free counter with statistics Pajiba Love 03/25/08 | Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Litely Salted’s Pajiba Love

“The Return of Jezebel James” finally takes a mercy bullet, Old Yeller style. (Evil Beet)

Jared Leto masters the art of Maybelline application. (WIMB)

Don’t let a marginally successful Tom Cruise impression let you think for a second that Superhero Movie won’t blow harder than Joe Francis in a mens’ penitentiary. (Popoholic)

Oh, and here’s something totally unrelated: guess who might be headed back to jail? Cross your fingers, everyone! (The Blemish)

Is it really necessary to call social services in to deal with morbidly obese children? Isn’t that like, normally a job for Montel? (QuizLaw)

LOL Cats teams up with Jones Soda for the most unnecessarily necessary cross-marketing campaign ever. (YBNBY)

Pam Anderson’s fairy tale marriage gets annulled, so she technically gets to keep her title as a two-time marriage failure. (Yeeeah!)

Summer Glau does Vanity Fair, 50’s pinup style. Me-freakin-ow! (Agent Bedhead)

Being that I may have, in the past, drank beer which had bits of crud floating in it deposited by wayward ping-pong balls — I’d probably drink beer out of a giant, functional beer-brewing model of “Futurama’s” Bender. (Thanks, Brie!) (asciimation)

Ever get the feeling that maybe there are just some species of animals we’d be just better off without? Yeah, suck on that, PETA. (Cracked)

Your weekly installment of Doug Benson’s “I Love Movies,” after the jump.

Pajiba Love | March 25, 2008 | Comments (24)

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

I would seriously pay money to any kind soul generous enough to grant me the opportunity to push Jared Leto down a flight of stairs.

Posted by: TK at March 25, 2008 3:40 PM

Even though I never gave Jezebel James a chance(who watches tv on Fridays?)this news made me realize I will never give another show on Fox a chance ever again. Luckily they never bring anything good to tv so really no real loss for me :-/

Posted by: Angelmonster at March 25, 2008 3:43 PM

That Bender is ACE.

And shut the fuck up, Joe Francis. I want to stab you.

Posted by: Gudrun at March 25, 2008 3:56 PM

I feel really, really terrible for fat kids. Sheesh. I can't see depriving a parent of custody for that, but those kids have a tough road ahead.

Except, of course, for the 26-pound 21 month-old. Is that all that big?

Posted by: samantha t at March 25, 2008 3:58 PM

...push Jared Leto down a flight of stairs.

I'll help! I can't stand that dude. I want to tell him, "Listen up jackhole, you are 36 goddamn years old, so here's what I need you to do: take a shower and wash that emo shit off your face, wear some real clothes and shut the HELL up forever. Also, your wee fairy slipper is untied."

Then when he looks down, we'll push him down the stairs. Fifty bucks says he cries until he pees himself.

Posted by: Sarina at March 25, 2008 4:06 PM

Sarina, I will give you 3 pajibillian dollars to make Jared Leto pee himself. The mental image alone is worth a couple grand.

Maybe he'll accidentally stab himself in the eyeball while trying to obtain that perfect emo-raccoony-you-can-count-the-tears-I've-shed-by-my-rings-of-eyeliner look.

Posted by: Julie at March 25, 2008 4:27 PM

You're welcome, Stacey. :) Although I really do wonder how that beer would taste.

I used to crush hard on Jared Leto, back when he was "sensitive." Not emo-sensitive, but high school crush sensitive.

Poor Jezebel James. It never had a chance. But I also read that Til Death was axed, too. I thought that was long gone!

Posted by: Brie at March 25, 2008 4:32 PM

Holy fucking fuckmonkeys! Summer Glau is HOT in those Vanity Fair pics, to the extent that I would totally go straight for her. Me-freakin-ow indeed!

Posted by: jeem at March 25, 2008 5:43 PM

I loved Gilmore Girls, Six Feet Under and basically anything that Parker Posey has done so I tuned in to Jezebel James despite the reviews and holy fuck.

That was so painful.

I lasted till the first commercial break. I am so glad to hear it was cancelled so we can see these three talented women (meaning the actresses and show creator Amy Sherman-Palladino) move on to better things.

Still...

I hate you Fox. Always snapping up quirky concepts, rolling them out on Friday nights and cancelling them to make room for more AI crap. You suck.

Posted by: Jennifer at March 25, 2008 5:56 PM

Damn you, Vanity Fair! My Summer Glau "special thoughts" chest is already near capacity! I don't need more material!

Fine, one more picture.

Did I mention how I met her already? And how said meeting started a truly unhealthy obsession with her? I don't believe I did.

*looks at pic again*

Damn. Seriously, I would kneecap a nun for a chance with her. I would kick TK in the 'nads if she commanded it (nothing personal).

Posted by: Vermillion at March 25, 2008 6:03 PM

i think joe francis is disgusting. however, i think that giving him a handjob for $50 does not make you a victim, it makes you a whore. only if you're younger than say, 7, is youth an excuse. 16 is old enough to know better. actually so is 13. sorry.

Posted by: kb at March 25, 2008 6:17 PM

Right back at ya, Vermillion. I understand completely.

Posted by: TK at March 25, 2008 6:41 PM

What the... is THAT Summer Glau?!?! The Vanity Fair people are crazy voodoo magicians, I tell you. Wow.

Posted by: monkey_b at March 25, 2008 6:58 PM

Jezebel James: Sometimes a really, really shitty show meets really shitty marketing. I watched every clip of this show available on the interwebs, and it sucks donkey balls. Not sure what happened, Parker and Lauren and Amy, but your show was a St. Bernard turd. (Note: really big dog turd)

Re Joe Francis: The idea of prison shower rape for this guy is great, but I'm pretty sure the statute of limitations has and should have run on civil or criminal claims from 2003 or prior. Calling the police when it happens? You go, girl. Calling the media as he gets out of jail? You're both an attention whore AND a real whore! Your parents must be so proud. Just like the cum-Spitzer!

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at March 25, 2008 7:06 PM

Poor Joe Francis, the guy tries to give the nation the hours upon hours of footage of amateur tits that we crave and he gets persecuted by the Puritan fascists infesting our government.

A shame, a damned shame.

Posted by: Andrew831 at March 25, 2008 9:22 PM

I believe I have a small girl crush on Summer Glau now. It might be because I love the pin up style of photography and it might be because she looks smokin'.

Jones Soda is delicious. I know I'm not the only one who had dreams of one day getting one of their photographs put on a Jones wrapper. I am for sure entering that contest.

I'm also with Julie and Sarina: Push that guy down the stairs pronto. I'll be waiting at the bottom of the stairs ready to take some pictures.

Posted by: Kay at March 25, 2008 10:10 PM

kb and Andrew831, perhaps you'd be interested in this article about your persecuted free speech hero:

http://men.style.com/gq/features/landing?id=content_6701

Posted by: Jerce at March 25, 2008 10:25 PM

A truly inspirational story of a man who doesn't cower away from adversity like so many do today.

He is the Larry Flynt of our time. A modern day civil rights hero.

Posted by: Andrew831 at March 25, 2008 10:48 PM

Jared Leto is a guyliner wearing wuss and I applaud all the commenters who wish to cause him bodily harm. He was soooo dreamy as Jordan Catalano. WTF happened, Jared?

I will only be happy when Joe Francis is permanently made the bitch of some large, sweaty, stanky, hairy, lifer with man boobs. Here's hoping he gets thrown back in prison - quickly.

Any Pajibites out there wanna help me out and let me know what the ...species of animals we'd be just better off without from the Cracked article are. Due to a crippling case of arachnophobia (the sooner those fuckers are wiped off the face of the earth the better), I had to click the back button immediately. I really want to know what other digusting forms of life are doomed so I can rejoice in their impending demise.

Anyone?

Posted by: jen310 at March 26, 2008 12:43 AM

So my sister got my nephew a little toy Bender model last Xmas. She thought he was bendable. He was holding a martini shaker. And not bendable.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at March 26, 2008 1:37 AM

Jen: apparently a few of the other animals we can do without are hitler ants, vultures, freshwater sharks, and pandas. The rationale behind pandas deserving extinction is apparently that they have no interest in sex. If the Spears sisters can manage to reproduce, Cracked figures higher mammals should be able to do it on their own as well. As for the Ganges shark, I guess they didn't hear about the charming local habit of dumping partially cremated bodies into the Ganges river. Do sharks even like barbecue?

Posted by: Kris at March 26, 2008 2:32 AM

I do SO love the eyeliner inside the lids look...but had to quit because it hurts so bad. I am sure Jared likes the tears. It's so...intrinsic, you know?

Posted by: replica at March 26, 2008 4:32 AM

I would just like to take a moment to point out that Joss Whedon aided in the discovery of 2 out of the 20 women (ten percent!) featured in the Vanity Fair shoot.

Posted by: feramones at March 26, 2008 12:02 PM

Kris, much thanks for the info. Yeah, I'm cool with all the rest dying off - except pandas. They're freaking adorable. The Spears sisters are not. Just because they like sex and pandas don't is no reason pandas should be allowed to die off. I'd rather see the Spears family face extinction - like right this minute - than pandas.

Save the pandas, kill the Spears.

Posted by: jen310 at March 26, 2008 12:02 PM