Did I link the picture of Octomom’s pregnancy belly yet? I link something about stupid Octomom every damn day, but I don’t think I linked this yet. Sort of off-topic, my sister just had a baby and last night we were talking about “vaginal tearing” and she said she heard about some girl who’s vagina ripped “like a peace sign.” Holy fucking shit I am never having children. (The Blemish)
And in other completely effed-up baby news, did you guys hear about the 13-year-old boy in Britain who is a new daddy? Jesus wept. (DListed)
Jessica Simpson told a live audience that sometimes her pants split onstage, and I don’t know if she’s brilliant or retarded for admitting that. (WIMB)
Ew, ew, ew, ew. I never got the whole sexual appeal of “twins” thing. It’s incest, and it’s disgusting. And if you didn’t think so before, you definitely will now. (QuizLaw)
OH EM GEE! Rudy from “The Cosby Show” is all growns up! And she’s a total knockout! Suck on that, annoying-ass Raven Symone. (Evil Beet)
I know some of you aren’t crazy about this site, but if Drunken Stepfather has even one redeeming quality, it would have to be hating PETA. And not just because their naked models are “fat.” Also? Quit yer bitching because there’s plenty of other links to click. Site NSFW! (DrunkenStepfather)
I’m no psychic, but I predict that Shenae(nae) Grimes is going to be my most hated celebritard of 2009. (Yeeeah!)
I’m not a big vodka drinker but I think I want to start so I can make these Skittle flavors. Best idea ever. (SeriousEats)
Here’s another fantasy football-sex advice mailbag. (KSK)
The Pyramid Collection looks like the most hilarious catalog ever. “For The Steampunk Renaissance Faerie Pirate Wench New Age Witch Harlot In You.” (Jezebel)
Hee! My favorite one is the “check yes or no” cookie cake. (CakeWrecks)
This video appears on the LOL cat site but where it should really appear is on fail blog for extreme CAT FAIL. (ICanHazCheezburger)
Billy Mays went on Adam Corolla’s radio show and discussed his feelings about the creator of Shamwow. Namely, he’ll cut a bitch:
Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.
They should take away that little welfare sucking machine from those two British idiots and then they should sterilize both of them...and put them to work for the state 'til the little shithead turns 18.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 13, 2009 1:13 PM
I, for one, cannot wait to see what film Ted pairs with skittles flavored vodka. The Care Bears movie?
Posted by: stipe42 at February 13, 2009 1:14 PM
"....the 13-year-old boy in Britain who is a new daddy..."
I read it. And wanted to punch the parents (of the parents) in the face(s) repeatedly. Isn't there some sort of law that prohibits minors, especially at that age, of keeping the baby? Pretty goddam wackadoo...
Posted by: Skitz at February 13, 2009 1:15 PM
My mom likes to tell the story about how she ripped open "from one hole to the other" when my brother was born. WHAT.
Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 1:15 PM
Stace, I think we've got some kind of psychic wavelength thing happening this week. I used the phrase "all growns up" in reference to Rudy in my Image Awards round-up on Yeeeah this morning, and yesterday we both referred to Mischa Barton as "unwell" even though we put up totally different links.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 13, 2009 1:20 PM
...are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Posted by: Sarina at February 13, 2009 1:18 PM
-------------------------------------------------
Oh I know what *I'm* pondering...
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 13, 2009 1:21 PM
Snath: Does your brother follow up your mom telling the story with: "and those were just my balls coming out"? Cause that would be sort of awesome.
Posted by: stipe42 at February 13, 2009 1:22 PM
Sadly, no, but she did get called to pick him up from church camp one time because he was caught teabagging one of his friends.
Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 1:26 PM
Wait. Jessica Simpson's "music" is popular enough for her to play Madison Square Garden? I'm going on line and ordering a bible because The Rapture cannot be far behind.
Posted by: PaddyDog at February 13, 2009 1:26 PM
If you're going to shatter someone's hopes and dreams, there's no better way than by using delicious baked goods.
Sarina: I think so, Brain, but how are we going to get Stephanie Meyers to stick her head in the guillotine? *Narf!*
Posted by: Jeremy Feist at February 13, 2009 1:27 PM
Did he paint his balls purple with permanent ink so that his friend's mouth was stained for months?
Posted by: stipe42 at February 13, 2009 1:29 PM
that 13 yr old kid is like a real life This is England, minus the racial hatred.
Posted by: Ted at February 13, 2009 1:34 PM
Thanks, but I'll take the beer with the candies floating in it instead -- skittlebrau.
Posted by: ellipsis at February 13, 2009 1:34 PM
No, but another friend took pictures, which is how they were discovered.
The "victim" thought it was hilarious, it was the counselors that had a problem with it. It was church camp, after all, not band camp.
Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 1:36 PM
Well, who did those campers think they were, orally imbibing pubescent testicles? Ordained priests?
Posted by: stipe42 at February 13, 2009 1:38 PM
Well, who did those campers think they were, orally imbibing pubescent testicles? Ordained priests?
They're training to become seminarians.
Posted by: branded at February 13, 2009 1:41 PM
Poor 13 year old bastard. Just another reason his life sucks.
Posted by: George at February 13, 2009 1:42 PM
No, they were studying for their NAMBLA exams.
Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 1:43 PM
National Association of Marlon Brando Look Alikes?
I don't remember his teabagging work. Was that a cut scene in the Godfather?
Posted by: stipe42 at February 13, 2009 1:45 PM
No, they were studying for their NAMBLA exams.
I'm confused. They probably don't look anything like Marlon Brando.
Posted by: branded at February 13, 2009 1:45 PM
...are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Damn, I knew you'd eventually figure out that I've been blatantly plagiarizing from you. PS: Lily Allen showed off her third nipple again! Woo!
Oh, and snath, your comment just made tea go in my lungs.
The common misconception is that he used cotton balls in his cheeks for the role of Vito Corleone.
WRONG! It was testicles.
Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 1:57 PM
I don't remember his teabagging work. Was that a cut scene in the Godfather?
Actually I think it was in Superman. It wasn't the earths sun that gave Supes his powers, it was the magical Brandosac.
Posted by: admin at February 13, 2009 1:58 PM
Whoa, Rudy got hot! Supermodel hot!
I'm totally making those vodkas, and I don't drink the stuff either. I hate it. But for that, I will. Oh, and also: I, for one, cannot wait to see what film Ted pairs with skittles flavored vodka. The Care Bears movie Posted by: stipe42 at February 13, 2009 1:14 PM
HA!
Shut up! Pyramid has pretty jewelry. I said shut up!
Oh, lord. Reasons # 487,922 and 487,983 not to have babies. Gag.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 13, 2009 2:01 PM
Do they not have coathangers in Britain?
Posted by: admin at February 13, 2009 2:03 PM
Posted by: stipe42 at February 13, 2009 1:45 PM
Stipe, our hive mind is freaking me out. I don't want to be assimilated! Is resistance really futile?
Posted by: branded at February 13, 2009 2:08 PM
Is resistance really futile?
Only for our enemies, my friend.
Posted by: stipe42 at February 13, 2009 2:13 PM
Only for our enemies, my friend.
"Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service us."
If we're going to be sharing thoughts, I'll try to lay off all the Beau Arthur fantasies.
Posted by: branded at February 13, 2009 2:19 PM
Really, branded? I thought those were mine.
Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 2:21 PM
I kind of love the Witchy Shoes.
Posted by: tamatha at February 13, 2009 2:23 PM
I wondered why I kept seeing visions of wrinkled sausage dipped in sour milk every time I closed my eyes.
Posted by: stipe42 at February 13, 2009 2:24 PM
Skittle infused vodka sounds like a mistake you know you're making ahead of time. It's one of those, "Let's be kitschy and buy some Strawberry Hill to reminisce about times past, BFF," moments that dissolves into you calling her a whore for snaking a guy right out from under your nose ten years ago. Then you black out and wake up with neon puke in your sink.
I would therefore recommend some kind of manufactured angst, teeny bopper brain candy. John Tucker Must Die just might fit the bill. Or maybe that new retarded cheerleader movie coming out with Drunkface Mcgee and the Demetri Martin lookalike.
Also, I need to scrub my eyes with Brillo pad after reading that skeeve worthy baby daddy story. *shudder*
Posted by: Leigh Hacksaw at February 13, 2009 2:42 PM
I think I *heart* Leigh Hacksaw.
No, I don't think.... I know. I *heart* you, Leigh Hacksaw.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 13, 2009 2:47 PM
Does anyone else feel terrible that poor kid may never discover the warm tender insides of a good looking woman?
Holy christ I'd rather fuck the crease between the couch cushions than sleep with Pasty McShrek here...
Posted by: Dan at February 13, 2009 2:51 PM
Man that is the tiniest 13 year-old I've ever seen. I'm not sure I can think of anything that has creeped me out this much in awhile.
Posted by: Alex at February 13, 2009 2:51 PM
Any particular reason why I can't see the comments on this article?
Posted by: Tarn at February 13, 2009 3:03 PM
Because you were killed on Kobol at the beginning of season two.
Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 3:08 PM
Man that is the tiniest 13 year-old I've ever seen.
Hey, Doog!
It's incest, and it's disgusting.
A Puritanical streak found in Pajiba? Good Heavens! Blowing out candles with your vagina n' shit is disgusting. Lesbian twin incest is just krazy perverse.
And I suppose I've gotta slap Dan with my glove for deriding pale complexions.
I have no truck with vodka. Not since some ugly, ugly episodes in 1993.
Never mind, comments appeared now, but only after I posted one...
The 'baby daddy - for REALS' creep-fest is exactly the kind of fuckery that makes me despair for the future of my country. Where exactly were the parents when these children had their 'night of unprotected sex'?
Christ. His dad - apparently a father of nine himself - is probably boasting about his son's fertility dahn the boozer right now....
Posted by: Tarn at February 13, 2009 3:20 PM
Now, see, because I clicked your Drunken Stepfather link, now I have to go and eat a cow.
*deep breath* Wish me luck, y'all.
Posted by: Jerce at February 13, 2009 3:24 PM
I got you beat by a few years there, Jay... my ugly vodka incidents were in 1990, the summer before I turned 21. Fun fact: those incidents led me to quit drinking *altogether* for 7 years.
(Of course, that's fairly logical in that I have you beat in birth by a few years too, don't I? Hmph.)
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 13, 2009 3:52 PM
Jesus Fuck, AvB, we are the same person! Vodka ruined all alcohol (except wine) for me for 7 years. And THEN? I drank a vodka gimlet and LOVED it and then I drank a lot of vodka and enjoyed many beverages that contained vodka and then I accidently quit drinking when I quit smoking two years ago.
And NOW I sound like a speed freak, which I'm totally not, I just really like run-on sentences, ALL CAPS and exclamation points!
The last time I drank vodka was summer of 2004. My best friend and I were sharing a bottle of green apple vodka (the thought of which now makes me want to hurl) as he was giving a girl "just a massage." I was then kicked out of the room, where I heard them going at it through the paper thin dorm walls. I proceeded to drink a bottle of tequila by myself in a fit of lonely jealousy and to block out the sound of their uglies getting bumped.
I woke up the next day at 7pm, having been in a coma the whole day. I did apparently throw up all over the floor, though, which was pretty rad. Good thing I had, and had been on my side. I could have died from the alcohol or chocked on my own vomit.
Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 3:59 PM
Yep, Valentine's Day 1993. I was 17, it was a Saturday. I was by that point mostly dry heaving into Brian's toilet, pausing to shout "HEEYAAAA!!!!" along with "Minimum Wage" which was playing in the next room. I'd been sobering up the previous night, to my foolish disappointment, when Paul had brought over a Subway "Thirst Terminator" cup full of vodka which we shot back and forth while I complained that his sister was giving me the runaround. I sure got re-drunk. Most of my family arrived to pick me up, as there were relatives visiting, and then we went grocery shopping, passing by McDonald's on the outer edge of the parking lot (which you can smell of course), and then I was looking at lunch meat and....well, I held it all in as best as I could and then disappeared in my room until about 6.
Of course they knew exactly what was going on, but they don't let on at the time and you think you've been discreet and a good actor (see also the Cisco's the previous Thanksgiving when we'd been visiting relatives in Florida. For a while I thought I was cursed. Grandma being around = utterly fux0red). Haw haw. Kids are stupid.
Man, if I were British, I'd be so pissed right now that my tax dollars were supporting a 7 year old, his baby, and his baby mama. They live in a council flat? Of course they do. And will until the day they die.
Substitute tequila for vodka and that about sums up my 21st b-day. Couldn't touch the stuff for 7 years... even now I vurp (that's vomit-burp, thanks Tim the Tool Man Taylor) at the very smell of it.
Posted by: Stella at February 13, 2009 5:39 PM
Ohhhh, tequila. The cause of, and solution to, so many of my problems.
Posted by: Jerce at February 13, 2009 5:47 PM
Yes, I can even swig it out of the bottle. Doesn't taste great, but I can do it and don't get poisoned. One time I'd had both a margarita and several shots and then Donna Summer's "MacArthur Park" came on, which I hadn't heard in over ten years, and I freaked OUT.
I, for one, cannot wait to see what film Ted pairs with skittles flavored vodka. The Care Bears movie?
May I suggest the 1985 classic Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer?
Posted by: Melissa at February 13, 2009 7:18 PM
Nicole, I agree I'd be ticked off if I was English. But closer to home if you're in the USA, how do you feel about your tax dollars supporting insane Octomom and her premmies? The hospital bill alone is going to come to a couple million. She does indeed receive Federal and State support.
Posted by: Sharopa at February 13, 2009 7:30 PM
I'm British, and while I'm not delighted that children are having children these days, I think it's good that the baby of these children will receive some financial assistance to grow up and get some education. In the meantime, a whole host of things to do with education, awareness, contraception and attitudes-changing must happen in Britain. This is frightening.
On a less balanced note: what sort of sex do two such children even get up to together? And why?
I've always enjoyed reading Pajiba, but I'm so offended by the inclusion of DrunkenStepfather's misogynistic garbage that I don't think I'm going to continue to keep up with Pajiba. That blog clearly HATES women.
Posted by: Zilla at February 13, 2009 9:42 PM
Drunken Stepfather is a god, and just as he's exercising his rights, so can you by NOT clicking on the motherfucking link.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 14, 2009 4:40 AM
I hate to see Drunken Stepfather get more traffic. I'll stick with Pajiba, but people aren't just bitching about not having other links to click.
Posted by: Erin MJ at February 14, 2009 7:24 PM
I've always enjoyed reading Pajiba, but I'm so offended by the inclusion of DrunkenStepfather's misogynistic garbage that I don't think I'm going to continue to keep up with Pajiba.
I agree with you Zilla. Since both Drunken Stepfather and Pajiba are on the internet, we shall hereafter boycott the webs. Never again shall we be exposed to the misogynistic leanings of people who don't share our views and offend our sensibilities.
As a matter of fact, we should avoid any and all contact with any media of any kind. You never know when they could reference another source whos type of entertainment we deem unsuitable.
Consider me appropriately outraged. I mean, could you imagine if they had that kind of crap on tv!? How would we ever avoid it? It's not like they have some magical device that can change the channel or block it out entirely.
Never mind that PETA somehow equates tits and ass with foie gras.
Posted by: admin at February 15, 2009 4:44 AM
Who cares if DrunkenStepfather is mysogynistic?
The problem is that he's not funny.
Dude tries too hard. It's sad.
Posted by: Nooooooo...! at February 15, 2009 8:39 AM
Preezactly. Trying to offend everyone in sight in the hopes that it will seem witty is just kinda pathetic.
They should take away that little welfare sucking machine from those two British idiots and then they should sterilize both of them...and put them to work for the state 'til the little shithead turns 18.