Amy Winehouse gets this much closer to her inevitable stint in prison. (The Blemish)
If wanting to get drunkenly mauled by Will Arnett is wrong I don’t ever wanna be right. (WIMB)
It’s about time Scranton, PA puts itself on the map for something besides being the purposely dull setting for “The Office.” Way to lower the old standards, Scranton! (QuizLaw)
Ricky Gervais, Rob Lowe and Tina Fey on the set of their upcoming film. Have I died and gone to squee?! (This Side of the Truth)
As far as I’m concerned, there is no discernible difference between the “peach” and “vomit” flavored candy beans. (Serious Eats)
Mini-diversion: what do you think Columbo is yelling? My guess would be either that he needs his Depends changed or that the British are coming. (Celebslam)
Jada Pinkett Smith auditions for a spot on Mingers. (Yeeeah!)
Rumer Willis, Pete Wentz and Wilmer Valderamma shill for Wal-Mart, because we didn’t already have enough reason to hate all their stupid guts. (Celebitchy)
Facebook has come out with a revolutionary, never before seen chat feature! So this is what the future is like. (CollegeHumor)
Ashlee Simpson’s line of T-shirts from Wet Seal gets a much deserved redesign. (GalleryoftheAbsurd)
Kids today are just as big of assholes as they’ve always been. My senior year of high school, the popular girls called themselves the “13 Exclusives.” And that was, um, 10ish years ago. (Jezebel)
After the jump, James Franco learns you the art of green screen acting.
Ugh. I know a girl who also thinks "squee" has overstayed its vocabular welcome, and has chosen to replace it with "piddle." Since she's extremely excitable (like a chihuahua that ate an epi-pen) she says it A LOT. It is not awesome.
Request: If anybody ever sees a dumb bitch wearing pink Happy Bunny glasses and pretending to wet her pants every ten minutes, please punch her in the face. I keep doing it, but she's a slow learner so it's gonna require group effort. Thanks in advance for your cooperation.
Gervais, Fey and Lowe...huh, pull the other one. I'll believe it when I see it. Whenever I get excited about a combination of awesomes, it always blows up in my face. Like Clive Owen + Monica Belluci + Guns WAS NOT awesome. Oh and I'm waiting to see the level of suckitude "Wanted" will bring. McAvoy + Jolie + Common should be = so-much-hotness-it-blots-out-the-sun. I just don't believe in good news. Life isn't that kind. The continued existence of Pete Wentz proves my point.
Posted by: Joker at April 24, 2008 4:16 PM
Piddle?! Are you kidding me? Why would anyone want to broadcast to the world that they will pee their pants?
Posted by: io at April 24, 2008 4:22 PM
The pretend gliding looks like fun. I now have a new use for my kitty carrier!
Posted by: brenia at April 24, 2008 4:23 PM
Fuck that. I still love "squee." Squee away, Stacey.
Black pepper jelly beans are the devil.
Posted by: Kolby at April 24, 2008 4:26 PM
Sure thing, Sarina. I like to punch people. It's my 2nd favourite hobby right after punching dumb bitches who wear happy bunny glasses and pee on themselves and use the word "piddle".
Posted by: Joker at April 24, 2008 4:27 PM
I maintain that James Franco and Hayden Christensen were part of some government-sponsored "Twins"-like eugenics experiment, and all the personality and humor went to Franco.
Like Clive Owen + Monica Belluci + Guns WAS NOT awesome.
Sorry, what was that? My brain seemed to blank out for a moment while reading that sentence. It looks liked you said it wasn't aweso....dammit, it happened again!
I've never been a huge fan of anything Peach flavoured (especially Jelly Beans. They get stuck up in your teeth cleavage), though I do have a fag-hag like love for Princess Peach. ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE PEACH'S EXPLODING VAGINA!
Posted by: Jeremy at April 24, 2008 4:34 PM
I love James Franco...and his brother is such a good sport!
Posted by: MissNev at April 24, 2008 4:34 PM
I used to hate jelly beans, but now I'm mostly indifferent to them. I really like hot cinnamon jelly beans, but I guess they're essentially just Hot Tamale nuggets, so maybe they don't count.
its just so apt a word for so many different applications
its versitile!
and I LOVE James Franco and jelly beans
in that order
Posted by: Bethy at April 24, 2008 4:52 PM
Oh jeez. In my high school it was the "Six Best Friends". Points for originality.
Then there was the time in tenth grade when a guy deemed himself the "Pimp" and gave all of his "Hoes" numerical ranking.
... and that was what my ex-boyfriend decided to do with his time after I dumped him. Sigh.
Posted by: Lannie at April 24, 2008 4:52 PM
I pray really, really, REALLY hard that Courtney Love, Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse will hook up in a skanky, "I haven't had a bath or shower in six weeks" kind of stink, orgy and have all of them fatally overdose on heroin.
That would be the single coolest and most awesome thing to happen on planet Earth since Kurt had a shotgun sandwich for lunch and it will rule more then anything has ruled in the history of ruling.
Posted by: Ben at April 24, 2008 5:30 PM
Fucking baby-wipe jelly beans? Wha? I don't understand.
Columbo is obviously yelling, "Obama!!" He's the mad genius behind the campaign, and is heading up the investigation to find the rest of Hilary's skeletons.
Posted by: Riles at April 24, 2008 5:35 PM
Sarina:
Why don't you just decide to stop believing in girls in happy bunny glasses who have urinary incontinence? I mean, you can deny the existence of coffee and chocolate, but you let a loose-bladdered half wit continue to roam in your universe? How does that work exactly?
Posted by: PaddyDog at April 24, 2008 5:37 PM
"Jelly beans period are molded in Satan's anus"
As soon as I'm done laughing, I'm making a sandwich board with that on it and then I'm headed off to hang out at Target near the Jelly-Belly display.
I ain't scared of prison, bitches...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at April 24, 2008 5:52 PM
Well Paddy, it's like this: Coffee, foul as it is, doesn't make talky noises in my general direction when I'm politely minding my own business and not believing in it, and it sure as fuck doesn't go around saying "Oh, hee! Piddle!" when it thinks stupid shit is cute and/or fun. It also doesn't wear asshole glasses with doofy animal graphics and giggle at a pitch that makes my ears bleed. Chocolate, while often overwhelmingly rich and sweet, will only give me sugar shock or diabetes if I eat it a lot, so since I don't usually believe in it there's not too much of a problem.
Which brings us to the crux of the issue. Disgusto food conflicts can usually be resolved through disbelief, because even the nastiest edible substances don't normally assault me against my will with their distasteful insistence on existing. The same cannot be said for dumb bitches. They are a problem for which the only solutions are annihilation or silence by force. Through sheer goodwill and generosity of spirit, I choose silence by force over total annihilation at least 75% of the time.
Hmm, asshole glasses are required when molding jelly beans in Satan's ass. I think your piddle-chick may just be the Devil's child...
Posted by: Riles at April 24, 2008 6:03 PM
Okay, maybe I'm overthinking this, but y'know those gross-flavored Jelly-Beans? Yeah... how do they know when they've nailed the taste of vomit? Do they have a little taste-station with a pile of tester-beans and like a sippy-cup of someone's puke?
And booger? Who the fuck thinks that's funn... okay, booger is kinda funny... But speaking from experience and I SWEAR TO GOD THIS IS TRUE, I've never eaten my own boogs. Never. Maybe when I was like two or three and had that chicken-pot-pie-gravy runner of snot dangling on my upper lip, but other than that, no. That being said, am I supposed to eat a booger-flavored jelly-bean and then eat my own goddamed booger for reference? Fuck that...
They oughta make a hate-flavored bean. I sure as shit can tell the jelly-bean wizards what that tastes like... like angel tears.
Posted by: Skitimus Maximus at April 24, 2008 6:22 PM
I'm really looking forward to grabbing the ear wax jelly bean...it'll really make my day.
Especially when I spit it across the room at the nearest moving object in utter disgust, only to find that I'm nailed my boss with it dead-on in his ear. He'll take it out and ask what the hell is that, and I'll tell him it's ear-wax flavored jellybean. He'll get the irony, and we'll have a hearty, belly-shaking laugh.
And then he'll fire my ass...but I'm still looking forward to that laugh...
Like Clive Owen + Monica Belluci + Guns WAS NOT awesome.
You're dead to me, joker. Dead!
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 24, 2008 7:04 PM
Well Skittimus:
Since you asked...I believe those of us who have previously confessed to the odd tipple or two of an evening (see: Theater, Hangover) may, during our rookie days, have had the occasion to taste vomit. Granted it would have been diluted in distilled spirits, but nonetheless, vomit. There's a reason why girls have a designated hair-holder when they go out. It's because tasting vomit is one thing, but smelling it on ones hair all night until one manages to stumble to the shower the next morning is not pleasant.
As for the booger flavour, I can't personally comment, but I'll certainly ask the guy who was driving the car next to me at the traffic light yesterday (if I ever see him again) since he seemed to be feasting on the stuff.
Posted by: PaddyDog at April 24, 2008 7:28 PM
Thanks Paddy - I'm sure we can all attest to the general flavor of garp, but do you have even the teensiest suspicion, just a smidge of a gut feeling, an ounce of "hmm?" that they just have some poor sap who sits at the flavor-vat and once an hour hurks into a tube? Or a guy with a giant schnoz just a diggin' and a flickin'?
Maybe it was the guy you saw yesterday... Maybe he was on his way to the nasty-ass jelly-bean factory and was getting unfresh product out of the way - like bakers do with half-priced bagels...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at April 24, 2008 7:41 PM
Skittimus:
You are the dark Internet equivalent of "a sight for sore eyes". I admit. Now that you've put the thought in my mind, I see the Jelly Belly offices laid out before me; the VP of Vile Flavours handing out assignments to his underlings; and the lab guys taking a pool on what the corporate execs are going to come up with next. "Hey, look Jeff won with his $20 on square 12 for santorum. Now let's pull straws to decide who's going to be the taster on this one".
Posted by: PaddyDog at April 24, 2008 8:27 PM
This has almost nothing to do with this thread, but since we like to go off on tangents here in Pajibaville, what the hell:
You know those giant pink erasers that were always on the list of required school supplies? Well, in the third grade one of the boys in my class found a special use for the otherwised rarely used pink eraser. Every day he'd pick his nose and carefully place the still moist boogers on his eraser. He kept the collection in his desk, and by the end of the year the eraser was completely covered in hard, crusty boogers. He was so damn proud of himself, too. He showed everyone.
God, that's a gross story.
Posted by: Kolby at April 24, 2008 8:47 PM
Skitt, I am convinced that you are putting way too much thought into this. Maybe they run the interns on the Bertie Botts flavors? Anyway, I'm sure they have it figured out and I'll never eat either a vomit or a booger flavored jelly belly. I trust them.
Yeah, Clive Owen+Monica Belluci+Guns was awesome. I wanted to marry Smith the way I want to marry Brock Sampson from Venture Brothers: seriously and bitterly, since I know there isn't a real live man who will live up to that standard.
I would act the green screen right out of James Franco, and his adorable little brother Dave. And by act I mean sex and by green screen I mean...I don't really know what I mean.
Posted by: Kash at April 24, 2008 9:03 PM
"Hey, look Jeff won with his $20 on square 12 for santorum. Now let's pull straws to decide who's going to be the taster on this one."
Paddy, that comment may very well be the funniest and most disgusting thing I've read all month. Nicely done...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at April 24, 2008 9:03 PM
Just don't miss James' part 1 on how to cry. I liked it even more!
Kolby:
So much about you has now been explained. You're telling us that the rest of you just sat there and watched him amass his collection? Was there counselling made available?
Well, as long as we're speaking of children who collect disgusting things, I once knew a kid who kept a box full of carcasses. Like, bugs and frogs and rodents and whatnot. Any ol' dead thing he found he'd toss in this creepy box of his and just haul it around with him the way normal kids haul around their toys. Incidentally, that kid always smelled funny and sat inappropriately close to people and rubbed his face a lot and had a really wheezy laugh like Muttley.
what an f'in shame, that Ms Winehouse. Depressing as all get out. Those vile LA mommies get no sympathy from me, but somehow I feel for those UK moms of Doherty and Amy - it seems more like those two promising types just went sideways on junk-at-first-bite, while the LA types never had a direction in the first place aside from their mommies' 'helpers' in the purse next to the kid pimpin' daytimers.
On a brighter note - Franco can sleep on my couch, ANY TIME he wants. I just wanna gaze on him a bit, and maybe squeeze his lips together into a pout with my thumb and index finger. It is that clear to me, in my vision of possible events.
Skitt - what's up? Work still a bee-hatch? Me too! Scribbles in dribbles, not waves. So busy, I actually have to choose which parts of Pajiba I can read daily...instead of every damn item and comment like before. It's like withdrawal!
...aaaaand back full circle.
Posted by: replica at April 25, 2008 4:21 AM
Paddy - it was Catholic school. We weren't allowed to turn around in our chairs, speak to each other, or generally enjoy ourselves for the entire eight hours we were in class. Gym and recess were our only tastes of freedom. No wonder poor David resorted to collecting snot to entertain himself.
We also had an incident in 5th grade when one student just couldn't take it anymore. He started shredding paper in his desk and then started rubbing two pencils together in an attempt to ignite the paper, and eventually the whole school. The nun who taught that class, Sister Matthews, was a hulking, linebacker of a woman, and she solved the problem by lifting the boy's desk and tossing it a good three feet. They then had a High Noon-esque standoff, the boy brandishing his ruler and Sister Matthews pushing her sleeves up. I believe she shouted, "Come on!" at one point, and the rest of us just stared in utter disbelief.
I can't believe I just told that story - so menay memories just came flooding back.
Posted by: Kolby at April 25, 2008 9:06 AM
WTF is menay? I meant many.
Posted by: Kolby at April 25, 2008 9:08 AM
Ah Kolby:
The good old days when nuns were nuns. They've lost all their powers to inspire dread now that they're blending in with the rest of us.
Posted by: PaddyDog at April 25, 2008 9:32 AM
hahahahaaa..ahoo...hoo..hoo...
'Jim' you really know how to get the pajibans attention, dontcha?
Your indulgent use of puntuation registers you as a code red spammer-ass noob.
Phone home spambot, they miss you.
Posted by: thelastrolo at April 25, 2008 11:31 AM
Dear Spambot:
We've known each other for a couple of months now and I feel I can say this to you as a friend: I think you're overdoing it. We really appreciate how hard you work to make sure we meet rich men/women, but the strain is starting to show. You need a break. We are seriously worried about your health. Frankly no-one wants it getting to the point where you burst in here one day in a rage and turn on us (The role of "he who scares us all to death is already filled. Have you met Pissboy?). Perhaps a week in the countryside would make all the difference, You could shrug off all those superfluous punctuations and come back looking more like your old oddly-syntaxed self. Think about it.
Love, PaddyDog
Posted by: PaddyDog at April 25, 2008 11:31 AM
*pajibans' and punctuation- God im sloppy this fine morning.
Yet, thinking about it maybe I shouldn't correct my english, you know, then the spammer might understand me??
HOLD THE PHONE!!
Yoda is that you?
...
I know, fuck Hayden Christi...Anti-Christ, he brought you to this didn't he?
...
Don't cry you might fizzle like a slug.
Posted by: thelastrolo at April 25, 2008 11:41 AM
Skitt, you may want to put off your sandwich board arrest for a bit. Jail just got a bit scarier now that Amy Winehouse is going to be in there with you.
Posted by: Kris at April 25, 2008 1:58 PM
I should clarify for those of you throwing hissy fits thinking that I just dissed Clive Owen and/or Monica Belluci and/or guns. I love all 3 and if I could find a way to have sex with them all at the same time, preferably a la "The famous scene in cinematic history where a gunfight is combined with hot sex", I would. Have no doubt about this. What I objected to was the piece of crap the movie was. It was NOT awesome and you will not convince me otherwise.
Wha? where are the comments?