Pajiba Love 02/06/09

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | February 6, 2009 | Comments (70)

If Ahnuld is the Governator, what are we going to call Val Kilmer? I know you guys can do better than Governor Batman. Thanks to Ranylt! (MSNBC)

Drew Barrymore can’t get a date, and she thinks it might have something to do with that retarded tongue ring she got from ten years ago. (WIMB)

Hey, y’all! Can we send some Pajiba Love (and some virtual hugs) to dammitjanet, whose newborn grandson needs some prayers to Godtopus. (LGWBA)

Guys do me a favor? Philadelphia is getting its own soccer team, and you can vote to pick out a team name. Problem is, all the names suck and a friend of mine is trying to get people to vote for “Philadelphia Atoms” as a write-in vote. C’mon… I don’t ask for much, and you guys were super cool about helping my sister’s dog get on that calendar that time. (Philly.com)

Some dude robbed a couple of 7-11’s with a sword. And not just any sword, but a sword forged by Kahless the Unforgettable. (QuizLaw)

Aw, man… I was totally just kidding when I said something about Michael Phelps getting his Wheaties box revoked! (Celebitchy)

If you fuck with Malkovich, you fuck with all of us. (AgentBedhead)

The excitement for Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s 500 Days of Summer has reached fever pitch levels! (FilmExperience)

Here’s a huge helping of Celine Dion’s underpants with a side of rampant misogyny, compliments of Drunken Stepfather! Site NSFW. (DrunkenStepfather)

This is the single worst form of animal abuse I’ve seen since the giant Croc® dog bed. Thanks to Lauren! (PinkCoyote)

Burger King has given birth to sextuplets. And no, it doesn’t have anything to do with that freaky wooden king and his super sperm. (TIB)

Oh Jesus. Supposedly, the reason Dakota Fanning is joining in on the Twilight franchise is because of that Robert Smith-wannabe motherfucker. (Celebslam)

Now you can play Boggle and the — wait for it — internet. And just like that, the comment threads evacuated. Thanks, Catag! (wordsplay)

And on a final note for this week, kimmie is sorry about spoilering “Lost.” OK? You got that? Now LEAVE KIMMIE ALONE!!!

Oh, and here is the ~~Christian Bale remix~~ Gay Alphabet. (I just realized Dustin posted the remix earlier this week. Oops!)

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.

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Comments

Oh my Godtopus! Stacey that is cruel! That poor, poor dog. Shouldn't the ASPCA have an intervention or something?

Posted by: tamatha at February 6, 2009 1:25 PM

Jesus, all you can come up with AC, SC or Union? The name is supposed to convey something about your town while leaving a hint of power and ability (Chicago Fire, New England Revolution)

Philadelphia Liberty
Philadelphia Mutiny
Philadelphia Phenoms
Philadelphia Pennmen
Philadelphia Independence

Need I go on?

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 6, 2009 1:34 PM

You know, I was saying that I'd be hesitant to kiss a tongue ring mouth just recently, so I guess I'm not the only one.

I already don't go to Krystal. There's no need to compete for my mini burger dollar.

Have some fucking respect for yourself, King! Your burgers are already better! Jesus!

Also, the "what don't you fucking understand" chorus has been playing in my head for a couple days. The guy's got talent with structure.

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 1:35 PM

"governor iceman."

obviously.

Posted by: matty blue at February 6, 2009 1:38 PM

That's how he governs. Ice cold. No mistakes.

Blindingly obvious. Thank you, matty.

Mr. Bale says he was just making a goofy face.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/eonline/20090206/en_movies_eo/98799

(no, not really)

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 1:41 PM

Gov Holiday?
Governor Forever?
Governorstone?

Posted by: Cindy at February 6, 2009 1:48 PM

He kills pretend lions and makes pretend rock music and was a pretend genius, with lasers and everything.

Of course he's qualified to be a governor.

Posted by: Smokin at February 6, 2009 1:52 PM

"I'm just looking for ways to be contributive,"???
Way to go Iceman. Or should I say, Madmartigan

DJ REVOLUCIAN!!!! That shit is actually really good.

Posted by: Handel at February 6, 2009 1:55 PM

Governor Huckleberry.

And Drew, darling... call me. The tongue ring isn't designed for kissing fun.

Posted by: antietam at February 6, 2009 1:55 PM

what are we going to call Val Kilmer

I'm holding out for the Govermardigan. That, or The Lizard Governor.

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at February 6, 2009 1:59 PM

Governor Morrison

"Teenage death girls want my dick not my words."

Posted by: branded at February 6, 2009 2:01 PM

...so I guess it's bad that I kind of liked the "Camel" and the "Ninja Turtle" looks, then? It is. I am horrible and evil, because that really is a horrifying thing to do to that poor dog, who has no choice in the matter. (But the camel is kind of cute... She really looks like a camel!)

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 6, 2009 2:05 PM

Bale was on Los Angeles raido station KROQ this morning (apparently he's a fan). He spent about 10 minutes talking about how terrible he felt for acitng like a "punk" whose actions were entirely "inexcusable". He also said he was not a prima donna and that he feels lucky every day to do what he does for a living.
It was a pretty heartfelt statement- I will love him no matter what but it was nice to hear he was so apologetic and mortified by the situation. He also told KROQ to continue to make fun of him since they do it so well.

Posted by: lux at February 6, 2009 2:05 PM

Governor HomosexualOvertones.

It's not because of the retarded tongue ring that Drew Barrymore cand get a date. It's because of the retarded Drew Barrymore.

Posted by: admin at February 6, 2009 2:06 PM

Governor Will Win This War For You.

Posted by: twig at February 6, 2009 2:08 PM

Philadelphia Zomies
Wrong thread?

Posted by: Odnon at February 6, 2009 2:09 PM

Following on Bale's family brouhaha from last year (which appeared to be the fault of his greedy mother), it's pretty clear he's got a temper on him, which doesn't by itself make him a bad guy. Noisily bitching out someone in front of a film crew, especially with the visibility and power disparity afforded a big star, is kind of bad, but I wouldn't mind having Christian Bale owe me a favor. He probably bought the guy a yacht the next day.

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at February 6, 2009 2:09 PM

Poor Christian Bale!
I blame the interwebs. Time was, an actor could throw his toys out of the pram and nobody heard a thing about it. Did Henry Irving's shit-flinging tantrums make the headlines? No, they did not! Did anybody report Sarah Bernhard's hotel-room trashings? Nope. See what I mean?

That remix is fucking high-larious.....

Posted by: Tarn at February 6, 2009 2:11 PM

Shit. The only thing worse than "trying to be funny" is trying to be funny without proofreading.

I meant Philadelphia Zombies.

I'll just go lick some electricity now.

Posted by: Odnon at February 6, 2009 2:12 PM

for reals you guys, im sorry!

please accept the apology of this lowly long-time lurker... my bad for the lost spoiler this week, but i was way too happy that **WILL NEVER EVER SPOIL AGAIN** happened!

no move tv twitters... ever. lesson LEARNED.

also --> cheers to the baddest bitch in the pajiba hood! thanks stacey!

Posted by: kungfookimmie at February 6, 2009 2:15 PM

The poodle grooming enthusiast appeared exactly how I pictured her in my mind. One part Crazy Cat Lady from the Simpsons, one part technicolor dreamwitch from Hansel and Gretel, dunked in zoophilic desperation and rolled in generic Renaissance Festival cast offs. Crazy crunchy with a soft center.

Posted by: Leigh Hacksaw at February 6, 2009 2:15 PM

Stace,

My high school's mascot was the Atoms. The Annandale Atoms.

There's really no cool way to cheer for The Atoms. The best we ever came up with was:

"A-T-O-M-S! Atoms! Atoms! Are The Best!
S-M-O-T-A! Smota! Smota! All The Way!"

And then the other team got to say stuff like "Let's Split the Atoms!"

If there is anything worse than four years of marching band, it's four years of marching in support of the world's dumbest mascot.

Posted by: Tammy at February 6, 2009 2:21 PM

Gover-neek Reevers

Posted by: Perl at February 6, 2009 2:23 PM

Perl, you have no idea how much I hope I'm not the only person who'll get that. But it's hope with a tinge of sadness, as it very well may be hope misplaced.

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 2:30 PM

People dissing names like "Philadelphia SC" miss the point; giving the team a generic, nonbrandish sort of name is the most democratic thing you can do, because it lets the fans nickname the team. Arsenal becomes the Gunners, Chelsea the Blues, Manchester United the Annoying Rich Bastards Who Buy Their Way To Championships, et cetera.

Of course, in the case of Philadelphia the locals might just call the team the Fuck Yous. I dunno how that would go over. Although presumably when New Jersey gets a club, they could nickname their team the No Fuck Yous.

Posted by: mightygodking at February 6, 2009 2:31 PM

Dammit, antietam beat me to "Governor Huckleberry!"

Howzabout the Philadelphia Boos? Since that's all sports fans in Philly ever do, win or lose. Hell, I'll bet they boo their own kids. They probably boo each other during sex.

Posted by: David at February 6, 2009 2:32 PM

You know, BK did those mini-burgers about 20 years ago. It was one of those limited-time dealios. Perhaps some of the elder Pajibans also remember this?

Posted by: tamatha at February 6, 2009 2:39 PM

Nice try Mightygodking, but check your history first. Arsenal are called the Gunners because they were founded by workers at the Royal Aresenal (you know, the guys who make guns). The men who worked there had always been referred to as Gunners. Teams have always selected names that reflect their origins. I'll agree with you on Man Utd. though.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 6, 2009 2:44 PM

It's almost certainly going to be "Governor Iceman," although my vote goes to "Gov. Huckleberry," because that is my favoritest Kilmer performance of all time.

Somebody needs to rescue that poor dog from that crazy-ass woman.

Posted by: Jerce at February 6, 2009 2:50 PM

Howzabout the Philadelphia Boos? Since that's all sports fans in Philly ever do, win or lose. Hell, I'll bet they boo their own kids. They probably boo each other during sex.

Tsk tsk David. Philadelphians would NEVER boo sex. We boo the elderly, the way the sunshine makes the dew on newly blossomed tulips sparkle, tourists who block the sidewalk, the parking authority, too syrupy fountain sodas, the cute baby in that adorable hat, no not that one THAT one, cheese, the It's Always Sunny cast, and the Easter Bunny.

Posted by: Julie at February 6, 2009 2:50 PM

It's because of the retarded Drew Barrymore.
Posted by: admin at February 6, 2009 2:06 PM

I'm sorry, admin, but we're totally breaking up. I know you probably didn't even know we were an item, but I ASSURE you, we were. AND? It was the best fake internet relationship of your life. I'm sorry it had to end this way.

Drew is not retarded. She is awesome and sparkly and full of kittens and light and cotton candy. She was motherfucking Gertie, OK?

And she has nice cans.

Posted by: Lainey at February 6, 2009 2:55 PM

Why the hate on tongue rings and the bearers of them? I like tongur rings. Drew Barrymore, meh, but not because of a tongue stud, more her lack of acting ability.

Posted by: osmate77 at February 6, 2009 3:05 PM

And she has nice cans.

So does the homeless guy at my office who picks through the garbage for aluminium to recycle. And he can't act for crap either.

Posted by: stipe42 at February 6, 2009 3:08 PM

Lainey, I am sorry that I hurt you, that was never my intent. You're right, it was the best fake internet relationship I unknowingly ever had and the imaginary lack of any intimacy will haunt my dreams forever. I can only imagine what could have been.

I understand that Drew is awesome, sparkly, full of kittens, light and cotton candy; so is the garbage can where I deposit my old stuffed animals, half eaten cotton candy, a flashlight and painted with glitter-paint flames.
The difference is that the garbage can is smarter.

As much as it pains me to say this, a man cannot live on cans alone.

Adieu, Mon Cheri

Admin

Posted by: admin at February 6, 2009 3:18 PM

Admin: You whore! You came on really strong to me and now I find you were sneaking around behind Lainey's back.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 6, 2009 3:22 PM

Shit.

Posted by: admin at February 6, 2009 3:25 PM

Um... yeah. I've had it with the links to the misogynists. Drunken Stepfather and IDontLikeYouInThatWay are actually just offensive tools. And yeah, I don't mean the kind you fix stuff with.

Stacey: I know you can find better celebrity gossip sites. Do us all a favor.

Posted by: Ever at February 6, 2009 3:27 PM

Where's Joey Greco and his camera crew when you need them?

Posted by: branded at February 6, 2009 3:27 PM

Must we all liaise all bawdy-like? I'm starting an abstinence only program for Pajibans.

Posted by: Julie at February 6, 2009 3:28 PM

I'm starting an abstinence only program for Pajibans.

Posted by: Julie

Satan just saw his first snowflake!

Posted by: feramones at February 6, 2009 3:30 PM

Uh oh, someone used the M-Word...

Posted by: Smokin at February 6, 2009 3:41 PM

I was so obsessed with Val Kilmer that I watched that piece of crap Batman Forever like a hundred times despite the fact that it royally sucked. What has happened to his looks over the past decade is fucking depressing. STOP EATING, VAL.

Anyhoodle, I think it's telling that celebrities with stalled careers will often turn to politics. Something else to stroke the ego and allow remain in the spotlight.

Posted by: tt_marie at February 6, 2009 3:41 PM

I voted for the Philly Hoagies, just to be difficult.

Posted by: Sabrina at February 6, 2009 3:43 PM

"I'm your Huckleberry"

No need for any other campaign slogan.

Different pokes for different folks. I find Ms. Barrymore to be quite delectable. Splitting the Atom indeed!!

Posted by: antietam at February 6, 2009 3:46 PM

Ever - I know Drunken Stepfather is totally demeaning in its treatment of women and should probably never be allowed to see the light of day, but damn it if I don't laugh EVERY time I read it.

Maybe that says something's not right in my head....yeah, probably.

Posted by: tt_marie at February 6, 2009 3:47 PM

Ever, if you don't like it, don't click.

Posted by: admin at February 6, 2009 3:51 PM

"Uh oh, someone used the M-Word..."

WHAT?! WHERE?! Someone's gonna get cut...

Posted by: TK at February 6, 2009 4:01 PM

I thought the "M" word was "moist".

*horses whinny*

Sorry.

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 4:10 PM

I thought Celine and creepy Renee didn't even kiss until Celine was 19 - was that just the Behind the Music version of the story?

Posted by: samantha t at February 6, 2009 4:11 PM

Ever, if you don't like misogyny, why do you read Pajiba?

Posted by: Sabrina at February 6, 2009 4:17 PM

Oh, that one.

I see what you did there, Sabrina.

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 4:36 PM

So I once read this statistic that per breed, poodles inflict the most bites on humans each year.

Now I understand why.

They are driven to it by weirdos wielding clippers and and airbrush machine.

Posted by: Alabamapink at February 6, 2009 4:48 PM

I was hoping it was "muffins."

I really love muffins.

Posted by: Snath at February 6, 2009 4:48 PM

Just doing my part as Official Feminist Vigilante, Jay. Now go make me a sammich.

Posted by: Sabrina at February 6, 2009 4:51 PM

Julie, consider me duly educated on the booing habits of the native Philadelphian. And properly boo'd for my ignorance.

Posted by: David at February 6, 2009 5:59 PM

Actually I'm broiling marinated butterfly pork chops tonight.

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 6:35 PM

Top Gov?

Posted by: michelle at February 6, 2009 7:25 PM

So they focus in on his portrayal of Batman (which I'm pretty sure most people have forgotten or at least wish they'd forgotten) and say nothing about Madmartigan, Doc Holliday, or Gay Perry. That's just sad.

And could we please have a follow up when they catch the guy that held up the 7-11s? I'm a little worried it might be one of my relatives.

Posted by: the other kafka at February 6, 2009 7:51 PM

I knew that it was misogyny but am still pretending in my mind that the M-word was Mulva.

Posted by: branded at February 6, 2009 9:35 PM

Don't really know where to sign this, but warmest of regards to dammitjannet, daughter and the new baby.

Keeping you mind and prayers,
-M.M.M.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at February 6, 2009 9:48 PM

I started reading Pajiba lo these three years ago and I never comment. I continued reading it after my first foray because dammit if I didn't agree with ABSOLUTELY EVERY fucking movie review that was on here. I mean, like, 100% of the time. It was weird. The site has changed over time and added all these new-fangled features which has led, in part, to this sense of ownership that all you regular comment-leavers have over it.

I'm just saying that I like having a site that I consider smart, funny, and insightful talk about this here pop culture and movies. I especially like it when the reviewers recognize some sort of bullshit based on racism/sexism/what have yous and address that. So, yeah, I don't have to click on stuff I don't want to read, it's a free country. I'm just saying I think this site is cooler and more interesting the less asshole-ish the source material.

And for the record: the m-word was first used in the column. Down with moist misogyny!

Posted by: Ever at February 6, 2009 10:02 PM

My favorite would have to be Governor Gay Perry, because it makes me giggle to think of reporters addressing him that way at press conferences...

And because Governor-Smartass-Kid-from-Real-Genius" is a bit wordy.

Posted by: timophone at February 6, 2009 11:38 PM

Jeebus Christmas, I gotta either DOUBLE my prayers for Pink and Dammit or split 'em 50-50? OK, you do what you gotta do ...

Also: Philadelphia Faggots.

(Sorry, but I've hated Philly since the days of Greg Luzinski.)

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 1:27 AM

Posted by: Ever at February 6, 2009 10:02 PM
-------------------------------------

So......would you like me to get off your lawn?

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 4:19 AM

Tammy -

You went to Annandale? Haha, I would have gone to Annandale but we moved to another county instead when I was in 8th grade. You guys had a pretty decent marching band - at least in the 2002 - 2006 era.

Posted by: kayla at February 7, 2009 1:32 PM

Admin: yeah, I want you to get off my lawn and get yourself a job, a haircut, and a damn flag. (Isn't that what the curmudgeon is supposed to say?)

Posted by: Ever at February 7, 2009 4:45 PM

Your right but you forgot the cane waving.

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 10:52 PM

Yeahbut, when you split atoms, they kinda get all destructy on your ass, so I would see that as a positive for the Atoms team. And I would consider any opposing team who touted "We gonna split some atoms!" as a slogan to be at least several kinds of fuckin' retarded.

Posted by: Rykker at February 8, 2009 3:21 AM

Small update on baby dammit.....he is in Riley Hospital for Children, 7 weeks early, with Hyland's membrane disease (sp?) Being treated, and remaining stable, but he is very small and will require a lot of time and care. My daughter actually named him....well, after a comic book movie character. Anywho, thanks to everyone for kind thoughts and such. We appreciate it. Pajibans ROCK! Love you all,
dammitjanet

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 8, 2009 8:29 PM

Good day! You can join "Sugarbaby" freely now! *** SUGARBABYDATE. C OM *** There are Over millions of profiles from all over the world! No matter where you are or what you are, you can find someone just around your neighborhood. You can get their pictures, phone numbers, locations, and almost any information.

Posted by: kelly at February 8, 2009 9:02 PM

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