Why “douche” can be the perfect word in just about any given situation. (ChelseaTalksSmack)
An Arkansas prison is accused of starving its prisoners, who are whittling away to nothing! (Quizlaw)
Daaamn. I think this pretty much absolves Dustin for anything he’s ever said about Katherine Heigl. Or maybe “absolves” isn’t so much the word as “makes it look not nearly as bad.” (IDLYITW)
Check out the awesome work of paper-cut artist Peter Callesen. (ASWOBA)
Mr. Boston joins the cast of “I Love Money,” a.k.a. the television event of my whole motherfucking summer. (Dlisted)
Maybe this is close minded of me, but I refuse to believe anything healthy can come from a fast food restaurant. No, not even salad. (The Impulsive Buy)
Hey, tattooed Pajiba constituency! Guess who thinks you’re a lowlife sack of shit? (WIMB)
Christina Ricci: “weird and alien-ish” or “a total hottie?” Today, I think I’m going to go with total hottie. (Popoholic)
I don’t know if she wanted me to post this or not (if not, tough shit, haha!) but Bedhead pulled one out of her archives after yesterday’s tampon gross-out melee. (Agent Bedhead)
For some totally bizarre shit to kick off your weekend, check out “the best video about old timey dog rape on the internet,” (via BestWeekEver) after the jump.
Also, here's my fictional enactment of what would happen if I tried to turn my household into one like the Duggans:
TK: Honey, let's have a shit-ton of kids. Like, 18 of them. Then you can stay home all day and not work, and instead home school them. Also, we'll be fundamentalist Christians.
I do have some ink. But my tattoos are totally pussified as compared to the likes of some of you guys, with your sleeves and full back jawns and whatnot.
TK, don't forget to mention the lovely and flattering hairstyle Mrs. TK will get to enjoy! That'll totally convince her! I mean really, what woman doesn't want to sport a fright wig hybrid of Lady Godiva and a butch trucker mullet?
Seriously, after the 10th kid, could she even feel anything down there anymore? Nothing against the "miracle of life" but come one!
Posted by: Brie at May 9, 2008 4:13 PM
OR:
I wear mine on the outside.
Posted by: boo at May 9, 2008 4:16 PM
Oh my God. Can we please ignore the existence of the Duggars? For my sanity? I am trying my damnest to pretend that they live in Texas. Can everyone else do the same?
Whiny prisoner needs to enjoy the fact that he gets more than a bologna sandwich in the prison. The only reason he is lightheaded is because the most exercise he has had in the last 15 years is the movement of the food to face.
Posted by: Melody at May 9, 2008 4:20 PM
Even before I got the the Bruce McCullough link, the douche link had me singing, "These are the douches I know, I know, I know, I know, these are the douches I know..."
And speaking of douches, didn't Wonkeye say her boyfriend looked like one (in a roundabout way?)
Posted by: MC Peepants at May 9, 2008 4:23 PM
MC Peepants, I don't know just who the hell you think you are, but now I'm gonna be spending the rest of the goddamn afternoon singing the following:
I need candy
Bubblegum and taffy
Get in my way punk, you're gonna get your ass beat, nasty
Do it 'til your dad sees
Embarrass your whole family
Just because you came between a kid and his candy
I need candy
Any kind'll do
Don't care if it's nutritious or FDA approved
It's gonna make me spaz like bobcats on booze
A hyperactive juice that only I can produce
That fuels a giant drill
Bores straight into hell
Releasin' ancient demons from their sleep forever spell
So they can walk upon the earth and get resituated
And hawk the diet pills that the Pee Pants has created
Oh my Godtopus it's on a loop in my brain and it WILL. NOT. STOP. This is all your fault, you asshole.
Words cannot encapsulate the immense, seething hatred I have long felt for the Duggar family. I have found myself watching the TLC specials about them only for the opportunity to mock and belittle the family and their daily routine. I've realized that most of my hatred is directed at the mother, mainly for the fucked up shit that regularly comes out of her mouth, and the sickeningly-sweet baby voice she spouts her scripture quotes with. Do I have a legitimate reason for this hatred? Have the Duggars run over my favorite dog? Nope. And I don't care.
TK - maybe Mrs. TK and I can get over our fear of deep water if we're standing on the shoulders of 19 Duggars.
Posted by: Kolby at May 9, 2008 4:47 PM
It really pisses me off to see people with this many children. Pretty much all the worlds' problems can be attributed to overpopulation. Global warming? Check! Disease? Check! Water crisis? Check! Food shortage? Check! Energy Crisis? Check! Massive species extermination? Check! Poverty? Check! Uneducated fucking morons who over breed because they're religious idiots? Check! Check! Check!
God stopped at two. Why don't you?
Posted by: Agent Scully at May 9, 2008 4:51 PM
Thank you WIMB genies for pointing out the fact that the Duggars have received quite a bit of financial and other assistance from TLC (or is it Discovery Health?) and their charitable neighbors. Most of the arguments I hear from people about the Duggars and other MegaBreeders is "Who cares as long as they can support all of those kids? If they want to have a brood, let them."
Clearly the Duggars need some help because they are selling their family to cable television. Without their television show, Mrs. Duggars would be waiting for the WIC check before her trip to the Food Lion, and the kids would be sleeping on pallets in the living room of their trailer. And probably after a while, Child Protective Services would be knocking on the flimsy front door.
No matter how you slice it, the Duggars are kicking our asses, evolutionary speaking, of course. They are the living embodiment of "survival of the fittest". I bet, once married, the kids will return to the family compound with their spouses to continue extending the family line.
If I had a nickel for how many times I've made girls fall in live with me by posting a comment using the name of an obscure rapping cartoon spider...
I'm also glad I got a repetitive song stuck in someone else's head since I've had to live with the KITH "Daves I Know" chorus for the past hour...it's like the Godtopus's way of evening things out...and by "evening things out" I mean putting every thought I have or everything I read to the tune of the "Daves I Know" song as punishment
Posted by: MC Peepants at May 9, 2008 5:03 PM
And by live, I mean love
See, this is why I choose lurking over posting...stupid hot dog fingers...
Posted by: MC Peepants at May 9, 2008 5:05 PM
Your menstrual blood may not be normal if soap and water doesn't do the trick.
..Seriously, that shit's unnatural.
Posted by: serena at May 9, 2008 5:13 PM
Christina Ricci = hottie, every time. But I prefer old-school, curvaceous Christina to modern stick figure Christina, more the Thora Birch model. The Opposite of Sex, anyone? Pretty much pure sex, from what I saw. (And I looked really closely.)
Re the clown car: any more children than I can simultaneously throttle is too many.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 9, 2008 5:16 PM
See, this is why I choose lurking over posting...stupid hot dog fingers...
Lurking is for pussies! Everyone should de-lurk, because this here village is plenty big enough for all us idiots.
No room for the Duggars, though. If they show up, remember the drill: "Oh dear, I'm so sorry, we seem to have no vacancy at the moment. MOVE ALONG, and here are some complimentary contraceptives for the road!"
Regarding annoying brain worms: I suppose we can be thankful that at least it's only ATHF and KITH. They're way better than, say, Crimson & Clover or Horse With No Name. Those songs make the lambs start screaming.
Oh thanks, Sarina! I flashed on both those songs as soon as I read them.
Posted by: rlr260 at May 9, 2008 5:25 PM
Goddammit! Have none of you seen Idiocracy? While we smug and complace ourselves into proper family sizes, the trailer brigades will be fetally dominating us! We're going to lose evolution to Cletus!
I suggest, nay DEMAND, we immediately gather for the first Pajiborgy. It is for the good of mankind that we must populate the world with bitchy eight year olds in Misfits jackets and Homestarrunner lunchboxes discussing the eco-ramifications of Sesame Street, and how Dora the Explorer hasn't been the same since she went off the sauce.
It is our civic duty people. We gather, Dustin's front lawn, 8 PM E.S.T. Commence to jigglin'.
Unless, of course, you *like* Horse With No Name, Sarina. ;)
What's really bad is when you get a commercial jingle stuck in your head--now that's a living hell!
Posted by: ariadne at May 9, 2008 5:29 PM
Commence to jigglin'.
Well, now I'm just picturing the bastard offspring of some poor Pajiban and Happy Time Harry. That kid ain't gonna help evolution any, I can tell you that much. Especially since it will almost certainly have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
I have no hate for the Duggars left. All my venom is used up on FLDS child molesters, and weird Austrian psychopaths who lock their daughters in basements for procreation purposes, these people are just ignorant not dangerous. A small Disclaimer: While I have only two siblings, both of my parents have seven each. Family math:
Me
brother sister
two parents
32 Aunts and Uncles (counting remarriage)
64 first cousins biological
14 adopted cousins (my aunt is one awesome lady)
28 step cousins
= A Thanksgiving that mirrors a soup kitchen with the industrial pots of mashed potatoes.
While the dna footprint of my Irish Catholic Midwestern family is large, and we run the gamut to three strike felony losers to happy healthy people, I am proud of my ridiculously large family.
that being said, I believe that Mrs. Duggar has to stay away from trampolines or all her lady bits will fall out and hit the floor, probably with a half-formed fetus in there.
Posted by: Jennifer at May 9, 2008 5:36 PM
Sarina, can you and Serena from 2 posts up have a cage match to determine who is the Sarina-est (or Serena-est, to be fair)? Mud wrestling or a pillow fight is fine too...really anything where blouses are torn and bosoms are heaving is fine with me
Also, more on topic, aren't the Duggar's really why Godtopus gave us cork?
Posted by: MC Peepants at May 9, 2008 5:36 PM
Well, my name is actually Sarah, but back in the day there were already several Sarahs who commented here so I ended up going by Sarina, which is what this crazy dude I used to know called me because he said he already knew too many Sarahs. Anyway, the point is that I'm pretty sure serena is the mostest or whatever when it comes to our names.
However, I'm a bossy, obnoxious, pushy little bitch, so if you get me drunk enough I'm pretty sure I could be easily convinced to partake of a cage match for no reason whatsoever. I bet people would agree to fight me, too, because if you don't know me I seem all little and helpless. That's only because the evil is all on the inside. I'm tricky like that.
Say, Pajiba, are we going to get a review of The Fall any time soon? The only review I've seen so far was from EW, and I don't trust them, 'cause usually they are wrong.
Posted by: Jerce at May 9, 2008 6:24 PM
The Opposite of Sex, anyone?
Isn't it weird how that's "the old Ricci" whereas it was the "Holy shit, she's legal and puttin it out there!!" movie way back when? Whatever else you might think she certainly broke out of the kid actor ghetto.
Agent Bedhead pulled one out of her...archives. Am I the only one who saw the rich puntential here?
Swing away.
Posted by: AM at May 9, 2008 6:41 PM
I was going to say I'm filled with nougat instead of evil, but then I started thinking about being filled with nougat in place of blood and "accidentally" nicking myself shaving so that the good stuff comes out so I could get a tiny taste...only that's not enough and soon, "oops, there goes a finger, this damn axe is so unwieldy" and then I'm no-interest-financing a wood chipper and I think we all know how this ends...actually that sounds like a comment diversion, "what substance would you most like to be filled with?" or on second thought, bad idea...
Posted by: MC Peepants at May 9, 2008 7:01 PM
Paris can bite my tattoos.
Posted by: nancy at May 9, 2008 7:08 PM
what the fuck?!
man, i long for the days when rapes always lasted long enough for the good guy to turn up and save the day, those where easier times...
also, i dont have dogs so im not sure but isnt making them walk on their hind legs cruel?
people back in the day where bugaboo nuts
Posted by: nadine at May 9, 2008 8:03 PM
I thought we were not allowed to use "that name" on Pajiba. You now, she who must not be named. Wonky Valtrex. Be very careful because if you say her name too many times she will appear and give you chlamydia. True story.
One of my real fears about the Duggars' is that they will never meet anyone outside of the family and they will have to marry each other. The world will be filled with their freakish two-headed children.
Posted by: greer at May 9, 2008 8:12 PM
Jay, I'm checking out that champagne and absinthe recipe right now and sharing an absinthe with you via my screensaver pic, and I only hope you are as funny in person as you are on desktop. If we went out on a double date, I would want it to be with Christina Ricci and Thora Birch. Because those two totally need to get together, and we could watch them make out.
Ok, only a little while till the missus gets home. I've got like 3 "Rules of Engagement"s stacked up on the tivo. Trash TV time!
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 9, 2008 8:14 PM
Christina Ricci and Thora Birch. Because those two totally need to get together, and we could watch them make out.
So this is you returning the favor for my Aniston HLA remarks?
Socalled, I saw your "in my pants" comment about me earlier tonight and I must say that if I didn't already love you so much...I still wouldn't do anything. That made me laugh my ass off.
Posted by: Julie at May 9, 2008 10:44 PM
Girl with Pearl Earring ... I Mean Necklace ... in My Pants.
To Julie Whatever, Thanks for Everything, in My Pants.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 9, 2008 10:48 PM
Fuck Paris with barbed-wire baseball bat, my tattoo is the sexiest thing since sex. Also, thank you Dustin for throwing a Ryan Reynolds shirtless cover shot up on WIMB. Your muffin basket of thanks is in the mail.
Posted by: Jeremy at May 9, 2008 11:04 PM
Masses of undead flesh like Ma and Pa Duggar want to fulfill the old Biblical injunction to be fruitful and multiply. Of course, one has to wonder how many glasses of sacramental booze Pa Duggar had to guzzle before strapping the 2x4 to his ass and plunging into the vast gaping chasm of his wife's hoozis.
And as for Biblical injunctions, the one that says "go forth into the world, and subdue it" seems to have been accomplished beyond our wildest dreams.
Posted by: The Wanderer at May 10, 2008 12:31 PM
the old Biblical injunction to be fruitful and multiply.
quoth Bill Cosby: God was ANGRY when he told them to do this.
Every time I signed in __ Bigblackconnect.com __ and there were always many women would talk to me ... It is a funny and interesting place to talk to these thoughtful women.
Posted by: Demand at May 11, 2008 10:06 AM
oh, SpamBot - your timing, as always, is magical.
Posted by: Tammy at May 11, 2008 10:36 PM
"that being said, I believe that Mrs. Duggar has to stay away from trampolines or all her lady bits will fall out and hit the floor, probably with a half-formed fetus in there."
Wow, Jennifer - I had no idea I could throw-up so much this early in the day...
Posted by: Skitz at May 12, 2008 11:54 AM
She still rocks. I love her music. Just saw her on millionaire&celebdatingsite "W e a l t h y R o m a n c e. co m" last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she is looking for on that site/.
Posted by: amy at May 12, 2008 1:04 PM
No shit, Amy! Everyone's always getting down on her saying she's washed up and her music sucks now. Screw that! She's better than ever!
WealthyRomance.com, eh? I sure as hell hope she does better than that last douchebag she was shacking up with. Do you remember the interview on Ellen? LMAOROTFLMFAS!!!!!!
On a serious note, Amy, why haven't you returned any of my calls? I've left, like, 30 messages, but you never call back. My number's the same. My email's the same too. It seems the only time I get to "see" you is when you're on Pajiba... I miss you, baby. I miss your laugh, your smile, your touch. I know that I screwed up when I slept with your sister, but I thought we were taking a break from each other until my meds took effect. I can still smell you on my pillow. I see your tampons on the bathroom counter and tears fill my eyes. The thing between me and your step brother was a drunken... God, I dunno. It was loneliness mixed with booze, I guess. It meant nothing... I miss you Amy... Call me, huh?
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 12, 2008 1:25 PM
Do mine eyes deceive me, or is Skits carrying on an unrequited love affair with Spambot #147?
...and her whole spambot family?
I feel as though I should be more surprised by this than I actually am.
You should be careful, Skitt...you know that spambot gets around. I hope you had plenty of protection.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 12, 2008 2:01 PM
Whatever, SoD & Sarina... Spamella and me are destined to be together, regardless what the haters say! She's the Spock to my Kirk, the peas to my carrots, the burn salve to my gaping wound, the uh... the kraut to my bratwurst, um... You get the picture... We are together forever... We... Belong. (cue music & mood lights - fog machine is optional, but suggested)
We Belong to the light
We Belong to the thunder
We Belong to the sound of the words
We've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace
For worse or for better
We Belong, We Belong
We Belong together
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 12, 2008 2:21 PM
If you did that from memory you deserve some applause.
Damn straight Sarina. If you can't bust out a goddamed Benatar verse, you might as well move back to friggin' Russia, ya Pinko!
Posted by: Skittimmus Maximus at May 12, 2008 2:39 PM
Eeep!
[Starts memorizing Pat Benatar lyrics]
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 12, 2008 2:46 PM
18 fucking kids and I'm supposed to be impressed. That crazy bitch had her legs in the air more than Baryshnikov.
Posted by: Pookie at May 12, 2008 2:59 PM
I'm fairly heavily tattooed and rarely consider myself a piece of shit. Sure, I drink my weight in Miller High Life more than what is normally considered healthy but at least I am not a semi-literate, obnoxious socialite whore. Fuck you Paris Hilton, fuck you in your little rat-faced ass.
Posted by: SR at May 12, 2008 3:23 PM
Well, I am a complete piece of shit, and the tattoos I have are pretty small and usually not visible. Moreover, I didn't get my first tattoo until a few years ago, but I've been a complete piece of shit since I learned to talk.
I love Pat Benetar! And now I want Bratwurst with Sauerkraut. Dammit.
I only have one tattoo. Thankfully it's in a spot that shouldn't stretch too much, unless I decide to gain 200 lbs. There's nothing worse than a 70-year old woman with a saggy blue stain on her left boob that used to be a pair of Elvis's blue suede shoes.
Re: Fuckhead's tattoo comment... I'd respond, but instead I think I'll pour myself a Scotch and wait to see what Boo and Alex have to say.
And.. hey, Stace, don't you have some ink yourself?