Pajiba Love 05/19/09

Are You Sure It's Too Late To Get Scrooge McDuck?

By Stacey Nosek | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (55)

Remember why The Polar Express sucked? Well, that’s pretty much exactly the reason why the new Christmas Carol movie will suck too. Plus, you know, Jim Carrey. (Film School Rejects)

Stormy Daniels, accomplished porn star, is starting a grassroots campaign to run for the senate. And by “grassroots” I mean “handjob.” (Quiz Law)

Oh boy! Guess who’s suddenly not too good to withdraw her name from Emmy consideration this year? (Webster’s)

The Twilight: New Moon movie poster has been leaked online, but more importantly, so has the poster for Coctomom! (Yeeeah!)

Oh hey, remember that trailer we ran for Antichrist where William Dafoe fucks on a pile of dead bodies? Apparently that’s not even NEAR the most disturbing thing that happens in that movie. (Agent Bedhead)

And now that your gag relfexes are good and tested, here’s the most disturbing thing I’ve ever read in my entire life. I can’t even say what happened because I can’t force myself to type out the words. My. God. (Boing Boing)

Remember that time in Dirty Dancing when, like, that chick had an abortion? Here are dark moments in popcorn flicks. (Screen Junkies)

For anyone who’s a fan of the popular F My Life, you don’t want to miss this new incarnation — which, if you ask me — is tons funnier than the original. Thanks to Miss Julie for the tip! (My Life Is Average)

I’ve been pimping out a lot of charity stuff lately, but honestly? Can you ever pimp out too much charity stuff? Anyway, a blogger friend of TK and a few other colleagues/eloquents is doing a bike ride for his friend’s son who suffers from hemophilia. So check it out, y’all, because it’s a good cause. (My Taste In Wine Leans Towards Vodka)

I always thought Jessica Biel seemed like she was kind of down to Earth, but that’s before she started saying she can’t get acting jobs because she’s too “beautiful.” (Celebitchy)

it’s no wonder Obama doesn’t want to release those torture photos. They’re even worse than anyone could have ever imagined. I know, I know. Torture isn’t funny. (Holy Taco)

A new study says that pulling out is a viable method of birth control, but if you ask me that’s the same reason we don’t trust dudes to take a pill every day. (Zelda Lily)

Here are four “Simpsons” controversies that didn’t end in lawsuit. I had no idea there was an actual ongoing feud with the Bushes and Simpsons beyond the “Two Bad Neighbors” episode. (mental floss)

Thanks to Dan Carlson for passing it along to me, here is a hastily made Cleveland tourism video. It doesn’t look nearly as glamorous as when Liz Lemon visited:

And just because, here’s a second attempt at a hastily made Cleveland tourism video:

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.

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Comments

Jessica Biel, from the neck up, is not attractive. Maybe that's why you can't get a job? Although you could be in Sleepy Hollow 2, I guess. A pumpkin on the stump of your neck would be an improvement.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at May 19, 2009 1:11 PM

Some of those MLIA submissions are just so dull that they're funny. But I still prefer FMyLife.

Seems like Heigl is wising up to the Emmy thing. Her movies aren't doing shit (and we haven't even seen The Ugly Truth yet) so she's capitalizing on her GA fame while she can. Bet her dumb ass won't be so quick to bitch about her contract or the writers anymore.

Posted by: Brie at May 19, 2009 1:11 PM

If you ever want to sleep peacefully again in life, don't click that Boing Boing link. Sweat merciful Christ. I want to go hug my daughter and hide under the steps until my daddy makes the bad man go away.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at May 19, 2009 1:11 PM

I am still squeezing my legs tightly together every time I even think for a second about the reviews I read for Antichrist. I can't imagine who wants to see that film.

Posted by: Cindy at May 19, 2009 1:14 PM

Johnny, that guy had a dirty knife and a folding table!!!

Posted by: Jez at May 19, 2009 1:15 PM

You left out a bit...

"A new study (from Sully, Mook, and Hoser from the Pi Kappa Alpha chapter at Boner University) says that pulling out is a viable method of birth control, but if you ask me that’s the same reason we don’t trust dudes to take a pill every day"

Posted by: Groovekiller at May 19, 2009 1:15 PM

If you ever want to sleep peacefully again in life, don't click that Boing Boing link.

All I did was glimpse the headline, and I couldn't hit the back button fast enough. GAH!

Posted by: appwitch at May 19, 2009 1:21 PM

Why are you people making it so hard not to click the link?!

Damn it, I can't resist.

Posted by: Julie at May 19, 2009 1:23 PM

Well, that's just fucked in the head. Poor kid.

Posted by: Julie at May 19, 2009 1:26 PM

Well isn't this a disturbing Pajiba Love today?
The internet is great, but sometimes I weary of not knowing if a link is a joke or a "for real". And you don't know until you click. There are some things you see that you just can't unsee.

Posted by: Odnon at May 19, 2009 1:28 PM

But the Cleveland thing is hilarious.

Posted by: Odnon at May 19, 2009 1:29 PM

OH, no. It's bad. Really bad. It's short, but it's bad.

Tracer, can I wait under the steps for your daddy too?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at May 19, 2009 1:35 PM

Ohhh boohoo, Jessica Biel. You know what's fun to do? Not whining about being fucking too beautiful to get some arthouse picture deal as opposed to some big budget movie, while there are thousands of people in this country with out jobs.

Seriously, is she aware of how asinine she sounds? Those are the things you vent to your mom about on the phone and then let go. If I here one more person bitching about how tough it is to be beautiful I'll go ballistic. I can't think of anything more stupid to be miserable about.

So, in short: Biel, be happy you're still bankable; none of your fanbase is really that worried about you stretching your craft. And hey, here's a thought, maybe nobody thinks you want serious roles to betaken more seriously as serious actor because you chose to do I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry where your only job was to have a nice ass. Get bent, beautiful.

Go cry me a river. (See what I did there? HA!)

Posted by: Kayanne at May 19, 2009 1:38 PM

Only if you bring snacks. I figure we might be here awhile.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at May 19, 2009 1:39 PM

I always love the Pajiba Love but the BoingBoing link is really, really horrible. Not 2Girls1Cup I have to know horrible, but things I wish I never knew about terrifying. I second Tracer, please don't click the link.

Posted by: cc at May 19, 2009 1:44 PM

So PCP turns you into a zombie?

Posted by: branded at May 19, 2009 1:44 PM

Kayanne,

1-0.

Love,

Sid and Geni.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at May 19, 2009 1:46 PM

Okay, I can see an argument being made that many who work in the adult film industry are fine, well-adjusted individuals with loads of self-esteem.
I'm not acquainted with anyone in that line of work, so I'll say "sure, it's quite possible".
What I can't see is how anyone in their right mind could find a woman such as "Ms. Daniels" even remotely attractive, much less sexy and desirable. Honestly, it's not what she does for a living that turns me off, it's that she doesn't resemble anything remotely human, as if she were drawn by some graphic novel fanboy who then fulfilled his recurring wet dream by bringing her to life.
Want a 'viable method of birth control'? Create all women in the image of Sunny Daniels.

Back on track, the Cleveland tourism videos are really, really funny.

Posted by: Spender at May 19, 2009 1:50 PM

buc,

The Bruins & the Devils thought they had it in the bag, too.

Love,
The Cardiac 'Canes

Posted by: Kayanne at May 19, 2009 2:01 PM

The ad asking me to click on Hannah Montana's "Cutest Lover" makes me very uncomfortable. In a very uncomfortable way. It's like getting an awkward boner while thumbing through an issue of Bop.

Posted by: Skitz at May 19, 2009 2:03 PM

Every time. Every time Stacey teases us with a little 'this is so horrible I can't even tell you what it is' I know it'll be awful, and I know I shouldn't click, and I know I'll regret but still--I CLICK.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Everything was so horrifying.

Scrooge--HORRIFYING.
Eyeballs--OH FUCK NO. The headline alone made me scream.
Willem Defore Movie--WHY THE FUCK DID I READ THAT *WHOLE* THING?! ARGH!

Gah. I need to look at some puppies right now.

Posted by: figgy at May 19, 2009 2:11 PM

http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/101/l_665749d8c7544dfea978d7af875ec340.jpg

Posted by: David at May 19, 2009 2:20 PM

You know, given the reactions here, I'm gonna steer clear of the Boing Boing link. My curiosity is itching, but it's like that time I got my wisdom teeth out and the extraction site itched; I know it's there, but I'm not gonna do anything about it because I know that if I do, it'll be worse.

Now I'm gonna show my brother, who just left a school in Cleveland, those tourism videos.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at May 19, 2009 2:21 PM

I saw a news story (I think) about the Stormy Daniels thing recently and I kinda like her. She's not Mary Carey ridiculous and I love that Vitter is all family valuey and the debates and ads and such would be interesting if she ran.

Posted by: king at May 19, 2009 2:21 PM

...His eyes. My God Stacey, HIS EYES. DUDE. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TELL US ABOUT THAT? JESUS CHRIST DUDE. WHAT THE FUCK?

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at May 19, 2009 2:22 PM

Now I have the tune from the Cleveland clips stuck in my head. If only I could scrub my brain of the Boing Boing link...

Posted by: tamatha at May 19, 2009 2:22 PM

I think the Willem Defoe movie thing was more disturbing. But then again I only read the headline on the Boing Boing thing.

Posted by: figgy at May 19, 2009 2:25 PM

i just read the antichrist thing. i am running screaming away from my computer. well, inside i am. aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Posted by: katie b at May 19, 2009 2:29 PM

I hope that guy gets tortured for years in prison, then put in the chair and electrocuted Green Mile style. I am shaking with rage right now.
That fucking piece of shit.
Stacey,
You must now follow that story and tell us when that guy is fucking dead.

Posted by: Kballs at May 19, 2009 2:30 PM

You cannot pay me to click on the BB link.

Posted by: Cindy at May 19, 2009 2:31 PM

and then i read the next thing. not screaming now. not breathing either.

Posted by: katie b at May 19, 2009 2:32 PM

Personally, I think that Stormy is just looking to be the one doing the fucking, for once.

Re: Boing-boing, dude never should have made it to the police station.

Posted by: admin at May 19, 2009 2:58 PM

I clicked on the BB link and all I call think is, Fucking Bakersfield. That town is so fucked. If you're a native Californian you know of which I speak. There are some places in central California that are nightmarishly scary.

Posted by: kidtiger at May 19, 2009 2:59 PM

Shiiiit...those tourism videos are everywhere. I'm from Cleveland and know one of the guys who made the vids. It's all in good fun, and the creators are from C-town, but these vids sure as hell doesn't make my city look very good. There's some great things going on here, seriously. You just have to look a bit harder than you would in some other places. One thing they got right: W.6th St. really is a great place to hang out if you're a douchebag.

Posted by: stryker1121 at May 19, 2009 3:12 PM

I was away from the comp this afternoon ... BUT, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry about the Boing Boing link. I just felt like, I had to read it, so everyone else should have to read it too. That's not very good logic, is it? Sometimes I don't realize how cruel I can be to you guys.

Posted by: Stacey at May 19, 2009 3:53 PM

Ah, screw 'em, Stace. No reason you should suffer alone.

CLICK IT!! CLIIIIIICK IIIIIT!!!

Also, click on my buddy Virgil's thing. Better yet, give some money. Dude is riding a bike seven HUNDRED miles for charity. I'd say that's worth a few bucks.

Posted by: TK at May 19, 2009 3:59 PM

I guess I've been hardened by Fark. They had the eyeball eatin' story yesterday, so I didn't need to click. Eh, you read one eyeball eatin' story, you've basically read them all. Man's inhumanity to man, yadda yadda yadda. See, I'm dead inside.

I think Jessica Biel is beautiful, but yeah, complaining about being too pretty is kinda like complaining about how all your money makes your wallet heavy to carry around. Jebus, I know that a lot of the douchebag "reporters" deliberately try to get celebrities to say stupid things so the Intertubes will generate page views for them, but you'd think celebrities would be more PR-savvy. Christ, they're surrounded by PR flacks all the time, you'd think some of that bullshit pontificating skill would rub off or something. Jessica and Katherine Heigl, repeat after me: "I've been very fortunate to have the opportunities that I've had, I've learned something from every job I've worked and am grateful for the chance to work in this business. Call my agent, I'm happy to show up and do the job."

Posted by: Slash at May 19, 2009 4:28 PM

RE the Dafoe movie: I bet that really gross, depressing movies are, ironically, fun to work on. I mean, going from regular person to happy person on cue must be really fucking difficult, but going from regular person to "OK, then after she crushes my nads, I'm gonna do what? Huh? Um... K, then..."

I mean, you'd have to laugh about that shit, you couldn't take it seriously off-camera, could you? I'll mail money (not a lot of money, mind you) to the first media ho who asks Dafoe in an interview if the movie was fun to work on. And I'll mail him money if he answers in the affirmative.

Having said that, there's a word for people who use up precious resources to work out their own emotional issues: egotistical asshole. Why do people watch Lars von Trier movies? Not one of them sounds remotely enjoyable or even informative to sit through. They just sound like an express train to Bummer Town. Like sitting in on some stranger's therapy. Pass. I'd rather read about the guy eating his kid's eyeballs.

Posted by: Slash at May 19, 2009 4:37 PM

Stacey - I get the logic. It's a I-need-to-share-the-pain kind of thing. I just wish I could resist the urge to click...

Posted by: tamatha at May 19, 2009 4:39 PM

To cleanse the [mind] palate:

http://cuteoverload.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/theseven.jpg?w=560&h=1328

And no, Skitz, I don't mean EATING them.

Posted by: figgy at May 19, 2009 5:03 PM

I hate people.
And I feel that that list of dark moments in popcorn fare is kinda half-assed. They consider the Outsiders popcorn fare? Also, does anyone else remember Mr. Miyagi getting drunk and crying about his pregnant wife who died in a Japanese-American concentration camp in Karate Kid? Why isn't that on the list?

Posted by: s. pisaster at May 19, 2009 5:14 PM

"Eh, you read one eyeball eatin' story, you've basically read them all."

I'm having this made into a bumper sticker.

Posted by: TK at May 19, 2009 5:14 PM

I never thought I'd find a moment when I would hesitate to use a Wicker Man bees joke, and yet here we are.

Posted by: branded at May 19, 2009 5:43 PM

At least Stacey warned you all about the link. I read BoingBoing daily, so I had no warning when I saw the article yesterday. That poor child... I can't even imagine the horror he's been through.

Posted by: Melissa at May 19, 2009 5:52 PM

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Lars von Trier has yet to offend me with a film. I doubt Antichrist will be any different. Genital mutilation? Yawn. That's so 1970s/80s cannibal film.

Posted by: Robert at May 19, 2009 5:56 PM

RE "I'm having this made into a bumper sticker."

And my work here is done.

Posted by: Slash at May 19, 2009 6:41 PM

Re: Cleveland

The river/fish thing is just killing me here. Jesus Christ.

Posted by: Benny at May 19, 2009 7:45 PM

Stacey, we get it, misery loves company. But for the love of all that is good. I will gladly join the mob that lynches that sick fuck. Drugs or no drugs. You just .... ugh!

I want to hug my kids now; big, squishy, long hugs. But my daughter is on a school trip and my son is sleeping. So I am hugless.

Thanks Figgy, I needed some cute.

Posted by: Eyvi at May 19, 2009 8:59 PM

Re: The Cleveland videos

It's funny 'cause it's true!

Posted by: Lainey at May 19, 2009 9:26 PM

I read that Boing Boing link, and I was more horrified by the boy's MOTHER. She heard it and LEFT ANYWAY!!!

She LEFT ANYWAY!!

From a related article:
"(I'm) just like 'Should I take him or leave him?'"
I don't...I can't even form the words it would take to answer that question.

...she LEFT ANYWAY!

Posted by: Pistachio at May 20, 2009 1:45 AM

Chef Boyardee was born here, you know.

Posted by: Lucas at May 20, 2009 1:58 AM

Loads of people saying Trust me, DO NOT click that link, never ever works.
The next love has to be a palate-cleansing buffet of sherbet and sparkly sunsine. GOD.

Posted by: AdaHaze at May 20, 2009 2:53 AM

The Bruins & the Devils thought they had it in the bag, too.

Posted by: celeb at May 20, 2009 3:15 AM

can we please bring some happy-funny back to pajiba love tomorrow?

Posted by: gem at May 20, 2009 10:41 AM

As a Cleveland native, I've seen those videos around and laughed my ass off. Not sure how I feel about non-Clevelanders viewing them (especially since they are liberally sprinkled with in-jokes). Cleveland gets a bad rap, but it's not Detroit!

Posted by: sillymonster at May 21, 2009 6:28 PM

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Are You Sure It's Too Late To Get Scrooge McDuck?

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