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If A Washed-Up Rock Star Cursed In The Woods and No One Was Around To Hear It, Would It Still Get Bleeped?

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | April 2, 2009 | Comments (76)

Did you all know there was another Osbournes reality show? Yep. “The Osbournes Reloaded,” because we really need to see Kelly go through withdrawal and Ozzy die of old age on camera. (RUFKM)

I know a lot of people *ahem* Dustin *ahem* don’t care for Mickey Rourke, but he’s quickly becoming my most favorite crazy person. Suck on that, Joaquin! (Webster’s)

My second favorite crazy person? Bjork, who is so crazy that even a blatant attempt at an April Fool’s joke falls flat. Because, it’s Bjork, people. (AgentBedhead)

The cast of Inglorious Basterds [sic] (I love adding the [sic]) poses for some promotional shots and announces the film will premiere at Cannes. (FilmSchoolRejects)

Here’s a fantastic piece of the flawed yet underrated 1996 Kids in the Hall opus, Brain Candy. Thanks to my friend Joey for the head’s up! (AV Club)

Norm Coleman is continuing to make absolutely pathetic attempts at delaying Al Franken’s term as senator of Minnesota. (QuizLaw)

It’s a day late (sorry), but our own Steven has a fine piece up on the history behind April Fool’s day in his latest, brilliant Burning Violin column. (The Burning Violin)

Ted Nugent is finally hunting … The most dangerous game of all! We only knew it was all too inevitable. (ScreenJunkies)

The sandwich place from the “Sandwich Day” episode of “30 Rock” has finally been revealed! And dear sweet jesus is my stomach rumbling reading about it. (SeriousEats)

I’ve never had reason to watch “American Idol” before, but a brewing catfight just might turn the tides in its favor. (Celebitchy)

Greg Mottola recalls the recipe for zombie vomit while working on Day of the Dead. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not a dozen shots of SoCo chased with a dozen beers followed by a late night snack of fried cheese brains. Thanks to the commenter formerly known as Bucdaddy! (PostGazette)

I think the only thing I’ll actually miss about winter is an almost nightly whiskey consumption. But hey, with summer comes pinot grigio! (Naive’sGuide)

You know what’s greater than videos of adults kicking kids or people getting whacked in the nuts? Grandma’s falling. Here’s ten of them. (Tabloid Prodigy)

The website Stuff White People Like has ushered in a whole new era of white people making fun of white people. Here’s the latest offering from atom:

White People Problems

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

HA! I am ROFLMAO! I can totally relate to that video clip because I am a white person! LOL! Oh, snap! Mayonaisse! I am so lame and I dance like this...

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY INTERWEBS CAMERA?!

Posted by: Skitz at April 2, 2009 1:11 PM

I wonder what it says about me that I love both Mickey and Bjork. Come to think about it, they'd be perfect for each other.

Posted by: Cindy at April 2, 2009 1:11 PM

The best thing about The Burning Violin piece is that you know it's going to find its way onto Wikipedia and next year, someone will be quoting it as historical fact.

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 2, 2009 1:12 PM

I think that Osbournes thing is going to be a variety show. A VARIETY SHOW. Like Sonny and Cher. Like it's 1965 all over again, only more stupid and pointless than the first 1965.

Posted by: king at April 2, 2009 1:15 PM

"I love both Mickey and Bjork..."

Tell you what, Cindy - if you get me their addresses, a miter saw, and a hundred and fifty thousand dollars and the promise of silence in the face of an absolute abomination of everything mankind holds dear, I'll do it. Two birds, one stone...

Mickey Bjork. Get it? It's a play on words sorta. 'Cause his last name is "Rourke" and it rhymes with "Bjork"?

Anyhow, get me the cash and I'll somehow mangle the two of them together...

Posted by: Skitz at April 2, 2009 1:19 PM

I'm going to end up seeing Inglourious Basterds [sic] and feeling conflicted about it. Because I don't like violent men in real life, but hot men beating the shit out of people in cinema makes me swoon. Cillian Murphy in 28 Days Later? Yes, please. The Rocker in RockNRolla? Definitely. Brad Pitt taking Nazi skulls in brutal and horrific fashion? I will have to bring two pairs of panties.

I can't explain it, I've given up on whatever justifications I previously used (I consider myself a strong woman and seeing a physical display of strength from a man reassures me that he'd be able to handle a relationship with me, etc.) I just accept it. My name is Rusty and I enjoy a fantasy of a buff man beating the shit out of someone to defend me and then partaking of the hot sexing. I'll tear up my feminist card myself.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at April 2, 2009 1:21 PM

White people don't dance like that! They do this: *does the Running Man* and this: * does the Roger Rabbit* and most of all this: *Stirrin the Pot*.

Y'all bitches just got served!

Posted by: admin at April 2, 2009 1:25 PM

"White people problems"?

Well, I for one am offended.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 2, 2009 1:27 PM

A VARIETY SHOW.

That makes more sense, really. It seems like the kids have cleaned up their acts, so there wouldn't be much to air otherwise.

I love Ozzy as much as the next person, but his "adorable burnout" schtick can't sustain a reality show alone.

Posted by: frumpiefox at April 2, 2009 1:29 PM

Well I can't do the Roger Rabbit, but I've sure got The Running Man covered.

Is Stirrin The Pot the same as the Cabbage Patch? Almost the same?

Posted by: Jay at April 2, 2009 1:31 PM

I must hang out with the wrong white people as most of their problems involve broken cars, mortgages, and credit cards.

Posted by: Inaras at April 2, 2009 1:31 PM

My name is Rusty and I enjoy a fantasy of a buff man beating the shit out of someone to defend me and then partaking of the hot sexing.

Dustin: Gah, I can't know that!

Me: I could stand to hear a little more.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 2, 2009 1:32 PM

Mickey Rourke carting around wee little dogs everywhere makes my insides go all gooey.

Posted by: Jeni at April 2, 2009 1:33 PM

My name is Rusty and I enjoy a fantasy of a buff man beating the shit out of someone to defend me and then partaking of the hot sexing.

Dustin can direct you to the location of the weekly meetings, as well as putting you in contact with a sponsor.

Also, I learned nothing yesterday.

Posted by: branded at April 2, 2009 1:35 PM

And down here that call it "Skeeeeenee". Flagrant disregard of the word "skim" irks me, sure, but I'll let you live. Just don't use "skinny" anywhere near the word "whip".

I will pull your endocrine system out of your body.

Posted by: Jay at April 2, 2009 1:35 PM

Oh, fine. I'll sponsor you, Rusty.

*kicks can*

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at April 2, 2009 1:38 PM

Is Stirrin The Pot the same as the Cabbage Patch? Almost the same?

Almost, it all has to do with hand placement.

I learned my craft from Kid N' Play. They're hardcore yo.

Me and Rhyme are going to throw down. The kid needs an eduma...ecdu....emacu...schooling.

Posted by: admin at April 2, 2009 1:39 PM

My name is Rusty and I enjoy a fantasy of a buff man beating the shit out of someone to defend me and then partaking of the hot sexing.

Hey, ain't nothing wrong with that. Hell, if you were to google that, I'm sure you'd find a couple sites to meet your interests.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at April 2, 2009 1:39 PM

I also love both Mickey Rourke and Bjork. I'm not so sure about the two of them mangled together, but what the heck, give it a whirl.

Posted by: MM at April 2, 2009 1:41 PM

Um Skitz, that isn't quite what I had in mind. And yet, somehow I'm picturing the whole thing: blood and body parts spattered about, a look of wild glee on your face while Violently Happy plays in the background.


I do thank you for that whole play on words explanation though.

Posted by: Cindy at April 2, 2009 1:43 PM

I will pull your endocrine system out of your body.

See now, you never struck me as the violent type Jay. Who the hell've you been hanging around?

Posted by: Cindy at April 2, 2009 1:45 PM

Starbucks customers


and Gary Busey

Posted by: Jay at April 2, 2009 1:51 PM

That Busey quote will never get old to me. Never. Joel McHale could run it on an endless loop and just barely raise his eyebrows and I would laugh and laugh.

I learned my craft from Kid N' Play. They're hardcore yo.
Posted by: admin at April 2, 2009 1:39 PM

Have you seen the State Farm(?) commercial with LeBron James dancing to Kid N' Play? Ahh, good times. Good times.

Posted by: Lainey at April 2, 2009 1:55 PM

I'm sorry, Dustin. With the kind of smut that flies around this website I didn't think that would ring any bells.

Oh, Jeremy, I don't even want to list the movies I've seen because of my preferences, I'm not adding questionable websites. It would only compound my shame at having to admit that I've seen large chunks of The Rundown and watched Smokin' Aces more than once.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at April 2, 2009 1:56 PM

Jay, you're more than welcome to my endocrine system. Damned thing doesn't work worth a damn anyway.

Posted by: lizzieborden at April 2, 2009 1:57 PM

Somehow I missed that GB hoopla.

Posted by: Cindy at April 2, 2009 2:03 PM

Oh, Cindy, it must be on the youtubes somewhere. Find it! That man is C.R.A.Z.Y! Just search for Busey/endocrine or even Busey/The Soup. There should be several fun things for you to enjoy!

Posted by: Lainey at April 2, 2009 2:15 PM

That's the whole problem with the endocrine. First it's functioning perfectly, then you're re-modulating for aesthetic astuteness.

It's like when my sister asked me about the first dodecahedron I constructed. I tried to tell her it was nothing more than a fool's errand based on when I saw Sonic Youth the first time at the record store on 2nd - just grilled cheese, baby.

Posted by: Jay at April 2, 2009 2:16 PM

I honestly can't tell the difference between them.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 2, 2009 2:23 PM

Well, I loved Brain Candy. It's not one of the best movies, but it's pretty damn funny. There are some classic one liners ("I feel like God's rubbing my tummy!" or "This drug's supposed to make you happy? Fuck happy!") so I'm glad it has some cult status.

Posted by: Brie at April 2, 2009 2:25 PM

Those problems aren't limited to white people. No one has a harder time choosing which sweater vest to wear than TK. Sometimes he just sits in front of his revolving closet of them and weeps. WEEPS! Such is his struggle.

Posted by: jM at April 2, 2009 2:34 PM

Well, motorcycle accidents and drug will mess up a person...

Posted by: Cindy at April 2, 2009 2:34 PM

Wait, TK's not white? So that's why people keep calling him "tripod" all the time.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 2, 2009 2:36 PM

You know what else makes me hungry? Scanwiches

Try it, you'll like it!

Posted by: mswas at April 2, 2009 2:36 PM

I saw an ad for the Osbourne's Show last night. I screamed in horror and threw my remote at the tv. I missed, but the remote broke into three pieces. I put it back together, but now the power button doesn't work.

As if Sharon beating up that woman on Charm School wasn't enough to make me hate their guts, they now have to make me get up to turn on my tv, and I will not forgive that. I hate these people. I hope they burn in hell!

I kind of like how Kelly dresses though. But that's it.

Posted by: figgy at April 2, 2009 2:50 PM

I guess I should be almost flattered that it so desperately wants attention from me, but then, I'm being hounded by Artificial Stupidity, so...what to feel?

Posted by: Jay at April 2, 2009 2:51 PM

As if Sharon beating up that woman on Charm School wasn't enough to make me hate their guts

Ha, figgy, that made me finally *like* Sharon Osbourne!

Posted by: Lainey at April 2, 2009 2:55 PM

And why the hell do people keep trying to revive the variety show? Variety shows are awful. There's a REASON they didn't live past the 70s. They're awful. Stop trying to make it a thing.

Posted by: figgy at April 2, 2009 2:56 PM

Rusty, the juice bar (flexes) is that way.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at April 2, 2009 2:57 PM

Dunno...it was so trashy. And wasn't she trying to teach skanks to not be trashy? I mean...obviously that wasn't what the show was about but man, she's so trashy.

Posted by: figgy at April 2, 2009 2:57 PM

And why the hell do people keep trying to revive the variety show? Variety shows are awful. There's a REASON they didn't live past the 70s. They're awful. Stop trying to make it a thing.

Ooooohhh, hie thee to Pajibasaur, my young scholar.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 2, 2009 3:02 PM

Variety shows are awful. There's a REASON they didn't live past the 70s.

Whoa hey, figgy. I won't stand for any sullying of Dean Martin 'round here.

Posted by: branded at April 2, 2009 3:07 PM

Oh, I need to correct myself there.

I mean that every time someone's tried to revive the variety show recently, it's completely sucked. I mean come on, Jessica Simpson wanted one. Rosie O'Donnell? Now these people? Unless they can find a modern-day version of Dean Martin, they should just stop it.

Posted by: figgy at April 2, 2009 3:10 PM

None shall sully Dean.

Posted by: Jay at April 2, 2009 3:10 PM

But the "Nick and Jessica Variety Hour" was a Horn of Plenty of Mindfuck. It was amazing!

Posted by: Jay at April 2, 2009 3:11 PM

I guess you haven't heard about John Mayer yet, figgy?

Posted by: Cindy at April 2, 2009 3:18 PM

Brain Candy is awesome.

And that video is the opposite of awesome. Can the whole "it's cool and funny because it's ironic" white people rapping comedy shit come to an end? I blame Andy Samberg. Overrated turd.

Posted by: dave at April 2, 2009 3:18 PM

regarding John Mayer, a question:

If one is being intentionally and ironically douchey, does that really make one any less douchey than someone who is being so unintentionally? Or is it really just another kind of douchey?

Discuss.

Posted by: lizzieborden at April 2, 2009 3:28 PM

I guess you haven't heard about John Mayer yet, figgy?

No. Way.

Posted by: figgy at April 2, 2009 3:38 PM

lizzie, I'd say another kind of douchey. It's like those guys in my high school band program who "liked" all music that wasn't Led Zeppelin or Eric Clapton in an "ironic" fashion. Basically, they were losers who didn't know how to have fun and were just trying to look cool by making other people feel shitty about the music they liked.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at April 2, 2009 3:39 PM

Thanks for the link, Pajiba Overlords! I really wanted to do it as a Real Time Review but I just couldn't go the distance without risking a cerebral hemorrhage.

Posted by: TylerDFC at April 2, 2009 3:46 PM

Lizzie - it's definitely a different kind of douchey. There's too many douchebags already, we don't need people pretending.

Posted by: Jeni at April 2, 2009 3:46 PM

G(aR) - I've been mulling it over, and as a fellow resident feminist, I don't think there is anything particularly unfeminist in your statement. A fantasy is a fantasy. It's not as if you are encouraging real-life men to battle each other for your sexual arousal.

And there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that there are probably plenty of men who are physically stronger than you, and therefore in a dangerous situation would probably be better able to deal with a physical alteration. That doesn't make you any less of a feminist.

So, tape that feminist card back together, hold your head up high and go enjoy your movies.

Posted by: tamatha at April 2, 2009 4:01 PM

I'm a white person with a great sense of rythym and mad dancing skills. We exist! Really!

lizzieborden Douchey is douchey. Douchey is as douchey does. There's a backgammon variation called Acey-Deucy. It's douchey. See what I mean? Try this, say it LOUDLY, no matter where you are: ACEY-DEUCY IS DOUCHEY! See?

And excuse me everyone, but I could put on a kick-ass blow your hair off your head variety show, I've had several of them planned out over the years (starting with the awesome one I put together in my head in 79 which starred The Sunshine Family and their Magical Loom) and they just get better and better. The last one I put together in my head involves The Dresden Dolls, Tori Amos, Kay Starr impersonators, Ru-Paul, Tom and Eric (of Adult Swim) and the Flight of the Conchords guys--both nude all the time. And pyrotechnics, a lot of them. I think the only problem is that's just too much fabulousness in a one hour show. And it would give people weird dreams, for sure.

But no one ever takes me up on my great ideas or talent. (DUSTIN: I'M STILL AVAILABLE TO WRITE REVIEWS OF WEIRD 50s and 60s FLICKS, INCLUDING THE SEXISM ANGLE AND THE WEIRD TECHNOLOGY THEY SHOWCASED BACK THEN!)

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at April 2, 2009 4:03 PM

Oh and I don't want to get too-too here, but if our fantasies determined whether we could keep our feminism card or not, not only would mine be burned, but I'd be declared a guy and totally kicked out of the club, so it's a good thing it doesn't work that way.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at April 2, 2009 4:05 PM

but I'd be declared a guy

And what does that mean???

Posted by: Jay at April 2, 2009 4:12 PM

Well, not physically a guy! But maybe mentally. If I were a guy, I'd be a total and utter pig.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at April 2, 2009 4:14 PM

That's what I thought you meant.

We're all pigs, eh???

Disgusting.

Posted by: Jay at April 2, 2009 4:23 PM

But hey, with summer comes pinot grigio!

-Or Topo Gigio

Posted by: Odnon at April 2, 2009 4:23 PM

Jay No, no a MILLION TIMES NO!!! There are scads of guys who are NOT pigs. I'm married to a non-pig. I don't think he's been a pig-guy for even a moment in his life.

But if *I* were a guy? I'd be a TOTAL pig. That's why it's good I'm not a guy.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at April 2, 2009 4:31 PM

figgy: Way. But I don't understand how.

lizzieborden: A douche is a douche is a douche.

Posted by: Cindy at April 2, 2009 4:33 PM

Not all of us can be librarians, Jay.

Some of us like to root around in the muck once in a while.

Posted by: Snath at April 2, 2009 4:35 PM

Jay's a librarian?

I salute you, my fellow info-wrangler!

Posted by: frumpiefox at April 2, 2009 4:40 PM

If it looks, smells, talks, acts or pretends to be a douche, it is a douche.

Douche.

Ms. Beaverhausen, doing the chicken dance at weddings does not qualify as "mad dancing skills".

The conga line is the high water mark.

Posted by: admin at April 2, 2009 4:55 PM

The "White People Problems" video made me a little uncomfortable, then I remember #101: Being Offended on SWPL:

Naturally, white people do not get offended by statements directed at white people. In fact, they don’t even have a problem making offensive statements about other white people (ask a white person about “flyover states”). As a rule, white people strongly prefer to get offended on behalf of other people.

And now I feel great.

Posted by: Michellers at April 2, 2009 5:22 PM

I am going to see Adventure land solely because it was filmed at Kennywood Park near Pittsburgh, my hometown. We had Kennywood days in school where one day during the summer you would find everyone from your school district frolicking about. I love that park. I've been to a lot of amusement parks and I realized I've been spoiled by Kennywood's unique non corporatey, only moderately crowded, reasonably priced awesomeness.

I'm so going this year.

Posted by: Kate at April 2, 2009 6:02 PM

Women can't be pigs?

Do you read this site much?


Haw haw haw, Zing!

doing the chicken dance at weddings does not qualify as "mad dancing skills".

Bullshit it don't! Why, it can approach "skillz".

Posted by: Jay at April 2, 2009 6:03 PM

tamantha, I think I just feel bad because I'm thoroughly opposed to real life violence, so the fact that I like it in my cinema feels like a betrayal. And it's not even all movie violence, I abhor torture porn. But I've never been a physically intimidating person and something about that is… alluring. It's not anti-feminist in the sense that I'm not saying anything that would negate my belief in female equality (priority #1!).

However, I do also tend to favor shows and movies with exceptionally strong female characters, so I might just be attracted to power regardless of gender. I'm gonna go with that explanation.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at April 2, 2009 6:34 PM

Oh and I'm not the only one who now wants to watch the Osbournes sing the Bradys' "Keep On Movin", right?

Posted by: Jay at April 2, 2009 7:12 PM

Mickey Bjork. Get it? It's a play on words sorta. 'Cause his last name is "Rourke" and it rhymes with "Bjork"?

They should get married, then she could be Bjork Rourke. Or Bjork Rourke-Bjork if she so pleases.

Posted by: admin at April 2, 2009 7:25 PM

They should get married, then she could be Bjork Rourke. Or Bjork Rourke-Bjork if she so pleases.

The only way I will endorse this marriage is the the Swedish Chef officiates at the wedding.

Posted by: branded at April 2, 2009 9:30 PM

*whispers*
Beautiful!

Posted by: Jay at April 2, 2009 9:37 PM

The only way I will endorse this marriage is the the Swedish Chef officiates at the wedding.

*clap*......*clap*.....*clap*....*clap*...*clap*..*clap*.*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*!

Posted by: admin at April 3, 2009 12:26 AM

Sorry, either that was a slow clap, or I have to go see my gynecologist.

Posted by: admin at April 3, 2009 12:28 AM

Kate at April 2, 2009 6:02

Represent.

Thunderbolt, Jackrabbit, Racer, Phantom's Revenge, Exterminator, PittFall, Plunge, Aero 360 ...

The bad news: $33.95 full price this year.

The good news: Senior discount kicks in for me in three years. Hah!

And FatHead's on the way home.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 3, 2009 12:31 AM

$33.95 wha???

Atrocious, but my love for the park is intact. (Plus Giant Eagle has discount tickets for like $20...as do many borough offices, randomly.) My favorite new-er ride is the Swingshot. Watching people's faces on it is priceless, and a real bonding experience for us mean people in the crowd. Thunderbolt has my heart though.

Posted by: Kate at April 3, 2009 11:15 AM