Pajiba Love 02/25/09

Cera’s On Board! I Repeat, Cera Is On Board!

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | February 25, 2009 | Comments (35)

Oh, thank you Jeebus! It looks like the Arrested Development movie is finally a go. I wonder whose fun job it was to waterboard the shit out of that prick Cera? (EOnline)

There’s now a mouthguard product to use while you’re giving a beej, so that you don’t “nick the dick.” So if having a huge schlong in your mouth doesn’t already make you gag, hopefully a giant piece of plastic and strawberry lube should do the trick. Thanks, Amanda! (gizmodo)

Speaking of gaggging, Drew Barrymore and Ellen Page have supposedly joined forces to make the most nauseating BFF combo ever. (WIMB)

Seriously, I have been saying this for months now, and I don’t even smoke pot. Marijuana can single-handedly save our economy. What’s the fucking hold up, already? (QuizLaw)

And on that note: Mini-dirve! What’s the most clever thing you’ve ever made a bong out of? (cityrag)

Betty White is a coke whore? You heard it here first! (I’m so sorry Ms. White!) (Celebslam)

So, the trailer is out for the fifth and possibly final (*crosses fingers*) season of “The Hills” is online. I still refuse to watch this show, because I know the second I start I’m going to be addicted and it’ll kill my brain cells even faster than boxed wine. Thanks, Audrey! (videogum)

Sure, Megan Fox is a vapid, shitty actress and a poor man’s Angelina Jolie; but we all knew she was still out of David Silver’s league. (Popoholic)

Kanye West is so awesome he’s only dating lesbians now. Because he can. True story. (Celebitchy)

Holy crap, holy crap!! Snuggie pub crawl! We need to organize one of these for Philly, STAT. Jules and Nicole, get on it, K? Thanks, Stipe42! (SnuggiePubCrawl)

Demetri Martin talks to the A.V. Club about his new Comedy Central series aptly titled, “Important Things With Demetri Martin.” (AV Club)

OMG! Make your own Choco Taco! I am totally not motivated enough to do this, but I just like the idea that if I want to, I can. (Serious Eats)

Here’s a list of 23 Ways to Be Cool. It’s true, I was just hanging out in Williamsburg this weekend and ev-erybody is cool there. (HolyTaco)

Awesome! Sean Penn totally burned Madonna! I’d offer him a job on my gossip blog if, you know, he didn’t already have a job. (EvilBeet)

Finally, if you were wondering what’s gayer than “Star Trek,” the answer is “nothing”:

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.

Follow @pajiba

← Lily Allen Review | Blood and Monsters →

Comments

Wait! You missed the two scariest items of news today...

1.) Gore Verbinski is being asked to direct another "Clue" movie, and this time it's serious.

2.) Octomom was offered $1 million to become Vivid Video's new "contract girl".

P.S. Michael Cera was not "waterboarded", though under the terms of the extreme rendition agreement signed by Ron Howard and Imagine Entertainment, I cannot tell you that they got him to sign under impending threat of being teabagged by Jeffrey Tambor. Wait...shit, I can never keep secrets.

Posted by: Mike R. at February 25, 2009 1:05 PM

NOOOOOO!!!!!

I can't stand the idea of Arrested Development being ruined by a crappy movie. I was rooting for Cera to continue to hold out. He seemed to be the only one who understood that a movie was a bad idea.

Posted by: cmoody at February 25, 2009 1:07 PM

I'll volunteer to be in BAG's "league".

Posted by: Cindy at February 25, 2009 1:08 PM

OK, that Star Trek video made me way too happy.

Posted by: Cindy at February 25, 2009 1:17 PM

Waterboarding? Bah. Something tells me fucker got a bamboo-splinter manicure. That'll teach the little bitch to cock-block me an Arrested Development movie.

Also, I saw the Choco Taco thing this morning, and immediately ran out to get the ingredients. It will be the only kind of taco I will ever eat. *Wink wink nudge nudge*

And Mike R., please, for the love of Godtopus, do not let Octomom do porn. There is no way in hell I'm letting her be in the same line of work as half the people I know.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at February 25, 2009 1:27 PM

Kanye West is so awesome he's only dating lesbians now. Because he can. True story.

DAAAAAAAAMN!!!! THIS IS SOME CHASING AMY'S SHIT!

Posted by: branded at February 25, 2009 1:27 PM

Jesus, is Cera reverse aging? That's some Benjamin Buttons shit right there!

HEEEEYOOOOO!

Posted by: Skitz at February 25, 2009 1:28 PM

Seriously, I'm not even gonna' lie, Brian Austin Green got HOT. I don't fucking know how, but it happened and it's a fact. You can look it up. Megan might be ok to look at from a distance, but her dead, dead eyes make her too creepy for me.

I never made my own bong. Made a few pipes out of aluminum (aluminium for those of you across the pond) cans and once with an apple. I usually had a pipe and didn't need to improvise. Worst case scenario, I would borrow my dad's. 'Cause, you know, we're classy.

Posted by: Lainey at February 25, 2009 1:30 PM

Star Trek was the manliest man show to ever bang a green chick! How dare you insinuate that the ripply muscled, impeccably coiffed James Tiberius Kirk was ever, at any time, locked in a loving Vulcan death grip with Spock or jumping Bones' bones.

Bring your Snuggie Nosek, I'm going to bury you in it!

Posted by: admin at February 25, 2009 1:36 PM

Oh, C'mon Jeremy, think of the possibilities.:

Womb Raider: The Cradle of Strife - Mara Frost is the world's sexiest adventurer/treasure chunter. Her mission: to find the strongest, smartest, most powerful men in the world and have their children!

Mr. and Mrs. Filth - A married couple don't realize that they're each secretly porn stars...until they're assigned to shoot a movie together. One liners, clothes are thrown at will.

Coocherfield - A giant monster rampages through L.A. eating men on the streets at random. Ms. Suleman's hoo-hah can play the monster.

Spiderman'd 2 - She can star as "Doctor Octomom", who's powerful "baby cannon" will destroy all of society...unless Peter Pork'er can start getting it up again to bang her into submission.

He's Just Not That Into You(re large vag) - Various singles romp and frolic as they try to find true love, and ways to grab the media spotlight by reproducing.

Dr. Fill - Nadya, as herself, is going on TV for advice from America's leading faux psychologist/pervert Dr. Fill. Whatever shall happen next?

Posted by: Mike R. at February 25, 2009 1:36 PM

Well, I supose the good thing about that BJ mouthguard is that once it's finally in place, the Viagra will have kicked in.

As for "Betty White, coke whore"... come on it's right there in her name, for god's sake!

Posted by: Odnon at February 25, 2009 1:38 PM

Mike R - you forgot the obvious porn title for her: "Octopussy" Bondage - Jane Bondage....

Posted by: Odnon at February 25, 2009 1:45 PM

Okay, Philly Snuggie Pub Crawl:
Step 1. Get Snuggie.
Step 2. Make list of bars I've never been in before, never want to visit again, and will not have anyone I know in them.
Step 3. Contemplate suicide.

Am I the only Pajina who wants to have Demetri Martin's babies? I've had a thing for him for years. He is hi-larious.

Posted by: Nicole at February 25, 2009 1:46 PM

Star Trek...I don't care how fuckin silly it was...God I loved that show.And this is...
too.
perfect.
for.
words.

Posted by: Brite at February 25, 2009 1:52 PM

Mike R.: Hells to the no, bitch. I've got too many friends in there to have Octomom barge in with her cavernous, baby-spewing vajayjay. Although I think you may have forgotten Bumcock Millionaire, Eternal Cumshot of the Spotless Behind and Hairy and Cummer Go In White Asshole.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at February 25, 2009 1:58 PM

Goddamn, Star Trek is gay. At least Star Wars only had incest and mannequin sex.

Um, cmoody has a point, especially after all the Futurama movie hate that was recently spilled. Folks act like Cera didn't appreciate the show and all, but maybe he didn't want to ruin the warm fuzzies it had?

Explain to me again WHY a AD movie is a good idea? I mean, yeah we could end up with a Serenity, but we could easily end up with a Beast of a Billion Backs or worse, a Sex in the City. Just asking.

I still refuse to watch this show, because I know the second I start I'm going to be addicted and it'll kill my brain cells even faster than boxed wine.

I do believe any hope of survivng brain cells died a LOOOOOOOOOOONNNGGGGG time ago. About the same time you first started WIMB, I'd say. All that gossip can't be good for a person's development, is all I am saying.

So have a ball!

Posted by: Vermillion at February 25, 2009 1:59 PM

I was going to say that I have no problem with Octoporn; as long as either the type or volume of sex renders her incapable of reproducing in the future. But that may be a little much even for me. Hmmm, a conscience, who knew?

And the correct title is, Terminateher 4: Salivation

Posted by: admin at February 25, 2009 2:06 PM

All that gossip can't be good for a person's development, is all I am saying.

I doubt it's all that much worse than constant masturbating to erotic fanfic on the internet, really.

Posted by: Stacey at February 25, 2009 2:27 PM

No, seriously, Mike R. I'm really starting to believe you have a dissertation on a specific type of fetish porn. It really makes me wonder what kind of cross-section of readership Pajiba attracts.

So. I know I'm hijacking this thread, but I've seen a ton of the ads for that Chihuahua movie on dvd coming out and it's really breaking my brain. I feel like I need someone to talk me down from a ledge, because the more I see those weirdly CGI'ed animals and those awful pop music montages, the more I want to show my head into an alligator's mouth to relieve the suffering. Is that too much? Am I being unreasonable.

I had a bunch of friends in high school who used to have bong making contests. I think someone made one out of a pinecone or several pinecones or something... How in the hell have I stayed drug-free for so long? D.A.R.E. must of done some brain-melting shit on me or something. God bless that straight-edge lion.

Posted by: Kayanne at February 25, 2009 2:31 PM

"Don't nick his dick. Just savor the flavor, he'll return the favor."

Okay. First, that's bullshit. Dick nicking is apart of the experience. It's all about the learning, An aid in mature development. Exploring the body and its many wonders.

Example: Finding out that a penis bleeds profusely at certain states of arousal, is pertinent information that you can use to your benefit or his detriment later on.

Not to mention that dick nicking is evolutionarily relevant. It is the last line of reproductive defense when fucking idiots don't use protection. The "blowguard" will destroy everything that nature put into place to protect us.

Example: A chick has spiteful hate-sex with her ex after he comes over to get some crap out of her apartment. She wore a "blowguard". If she had nicked his gotdam dick when she was supposed to, it would have put a kink in that whole operation. She would have come to her senses and stopped what she was doing immediately. But noooo. Now she has to cry for three weeks because she thinks she's pregnant.

And this isn't just a female issue. Dick nicking is pertinent to male well-being also.

Example: A dude comes over to get some stuff out of his ex's apartment and manages to initiate spiteful-hate sex. He pulls out a "blowguard", thinking it'd be a good idea. It wasn't. Had his dick been nicked it would have brought him back to reality and made him realize he had to stop what he was doing immediately... and put on a condom. But nooooo. No dick nicking and now he has to receive 30 text messages an hour asking him "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS?!?!?"

The "blowguard" is bullshit. I am against it.

Besides, the economy is shit, planes are crashing, and I've been crying for three weeks thinking I'm pregnant. I have no time to worry about protecting a dick from a nick. Bullshit.

Posted by: J_Capri at February 25, 2009 2:34 PM

Octomom was offered $1 million to become Vivid Video's new "contract girl".

Hey, at least she won't require condoms.

Posted by: Sabrina at February 25, 2009 2:35 PM

You know I'm blaming the extra bold on an html error, but really I just wanted to see the words "fetish porn" in bold.

Posted by: Kayanne at February 25, 2009 2:35 PM

In Art School (where else?) we used:
the compressor for my airbrush,
my roommate's huge plastic barrel-shaped Utz pretzel container,
several lengths of plastic tubing,
duct tape
and my friends bowl to make
theMOTORIZED BONG HOOKAH.

To date, one of my proudest achievements. I mean, we were operating our bong/hookah with a foot pedal! there are no words for that kind of awesome. stoner engineering at its misguided finest.

On a similar note. I am only for legalization if we are allowed to grow our own cannabis. This tax thing is cool enough, though. and at least in Cali you'd be able to buy some without the chemically interference of Phillip Morris and R.J.Renolds.

but, yeah, something tells me they're not letting folks start up ganja farms inna dey backyard. bumbaclot.

Posted by: VinKong at February 25, 2009 3:08 PM

SOMEONE PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME. MY PARENTS DON'T LOVE ME AND I'M TIRED OF TOUCHING MYSELF INAPPROPRIATELY!!

Posted by: Bajingo Hound at February 25, 2009 3:11 PM

I LOVE FLUFFY KITTENS SO VERY, VERY MUCH!

Posted by: Bajingo Hound at February 25, 2009 3:11 PM

Hey Bajingo Hound,

MOST EPIC SINGLE POST FAIL EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Sophie at February 25, 2009 3:24 PM

Our best bong creation was made out of brewing equipment and included a 5 gallon glass carboy, a few feet of plastic tubing, and a bi-valve lid. After a long group effort of filling the thing with smoke it kept on giving for quite a while. But motorizing this device, like mentioned above, would have been a much more efficient way to do it.

Posted by: katy at February 25, 2009 3:37 PM

Bajingo Hound, just because you're pissed off at Hollywood for screwing up your beloved Mod Squad movie, doesn't mean you have to rain on us AD fans.

Besides, it's being set up at Fox Searchlight...they know how to play a film to a limited "quirky" audience.

Posted by: Mike R. at February 25, 2009 3:37 PM

I would like to nominate Bajingo Hounds post for EE, that shit was so unintentionally hilarious I:
1. ROFLOMGLOLMAO'ed
2. #15ed my drawers
3. And accidentally DORKOIDED MY DESK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVAR!

Posted by: admin at February 25, 2009 3:44 PM

Sorry I forgot to double post.

EVAR!

Posted by: admin at February 25, 2009 3:46 PM

"Hi Snuggie? It's LQ. Yeah, you're a backwards robe. Kthxbye." Fucking Snuggie, would you just go the way of so many of the useless As Seen on TV products that preceded you? Hair in a spray can anyone? Jeesh.

So... where was I? Oh yeah, the coolest bong. I was at a party at my slightly younger cousin's house in high school. He and his friends had made a bong out of a 12 inch talking Hulk Hogan doll. You would light the bowl, take a hit, and Hulk would say things like "Stay in school little Hulkamaniacs and take your vitamins." Needless to say, it was the best thing EVER.

Posted by: Lizardqueen at February 25, 2009 4:04 PM

Oh god. I think Bajingo Hound just stuck his head in the oven.

Posted by: Lizardqueen at February 25, 2009 4:08 PM

"Stay in school little Hulkamaniacs and take your vitamins."
No more callers, please. Lizardqueen is our winner.

Posted by: Jerce at February 25, 2009 4:19 PM

I just looked at this today! Damnit!

The best part of the BlowGuard website is the instructional video. With money shot. Fantastic! I just got like 3 minutes of free pron!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 26, 2009 6:25 PM

klassniy dizain

Posted by: drtgghyaa at February 26, 2009 9:55 PM

Pajiba

Pajiba: Reviews, Commentary, Angst

Comments