Pajiba Love 04/09/10

Sparkles Cobain?

By Stacey Nosek | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (30)

Courtney Love may have been blabbing that she wants Robert Pattinson and Scarlett Johansson to play her and Kurt Cobain, respectively, in a biopic. Which means nothing of course, because even if that’s true no one gives a flying crap what that crazy bee thinks. (Film Drunk)

Sorry guys, I’m gonna apologize right now for the weak links today. There’s only so much I can do with a slow news day, so I have no other choice than to mention that Oprah is getting a nighttime talk show. (Evil Beet)

How does that old saying go? Ah, yes: Every time Nicolas Cage loses one of his mansions, an angel gets its wings. (Screen Junkies)

Ventriloquist dummies are second only to clowns in things that are supposed to bring joy and laughter but are actually fucking terrifying. So here are the creepiest ventriloquist tales of all time (even though for some reason they left that episode of “Buffy” off the list). (Topless Robot)

HA! Some Midwestern dude on “Family Feud” basically said that Ellen DeGeneres — who, even if you are not a fan, you have to admit seems like one of the nicest people ever — hates America. (Warming Glow)

Oh, this sucks. Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor’s much-anticipated I Love You, Phillip Morris has been delayed indefinitely. Probably because it hates America, too. (The Playlist)

Here’s a guide to “what your favorite television show says about you,” which I’m sure at least a few of you are going to take serious umbrage with. (Holy Taco)

Here’s a Cinematical Seven of couples “thrust into action.” (Cinematical)

If, like me, you were completely outraged that Season Two of “Jersey Shore” was taking place in Miami, then rest assured because it will most certainly be finishing up back in the armpit of civilization. (IBBB)

Here are ten ’80s movies which would have made great NES games. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that there were any ’80s movies that weren’t made into NES games. They even did a Bill & Ted game. (Which I own, bitches.) (Unreality)

Chillwave, the music genre which apparently started as a joke, is actually gaining momentum. (Audiosuede)

Pop Tarts have a new “Wild Grape” flavor that allegedly contains “real fruit.” So that’s what gives them that nuclear purple-colored hue. (Impulsive Buy)

Hey everybody, Megan Fox did something cool! This Funny or Die clip brings attention to the massive education budget cuts going on out in California right now. Although I live on the other coast, I’ve got a librarian friend dealing with this over there and it is some scary shit.

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.

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Comments

The hell you say! Over my dead body!

Also fuck you Courtney Love!

Posted by: Mebe at April 9, 2010 1:02 PM

Every time Nicolas Cage loses one of his mansions, an angel gets its wings

Me and Google English to Chinese just fixed this for you:

Nicolas Cage is lost each time one of his mansion, got angel wings

Posted by: Xtreme at April 9, 2010 1:05 PM

That heading actually made me gasp. Bite your tongue, Nosek!

So what, Night of the Living Dummy from Goosebumps doesn't count in that ventriloquist theme?

Hmph.

Posted by: Brie at April 9, 2010 1:09 PM

So here are the creepiest ventriloquist tales --

:faints:

Posted by: Patty O'Green at April 9, 2010 1:11 PM

Sparkles Cobain?

Smells Like Teen Moisture.

Posted by: branded at April 9, 2010 1:14 PM

Squuuueeeeee! I'll be able to sparkle and cut myself!

Posted by: Sparklecuts at April 9, 2010 1:16 PM

Now that's just not fair. What if you're a straight guy, currently single, who watches Glee because you work (ish) in musical theater and enjoy the careers of Christopher Guest ensemble players? What then, Holy Taco? What then?

If anything, it says I hate myself more than your average Lost viewer because I have no tolerance for modern musicals having unapologetic plot holes you can drive a tractor trailer through. No one believes that Matthew Morrison is a hip, cool teacher with mad rapping skills, yo.

Posted by: Robert at April 9, 2010 1:19 PM

That was a good Funny or Die video.

And I fucking love Ellen.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at April 9, 2010 1:21 PM

"How does that old saying go? Ah, yes: Every time Nicolas Cage loses one of his mansions, an angel gets its wings."

More than makes up for weak links on a slow news day!

Posted by: icecreammang at April 9, 2010 1:21 PM

Pattinson might be the worst possible choice to play Cobain, except for maybe Jonah Hill. Check that... I'd actually pay to see Jonah Hill as Cobain.

As for Courtney- one word: Lohan.

Posted by: logar at April 9, 2010 1:36 PM

How can a list of creepiest ventriloquist dummies LEAVE OFF THE BUFFY EPISODE?!?!?

Christ on a cracker, it's Friday and I'm yelling.

Posted by: MM at April 9, 2010 1:51 PM

I love reading Audiosuede, however how the fuck am I supposed to justify doing so when all the music reviewed and discussed can jerk the wheel into a bridge abutment.

Posted by: D-Day at April 9, 2010 1:54 PM

So that list of TV show is clearly off its gourd and tongue planted firmly in cheek, etc etc.

But I have to admit that loving Lost so much does make me feel like a masochist sometimes. It's like getting into it is begging for pain and headaches. And hornyness from all the shirtlessness.

Posted by: figgy at April 9, 2010 1:55 PM

I have to admit to laughing quite a bit at Ugly Americans. I was pretty surprised at how funny I thought it was.

Posted by: Snath at April 9, 2010 1:58 PM

"Courtney Love may have been blabbing that she wants Robert Pattinson and Scarlett Johansson to play her and Kurt Cobain, respectively, in a biopic. "

Hahahah! You did that on purpose, right, Stacey? I can just see Sparkle Dali as Courtney Love.

Oprah is not getting her own nighttime talk show. She's creating her own damn network so she can give herself her own nighttime talk show. And to think we thought she was retiring. She just up-Leno'ed Leno.

Posted by: BWeaves at April 9, 2010 2:03 PM

Yeah, did you know that homosexual is synonymous with "Hates America"? Seriously, equal rights? Non-discriminatory practices? Basic civil liberties? That's commie talk, comrade!

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at April 9, 2010 2:21 PM

I love how on that Family Feud clip, the family members stay perky and upbeat and actually applaud the homophobic dad's answer. "Yeah! This is totally awkward and God, I'm utterly humiliated to be related to this guy, but I'm gonna pretend that wasn't a completely nonsensical, asinine answer that would never, ever be up on the board and act like everything's fine! Yeah, come on, 'hates America!'" Good fucking God.

Posted by: DeadBessie at April 9, 2010 2:31 PM

AAACCKKK! That The Ventriloquist's Dummy episode of Tales from the Crypt still freaks me out! Damn you Topless Robot for reminding me of its existence. I had mostly been able to push that truth out of my brain.

Posted by: tamatha at April 9, 2010 2:38 PM

Where do you find that Mike Sutton's Midwestern? I only saw the show clip, not the entire Family Feud episode, but their accents sounded southern to me.

Posted by: Salieri2 at April 9, 2010 2:55 PM

Here’s a Cinematical Seven of couples “thrust into action.”

I'm not the only one who thought that was going to be something different, am I?

What am I saying? It's Pajiba, of course I'm not.

Ah, Patricia Arquette! So young, so hot!

Posted by: Todd at April 9, 2010 3:01 PM

"Hey everybody, Megan Fox did something cool!"

http://img2.imageshack.us/img2/8752/com.gif

Posted by: Adventureman at April 9, 2010 3:07 PM

I was not anticipating that movie.

Posted by: Jay at April 9, 2010 3:32 PM

I straight fucking love Megan Fox. I love her. She is awesome. She can say all the dumb shit she wants, I want to hang out with her and watch movies and maybe makeoutalittlebecauseshessopretty and talk about our eyebrows together

Posted by: Nadine at April 9, 2010 4:05 PM

Wait, she wants Robert Pattinson to play her? He could probably pull it off, but I think ScarJo's figure is a little off for Kurt Cobain.

Posted by: Grammar Bitch, Awaaaaay! at April 9, 2010 5:46 PM

ScarJo's voice is too deep to portray Kurt.

Posted by: adam at April 9, 2010 9:26 PM

Hope you will enjoy this club. Keep posting and make good on-line friends.
http://www.uniformedmeet.com/news/181

Posted by: grace at April 10, 2010 8:51 AM

The thing that made me laugh about the "Family Feud" clip is that there actually is a stunned beat before the rest of the family starts clapping. Usually they're flapping their hands around like spastic seals before the answer's even finished, but you can actually see the younger people in this family having a "WTF?" moment.

Posted by: Craig at April 10, 2010 10:02 AM

I saw this comment elsewhere, can't take credit: it's not impossible Dad Sutton was confusing Ellen DeGeneres with That Other TV Lesbian, Rosie O'Donnell, whose public objections to the war in Iraq have been loud and clear, and which is the kind of thing often seized upon to question patriotism.

I'm not sure it's worth getting too up in arms about it, if that is the case. Guy may have no clue whatsoever who any of those talking heads in his teevee are. My dad can't identify a popular musician after Glenn Miller, and wondered after Jon Stewart's Springsteen intro during the Presidential honors if James Brown was "some jazz guy?"

And I'd be hard-pressed to come up with more than one factoid about, say, Robert Pattinson. I'm still not sure Jesse Helms, Strom Thurmond and Orrin Hatch aren't the same dude.

Posted by: Salieri2 at April 10, 2010 1:27 PM

(even though for some reason they left that episode of “Buffy” off the list)

Uh, that's probably because Sid the Dummy WAS AWESOME. He was a total private eye trapped by a curse in a dummy's body! God.

What It Really Says: If I don't watch Glee with my girlfriend and her musical theater friends, then she won't have sex with me. Either that, or I'm completely flaming gay.

Soooo.... where are answers about what it says about you if you're a woman?? Oh, right, I guess I watch it *because* I'm a woman, and women just naturally like that kind of show. Because it's a musical, and women love musicals and have musical theater friends. My bad! (P.S. Looks like you were right about the umbrage, Stacey! At least, for me. I'm umbraging all over the place all up in this joint.)

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at April 11, 2010 12:17 PM

I've seen I Love You Phillip Morris in the cinema. It wasn't great but it wasn't horrible either. Just don't expect something like a gay con artist "Yes Man" and you'll be ok.

Posted by: arrrghzi at April 11, 2010 8:11 PM

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