (even though we had a tight newshole and could've used the space for something that actually mattered). I ran it, because, you know, you do what the boss asks, but I was annoyed, and thinking the whole time that anyone who gives even half a shit about this will have FUCKING WATCHED THE SHOW. They really don't need to read about it in the paper the next day.
Posted by: Cady at May 22, 2008 4:50 PM
Ok--too creepy. I kept waiting for the punchline. bleh.
NatNat needs to keep her legs close together so she looks like she has one good, healthy leg.
part of me feels like just taking Ali and shaking all the plastic out of her
She might as well just change her name to Lindsay Two. She's trying as hard as she can to become her clone. At least Jamie didn't have work done...that's all her!
I'm going to have to say...I don't usually like chicken legs. I like some substance. However...I'd put up with it from Natalie. She can wrap those firestarters around me anyday...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 22, 2008 5:13 PM
Amen Vermillion:
I can tolerate people not voting for my candidate of choice based on any sound argument, but to think that it's based on skin colour or middle name just leaves me stunned. And by the way rednecks of America, his official new name is Barack Black Eagle since he was officially adopted by the Crow Nation this week, so suck on that: the original Americans are in his corner.
Posted by: PaddyDog at May 22, 2008 5:14 PM
EEEEKKK!! That is one freaky video if I do say so myself. I've always been wary of men who work in tool sheds all day, so I'm safer. But Whoa, it was like watching Mysterious Skin all over again! But it was a cheesy PSA from the 90's!
After examining the pictures of Sharon Stone I have arrived at a diagnosis. She is suffering from a severe case of scrotum.
Posted by: OscarTamerz at May 22, 2008 5:39 PM
I'll accept Ricky Gervais, seeing how he helps write and produce The Office. I will not accept, though, that Kristen Wiig is somehow funnier than both him and David Cross. She was amusing in her Knocked Up bit-part, but her SNL fare is near exclusively said Knocked Up character. It gets old *really* fast.
I am pleased to see, however, that the Ambiguously Gay Duo managed to grab slots 2 and 5.
Posted by: Master Mahan at May 22, 2008 5:48 PM
Vermillion and Paddy, even worse is the number of mouth-breathers I see interviewed who say they can't see voting for him because he's Muslim. I know that's sort of related to the Hussein thing, but at least that's really his name -- those people are just straight-up bigots, working with something that isn't a right-wing lie. How fucking stupid does one have to be to be bigoted on bad information? Just put the grenade in your mouth and pull the pin.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 22, 2008 5:51 PM
I'm with OscarTamerz on that one. There's a nutsack floating about down there...
Regarding Ali Lohan - Okay, I realize she's the sister of a semi-famous "actress", but is there more to it than that? Has she actually done anything? Can we trace the whole "famous for being famous" thing back to a specific person? When exactly did being a "celebrity" take place of having a fucking scrap of talent? Why does B.Spears have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? Why is Paris Hilton at Cannes? Can just friggin' anybody go? What the frick is a Tila Tequila? How does Flavor Flav get laid? Does this happen in other countries? I'm seriously friggin' confused here...
WHERE THE HELL ARE THE KEYS TO THE MURDERTANK?!
...goddamed blackouts anyhow...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 22, 2008 6:08 PM
Socalled:
You're so right. There's an interesting piece in the NYT today about older Jewish voters in Florida that shows the many myths that have been spread about Obama. They run the gamut from "he's in bed with the Palestinians" to "al Quaida is backing him". These are lovely little grannies who you'd love to play a game of shuffleboard with and their minds have been poisoned.
Interestingly, one person comments that it doesn't matter that Obama's father became an atheist or that Obama himself became a Christian because in the Jewish tradition, it doesn't matter what you decide, your faith comes from the parent; therefore, he's Muslim.
There are days when the arguments against letting the masses vote are just too compelling.
Posted by: PaddyDog at May 22, 2008 6:11 PM
Skittimus:
Yes, it happens in other countries. There's a woman in Britain who is famous and photographed all the time on the sheer basis that she wants to be a Victoria Beckham lookalike. That's it. She doesn't sing or dance (not that Posh does either), she doesn't act, give blood, wipe orphans' noses or even turn squares on a game show. She just cuts and dyes her hair in whatever style VB has and wears similar clothes. And she goes to loads of events and has her photo taken on red carpets. I kid you not.
Posted by: PaddyDog at May 22, 2008 6:17 PM
Can we trace the whole "famous for being famous" thing back to a specific person?
I don't know if she's the start, but she was a pioneer alright!
Geez, I'd love to have skinny chicken legs. They'd be a much welcome change from a lifetime of effing tree trunk legs. No matter what my weight, my BMI, or how much I run, my legs are always as thick and shapely as redwoods. Skinny jeans are totally out of the question. Shoot, I nearly always have to go up a size so my jeans will properly envelope my FAT FUCKING THIGHS.
In summery, ladies do not ever complain about having skinny legs or I will hunt you down and suffocate your whiny face with my FAT FUCKING THIGHS.
And Square Pegs was so before its time and wonderfully awesome. And Devo performed on an episode. At a character's bat mitzvah!
"No matter what my weight, my BMI, or how much I run, my legs are always as thick and shapely as redwoods."
Amen to that, sister! Same thing here... oh, and let's go jeans shopping together someday. After we stop at a bar of course.
Posted by: Becky Tri-Tip Goddess at May 22, 2008 7:05 PM
I like redwood shapely thighs...don't be ashamed of em!
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 22, 2008 7:07 PM
Becky, that reminds me that I don't think you answered my query about your handle: beef afficianado or complicated dildo enthusiast? (Or both? Rrrowwwrr.)
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 22, 2008 7:10 PM
Paddydog Your comment about the older Jewish voters in Florida reminds me of something my Grandmother told me during the last election. She informed me, very matter-of-factly, that if Kerry were to be elected, he would be able pick and choose which babies to have aborted so he could use the stem cells. She and my Grandfather truly believed that being President of the United States of America would give Kerry the power to abort fetuses for fun and stem cell research. They, unfortunately, did not take into account the asshattery in which Bush could further engage when casting their vote.
Posted by: Dangle McGee at May 22, 2008 7:14 PM
Correction, PaddyDog: In Jewish tradition, faith doesn't come from the parent, it comes from the mother alone.
Plus, it very much matters what you decide: you can even become Jewish, but it is a long and difficult process defined carefully in Jewish tradition and it has to be supervised by a rabbinate.
Posted by: CasKo at May 22, 2008 7:36 PM
No way man! I'm gettin' my Jew on right now, after only three whiskey sours. Dude, I'm so Jewish right now! In an hour, I'll be Muslim, though, and tomorrow morning? I'll be fucking Quaker.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 22, 2008 7:52 PM
Just watching that PSA traumatized me. I feel abused. And dirty. And ashamed.
Posted by: greer at May 22, 2008 7:56 PM
I don't know what all the fuss is about. I think Sharon Stone has a gorgeous cock.
Posted by: I Love Beets at May 22, 2008 8:00 PM
Skit has a point. Much like clothing, I believe that after a person is capable of going through to waves of celebrity: The initial break out, which eventually subsides, followed by the faux-irony retro comeback, in which they become famous again so we can attempt to figure out why we made them famous to begin with. And also, if anyone can give me an official definition, what exactly is a socialite? That's not meant to be funny, it's a serious question: What is a socialite? From what magical spring does their money come from? Do they do anything at all? Stacy, as our resident etymologist, would you care to explain? Thanks!
Posted by: Jeremy at May 22, 2008 8:07 PM
An excuse is never needed, but in honor of Dr. Jones's return today, why not revisit "Sneakin In The Movies"?
And Pink: HELL YES. Redwood thighs unite! Luckily, I've always found guys who appreciate the junk in my trunk and the bounce in my walk, but Godtopus help me if I want to find a damn pair of jeans that fit at BOTH my small waist AND my giant thighs.
For reals - sorry skinny ladies, but you get no sympathy here.
I try as best I can to limit my comments on different articles written here at pajiba, but at other times, I must speak out. I am tormented by Vermillion and his somewhat dubious pro Obama stance. Please my fellow pajiba readers do not be fooled by Vermillion; he is at best a fan of John McCain. Vermillion is a lover of Clarence Thomas, Bill "my I offer you a drink young lady" Cosby, and last but not least, Armstrong "sure, I'll be glad to push your agenda for a small fee" Williams. Vermillion, you have succeeded at fooling the good folks here at pajiba, but I know you, and you know that I know you. The jig is up.
Yours truly,
Pooks
Posted by: Pookie at May 22, 2008 10:05 PM
Casko:
the comment on how Jewish people derive religious origin was not my opinion or my understanding of the issue, I was referring to how one of the Jewish people interviewed in the NYT had described it.
Posted by: PaddyDog at May 22, 2008 10:28 PM
Vermillion is a lover of Clarence Thomas
That's just evil. Dragging your schtick around here is fine for a laugh, but that's not funny. Fuck you, Pookie.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 22, 2008 10:30 PM
Vermillion, you have succeeded at fooling the good folks here at pajiba, but I know you, and you know that I know you.
There's nothing more racist than the statement, "Because I'm black, I know you better than these white folks." Not helpful, not impressive, not accurate. But I'm sure because I'm white I can't understand the depth and substance of the statement.
Man, racism is insidious.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 22, 2008 10:35 PM
That video is one of those things a person just can't unsee and Natalie Portman needs a damned sandwich. And some fried chicken, greens and sweet potato pie. For every meal. A woman's thighs should have at least a passing familiarity with each other.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at May 22, 2008 10:47 PM
Jay, you will always and forever have a special place in my heart for that clip.
Posted by: jM at May 22, 2008 10:48 PM
I apologize for being anal retentive: in this instance, I can't seem to help myself.
"Any plastic surgeon who does this much work on a 14-year-old girl who hasn't suffered severe first degree burns...."
You mean third degree burns. A first degree burn is a sunburn.
Posted by: Erin MJ at May 22, 2008 11:18 PM
Pink and Tammy: let us unite and be proud of our strong ass-kicking runner's legs! They may look like redwoods but I for one am happy to be able to kick an idiot's butt up between his shoulderblades.
Oh, and the Sharon Stone pics? Thanks. I always wondered what a polterwang looks like in its natural state.
Posted by: Kris at May 22, 2008 11:31 PM
"What is a socialite?"
Jeremy I believe it's a kinder, gentler way of saying "celebutard". Or perhaps, you graduate from celebutard to a more dignified, less skanky version of such - i.e. the socialite.
Either way, Ali Lohan will eventually wash up at the bottom of the Porn chain - maybe even starring with her sister!! Awww yeeeaaah, nephew!
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 22, 2008 11:35 PM
okay... that went a little far... my apologies.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 22, 2008 11:37 PM
No no...you got it right the first time, Skitt...it's the PC version of celebutard. Or as its otherwise known as - "Useless waste of a person".
Every country has em. Not every country is proud to mass produce them. Pity those countries, ladies and gentlemen...for they are what keeps the children from believing they need to work at being a useful member of society.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 22, 2008 11:57 PM
Socalledonlycousins, yes at times I can provide comic relief. Can please point out where in my entire comment that I mentioned white folks or said, "Because I'm black, I know you better than these white folks." I consider Vermillion to be a very intelligent person; all the things I say to him are only in jest. Moreover, I would be very surprised if Vermillion even responded to what I wrote, and if he did at this point, it would only be to help you avoid from looking like a complete asshole.
Posted by: Pookie at May 23, 2008 12:05 AM
I think at one point socialites also performed good works (albeit without getting their manicured hands dirty).
Posted by: samantha t at May 23, 2008 7:14 AM
i always get totally squiffed out when i watch stuff like that, not just cos its inherantly gross and evil, but cos...just think of the people involved in that??
i mean...gah! how weird would it be to be act those roles?
also, i too totally expected that thing to get funny, i was like, its gonna be all creepy and weird then it'll suddenly turn out to be about safety when you're making bird houses, 'and then something happened...i was making a bird house one day and the saw slipped and i cut my hand...i always wanted to be an artist but now, i'll never draw again...saw's aren't toys' *holds up mangled former hand*
but....but that never happened...and now i feel dirty and gross and want to go and protect kids but of course, if i linger around the schools, hoping to trap/scare off the actual predators, i'm gonna look more than a bit suspicious...
Posted by: nadine at May 23, 2008 8:13 AM
it would only be to help you avoid from looking like a complete asshole.
Yeah. Keep fantasizing about a world where I give two squirts about your opinion of me. Maybe you once said something amusing there, too. Goodbye.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 23, 2008 8:44 AM
You know Pookums, you used to actually make a smidgen of occasional sense. Now your posts are routinely apropos of completely nothing, make no sense whatsoever, and are just flat-out fucking insane.
See a doctor, Pookster. One way or another, get your shit together, otherwise you're nothing more than the SpamBot with slightly (slightly) better punctuation.
Socalled and TK, I did not intend for my comment to Vermillion about Vermillion to cause the two of you whom I consider to be two of our more prominent members of pajiba to lash out at me. Gentlemen, if I've said anything to offend your sensibilities I humbly and sincerely apologize. I'm relatively new to the commenting game and maybe I didn't follow certain protocols or maybe I showed a lack of pajiaba etiquette. I look forward to being once again in your good graces. In my travels all over this great country I meet salt of the earth people. I can safely say that you two are like those that I meet, good hard-working Americans, you know, white Americans.
Good Godtopus. I need a shower after that watching that video. Is bad that I kept laughing during the whole thing? I thought it was going to get funny at some point. Never did.