YO NEW YORKER, I'M HAPPY FOR YOU, AND I'MMA LET YOU FINISH...
Sandra Bullock, who may not be the greatest actress but is at least incredibly sweet and funny, has been named the highest-earning actress in Hollywood. Jesse James, meanwhile, cries himself to sleep every night on Bombshell McGee's Nazi vagina. (Agent Bedhead)
Oh look, Rock 'N Roll Raccoon finally put on a pair of freaking pants, which I'm sure are the most non-conformist pants out there. FIGHT THE POWER, ROCK 'N ROLL RACCOON! (Celebitchy)
Katy Perry is pretty much being the most awesome girlfriend ever by sending Russell Brand into space. Unfortunately for the rest of us, it's not a one-way trip. (Celebslam)
For those of you who didn't understand Inception, prepare to feel very dumb: A Scrooge McDuck comic from 2002 had basically the exact same plot. The only thing that really surprises me about all this: They're still making Scrooge McDuck comics? Really? (Screen Junkies)
Oh my GOD, if this Portal mirror doesn't give you a total Gamergasm, you are either not a true video game player, or you have terrible taste and you must hang your head in shame. (Unreality)
It's official: The Expendables is so manly, it just blew up Youtube. Play 'em off, Keyboard Cat! ,,, Keyboard Cat? ... KEYBOARD CAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!! (The Flickcast)
At last, we have found the only thing that will make Little Fockers even remotely funny: A walrus that can suck it's own dong. Incidentally, because I know she's reading this: Hi Mom! Your son just made a joke about Walrus dicks. Aren't you proud? (Film Drunk)
Now that The Hills has been mercifully killed, Flesh-Coloured Pedo-Beard is doing everything he can to worm his way onto The Jersey Shore. Unless New Jersey suddenly gets overrun by douche-eating sharks, I think we can all agree that this would be a terrible idea. (popbytes)
Oh Goddammit ... Ben & Jerry's just released two new ice cream flavours exclusive to Target. The bad news? Target donates money to anti-gay charities. Sorry B&J, but my loyalty to the gays trumps delicious ice cream every. Single. Time. (The Impulsive Buy)
Here's the abridged script of Twilight: Eclipse. Because you can either spend $12 to watch Stephanie Meyers take a steaming dump on the vampire mythos, or you can laugh at her for free. Your choice. (The Editing Room)
For those of you who believe that ants are harmless little creatures who can cause no damage, think again. Ants will group up and they will actively try to kill you and your entire family. Ants are like land piranhas. LAND PIRANHAS. Blame Agent Bedhead for this one. (Esquire)
Here's an interview with Drag U's Ongina. ONgina, people, get your head out of the gutter! (Socialite Life)
Finally, are you tired of going to the zoo and not being able to pester the animals for your entertainment? Well now you can, thanks to Zoo Horn! Hope you enjoy being mauled by dangerous, pent up animals!