free counter with statistics Pajiba Love 04/28/09 | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

aniston_bateman.jpg
Spoiler Alert! This Happens In The Baster

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | April 28, 2009 | Comments (34)

Gross. Here are photos of Jason Bateman kissing Jennifer Aniston in The Baster. I’m so terribly embarrassed by his involvement in this movie. (Celebitchy)

The red carpet premiere of X-Men Origins: Wolverine was last night. Hugh Jackman sashayed in on a motorcycle and Ryan Reynolds looked embarrassed to be there. (Webster’s)

The film posters for The Hangover have been released. And if you’re wondering how many times they can re-do the 40 Year-Old Virgin posters, the answer is “an infinite amount of times.” (WeAreMovieGeeks)

Aww. Patton Oswalt writes about the birth of his first daughter, and also going to see Crank 2: High Voltage. Both were very important moments in his life. (myspace)

Are you in a small band about to get your big break opening for a bigger, more important band? Well, Eugene Mirman has some tips for you. (AV Club)

Even though I rarely do film reviews around here, I think I would literally quit Pajiba if Dustin asked me to review this movie, based on nothing but the poster. (FilmDrunk)

I missed this yesterday, but here are Bea Arthur’s top five contributions to pop culture. She was one amazing lady. (Jezebel)

The newest craze on college campuses is a humans vs. zombies tag-style game, which basically looks like the most fun thing ever. We should totally play this at PajiBacon East. Who’s with me? Thanks, Mr. Creosote! (Boston.com)

Paul Scheer takes you through the creepiest items found at the auction of Michael Jackson’s personal things. Nothing wrong here. (flickr)

You guys are going to hate — hate — me for linking this. In fact, no, I’m not even going to tell you what it is. Click at your own risk. (Yeeeah!)

Here are five assholes we hate to love. I don’t love House. There, I said it. (FilmSchoolRejects)

Best headline ever: “Townspeople Thwart Cricket Invasion by Blasting Led Zeppelin.” What, no one had a Creed CD on hand? Thanks, Tamatha! (Discovery)

Here’s a whole website devoted to drunken texts. Not that any of you would know anything about that. Thanks, Melody! (TextsFromLastNight)

Here’s a Japanese commercial for a tea that lowers high blood pressure. There’s almost probably no way they could make this weird, right?

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


← Johnny Cash At Folsom Prison | American Idol Can Suck My Nuts →



Comments

Fighting pests with music? That's so Mars Attacks!

Posted by: Sofía's Identical Hand Twin at April 28, 2009 1:11 PM

My estimation for Jason Bateman just plummeted into negative numbers.

Zero cred as fer as I'm concerned.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 28, 2009 1:11 PM

Boo actually linked to Druken Texts first. I just sent it to you so that others could waste their work day reading the drunken exploits of really not so bright people. Boo deserves the credit too.

Thanks Boo!

Posted by: Melody at April 28, 2009 1:11 PM

Ummm...Okay, saw all the various weird little things at the Michael Jackson Auction. Thanks for ruining my dreams for the next couple nights, Stacey!

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at April 28, 2009 1:14 PM

From the drunk texting site: "My mom foundout about my dui and just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. What should i do?"

Jesus. It's like someone recorded my phone calls when I was in high school.

Posted by: TK at April 28, 2009 1:18 PM

TK, some of them took me back to a few days that I have mercifully forgotten. I'm so glad text messaging and facebook were not around during my drunken college days to document my exploits.

Posted by: Melody at April 28, 2009 1:21 PM

I’m so terribly embarrassed by his involvement in this movie.

My estimation for Jason Bateman just plummeted into negative numbers.

More or less so than Nathan Fillion making a shitty TV drama? More or less so than Jason Statham making a string of shitty action pictures? More or less so than Jason Lee making Alvin and the Chipmunks? Who hasn't sold out? I'm sure there are examples, but we'll never know if that was by choice for most of them.

It's not like Jason Bateman has a sofa fort made of stacks of cash and gold-thread sheets. He tried the high-brow, intellectual approach and got what such people usually get: an atomic snuggie from the mouth-breathers who watched "According to Jim" instead of AD.

I'd cash that motherfucker in so fast people's heads would be spinning. Artistic cred don't feed the Mercedes payment.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 28, 2009 1:23 PM

Texts From Last Night is the best find ever. Thanks!!!

Posted by: Sofía's Identical Hand Twin at April 28, 2009 1:24 PM

I click on Webster's in anticipation of some hot, gay RyRen/Jackman love and I get Heidi and Spencer?! That's not right Stacey, why you got to be that way?

Posted by: admin at April 28, 2009 1:25 PM

Omigod! So, so, so, sorry. Fixed.

Posted by: Stacey at April 28, 2009 1:32 PM

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 28, 2009 1:23 PM


You have no idea how much I despise Rachel Aniston my friend, no idea.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 28, 2009 1:37 PM

socalled, I'm a little afraid to ask, partly because it may be a really stupid question and partly because I'm scared I won't want to know the answer, but...what on earth is an atomic snuggie?

Posted by: meaux at April 28, 2009 1:38 PM

You have no idea how much I despise Rachel Aniston my friend, no idea.

Well, I don't care for her either, though I don't get the rage people feel toward her. She's less objectionable (and far more pathetic) than many of her ilk. Jason Bateman has given me a decent amount of cool entertainment moments over the years; I'm not going to begrudge him a summer home when assclowns like Matthew McCaughnashizzle make the same retarded movie over and over and are rewarded, inexplicably, with fucking Captain America.

That's right. Google it. Maybe Kate Hudson can play Betsy Ross/Golden Girl. And then I'll poke my own eyes out.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 28, 2009 1:41 PM

I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.

this made me think of Genny/Rusty. Ha! That site is awesomely funny. It kind of made me want a dinosaur themed tramp stamp, too.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at April 28, 2009 1:41 PM

what on earth is an atomic snuggie?

Urban dictionary, baby. Remember the bifurcated vulva discussion? Before those bastards with the sofa woobie misappropriated the term, it had its own special place in the adolescent lexicon.

Also, I'm relieved to see that Shirtless McBongoTaint is apparently out of the Steve Rogers sweepstakes, but the fact that he was ever "in talks" for that role makes me want to fucking strangle someone.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 28, 2009 1:46 PM

That's right. I split that infinitive with the F-word bitches.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 28, 2009 1:47 PM

TextsFromLastNight is now my new favorite site. I swear, I almost peed. Hours of fun, thank you for helping me waste time at work!!! What I find funny is the fact that you can make out what they're trying to say...when I drunk text I generally send blank messages or gibberish.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at April 28, 2009 1:57 PM

Patton Oswalt's post was miraculous. So great.

Posted by: Kayanne at April 28, 2009 2:08 PM

TextsFromLastNight just blew my mind grapes. I had to take a break halfway through reading it to gather myself.
Melody, I second that. I just missed the added embarrassment of drunk texting during my heavy drinking days.
Someone help me out here. What does "I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe" mean? Strangest line ever.

Posted by: Kballs at April 28, 2009 2:13 PM

That's right. I split that infinitive with the F-word bitches.

I love that my Pavlovian response to reading sweet Boyton anger is to crave a gin martini. Granted, that's also the same response when I hear the sound of a new work email in my inbox.

Posted by: branded at April 28, 2009 2:13 PM

I love that my Pavlovian response to reading sweet Boyton anger is to crave a gin martini.

It's not that weird, actually, especially when you consider that Pavlov was originally testing marketing techniques for a new line of Doggie-Hooch. From this, we gained both a new conditioning technique and Coors Light (Original Tagline: "Even an animal that licks its own ass wouldn't drink this shit!")

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at April 28, 2009 2:26 PM

Urban dictionary, baby.

Oh, an atomic snuggie is a wedgie! I'm almost disappointed, but mostly relieved.

By the way, I was a little surprised to find the Urban Dictionary page was trying to sell me "Mo' Urban Dictionary." Apparently, they know exactly how un-hip I am with all the groovy new words...dang kids these days...*mutter mutter*...you'd think they could at least spell my handle right!

Posted by: meaux at April 28, 2009 2:49 PM

Oh my God, I almost want to go back to college just so I can play Zombie vs. Human. Hell, I might just start playing it by myself. I could run through the streets of Ann Arbor hitting pedestrians with Nerf pellets and screaming, "You're stunned, zombie! No moving for ten minutes!" And thanks to the healthy population of mentally-ill/homeless we have here, I wouldn't even stand out.

I also don't love House. The guy went from eccentric and cranky to full out sociopath, and NO ONE who acts like he does would still have a job.

I'm no Spears fan, but considering that I spend my period curled up in the fetal position on the floor while I stuff Vicodin into my mouth and pray for the sweet release of death, I give her props for even getting on stage.

Posted by: DeadBessie at April 28, 2009 2:49 PM

socalled, I am begging you. Please write a book about anything at all very soon. Thank you.

Posted by: Kolby at April 28, 2009 3:01 PM

I can't wait for the Wolverine reviews. That shit is going to be a crap bomb of epic proportions.

And holy shit, you couldn't get a more annoying pair of actors than Williams and Travolting (as in revolting, duh). Who'll be the lucky reviewer? They should give it to TK. It'll be fun to watch him explode in rage.

Jeebus, Stacey. Just hovering my mouse over the Yeaah link grossed me the hell out. *shudder*

Posted by: figgy at April 28, 2009 3:05 PM

Please write a book about anything at all very soon. Thank you.

It's going to be called Trepanning and Skullfucking Hollywood Stars for Dummies.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 28, 2009 3:14 PM

I always seem to get Todd Haynes and Todd Phillips confused. I had to do a double take when I saw the posters for The Hangover, going "Wait, did Todd Phillips direct that Bob Dylan movie, I'm Not There?" Then again, it would be amusing to see the deleted scene from Far From Heaven when Julianne Moore's character, distraught because her husband is a homosexual, decides to do what all of her 1950's friends do to ease tension. KY Jelly wrestling match.
And I'd totally go for some Zombie tag at Pajibacon, maybe we can form a zombie posse and join forces with TV on The Radio and eat that pipsqueak Asher Roth's brains. I would immensely enjoy that.
I think Ryan Reynolds looks embarrassed because Dustin invaded the premises, wearing his "Ryan Reynolds DO ME!" T-shirt, complete with a handmade Ryan Reynolds doll and a copy of every one of his movies. Or at the sight of Hugh Jackman already having a midlife crisis, realizing that his own source of enjoyment will be through his motorcycle.

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at April 28, 2009 3:21 PM

Texts from Last Night is now in my favorite place category. Thanks for giving me another time waster.

Posted by: Brie at April 28, 2009 3:49 PM

Just hovering my mouse over the Yeaah link grossed me the hell out. *shudder*

Posted by: figgy at April 28, 2009 3:05 PM

Me too. I might have nightmares.

Posted by: Jeni at April 28, 2009 3:57 PM

The man from the Japanese commercial, the one with the goofy teeth, was in Kill Bill. He was also in a very weird and wonderful film called Survive Style 5+.

I just wanted to share that with everyone, you may now marvel at my knowledge.....or not. It's up to you really.

Posted by: M at April 28, 2009 4:35 PM

What, no one had a Creed CD on hand?

There is no need to be cruel to the poor animals.

Posted by: FabMaxMax at April 28, 2009 5:17 PM

I think

shaved balls + baby powder = awesome!

is my new motto.

Posted by: Drake at April 28, 2009 5:23 PM

my FACE hurts and i think i am addicted to the drunken texts site.

Posted by: gp at April 28, 2009 11:41 PM

Best headline ever: “Townspeople Thwart Cricket Invasion by Blasting Led Zeppelin.” What, no one had a Creed CD on hand?

That's because the pure awesomeness of Zeppelin will drive out the crickets. Creed's shitty shitty crappiness would only encourage more crickets. Duh.

I'm going to go listen to Achilles Last Stand now.

Posted by: henchman for hire at April 29, 2009 9:46 AM