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Prequels Are Totally the New Sequels

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | May 7, 2009 | Comments (54)

With the impending release of Star Trek, here’s a six-pack of belated prequels. What, no Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd? (PW)

Since I’ve gathered many of you are not fans of Mother’s Day, you might enjoy these sick and twisted Mother’s Day video greetings. (Screen Junkies)

The Governator says that he’s “open to debate” on the subject of legalizing marijuana. Yeah. We bet he is. (Webster’s)

The big casting news today is that Jerry O’Connell is going to star in the upcoming B-movie remake of Piranha 3-D. On the plus side, he still got Rebecca Romjin knocked up. (Rope Of Silicon)

Who else was traumatized by those damn Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books as a kid? The teacher read a story from it to my fifth grade class at Halloween and I literally had to go wait out in the hallway. (Slowly Going Bald)

We’re going to have to wait a little longer to see the Green Lantern movie, because now it’s been pushed back to 2011. (Film School Rejects)

Did you know that zombies actually exist in the animal kingdom? And that’s why you never can trust animals. (mental floss)

Is anyone actually following this “Jon and Kate Plus Eight” scandal? I’ve been doing my best to avoid it, but there’s just nothing else going on today. (Yeeeah!)

And on that note, some weirdo is going around e-mailing all the gossip bloggers (yes, I got one too) on a campaign to get Lady Gaga to play at his 19th birthday party. (Agent Bedhead)

Oprah caused a chicken stampede by helping promote KFC’s new grilled chicken menu by giving away free chicken. (Deus Ex Malcontent)

Here’s a great list of surprisingly good portrayals of iconic figures. (Spout)

Hey guys, that new women’s blog I’ve started linking to, ZeldaLily, is hiring. Just putting it out there if anyone is interested in getting into the exciting field of blogging. (Evil Beet)

This had made it clear across the internet by now, but if you haven’t seen it yet here is Zach Galifianakis making Natalie Portman uncomfortable on “Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis”:

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

Prequels are an abomination to storytelling.

Posted by: twig at May 7, 2009 1:09 PM

I'm frightened by those zombie critters.

Posted by: Cindy at May 7, 2009 1:11 PM

Ugh, those Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark were horrifying hanging out in the dark in someone's fort. Those pictures were just terrible.

*shudder*

Posted by: Kayanne at May 7, 2009 1:11 PM

So, the Between Two Ferns thing is pretty much the Chris Farley sketch from back in the day, right?

Right?

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at May 7, 2009 1:18 PM

Is anyone actually following this “Jon and Kate Plus Eight” scandal?

You mean "ESCANDALO!"

Of course I am.

Oprah caused a chicken stampede
at every public library in the country. And you had to print out the coupons with the "KFC Coupon Printer" program. Couldn't just, you know, open the coupon in a pdf or something, there's this add-on that's gotta be installed, and public computers are set up to block random people from installing shit on them, naturally.

Yeah, that went well. They got some printed off the staff terminal but it blocked IP's from printing more than four, so they just made a bunch of photocopies off of those apparently. Plus someone printed the page telling you to "Print Your Coupon Now" (not the actual coupon, just the page with the link) 15 times and then said "this isn't the coupon! (Noticed that, huh?) I want my money back!"

I'm told she didn't get her money back.

I shit a brick this morning when I saw the coupons were valid until the 19th, but then saw that they were only printable yesterday. Now it's just the KFC grunts' problem. If the promotion works I'm sure they'll be delighted to hear "the company made a bunch of money!" That always made me feel good in shitpay retail.

Posted by: Jay at May 7, 2009 1:23 PM

I think I shouldn't have looked at the zombie animals link whilst eating my lunch. Hork.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at May 7, 2009 1:25 PM

CHICKEN STAMPEDE!!!

DAMN YOOOOOUUUU OOOOOPRAHHHHH!!!!

Posted by: TK at May 7, 2009 1:33 PM

I heart Justin Long.

Posted by: wsapnin at May 7, 2009 1:35 PM

As I started reading about the zombie animals, my music on shuffle jumped to the "Futile Escape" track from the Aliens soundtrack. Now I'm even more freaked out.

Posted by: branded at May 7, 2009 1:41 PM

For the sake of humanity, can we just pretend that Dumb and Dumberer never, ever, ever happened? Ever? Please?

And for the record? I totally remember reading all of one story in Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark when I was young and having to stop. I think the one thing that scared me that badly as a kid was Bloody Mary. I thought she was real, and as such, I refused to go anywhere near a mirror by myself for almost a year. Oooo, new mini-div! What scared you as a child?

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at May 7, 2009 1:44 PM

What scared you as a child?

Fucking puppets. And their puppeteers. I don't know which is more creepy, but they both scared the crap out of me.

Posted by: Cindy at May 7, 2009 1:51 PM

I remember those Scary Stories books. I think I have one somewhere. The illustrations are the scariest fucking things I have ever seen in my life. I remember one particular story about a woman who woke up with a big sore that turned out to be filled with spider eggs, and the spiders hatched, and *thud*

I'm sorry, I passed out from fucking TERROR. Seriously, not the best story to tell a ten-year-old arachnephobe, ya know?

Posted by: Melissa at May 7, 2009 1:53 PM

What scared me as a child? Same things that scare me today:

1) clowns (motherfucking clowns)
2) marionettes and ventriloquists
3) Each and every one of the monsters from "Willow". The wolf things that kill the woman at the beginning traumatized me for YEARS and I still can't watch that movie without getting freaked out.

Godtopus. I'm such a wuss.

Posted by: figgy at May 7, 2009 2:00 PM

So, the Between Two Ferns thing is pretty much the Chris Farley sketch from back in the day, right?

You mean, The Chris Farley Show? Why yes, yes it is.

Hey Jake. Do you... Do you remember that time when Chris Farley was, um, you know sitting in the chair with Jeff Davids- gah I mean, Jeff Daniels? God, I'm so stupid! But um, anyway, he was asking him about his movies and stuff. Do you, do you remember that?

'Cause that was awesome.

Posted by: Kayanne at May 7, 2009 2:06 PM

Things that scared me as a child?
1) Water I couldn't see the bottom of.
2) Long dark hallways
3) La Llorona/El Mano Negro- My grandmother would scare the ever-loving Jebus out of all of her grandkids with those stories. Right as we were going to bed. Awesome, yet evil.

These days I've moved on to more mature fears:
1)zombies
2)sharks
3)zombie-sharks- They're terrifying, let me tell you.

Posted by: Cinnabarri Girl at May 7, 2009 2:09 PM

Prequels can be well done (Metal Gear Solid 3 being the best example), but often, they're just an attempt to cash in. (Hannibal Rising, Exorcist: The Beginning, Attack of the Clones, and Dumb and Dummerer being the absolute worst offenders)

Anyone know the odds on weather or not California'll legalize it?

Posted by: George at May 7, 2009 2:17 PM

@Kayanne

Yeah. I do remember that.

Kayanne' response:

That was AWESOME.


@Kayanne

Thanks.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at May 7, 2009 2:18 PM

What scared you as a child?

I was traumatized by the Abominable Snowman on The Matterhorn at Disneyland. To this day, I have to close my eyes when I go on that ride and I pass it/him.

Posted by: Jeni at May 7, 2009 2:18 PM

Every single one of those damn zombie animals freaked me out a little more. The zombie fish tongue however...that's what's going to wake me up at night, wondering if my tongue just moved-by itself.

Anyone else see the stripper clowns on Reaper? Stripper clowns are actually twice as creepy.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at May 7, 2009 2:27 PM

What scarred you as a child?

That fucking barber from Courage The Cowardly Dog. I had night terrors for months after I saw that episode. God that show was fucked up.

Posted by: George at May 7, 2009 2:34 PM

Did I start that shit with the Mother's Day hate? Why yes, yes I did. I'm so proud. What scared me as a kid? Witches and anything to do with death, including graveyards and yes, zombies. I also hate anything that jumps out at me or otherwise startles my shit; thus, the horror movie avoidance. I damn near stabbed my ex when he snuck up behind me in the kitchen one day. Not cool.

Posted by: slower lower at May 7, 2009 2:41 PM

What scared me as a child? EVERYTHING. Was Poltergeist the movie where the worm gets swallowed and then erupts from the dude's mouth? That made me afraid to drink anything that I couldn't see through.

I saw this photo gallery last night and that scared me a bit.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at May 7, 2009 2:43 PM

George

I. Loved. That. Barber. I've never looked at hair the same way again. He's the first thing I though of when that Johnny Depp movie came out.

Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at May 7, 2009 2:45 PM

I wonder if Dustin was traumatized by the Abdominal Snowman. That would explain a lot.

Posted by: spazmodeas at May 7, 2009 2:55 PM

What scared me as a child?

Those Greyhounds on Sesame Street that they put suits on...scared the living pajiba out of me!

Posted by: Angelmonster at May 7, 2009 2:55 PM

Prequels can be well done

The existence of the rare outlier doesn't change the fact that prequels are Hitler.

Posted by: twig at May 7, 2009 2:56 PM

Does anyone remember that awful "Critters" movie? With the horrible fur balls that shot poisoned darts and ate people?

THAT was the freakiest thing I ever saw as a child. Even now, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and see my hairy stuffed gorilla on the window seat and have a freak-out moment where I regress to my childhood and think it's one of those critters.

And Furbies look JUST like them. Fucking Furbies.

Posted by: figgy at May 7, 2009 2:56 PM

What scared me as a child? Vampires. For several years I slept with a pillow over my neck, as though that would help. I was fucked up kid.

Posted by: the_wakeful at May 7, 2009 3:23 PM

Pinky McLadybits: Holy shit, that was fucking freaky. The worst part is that he said that he didn't photoshop any of it. As in he literally scared the shit out of children with freaky fucking demons. What the fuck dude?

Oh, and twig just made me chuckle. HARD.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at May 7, 2009 3:56 PM

I was also scared of vampires and slept with something over my neck! I used stuffed animals, though, that could lay flat enough against my neck. I totally figured if a vampire came by, he'd see my neck was covered and figure, eh, too much work to lift something up, and move along to the next victim.

Posted by: lucyr at May 7, 2009 4:06 PM

Pinky McLadybits:

I'm pretty sure I'll never shake that image of the giant spider on the kid's belly out of my brain. So next time I have night terrors, I'll think of you.

GAH. (That said, I'm totally going to show my photographer hubs - he'll love that gallery.)

Posted by: Tammy at May 7, 2009 4:06 PM

that awful "Critters" movie?

Fuck OFF with your "awful".

Posted by: Jay at May 7, 2009 4:08 PM

Those Scary Stories books were the bane of my childhood. I got goaded into reading them in the 4th grade, and I couldn't sleep for weeks.

There was one that freaked me out so bad; it involved a scarecrow that a couple of ranchers abused every time they had a bad day. It started moving and making noises, but they kept abusing it. Finally it ended up skinning one of the guys and pinning his skin up on the roof. Seriously not appropriate for 4th grade me!

Posted by: Tori at May 7, 2009 4:11 PM

hahahaha, Jay. I really haven't watched it since I was like 12, for the previously mentioned reason. I don't think I ever COULD watch it again. Too many horrible memories.

Posted by: figgy at May 7, 2009 4:36 PM

I was scared of some really weird stuff as a kid.

For instance, I always got really frightened during the part in The Wizard of Oz when the dead Wicked Witch of the East's feet would curl up and slide under the house. It was just so weird looking! I still can't watch that scene without getting squicked out.

And the weirdest: remember the Weird Al video for "Fat" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqz1ojIQTBk)? Um, yeah, my five year old self would run from the room screaming when Weird Al started ballooning up. That scene fucked my shit up, and I have absolutely no idea why.

So yeah, those were the things I was afraid of when I was a kid. Maybe I need therapy.

Posted by: tbean at May 7, 2009 4:49 PM

I had a similar childhood to Mr. Carlson; advanced reader, hyperactive imagination, generally a spaz, etc. I also made the mistake of plucking through the first chapter of IT at the grocery store while in line with my mom. Ah...Georgie meets Pennywise...that whole bit scared the shit out of me...that black, formless terror you only feel as a kid when something awful you never even knew existed is revealed to you. Whoowee...good times.

Posted by: stryker1121 at May 7, 2009 5:06 PM

Wow, I haven't thought about Scary Stories to Tell In The Dark in YEARS! I remember reading them, although they totally scared the bejeezus out of me. The illustrations were probably the wickedest part. I even had that exact book cover.
(On another note, I remember being young and finding a thick paperback in the basement. It had a busty woman being carried by a man with fire in the background. I was always intrigued, but figured it was dirty and not something my Mom would want me to read. Finally, I got the courage to ask her if it would be okay. Turns out it was Gone With The Wind-ha.)

Posted by: gem at May 7, 2009 5:33 PM

oh, and the thing i found to be the scariest as a child? the thriller video-when his eyes get red at the end...still gives me the oogies.

Posted by: gem at May 7, 2009 5:45 PM

B-movie remake of Piranha 3-D
Redundant much? How could it not be a B-Movie? It's Piranha...in 3-D.

Posted by: Robert at May 7, 2009 6:31 PM

stacey, i *heart* you! i wanted zombies, and you gave me zombies, or zombugies as i like to now call them. you've given my a powerful shot-in-ze-arms, you should know.
me likey!

Posted by: gp at May 7, 2009 6:55 PM

I was not overreacting, the barber looked like THIS!

Posted by: George at May 7, 2009 6:55 PM

Sorry, here's the actual link.

Posted by: George at May 7, 2009 6:58 PM

My oldest sister was also terrified of vampires. So what would she do? She's sleep with my middle sister in her bed, pull the covers down to expose mid sister's neck, then sleep with the covers over her own head. Apparently, the vampire would go after the exposed neck first, giving her a chance to escape.

Ahh, sisters.

Posted by: Kate at May 7, 2009 8:08 PM

Scary Stories and the sequel were my favorite books growing up. I wasn't introduced to Stephen King until 13 or so, but by 10 years old I was steeped in glorious horrorness.
Anyway, I used to take a flying leap into my bed from about 7 feet away to prevent whatever was under my bed from grabbing my ankles. Drives my wife crazy now.

Posted by: Kballs at May 7, 2009 10:10 PM

Kate, that is hilarious and ingenious. Love it.

Posted by: figgy at May 7, 2009 11:26 PM

Moths.
Fucking MOTHS.
They are the most terrifying things ever. I was scared of them as a child, and the phobia has done nothing but get horribly worse over time.

Posted by: popejenn at May 8, 2009 4:10 AM

They had these alien puppet things on Sesame Street for a little while that scared the bejeezus out of me for some reason.

I saw Salem's Lot at much too tender an age and could not go near a window at night for the next several years.

And my mother. Real-life horror.

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at May 8, 2009 5:14 AM

Sweet Baby Jesus Salems Lot scared the crap out of me when I was a youngster. I still have nightmares of that Danny kid floating outside James at 15's window.

Posted by: ed newman at May 8, 2009 10:14 AM

One more thing that freaked me the fuck out as a kid:

The heart-removal scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. It freaked me out SO MUCH that my brothers would take turns torturing me by coming at me with claw hands and going "KALIMAAAA" and then I'd kick their asses. And by that I mean destroy their lego creations.

Posted by: figgy at May 8, 2009 10:23 AM

The "Scary Stories" story I hated the most was that one with the shadows on the ceiling (?) I don't remember many details beyond that because it was so fucking scary I have literally BLOCKED IT FROM MY MIND.

Posted by: teacupnosaucer at May 8, 2009 12:22 PM

Those Scary Stories books scared the FUCKING FUCK out of me, and ten years later they STILL scare the fucking fuck out of me. The picture I remember most was the guy who looked like a donkey or something of that sort. And fuck, that picture of the woman is SO FUCKING SCARY.

I got made fun of for being scared, but shit, those pictures just were so... graphic and real.

Apologies for the excessive use of the F-word.

Posted by: Jessica at May 8, 2009 12:45 PM

I was really into scary stories and that stuff when I was in late elementary school/early junior high, but the Scary Stories books really did freak me out.

My worst story was the one about the family who got that little dog from Mexico and then found out it was like a rabid, flea-infested rat or some shit like that?

Now I guess I won't be sleeping tonight. Shudder.

Posted by: Clifford at May 9, 2009 3:23 AM

Those Scary Story books freaked my shit out as a child. I'm still a little uneasy in my completely dark house at night just because of those books.

What scared me as a child? Clowns. Scared the fuck out of me. I had a creepy clown picture over my bed for some time that I was convinced was going to come alive and kill me.

It's ironic because in college I joined a circus. And we had clowns from time to time. In fact, one of my good friends there was a professional clown. I remember talking to him about his recent divorce....while he was in makeup before we had a show. Very strange experience. But he was a lovely man. I still miss seeing him.

Posted by: stardust savant at May 9, 2009 6:29 PM

..

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 11, 2009 8:14 AM