Pajiba Love 02/09/10

Social Interaction Is For Suckers

By Jeremy Feist | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (38)

Here are the four levels of social entrapment from Allie Brosh. For the record: In High School, there was this weird guy who followed me around everywhere and got off at the same bus stop as I did, so for an entire year, I used to pretend I lived in a house two blocks away just so he wouldn’t know where I lived. The occupants of that house were surprisingly cool about the whole thing. (Hyperbole and a Half)

How big of a nerd are you? Well, if you can get anything over a C on this Norse Mythology, you’re probably a colossal nerd. And now you know. (Litely Salted)

So the marketing team behind The Virginity Hit decided to market their shitty movie by running billboards for a virginity help line, and now people are up in arms over the “offensive” billboard rather than the incredibly shitty movie being forced on them. (Agent Bedhead)

In today’s “Good Guy, Bad Idea” story, Seth Green is working on a real-time reality show where viewers can and will decide every aspect of a guy’s life. Yeah, there’s no way the internet can’t totally fuck this up. (Screen Junkies)

Alright guys, quick question: Kellan Lutz. Would you hit it? Yeah, he had a bit part in Twilight and Nightmare on Elm Street, but he’s also very, very pretty and I’m pretty sure you can grate cheese on his abs, and I fucking love cheese. (popbytes)

And speaking of very pretty men who make terrible movies, here are five classic action hero fights that need to happen. The rest I can take or leave, but Dwayne Johnson oiled up and ready to fight… I’ll be in my bunk. (Unreality)

Alright, you guys remember the guy who reviewed the Star Wars movies, right? Well he’s back reviewing the Star Trek movie now, and it’s just as insane and hilarious. (Topless Robot)

Ha ha, Paris Hilton’s stupid wonk-eye is getting blacklisted from every club in Las Vegas for cocaine possession. Normally, I’d just write this off as blatant hypocrisy, but because it’s Paris Hilton, all I can say is AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! FACE! (Celebslam)

I know I’ve been pretty hard on Outsourced these past few days. Well, if these clips are any indication, I was entirely right about it too. Come for the “Haha, it’s funny because they’re different!” jokes, stay because you just can’t look away from the 30-something fat Indian guy singing the Pussycat Dolls song. (The Flickcast)

Remember kids: Never write a story about Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, or else they will threaten to sue you on Twitter. Seriously, you couldn’t just hire a PR guy or something? (Celebitchy)

Remember that video of the insane sociopathic chick who threw screaming puppies into a river? Well, Michael Bay isn’t too pleased about it and he’s now offering $50,000 for information leading to her arrest. Wait, when did Michael Bay become cool? (Cinematical)

Did you know there’s a cocktail out there called “The Jessica Rabbit” made of crystallized ginger, vodka and carrot juice? Well, there is. If there’s a drink called “The Betty Boop”, I would love to see a deathmatch between the two. (B-Side Blog)

Look! More drinking news! Absolut developed a new drink called Lemon Drop, and they even made a nifty little B-Movie for it starring Ali Larter. Sweeeeet. (Frothy Girlz)

Good news, everyone! Thanks to your tireless voting, eloquent Angry Black Lady won the Black Weblog Award for Blog to Watch! Let’s all give ourselves a pat on the back and a shot of tequila down the throat for this most epic of wins. VICTORY SCREECH! (AngryBlackLadyChronicles)

Good: Robyn performs an incredible cover of Bjork’s Hyperballad while Bjork sits in the front row. Better: Bjork looks like she’s about to jump out of her seat and strangle Robyn in cold blood. Best: Bjork is dressed up as a very angry pinata.

Jeremy Feist is a freelance writer, maker of lovin’, and an average-everyday-sane-psycho. You can check his NSFW blog here, or email him here.

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Comments

Absolut didn't invent Lemon Drops. That's not a new shot by any stretch of the imagination.

But damn if I'm not sick to tears of those stupid fake-retro ads.

Posted by: Wednesday at September 2, 2010 12:15 PM

Team Bjork.

Posted by: Ranylt at September 2, 2010 12:17 PM

Kellan Lutz. Would you hit it?

YES. Resoundingly yes.

Also, according to his necklace, he's a Cancer, and I get along SWIMMINGLY with Cancers. So, EVEN MORE YES.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at September 2, 2010 12:18 PM

The way to easily escape social entrapment is to not give a shit what other people think. You don't have to talk to people you don't want to talk to (in purely social situations, work is obviously different). Just quickly excuse yourself: "Oh, sorry, I've got somewhere I've gotta be/something I've gotta do/someone is expecting me elsewhere, see ya!" Then leave. It's just that simple.

You're a grownup (most of you). It's OK to not want to talk to every single person who wants to talk to you. There really is no reason to suffer through someone's impromptu lecture on ObamaCare or global warming just because you don't want to be "rude." Go ahead and take your leave. It's alright. It really is.

Posted by: Slash at September 2, 2010 12:25 PM

Also, I'm with Ranylt re: Bjork.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at September 2, 2010 12:29 PM

Hey von Beav,

I'm a raging Cancer.

'balls

Posted by: Kballs at September 2, 2010 12:38 PM

You're gonna need to use that as your signature all the time, 'balls. thanks

Posted by: Ian at September 2, 2010 12:43 PM

Kellen Lutz is hot but his face is so little by comparison with his huge body that he looks weirdly anime-like.

Also I remember when "they" first tried to foist Robyn on us back in '97 and I feel the same way now that I did then. She's talented and lovely and blah blah blaarghh. Definitely Team Bjork.

Posted by: king at September 2, 2010 12:48 PM

I made the same observations (sans pinata descriptors) when I saw the Robyn video yesterday. I couldn't tell if Bjork was trying not to roll or her eyes or trying not to roll Robyn off the stage. Did Robyn try to photograph her kid or something? Geez. Lighten up.

Aww...I'm sorry, Bjork. I can't stay mad at you. Not when you consistently bring the crazy on your albums. Your music has always brightened my days. How can I not love someone who gave me "Cvalda" and "Pagan Poetry?" It would be like hating Kate Bush for lip-syncing in a concert when she made "Hounds of Love"--irrational.

Posted by: Robert at September 2, 2010 12:51 PM

Those Outsourced clips were grade 8 drama class bad. Like just... look away bad. The only ounce of non-horror I got from them was looking at that really pretty quiet girl. Purrrrdy.

Posted by: Marcela at September 2, 2010 12:52 PM

Dear Ms. von Beav,

I am a pisces. We're a lot like cancers, but less emotionally needy and more artsy-dangerous. I suggest you give the fish a try.

Sincerely,

jimbob

Posted by: jimbob at September 2, 2010 12:53 PM

Yeah, I'm with you on that Slash. I LOVE Hyperbole and a Half, but I read this latest entry thinking she's a total wimp. What in the hell is wrong with just being direct with people? You don't have to be rude or an asshole, but damn, life's too short for all this pretending dancing around bullshit.

The grocery store thing? That's happened. I say hey, chat a bit when I first see them, then for the rest of the trip, I just go about my business. I'm there to buy groceries, not have 16 conversations with the same damn person and I'm sure they feel the same way.

Maybe it's from being an introvert, maybe it happened when I got older and stopped giving much of a shit what people thought, I don't know. But I couldn't relate to that at all.

But her illustrations are STILL hilarious as HELL.

Posted by: Snuggiepants at September 2, 2010 12:54 PM

I too am definitely team bjork.

--bjimbob

Posted by: jimbob at September 2, 2010 12:56 PM

MICHAEL BAY HAS ALWAYS BEEN COOL, GODDAMMIT!

MB: I will cut a bitch if she drown some pupSPLOSIONS!

Posted by: superasente at September 2, 2010 12:58 PM

Hey, wait, that video at the end? I have some questions and observations.

1. What show is this?
2. Who is Robyn?
3. I, too, enjoyed Bjork's face throughout. Hee.
4. Girlfriend didn't open her eyes until two minutes into the song.
5. You can see through the tops of her ears.

And you know, I bet I would look like that. But she might have been thinking "damn, my song is good" or "how can I steal that dress and put flashing lights on it?" or "I SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD THE CRISPITOS FOR LUNCH" or "this is so fecking boring" OR "I want to eat her with a side of mashed potatoes." Who knows? I did enjoy her little polite smile at the end, which seems to be support for the last thought I conjectured. Eating her. And not in the good way.

Posted by: Snuggiepants at September 2, 2010 1:02 PM

Never heard the original before seeing the cover; I went out and found it of course. Robyn's cover is pretty good, but it illustrates some of the weaknesses in stereotypical electronic club remixes, one of which is that the styling and instrumentation can be vaguely indistinct from one another. Bjork has a uniqueness that's all her own, but it wouldn't surprise me that it's Robyn who actually scores a popular hit. It's like Ani DeFranco's "32 Flavors" hitting with Alana Davis.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at September 2, 2010 1:08 PM

Hello Kellen Lutz... rawr.

Posted by: squeeziee at September 2, 2010 1:14 PM

RE Snuggiepants: But her illustrations are STILL hilarious as HELL.

Yes, yes, they are.

Posted by: Slash at September 2, 2010 1:27 PM

Team Bjork forever.

Yeah, I understand she's an acquired taste and you either can stand her voice or you can't. But she definitely has talent + vision + utter crazy.

Posted by: MM at September 2, 2010 2:10 PM

There are many inconveniences to having children, but there are also some genuine perks as well, one of them being an automatic escape in an awkward conversation or situation. I can't tell you how many times I've used this. Either to suddenly break the awkwardness by saying I have to dash over and fiddle with one of them, or to intently focus on them in the supermarket-like situation. Works wonders! I also get to use them for a no-questions-asked sick day whenever I want. Go parenthood!

Posted by: katy at September 2, 2010 2:24 PM

I should have scored better on the Norse mythology quiz, but getting a C 20+ years after reading the sagas (for a class, I swear) isn't too bad.

I probably am that person in the supermarket or cafe. A blanket apology to all non-extroverts out there. I promise I will never talk about soy or veganism, though. I'm fairly sure that falls under the category of "religion" and I find myself unable to become a believer.

Posted by: Reba at September 2, 2010 2:50 PM

katy But don't you have to use your sick days for when your kids really ARE sick? I know I never got to accumulate sick days when Little Snuggie was young, because it seemed like I always used them up on, well, her illnesses.

Nowadays, I have 78 sick days built up. I just say *I'M* sick!

Posted by: Snuggiepants at September 2, 2010 3:03 PM

My kids have mostly gotten over the hump of the constantly sick years, since they've been in a school/daycare situation from early on. But when they do still get sick, just the routine kind where it's not too bad but you still can't send them to school, their retired grandparents will take them for the day. If they're truly sick little sickies, I do keep them home and take a legit day off to spend with them.

I'm not saying I feel entirely good about my deceit, but this mother of three very small children sometimes needs an unscheduled and solitary mental health day here and there.

Posted by: katy at September 2, 2010 3:43 PM

I have been a victim and/or guilty of EVERY ONE of those Awkward Social situations. This week alone.

Also, not for nothin' but I am a Cancer too. Represent!

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at September 2, 2010 3:46 PM

MICHAEL BAY HAS ALWAYS BEEN COOL, GODDAMMIT!

MB: I will cut a bitch if she drown some pupSPLOSIONS!

Hilarious. I just got my ten-year-old to stop that. Now, I'm gonna 'hear' that "SPLOSIONS!" after every exclamatory sentence for the rest of the day. *psy*

Posted by: psy at September 2, 2010 4:01 PM

The Robyn vs. Bjork thing was at the Polar Prize Gala in Stockholm Monday evening, where Bjork was one of the laureates (with Ennio Morricone). Considering they just gave her a bunch of money for being crazy talented since the 80s, she's surprisingly grumpy about it.

Posted by: Soda at September 2, 2010 4:08 PM

Team Bjork. Team Feist (thanks for the shout out!). Team Cancer.

::raises roof::

::puts roof down because the fucker is heavy.::

Posted by: stopthemadness aka Angry Black Lady at September 2, 2010 4:58 PM

Michael Bay isn't cool. The video is from somewhere in the former Yugoslavia and if you watch the extras on Hostel 2 Jew Bear goes on and on about how they eat dogs and use their skin for fur. He gets into it almost as much as casting local porn stars as minor characters. Porn stars who are more charming and eloquent in what is probably their second or third language, English, than Eli Roth will ever be in his first, also English. They'd have about as much chance of prosecuting there as they would in Korea where they kill the puppy for you at the market while you wait to take it home for dinner with some kimchee.

Posted by: OscarTamerz at September 2, 2010 5:33 PM

I'm with Bjork. She's probably grim because she had to hear, and worse than that, watch this "adorable pixie" whisper-grimace her way through one of her songs.

Posted by: SaBrina at September 2, 2010 5:35 PM

Kellan Lutz. Would you hit it?

I had to look at that joker all month on the cover of Men's Health. Don't bring him back into my life!

Posted by: Jay at September 2, 2010 5:39 PM

Who is Robyn and why do we care? I don't get it.

Kellan Lutz - pretty, but a little too beefy for my taste. Growing up a swimmer has dictated my taste in men in a serious way. That's right, just TRY and live up to my standards!

Posted by: Vince Noir at September 2, 2010 7:07 PM

I love Robyn. And Bjork. Why must I choose?

Seriously though, that sounds like less a cover and more an outright imitation of Bjork. Stick to your own stuff, Robyn, m'dear. It's quite good.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 2, 2010 7:28 PM

Ya know... not that I'm a huge Bjork fan or anything, but I'm thinking that she looked more bored than anything because that cover was LAME. I only sorta, kinda even recognized the song until I wandered off to Youtube to load a live Bjork version of it...

Whoever Robyn is, she should stop making other people's music lame while they're sitting in the front row.

Just sayin'

Posted by: Jgirl at September 2, 2010 7:51 PM

Lutz: ugh, no.

Posted by: figgy at September 2, 2010 10:25 PM

I'm pretty good at Greek mythology so I thought I'd be alright on the Norse stuff. I was so, SO wrong. At least that means I'm not a nerd?

I work with a #3 on Alli's list. Girl does NOT understand social cues. Real situation: I am on an exercise machine, have on head phones, and am reading a book all at the same time and she will still attempt to strike up a conversation. When that inevitably fails, she then just stares at me. It's beyond awkward.

Posted by: Even Stevens at September 3, 2010 12:22 AM

Fucking shit.

That blonde bitch was straight murdering puppies?!? The ones that dogs make? I totes mah-goats missed that fucking part. I said I wanted to track her down and would pay enough to de-poor her, so I guess I just figured...

I mean, what the fuck guys. I didn't see anything about murdering innocent fur at all, just that there was blonde hair, tight jeans and a language barrier involved. Fuck it. I'll pay you to shut the fuck up about it when I put it in her butt.

Posted by: THE Michael Baynis at September 3, 2010 3:48 AM

Oh dear. I hope all you fine people on Pajiba realize that I am not responsible for the post above. After all, you know that I am a cultured and refined penis, and the very thought of calling myself "Baynis" leaves me and my hanging brethren devastated and shriveled. The expletives are also a bit harsh. Furthermore, I happen to know that Master absolutely loves dogs. Many are the times when I've heard him talk about the "fine bitch" he has seen or is planning to invite over. I will admit that he rarely speaks with such fondness about the male dogs, although he's sometims referred to Mr. LaBeouf as such. I'm sure there are many others.

Posted by: Michael Bay's penis at September 3, 2010 6:37 AM

I strongly recommend ______ Mixed friends -- C o m ______ to you where I just found my interracial boyfriend! You know it is a great place to meet black men and beautiful women. What's kind of relationship do you want?

Posted by: bruceedd at September 3, 2010 11:18 AM

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